Bedroom Situation- Help me!

[NameChangeyy]

Name changed as this could be quite identifying... Would appreciate thoughts on WIBU, and if it's me, please help me see some reason/ perspective... This could be long!

Background: I have 2 DDs (3,8) and DP has 1 DS (8). We've been together since my second DD was very little (5m). Kids get on well for the most part, bar some minor issues/ differences with the eldest two, but nothing out of the ordinary. I own a two bed house and he owns a one bed flat.

We are now at the stage where we are starting to think about buying somewhere together. I have some equity in the house and am in a position to save around £1k a month towards a deposit. DP does have money in flat, but I reckon it will struggle to sell, so renting it out may be an option. He saves around £200pm but this covers birthdays, xmas, holidays, emergencies etc.

And so here is the dilemma, 3 bedroom or 4 bedroom?

And here is my AIBU: I think it is perfectly practical and sensible to not overstretch ourselves, and buy a nice 3 bedroomed house in a reasonable area with affordable payments and enough of a buffer to still be able to save money each month. 90% of the 4 bedrooms close enough to be near my family wraparound childcare (out of house for 12hrs a day, nursery only 10hrs) would be top end of budget, new-builds with small rooms. DP is absolutely adamant that DS needs his own bedroom.

Fine, I say. We'll look at older larger 3 beds and the girls can continue sharing for the medium term. Because of the 5 year age gap, I don't think it's really fair to make a 14yo share with a 9yo sibling when there is a bedroom sitting empty for 6 nights of the week? He says he will not have his son feeling pushed out of his own home.

I understand where he is coming from, I do. Hence why I would have DDs share so he has his own space while they are all still young. But from my point of view, DS already has a main home with his DM, who is still in the marital home (big 4 bed, lovely area). I am responsible for providing the main home for the girls. DDs dad lives with his mother so they have their dads room when they stay once a week and he sleeps on the sofa. I also feel like reminding him that while our finances are still separate, he is contributing to £200 pm DS's main home, while the girls father is contributing £400pm to their main home- although I accept maybe IABU with that point.

So DP wants DS to have own room and playroom at his mums, and own room at ours.. While DDs share room at ours, and don't have a room at their dads.

I just don't think it sounds fair at all and I'm starting to doubt the whole thing and wether or not this will even work.. It goes without saying I love DP, and care about DS but this just feels like the tip of the special snowflake iceberg. I always feel like there are too many times we are all tiptoeing around DS because he doesn't get to spend as much time with his dad as the girls do. If he's here at the weekend it goes without saying we go where he wants to go, if he doesn't want to watch a film we don't watch it. We went on holiday, DS only likes 3 different foods (I'm not kidding) so all of us could only ever go to places that definitely did those foods. He won't eat ice cream so had to say no when DD asked to go to ice cream place. If it was my kids I'd be saying well DD, we're having X and I'd like it if you tried some. If you don't want X thats fine, we'll get you something before/ after but everyone else likes X so that's what we're having. I've since found out its a lot of rubbish and DS will eat most foods, he just prefers for example McDonalds chicken nuggets than having say a normal restaurant kids meal. But I don't blame the wee sod when his dad is putting up with it, and fighting his corner in front of him if I dare to ever question it.

As I said, we all get on really well for the most part but I can't help feeling a bit resentful that while DP is trying to make sure his son isn't getting a raw deal, its going to end up that the girls are. My thoughts are they can share until oldest hits teens and they stop having toys littering the room.. Then girls get their own rooms and for the 1 night DS is here (when he is a teenager, will he even want to come?!!) DDs bunk in with each other and DS sleeps in DDs room. We have really neutral decor anyway, their room is white just now with teal bedding and its the way we all like it. The DDs will be fully aware that its DS home at the weekend too and he gets his own space when he's here.

The only other option is a 4 bed, which I'm really not keen on and will take at least another year of saving :-( as well as much tigher budget, more to clean (we both work long hours full time as it is and I frequently bring work home!) please tell me if IABU??

Could you look for a 3 bed that has the potential for an attic conversion further down the line?

Just a quick thought on eating at McDonalds - it may not be the food! If he's still having 'happy meals' the toy thing can be a big attraction - maybe he's old enough now to only have a 'proper' meal there and see if that still interests him...

I understand that you do not 'get it'. You sound like a kind, reasonable person who is trying to do your best in a difficult situation. He sounds as if 'making a fuss' has worked well for him, to secure a standard of living higher than he would reasonably expect, given his earning power. He is very good at 'standing up for' his child, less so about earning sufficient to afford it. Hope you don't ....

