Bedroom Situation- Help me!

[NameChangeyy]

Name changed as this could be quite identifying... Would appreciate thoughts on WIBU, and if it's me, please help me see some reason/ perspective... This could be long!

Background: I have 2 DDs (3,8) and DP has 1 DS (8). We've been together since my second DD was very little (5m). Kids get on well for the most part, bar some minor issues/ differences with the eldest two, but nothing out of the ordinary. I own a two bed house and he owns a one bed flat.

We are now at the stage where we are starting to think about buying somewhere together. I have some equity in the house and am in a position to save around £1k a month towards a deposit. DP does have money in flat, but I reckon it will struggle to sell, so renting it out may be an option. He saves around £200pm but this covers birthdays, xmas, holidays, emergencies etc.

And so here is the dilemma, 3 bedroom or 4 bedroom?

And here is my AIBU: I think it is perfectly practical and sensible to not overstretch ourselves, and buy a nice 3 bedroomed house in a reasonable area with affordable payments and enough of a buffer to still be able to save money each month. 90% of the 4 bedrooms close enough to be near my family wraparound childcare (out of house for 12hrs a day, nursery only 10hrs) would be top end of budget, new-builds with small rooms. DP is absolutely adamant that DS needs his own bedroom.

Fine, I say. We'll look at older larger 3 beds and the girls can continue sharing for the medium term. Because of the 5 year age gap, I don't think it's really fair to make a 14yo share with a 9yo sibling when there is a bedroom sitting empty for 6 nights of the week? He says he will not have his son feeling pushed out of his own home.

I understand where he is coming from, I do. Hence why I would have DDs share so he has his own space while they are all still young. But from my point of view, DS already has a main home with his DM, who is still in the marital home (big 4 bed, lovely area). I am responsible for providing the main home for the girls. DDs dad lives with his mother so they have their dads room when they stay once a week and he sleeps on the sofa. I also feel like reminding him that while our finances are still separate, he is contributing to £200 pm DS's main home, while the girls father is contributing £400pm to their main home- although I accept maybe IABU with that point.

So DP wants DS to have own room and playroom at his mums, and own room at ours.. While DDs share room at ours, and don't have a room at their dads.

I just don't think it sounds fair at all and I'm starting to doubt the whole thing and wether or not this will even work.. It goes without saying I love DP, and care about DS but this just feels like the tip of the special snowflake iceberg. I always feel like there are too many times we are all tiptoeing around DS because he doesn't get to spend as much time with his dad as the girls do. If he's here at the weekend it goes without saying we go where he wants to go, if he doesn't want to watch a film we don't watch it. We went on holiday, DS only likes 3 different foods (I'm not kidding) so all of us could only ever go to places that definitely did those foods. He won't eat ice cream so had to say no when DD asked to go to ice cream place. If it was my kids I'd be saying well DD, we're having X and I'd like it if you tried some. If you don't want X thats fine, we'll get you something before/ after but everyone else likes X so that's what we're having. I've since found out its a lot of rubbish and DS will eat most foods, he just prefers for example McDonalds chicken nuggets than having say a normal restaurant kids meal. But I don't blame the wee sod when his dad is putting up with it, and fighting his corner in front of him if I dare to ever question it.

As I said, we all get on really well for the most part but I can't help feeling a bit resentful that while DP is trying to make sure his son isn't getting a raw deal, its going to end up that the girls are. My thoughts are they can share until oldest hits teens and they stop having toys littering the room.. Then girls get their own rooms and for the 1 night DS is here (when he is a teenager, will he even want to come?!!) DDs bunk in with each other and DS sleeps in DDs room. We have really neutral decor anyway, their room is white just now with teal bedding and its the way we all like it. The DDs will be fully aware that its DS home at the weekend too and he gets his own space when he's here.

The only other option is a 4 bed, which I'm really not keen on and will take at least another year of saving :-( as well as much tigher budget, more to clean (we both work long hours full time as it is and I frequently bring work home!) please tell me if IABU??

His DS can always have a place with his father. Just not a bed or a bedroom apparently as his father can't be bothered to provide it.

You on the other hand, should make it a priority for his son.

There's the entitlement right there.

Sometimes conflict cannot be avoided if some children are unfairly missing out. You are doing your daughters a total disservice if you are teaching them that they must always give in to men who have tantrums if they don't get their own way.

And stop giving up your bed in your house ! Your partner can have his son to stay at his own home.

He said if it was the other way around, and I'd said I needed a room for my 1 child who stays once a week that would be top of his priority list.

But this way round you need rooms for two DDs who stay nearly all the time, and that is not even on his priority list, let alone at the top.

Yes my thoughts exactly!

