Bedroom Situation- Help me!

[NameChangeyy]

Name changed as this could be quite identifying... Would appreciate thoughts on WIBU, and if it's me, please help me see some reason/ perspective... This could be long!

Background: I have 2 DDs (3,8) and DP has 1 DS (8). We've been together since my second DD was very little (5m). Kids get on well for the most part, bar some minor issues/ differences with the eldest two, but nothing out of the ordinary. I own a two bed house and he owns a one bed flat.

We are now at the stage where we are starting to think about buying somewhere together. I have some equity in the house and am in a position to save around £1k a month towards a deposit. DP does have money in flat, but I reckon it will struggle to sell, so renting it out may be an option. He saves around £200pm but this covers birthdays, xmas, holidays, emergencies etc.

And so here is the dilemma, 3 bedroom or 4 bedroom?

And here is my AIBU: I think it is perfectly practical and sensible to not overstretch ourselves, and buy a nice 3 bedroomed house in a reasonable area with affordable payments and enough of a buffer to still be able to save money each month. 90% of the 4 bedrooms close enough to be near my family wraparound childcare (out of house for 12hrs a day, nursery only 10hrs) would be top end of budget, new-builds with small rooms. DP is absolutely adamant that DS needs his own bedroom.

Fine, I say. We'll look at older larger 3 beds and the girls can continue sharing for the medium term. Because of the 5 year age gap, I don't think it's really fair to make a 14yo share with a 9yo sibling when there is a bedroom sitting empty for 6 nights of the week? He says he will not have his son feeling pushed out of his own home.

I understand where he is coming from, I do. Hence why I would have DDs share so he has his own space while they are all still young. But from my point of view, DS already has a main home with his DM, who is still in the marital home (big 4 bed, lovely area). I am responsible for providing the main home for the girls. DDs dad lives with his mother so they have their dads room when they stay once a week and he sleeps on the sofa. I also feel like reminding him that while our finances are still separate, he is contributing to £200 pm DS's main home, while the girls father is contributing £400pm to their main home- although I accept maybe IABU with that point.

So DP wants DS to have own room and playroom at his mums, and own room at ours.. While DDs share room at ours, and don't have a room at their dads.

I just don't think it sounds fair at all and I'm starting to doubt the whole thing and wether or not this will even work.. It goes without saying I love DP, and care about DS but this just feels like the tip of the special snowflake iceberg. I always feel like there are too many times we are all tiptoeing around DS because he doesn't get to spend as much time with his dad as the girls do. If he's here at the weekend it goes without saying we go where he wants to go, if he doesn't want to watch a film we don't watch it. We went on holiday, DS only likes 3 different foods (I'm not kidding) so all of us could only ever go to places that definitely did those foods. He won't eat ice cream so had to say no when DD asked to go to ice cream place. If it was my kids I'd be saying well DD, we're having X and I'd like it if you tried some. If you don't want X thats fine, we'll get you something before/ after but everyone else likes X so that's what we're having. I've since found out its a lot of rubbish and DS will eat most foods, he just prefers for example McDonalds chicken nuggets than having say a normal restaurant kids meal. But I don't blame the wee sod when his dad is putting up with it, and fighting his corner in front of him if I dare to ever question it.

As I said, we all get on really well for the most part but I can't help feeling a bit resentful that while DP is trying to make sure his son isn't getting a raw deal, its going to end up that the girls are. My thoughts are they can share until oldest hits teens and they stop having toys littering the room.. Then girls get their own rooms and for the 1 night DS is here (when he is a teenager, will he even want to come?!!) DDs bunk in with each other and DS sleeps in DDs room. We have really neutral decor anyway, their room is white just now with teal bedding and its the way we all like it. The DDs will be fully aware that its DS home at the weekend too and he gets his own space when he's here.

The only other option is a 4 bed, which I'm really not keen on and will take at least another year of saving :-( as well as much tigher budget, more to clean (we both work long hours full time as it is and I frequently bring work home!) please tell me if IABU??

Neon yes the son is a brat but that's down to both him and his mum's bad parenting!

He is brat like in the way that if he stamps his feet and doesn't want ice cream that means no one else gets it too, he knows that if he doesn't want a certain type of food (eg he won't eat I'm presuming) then that means everyone has to bow down to his whims. He has not been taught the meaning of the word compromise and by 8 this should definitely have happened!

His dad and mum it seems are to blame for his snowflakedness!

I do however think it's fine that dad goes to weekend sports events with his son but he doesn't have to involve OP or her DC.

This is why me and my DP don't live together after 3 years - and quite probably never will.

