Bedroom Situation- Help me!

[NameChangeyy]

Name changed as this could be quite identifying... Would appreciate thoughts on WIBU, and if it's me, please help me see some reason/ perspective... This could be long!

Background: I have 2 DDs (3,8) and DP has 1 DS (8). We've been together since my second DD was very little (5m). Kids get on well for the most part, bar some minor issues/ differences with the eldest two, but nothing out of the ordinary. I own a two bed house and he owns a one bed flat.

We are now at the stage where we are starting to think about buying somewhere together. I have some equity in the house and am in a position to save around £1k a month towards a deposit. DP does have money in flat, but I reckon it will struggle to sell, so renting it out may be an option. He saves around £200pm but this covers birthdays, xmas, holidays, emergencies etc.

And so here is the dilemma, 3 bedroom or 4 bedroom?

And here is my AIBU: I think it is perfectly practical and sensible to not overstretch ourselves, and buy a nice 3 bedroomed house in a reasonable area with affordable payments and enough of a buffer to still be able to save money each month. 90% of the 4 bedrooms close enough to be near my family wraparound childcare (out of house for 12hrs a day, nursery only 10hrs) would be top end of budget, new-builds with small rooms. DP is absolutely adamant that DS needs his own bedroom.

Fine, I say. We'll look at older larger 3 beds and the girls can continue sharing for the medium term. Because of the 5 year age gap, I don't think it's really fair to make a 14yo share with a 9yo sibling when there is a bedroom sitting empty for 6 nights of the week? He says he will not have his son feeling pushed out of his own home.

I understand where he is coming from, I do. Hence why I would have DDs share so he has his own space while they are all still young. But from my point of view, DS already has a main home with his DM, who is still in the marital home (big 4 bed, lovely area). I am responsible for providing the main home for the girls. DDs dad lives with his mother so they have their dads room when they stay once a week and he sleeps on the sofa. I also feel like reminding him that while our finances are still separate, he is contributing to £200 pm DS's main home, while the girls father is contributing £400pm to their main home- although I accept maybe IABU with that point.

So DP wants DS to have own room and playroom at his mums, and own room at ours.. While DDs share room at ours, and don't have a room at their dads.

I just don't think it sounds fair at all and I'm starting to doubt the whole thing and wether or not this will even work.. It goes without saying I love DP, and care about DS but this just feels like the tip of the special snowflake iceberg. I always feel like there are too many times we are all tiptoeing around DS because he doesn't get to spend as much time with his dad as the girls do. If he's here at the weekend it goes without saying we go where he wants to go, if he doesn't want to watch a film we don't watch it. We went on holiday, DS only likes 3 different foods (I'm not kidding) so all of us could only ever go to places that definitely did those foods. He won't eat ice cream so had to say no when DD asked to go to ice cream place. If it was my kids I'd be saying well DD, we're having X and I'd like it if you tried some. If you don't want X thats fine, we'll get you something before/ after but everyone else likes X so that's what we're having. I've since found out its a lot of rubbish and DS will eat most foods, he just prefers for example McDonalds chicken nuggets than having say a normal restaurant kids meal. But I don't blame the wee sod when his dad is putting up with it, and fighting his corner in front of him if I dare to ever question it.

As I said, we all get on really well for the most part but I can't help feeling a bit resentful that while DP is trying to make sure his son isn't getting a raw deal, its going to end up that the girls are. My thoughts are they can share until oldest hits teens and they stop having toys littering the room.. Then girls get their own rooms and for the 1 night DS is here (when he is a teenager, will he even want to come?!!) DDs bunk in with each other and DS sleeps in DDs room. We have really neutral decor anyway, their room is white just now with teal bedding and its the way we all like it. The DDs will be fully aware that its DS home at the weekend too and he gets his own space when he's here.

The only other option is a 4 bed, which I'm really not keen on and will take at least another year of saving :-( as well as much tigher budget, more to clean (we both work long hours full time as it is and I frequently bring work home!) please tell me if IABU??

I'm wary DP can be over-sensitive about me speaking up....he had a bit of a go at me that I hadn't been telling her that wasn't ok....I do think twice about things now

But if your DD got there first because she's fastest, that's a fair 'race'. Was he intimating that she should have allowed his son to win?

I really, really hate to suggest something that isn't there, maybe I'm reading too much into what you say, but it seems to me that you aren't really being true to yourself or your daughters in this relationship, at least the part of it that involves his son. When do your daughters get to 'come first'? When do you? Maybe you're OK with it now, maybe even your daughters are ok with it today (although it sounds as if DD1 has questions), but do you really think you (or they) won't begin to resent DSS and/or DP in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years down the road when all those 'little unfairnesses' have added up? Do you really think that your DP is going to wake up and realize that he's treating your children as second-class citizens AND that he needs to not spoil his son? And be brutally honest with yourself; if a situation arises down the line in which you must stand up for yourself or your DDs with regards to his son, do you think he will do the right thing and back you up or would it be 'my son right or wrong'?