Soooo he's now admitted he's making up his ds's demands to get what he wants for himself.

He's not only treating your girls like second class citizens he's treating you like one too in your own home whilst letting you pay for everything.

OP start putting yourself and your DD's first. This man is only out for himself.

I don't see this relationship ending happily for you and your DC. I can see totoally what your bf gets out of it, what do you and your girls get out of this relationship?

I bet you also pay way more for everything including holidays etc and spend all your time letting this man dictate what you all do.

Why do a lot of women allow for this in relationships do you not feel you deserve so much more? Don't you feel your DD's do?

Whatever you do op (and I think you would be mad to go ahead and buy a house with this man) for the love of God get a solicitor to secure your money properly.

Everyone else has covered it here but I will say the 15k extension when he is saving £40 a week for something that is only a priority when someone else is paying for it is very telling.

You my dear and about to buy a house with a sponging cocklodger who treats you and your daughters like second class citizens, he may be a "nice guy" but his niceness only runs so deep

You are sleepwalking into throwing away everything you've saved and worked for, under some misguided notion that it's a bad thing to upset the men.

He's openly telling you that he lies to you to convince you to spend your money on more luxurious accommodation for him. Now that his father-in-law won't pay to house him in the style he's accustomed to , you now have to take his ex-FIL's role.

Please don't buy a house with this man, please don't give him any rights to what is yours and your DDs.

I still don't fully get the ice cream thing. So you all politely waited for dos. His dad basically told him to tuck in, which he did, then he got bored waiting for your dos to have/finish their ice creams. I guess it was polite to wait. I don't get why you didn't just tell the ds also to wait - "we've waited for you, now you can wait for us" also politely, doesn't have to be confrontational. Sounds like the dad and boy are thoughtless or inconsiderate, and a bit of training would hurt. I mean, If you're going to be living together (big if maybe) you'll all need to learn a bit of give and take.

But at the end of your recount, you said he was bored and then "It was just a bit meh so we didn't from then on."

So who decided you didn't from then on? Sounds like to keep the peace or avoid any aggravation, you are deciding not to have the ice cream, treats etc. Sorry if I have understood that incorrectly. Your dos don't NEED ice creams, or treat or their own bedroom per se, but if they don't get these things purely because of you wanting to avoid hassle, or giving in to the menfolk, then that's totally unfair, and they'll eventually put 2 and 2 together and resent you for not sticking up for them.

Really sorry if I have misunderstood. I know it's really difficult finding the right balance, and if you are a natural peace keeper, you might not even realise you're doing it half the time.

I think maybe you should postpone any move until these niggles are worked out and the whole relationships are more under control.

I also cannot understand the pickiness thing. I couldn't put up with that. Unless he has genuine medical reasons for it? I get maybe a kid doesn't like xy or z but if that's whats on offer, especially if it's a treat situation, and he doesn't want it, that's his choice, but no way could I put up with the running about to find an alternative. I couldn't put up with it in my dp either. I am patient about lots of things. But that's definitely not 1 of them.

Aye, he has got the whole family running rings around him dictating where they can and cannot eat.

Surely, you pick somewhere that suits families, walk in and take the best of what is there? You don't just pander to one person.

I don't feel I can add any more to the great advice and points for thought that have been covered already.

Perhaps, OP this indicates that a bit more time and conservation is needed before any final decisions are made.

Blended families are tricky and step-parenting isn't always easy either. Hopefully, it all comes together for you.

*consideration

Well, this thread has indeed moved on from last night! You've been given very good advice. MN wisdom at it's very best. I think you're seeing a bigger picture this morning (or afternoon where you are!). I don't think you have to kick this man to the kerb, just that what you are thinking of as a 'natural progression' isn't necessarily 'natural' at all. There's nothing wrong with keeping the relationship 'status quo' as long as he's willing to understand that going forward you will no longer be prioritizing his DS over your DDs during shared time. You have so much to lose and, really, not much to gain other than more housework, added expenses, and less extra money to put in savings every month. I don't think it's worth that just to be able to say you are living together.

My thought when he used the argument that his father and mother have maintained a 3 bed residence so one for each child was: if it's so important to dp to for his ds to have his own room, why doesn't he move in with them?

The only answer I can give is that getting a room for his ds isn't actually that important. I can only conclude that dp wants to make sure your dds don't get anything his ds doesn't get even when his ds gets things you're dds don't get. And he's justifying this as fairness. This is what the ice cream incident was all about. It no longer becomes about balance and fairness but about putting his ds in the no1 spot. And you're enabling his bad behaviour.

