Name changed as this could be quite identifying... Would appreciate thoughts on WIBU, and if it's me, please help me see some reason/ perspective... This could be long!
Background: I have 2 DDs (3,8) and DP has 1 DS (8). We've been together since my second DD was very little (5m). Kids get on well for the most part, bar some minor issues/ differences with the eldest two, but nothing out of the ordinary. I own a two bed house and he owns a one bed flat.
We are now at the stage where we are starting to think about buying somewhere together. I have some equity in the house and am in a position to save around £1k a month towards a deposit. DP does have money in flat, but I reckon it will struggle to sell, so renting it out may be an option. He saves around £200pm but this covers birthdays, xmas, holidays, emergencies etc.
And so here is the dilemma, 3 bedroom or 4 bedroom?
And here is my AIBU: I think it is perfectly practical and sensible to not overstretch ourselves, and buy a nice 3 bedroomed house in a reasonable area with affordable payments and enough of a buffer to still be able to save money each month. 90% of the 4 bedrooms close enough to be near my family wraparound childcare (out of house for 12hrs a day, nursery only 10hrs) would be top end of budget, new-builds with small rooms. DP is absolutely adamant that DS needs his own bedroom.
Fine, I say. We'll look at older larger 3 beds and the girls can continue sharing for the medium term. Because of the 5 year age gap, I don't think it's really fair to make a 14yo share with a 9yo sibling when there is a bedroom sitting empty for 6 nights of the week? He says he will not have his son feeling pushed out of his own home.
I understand where he is coming from, I do. Hence why I would have DDs share so he has his own space while they are all still young. But from my point of view, DS already has a main home with his DM, who is still in the marital home (big 4 bed, lovely area). I am responsible for providing the main home for the girls. DDs dad lives with his mother so they have their dads room when they stay once a week and he sleeps on the sofa. I also feel like reminding him that while our finances are still separate, he is contributing to £200 pm DS's main home, while the girls father is contributing £400pm to their main home- although I accept maybe IABU with that point.
So DP wants DS to have own room and playroom at his mums, and own room at ours.. While DDs share room at ours, and don't have a room at their dads.
I just don't think it sounds fair at all and I'm starting to doubt the whole thing and wether or not this will even work.. It goes without saying I love DP, and care about DS but this just feels like the tip of the special snowflake iceberg. I always feel like there are too many times we are all tiptoeing around DS because he doesn't get to spend as much time with his dad as the girls do. If he's here at the weekend it goes without saying we go where he wants to go, if he doesn't want to watch a film we don't watch it. We went on holiday, DS only likes 3 different foods (I'm not kidding) so all of us could only ever go to places that definitely did those foods. He won't eat ice cream so had to say no when DD asked to go to ice cream place. If it was my kids I'd be saying well DD, we're having X and I'd like it if you tried some. If you don't want X thats fine, we'll get you something before/ after but everyone else likes X so that's what we're having. I've since found out its a lot of rubbish and DS will eat most foods, he just prefers for example McDonalds chicken nuggets than having say a normal restaurant kids meal. But I don't blame the wee sod when his dad is putting up with it, and fighting his corner in front of him if I dare to ever question it.
As I said, we all get on really well for the most part but I can't help feeling a bit resentful that while DP is trying to make sure his son isn't getting a raw deal, its going to end up that the girls are. My thoughts are they can share until oldest hits teens and they stop having toys littering the room.. Then girls get their own rooms and for the 1 night DS is here (when he is a teenager, will he even want to come?!!) DDs bunk in with each other and DS sleeps in DDs room. We have really neutral decor anyway, their room is white just now with teal bedding and its the way we all like it. The DDs will be fully aware that its DS home at the weekend too and he gets his own space when he's here.
The only other option is a 4 bed, which I'm really not keen on and will take at least another year of saving :-( as well as much tigher budget, more to clean (we both work long hours full time as it is and I frequently bring work home!) please tell me if IABU??