I have a relative who chose the man over her children and she's bitterly regretted it. One of her daughters ended up living with me and later with my parents. Her other daughter moved in with a paternal aunt. The particulars of her situation wasn't the same as yours, her husband mistreated her children, but perhaps it's made me hyper sensitive.

My sister has. 6 bedroom house. She and her partner have 2 girls and a wee boy and her DP has an older boy from a previous relationship.

The older boy has his own room (although an admitted difference is that they have him much more regularly than your case.

The two girls share and the wee boy has the box room (he's 2 so all he needs).

One bedroom is an office and the other, a music room. The office is rarely used so essentially sits empty.

I shared with my sister who is 4 years older till out older sister left for uni. This meant the slightly older DSis only had her own room in the family home for 1 year. My point, is that sharing a room is entirely normal and I think the boy needs his own space, even if it's a multiuse room for when he's not there. With more space and someone to pick up the slack he might try and have his son more often which would probably be good for both of them.

I think you have been given some great food for thought, OP. Maybe this is a good time for some family counselling.

But getting back to the practicalities, if the three bedroom houses you can afford have bigger bedrooms, would it not be feasible to get one where you could divide a bedroom into two? I managed to turn my two-bedroom flat into a three bedroom flat with a plaster-board wall.

What would happen when they are big lolloping teenagers.
By then they will prob need own rooms. if not that is a great excuse for big fall outs.
Disney Dads dont' seem to change ime.

I think you've got much bigger issues than whether you need a 3 or 4 bedroom house.

If I were you I'd make the biggest bedroom as my DD2's room but with DD1's bed & clothing kept there too and bedroom 2 again with 2 beds or bed with pull out bed, decorated neutrally with TV/games console (if they use) etc and this is DD1's chill out room/sleep room 6 days and DS room the one night he stays or in holidays. So he has his own space (not cluttered up with DD1 stuff) but so does DD1 when he not there?

From what you have said, it does sound like there are a lot of little issues that may become bigger issues if you all lived together. If the relationship works as things are now, why change that? Maybe it would be better to carry on living separately for the foreseeable, and look at it again in a few years?

I think if you are buying a house together you need to buy one that houses all of the children. It doesn't matter what they've got elsewhere imo, you need to treat them all equally in your home.

However, that extends to more than bedrooms and you sound like there are lots of issues with fairness to be sorted before you even think about living together.

If your DP currently favours his DS in ways that are determinental to your DDs then that won't change, except he'll now do it in your DDs home.

Do not move in with him unless all of the children are going to be treated equally in ALL ways.

*detrimental

You coukd still look at 3 beds but be imaginative with them, so could use a dining room as a fourth bedroom or split a large room in two, all depends on the house of course but he doesn't have to have a bedroom as such. Just somewhere that's his private space.

It looks to me like you'll be the one paying and overstretching yourself to provide his son with a rarely-used bedroom when he doesn't even have one in his father's home right now. Then your daughters can be second class citizens in their own home. Good luck. You and your daughters, your daughters especially, will need it.

Buy a house that has the potential to extend. Let your girls share till they really need seperate rooms.

Icecream wise - just say yes to your DD and have some time with your girls only. You don't all need to be together constantly. You could even tell him in advance that your girls want pizza (or other dish he won't eat) and on X day your taking your girls to eat pizza.

He sounds like a Disney dad and desperate for his son to be happy at his.

Why doesn't your DP watch his DS sport every weekend anyway? And again Sunday? You don't need to watch it. You can do something with your girls instead. Surely his DS shouldn't miss out on his activity.

You could buy a three bedroom house and make the smallest bedroom to be a study/boy bedroom when needed. This would mean you have a quiet place to do work you take home, and eldest girl would have quiet place to study when needed. If you have a studio couch type bed then his son can use that when he stays.

Seriously though I have my doubts whether your partnership would survive, especially when your DP thinks every weekend is going to revolve around his sons needs and wants. As to spending every weekend watching his son play sport and going to DP parents, is he for real?

I think your DD's needs have to be put to your DP, perhaps a written list of Pros/Cons so your DP can see how one sided he is being. I agree with other posts the financial side is not fair and equitable.

What happens if you get this house and then break up in the future? Does your DP keep his one bedroom flat plus a part of the three bedroom house you have put more money into? I think I would be getting some legal advice before proceeding.