Please DONT buy a place with this man. He will make your life hell.

Get the 4 bed house

Don't move in with him until the kids have left home... if at all.

artiface according to OP it is not just McDonalds where the son likes to eat, it's also at/from Dominos and not in pub type places like Harvester.

Maybe he doesn't like the "happy families" concept of Harvester etc... But it's certainly just not down to not getting a toy at McDonalds in a Happy Meal! I'd hazard a guess that this is very much a form of control by this little boy so his needs are met, and probably with OPs DDs prioritising himself above them.

Ernest what medical reasons does this child have?! None unless a massive drip feed, he doesn't seem to be SN etc. even if he was amazingly fussy there could be a compromise. He's probably been allowed to get his own way with what he eats at home and when out and as an only child gets away with dictating the pace/place. Dad or mum goes along to keep the peace, dad playing Disney Dad so even more "keeping the peace".

'Mummyoflittledragon OP Says here too that her DP has his DS to stay in a 1 bedroom flat and shares the bed with him and to be honest I don't see anything wrong with him having a bedroom at all at his dad's new house. I would ask him or suggest it could be used as a spare room or study when he's not then on the proviso that his things aren't messed with etc. he's got to have some sense of security in that and the room being his to some degree. So at his permanent home with his mum there are 3 bedrooms but not with his dad right now. I do however think that yes, the dad does think it's important going forward for his son to get his own room and I agree. However as he doesn't live there permanently it should be the smallest room.

Its very awkward when one person out earns the other. Perhaps he cannot afford to "pay his share". It may mean that your standard of living goes down - is that a price worth paying?

If we shared out our house according to earning, I think I would only be able to afford our utility room!

Think about food, if you put in unequal amounts, do you and your children get to eat salmon, whilst he and his eats fish fingers?

Sometimes it brings the inequality into sharp focus when you are sharing the same house, and table.

Do you all share the same standard of living, or does one have to be worse off?

Haven't read the whole thread but unless you and dp are contemplating having a child between you then I would definitely go for the three bed.
It just ridiculous having an empty room 6 nights a week . He has a bedroom with his mother in a nice roomy house by the sounds of it. Why should your daughters not have a room each in their own mothers house.
If dss was with you all the time then yes the boy needs his own room but the way things stand he gets a put you up or he gets one of your dd's bedrooms when he visits

As for standard of living, I'd say OP's DDs are having their standard of living significantly reduced, given all the pandering to the partner's son. Family life is always about compromises, but it needs to be seen to be fair, evening out over the medium term. Not one part time visitor always being pandered to.

It's very difficult to feel "the part time visitor" in your fathers house.

There's a lot of flags of doom waving. I think you'd be mad to join finances. Barking.

I realise most of this is just anxiety on his part about his son being pushed out of his life, but I find it hard to understand his point of view. Have you mentioned the mathematical unfairness of it all? Over two houses between the children, your DDs get 1/2 a room each under his proposal, while his DS would get 2. Surely he can see that that isn't fair?

You're having the piss well and truly taken out of you here.

He wants his ds to have his own room, but you'll be paying for it.

Because at the moment, ds doesn't eve have his own bed. And why's that? Because your cocklodger partner has to fund it himself.

You would be absolutely mad to stay with him.

OP. My situation is different but had some similar circumstances.
DH and I had DSD one night a week. We owned a 2 bed flat. No problems there.
I became pregnant with DD and we had to look for a house.
We looked for a 3 bedroom place as we felt it was too much for an 11 year age gap to share. No arguments there.
DSD was given the bigger bedroom, by a lot.
Now dd is bigger I am beginning to resent this decision. Dsd is now 16 and barely here. She finds a window maybe once a month or so, usually when she wants something. She has her own life, saturday job and a boyfriend. She can be a little entitled in that she will only come if DH picks her up and drops her off, she refuses the train or bus.
DH was convinced that with the nicest bedroom dsd would be here more often in teenage years, that she needed to feel part of the family and not pushed out etc. And I didn't want to be the evil stepmother. And I agree that she does need to be part of our family. And I do love her too.
But I wish I had put my foot down and given dsd the boxroom. Her bedroom is simply never used.
And if I have another baby there will be nowhere to put it. If I evict dsd from her bedroom she will never come again.
Yes we could convert the attic but it would cost up to 30k and we will have spent more than our house is worth.
And we don't have 30k.