He's now admitted defeat (?) in as much as yes we can save with the aim of looking at 3 beds, and (his words!) spend £15k converting a garage or attic for DS . He saves £40 a week! I almost laughed in his face. I should say one of his main arguments too is that his DM and DF have mainted a large 3 bed into their 60s, so him and his siblings always have a room at their parents should they ever need one. Maybe by the time DS is DPs age we'll have saved enough to give DS his attic room .

*His DS can always have a place with his father. Just not a bed or a bedroom apparently as his father can't be bothered to provide it.

You on the other hand, should make it a priority for his son.

There's the entitlement right there.*

I totally agree with what Kidnapped said.

Why are you moving in with him (if you still are?) A few posters have asked you this and you haven't really explained. In your shoes I would be keen to just continue as I was.

It seems to me that the move is totally designed to benefit DP and his DS, but might bring you a whole load of headache.

I would also examine why you feel your needs, and your DDs needs should come second to DP? You mention a few times that you see yourself as a peacemaker and it seems you have been conditioned either in childhood or in later relationships to not cause a fuss or have any boundaries. If you do, you are easily persuaded that you are being over sensitive.

I would be really wary of buying a home with this man.

"Bloody mess! Doubting everything, now I've written a lot of it down it's made it clear that I do need to stop trying to not rock the boat. It's never going to change otherwise. As PPs said, I think I'm very much a peacekeeper and absolutely hate conflict".

Heh! Good for you in recognising this. Me? I can start WW3 in the mere blink of an eye. Between us, we'd have a 'normal person'.

But in all seriousness - I think it will be great if you can do this and if you can in some way show your girls you have done it / how you have done it, so they can learn too.

Well he's certainly very comfortable with spending your money for you OP, I'll give him that.

No way would I be touching this arrangement with a bargepole, sorry.

The 'if you had one DD and she stayed one day a week' he'd prioritise her?

Well you have two DD's and he's walking all over their needs to prioritise his DS, who does not need a room of his own and who he himself does not provide what he expects you to provide for him.

If you really want to stay in a relationship OP with a man where you pay for your girls to be second class citizens.

At the very least make sure you get legal advice on the new house, you'll be selling your house and paying towards the mortgage and deposit and he will contribute £200 a month.

You could effectively be leaving yourself and children to being homeless as this man sounds grabby.

Why would you be with a man who wants your children to be less valued in their own home? & who wants your girls to be the 'losers' to make his son happy?

I think you need to go into this both as equals and that includes your DC. However I see no problem with moving DD in with each other for 1 night. for the time being.

My concern would be that you will be putting considerably more into the purchase of this house than your DP including the deposit. Obviously this would not normally matter (whats mine is your and that) but when there are demands from both side regarding DC it can lead to resentment.

An alternative could be to buy a 3 bedroom with abiity for loft extension. You put extra into purchase with the condition that DP pays for a loft extension (could he take a loan on his flat if he rents it out?) which would then become DS's bedroom. This should increase the value on your house and means you are equal in what you have put into the house and DC all have own room.

"if it was the other way around"

• but it isn't. he can talk counterfactuals all he likes but it is this way around and your money.

Don't get the 3 bed house, don't get any house with this man.

I think it is hard sometimes to realise when someone else has shifted the balance of reasonable compromise too far, because it is gradual, and you go into with genuine goodwill and a certain amount of compromise is entirely reasonable. What I have learnt the hard way is that I am too inclined to treat every situation as if I am dealing with a reasonable person who is making a reasonable number of demands, and so the reasonable thing for me would be to assume that I need to give each one headspace and credence. There are people like this. But there are also people who need to be contained because every time you compromise with them they come up with another demand that pushes things a little bit further their way, and they will carry on until someone pushes back, well into the realms of extreme unfairness*. I do not want to be in intimate relationships with people like that but I am forced to deal with them at work and in the wider world and now I know a bit more about how to do it

*Men in relationships with women are often like this because they believe the woman's job is to make the man's life easier

Oppps sorry crossposted with your update

If you do buy a house with him, make sure you properly ring fence your equity and your investment into the mortgage so that you leave with what you came in with + the appreciation of the property over time in proportion to your investment. You need to be in a position where you can dissolve this asset and come out no worse off i.e. easily able to buy a suitable house for you and your daughters, which is what you have now.

Think a four bed is better, though it costs more, if you get a three bed think you will regret it later, you could also let out the fourth bedroom to a lodger for more money if things change or money gets tight

rabbit has a good point esp re loft conversion.

I still can't get over him saving £40 a week and expecting a loft conversion etc too be magicked out of that! He can get a remortgage on his flat tight idiot!

Normally from what I recall working in law (not a solicitor!) a Trust Deed if you buy together protects your interests and his. However I have also seen this arrangement go tits up with friend of my boss, very similar arrangement to yours!