I don't see the issue with buying a 4 bed if you can afford it, assuming you're in an area where house prices aren't likely to drop too much then a bigger mortgage means a bigger investment so it's not a waste of money.
But this isn't about bedrooms. I'm sure you do get on well but when you have a mortgage together and nowhere to go you may find these little issues become very big, especially when the two older are teenagers.
I think you should keep your properties and rent a 3 bed for a year as a trial

You really, really need to rent together first. At least for a year. It might work out but there's an awful lot going on that would be a deal breaker if you were as inflexible as your DP with regard to parenting.
If you decide to buy, even if you make sure your share of the deposit is protected with good legal advice, you'll still end up unable to keep the house if you split if you couldn't buy him out.
Will he ever allow you to parent DS? Will he ever do other family weekend trips or will DS always take precedence?
I do think you need a 4 bed but do not buy a home together yet!

He doesn't need his own room! Your daughters live there full time so should take priority. Give them a room each and have them share when DS stays over. Keep a box of his stuff in there and a drawer with his clothes in. And don't treat him like a guest. Treat him like one of your own and he'll feel more included, no pandering to fussiness or special rules just for him.

I think you should continue living separately. His D's is more equal than you and your children.

You'd be mad to buy anywhere with him yet.

Your DP's DS currently shares a room with him, but DP thinks DS needs his own room if YOU buy a house.

Your, same age, DD isn't allowed to 'get there first'

Your DD's aren't allowed ice cream because his DS doesn't want/'like' it

Your entire holiday eating revolved around him being allowed to choose which food he 'fancies'.

You don't feel you can speak up

He thinks your DD's should trail around after his DS & visit DS's Grandparents every weekend?

Fuck that all for a game of soldiers.

Love, wake up & smell the coffee.

YOUR GIRLS & you are already suffering due to Disney Dad Twattery. Do you really want that day in, day out?

There's no way I'd put my girls through that, nor deal with it myself. Either he loses the Disney Dad routine or it's over IMO. It will either drive you mad or drive a wedge between you & your girls. They might be tolerating it now, but you're already damaging your relationship with them because they will see you allowing him to be treat like a little snowflake while they're expected to 'suck it up'.

Your home is their primary residence & they survive not having their own room at their Dad's, but you are considering making them share a room so snowflake has his OWN ROOM in BOTH of his homes? Seriously? You are also considering reducing THEIR quality of life so snowflake has his own room one night a week?

It's not his primary residence AND he doesn't have his own room now so you are not suddenly taking something away which he previously had.

Madness. SO unfair on your girls.

Is he entitled to any equity in the large 4 bed marital home?
I wonder if it would be worthwhile having that sold and him putting more into yiu all getting a 4 bed so his DS has a room in both his homes.

I don't think it does kids any good to always have adults tip King around them over the guilt of a split - splits are devastatingly hard on children but the effects of allowing them such control has longer effects.

Bravo Autumn! What women do to hold on to half-decent men. OP, if you want to continue this relationship I think you should continue living apart. And don't try to force a fairytale idea of family. It is fine to do things separately at times.

kidding I think you are asking to be lynched.

Goodness me, this man does want his son to have his cake and eat it - that's if he actually likes cake.

I totally agree you are not ready to buy a home together. Your dds need to be treated as equals. Look at what ILoveAutumn said. Harsh, but true. Do you want your dds thinking they are inferior to males? Because that's the message they're getting right now.

As for letting out both properties, please be aware that you will be liable for tax on the income even if you pay mortgage interest as the tax rules are changing over the next couple of years. As for buying another house, if he lets his flat out and buys another one joint with you, he will then be classed as an owner two properties and will be liable for an additional 3% stamp duty on the total value of the new place. So for every £100k you spend, you will need to find an additional £3k. When you consider these two additional costs, it may actually be more cheaper to sell his flat. Although he would have somewhere to return to if things didn't work out and his flat will potentially rise in value as would your house.

I've slept on it.. Woken up and currently smelled the coffee

Have messaged to say I'm left feeling largely unsettled about his stance in the discussion, and that if he's sticking to his guns then it's thrown a massive spanner in the works.

He's just responsed saying it sounds ominous.

I think it's time I come out and properly stand my ground with this. Judging by the mixed responses I think I'm not 100% unreasonable, so I'd like to stick to my stance on a 3 bed and if he can't understand my logic, be prepared to walk away.

I don't think it's even about it actually happening at this point, I just want to know if he will back down and see where I'm coming from.. If he does back down, I still have lots to think about regarding wether we actually do it. It will be me putting in the bulk of the money after all.

He has a very small % of ExDW house, but it was mostly paid for by FIL. He couldn't and wouldn't want to force the sale of the house.

I think you need a pair of steel boots to stand your ground. Good luck and remember the tax situation when you're closer to deciding to live together.