I would rent for at least 6 months to a year before buying and make the proviso that your DP's attitude towards yours DDs changes dramatically so they are all equals.

If he didn't shape up after that period I would seriously be reconsidering my relationship with this man.

I would also get him to cut out the armchair psychology of how he's an expert on blended families/step children/parenting etc!

I dont think id continue with this relationship at all. It isnt balanced and he is very entitled.

I wouldn't consider renting with this man, let alone throwing in my finances and buying with him.

It's not really about bedrooms or choice of where and what to eat, it's an essential difference in parenting techniques.

There's compensating, there's over compensating and then there's overcompensating at the direct detriment of your DCs and that's what he's trying to do. It won't make for a happy home life.

Disrailing post a bit but Enrique I love your MN name - does it have a back story behind it? Sounds like something out of Lord of the Rings!

I think it depends on how long you are planning to be in the new house. If it is a shorter time and you will be moving on in say three or four years then stick with three bed, save like mad and then go for a 4 bed. If however you plan on being in the new house for longer than that, ie through the older children's teenage years then it would be mean to both the older two to expect them to be shifting bedrooms around weekly, they will both have stuff, school or personal, that they do not want to keep moving, and will need some personal space. Also what happens if your partners child wants to stay over more than one night a week, in the holidays or at Christmas etc.

I think for the sake of blended family harmony everyone needs to have a stake in the new house, even if it is for only one night a week. If the positions were reversed I doubt your girls would appreciate being seen as temporary lodgers in a parents home.

What many other posters have said. You shouldn't even be considering moving in with this man.

Please put your DDs first and don't move in together.

They are already being shown that they are not equal.

Males should be prioritised and put first even if they are not better at something.

They should be allowed to go first. Activities, treats food choices etc

Males should be respected and waited for however the males should not respect and wait for them.

Your DDs will notice this in the future. They will either become bloody resentful that their lives are expected by this man you chose to revolve around his child (and you seem to be allowing it) or they will learn to pander to men and think they are not equal.

Is having and living with a man really worth so much?

His ex PIL subsidised his previous marriage/life style. Now he expects you to subsidise what he wants this time around. He is only begrudgingly accepting he can't have what he thinks he and his son are entitled to because you won't pay for it. Lucky that PIL could I suppose.

Another thing to consider is what would happen if you were to outlive your partner.

Currently, your house would go to your children if you die. In a jointly owned house which passes to your partner, he will then leave everything you've worked for to his own son.

I love your MN name - does it have a back story behind it?

Super no one's ever said that to me before. I'm here.
It's not exotic, it just amused me. Will message you.

To emphasise what I was saying before about the over compensating, it wasn't a criticism, it's a fairly natural desire for the situation I'd think, it's better though to treat the child who lives with you part time as an equal part of the family and not a visiting guest who always has precedence. It should be much muck in and give and take, not dictate.

Why are you moving in with him (if you still are?) A few posters have asked you this and you haven't really explained. In your shoes I would be keen to just continue as I was.

I suppose as a natural progression of the relationship type thing. He is here in our two bed more than he is in his flat, so he's keeping it going just so him and DS have a base at the weekend. Which is expensive for the 2 nights a week he is there. The thinking was initially, that if he could manage to rent out his flat, he'd move in here temporarily for a year while we saved and hopefully he'd be able to save more than £40 per week because his bills (and therefor mines) would reduce.

The problem being is that DS really doesn't have anywhere to sleep here, as I said whenever he does stay I take the sofa. He won't sleep in a campbed and I'd thought it was unreasonable to expect that for the odd occasion.

So, as I've just sat on the phone explaining to DP, the more he priorities DS room the longer we'd have to stay here to save, where we don't physically have space for an extra bed. I've told him straight if its a permanent arrangement, every weekend I won't be sleeping on the sofa and he will have to convince DS that sleeping in with the girls in a makedown bed is good.

He's actually admitted, after much prodding (me saying that DS probably wouldn't care about not having a place for his things, because he doesn't have "things" he has an iPad- but thats another thread...) That actually DS probably wouldn't even care and this is mostly about DPs own worries and wanting the best for DS.

I just don't get it though.. If DDs DF met a woman, and she had kids, I'd never expect those kids to share so the DDs had their own bedroom. Wouldn't even cross my mind. As long as DDs felt loved, secure, and as much a part of the family while there as the other DCs I really wouldn't expect DCs to go without in their main home. DDs have a main home, and their father does his bit to contribute towards that.

It sounds like your preference would be for your DDs to have a room each eventually which means a 3 bed place regardless as to whether your DP is on the scene or not. Would you be more stretched buying a 4 bed with him than a 3 bed on your own?