I have 2 DCs and he has one DS. I am main carer to my 2 and he has 50/50 with his DS.

We had vaguely talked about moving in together, but then things took a bit of a frenetic turn when DP realised that his current house was outside the catchment area for the secondary school his DS wanted to go to.

He decided to go ahead and buy a house in the catchment area that was big enough for all of us and we would move in a bit further down the line.

He chose the house without me seeing it. He and his DS saw it, DS loved the attic room and mentally kitted it out with his stuff and they put an offer in.

That was red flag number 1. My DS is a year younger and would have loved that room too. And he is there more than 50% of the time too. But no discussion.
I was livid that DSS (not really DSS, but for the purposes of this thread...it is clearer) got to choose OUR family home without me being involved at all.

But DP was very lovely and decorated rooms for my DC and we began by staying over every so often.

But that didn't work. DP likes to live in a complete bubble with DSS when he is there. No one must encroach on the comfort of his DS. So my children were to stay out of the way, not touch his stuff, not be annoying (my DD was 3 and behaved like a 3 year old, which 11 year old DSS found irritating) so they were tiptoeing around all the time. And I stopped taking them round when DSS was there because I didn't want them feeling like that - and we had better fun at home where they could be themselves and be put first.

So now I see DP when we are child free. Or I can go there when I don't have my children, but he has DSS, because I don't disrupt their little bubble in the way my children do.

It is frustrating and limiting and I get pretty pissed off sometimes when DSS wins out over everyone and everything (don't get me wrong. Children should come first, but even when it was DP's best friend's 40th and his Mum offered to babysit - he won't leave the house if DSS is in it, so he let his best friend down instead)

This is what I have accepted. Never living together. Never blending the families. Never being a proper partnership. Being always not important in big decisions.

I am very glad we never moved in together!

I think he should have his own bedroom. Otherwise he will feel like a visitor. If he was a girl then I'd be saying share.

The food thing I understand. Ive had a couple of fussy eaters. And a couple not. Eight I think is the peak age. I bet it passes. It's awkward when there is a lot of you to please everyone all the time. That happens in non blended large families too.

Hmm. I think the largest problem is that for OP's partner his son's wishes (not his needs) will always come first. I actually think the boy should have a permanent (if small) bedroom in his dad's home. But the bigger issue is his dad doesn't care about fairness (waiting for treats until all 3 kids have one) but about his son having what's 'due' to him (food he likes even if the others don't, special treat while the girls are waiting, winning a race).

The OP is more reasonable and as a result she and her girls will get clobbered. She'll be trying to think of a fair way to decide who gets the TV remote while her partner will just hand it to his son.

In the new house the hierarchy will be:
Partner's son
Partner
OP
OP's daughters

Don't do it OP. And have several serious discussions about the incidents you've listed and why you felt they were unfair. You are not on the same page right now about parenting and you might never be.

As a PP said, it's not about the bedrooms.
I can't see this working out, unfortunately. However, if you really want to give it a go, I would rent out your house and rent a bigger one and try living together. I suspect that all of the 'little' things that grate now will magnify when you are all under one roof, irrespective of the number of bedrooms. And I can only imagine it will get worse when DD1 and DS are teens.

Your dp clearly doesn't think his son having his own room in the flat he's currently funding is a priority, but it is in the house you're primarily funding?

And it's not just a straight choice between a 3-bed and a 4-bed house. The OP pointed out that in order to be able to afford the larger 4-bed, they'd have to move further out, away from her family who are on-hand to help with child-care.

"Your dp clearly doesn't think his son having his own room in the flat he's currently funding is a priority, but it is in the house you're primarily funding?"

Excellent point.

It's all very well saying you can put up with his disney parenting once a week but it will wear you down and you will lose respect for him.

And I agree you are currently short changing your own girls which I am sure you don't mean to do but that is really sad.

I would carry on seeing him not living together and see how it goes for a bit longer. Whilst talking very openly about his parenting style and see if he can gain some insight into how detrimental his style is being to his son. He presumably thinks he is doing the best for his son but the things he is doing is awful.

I can't see this blend working out. And as you are currently in a fine position with your two bed house etc, I'd stay put.

Agree with most on here. Do not buy a house with him.

This thing about the beds interested me because I think it gives an insight into the power dynamic in the relationship.

What struck me was that you give up your own bedroom when his child stays over. Symbolic that he and his son get the main bedroom while you lie on the couch to make way for them. Literally giving up your space for them without a murmur. In your own house.

Just a small way that you have put their comfort ahead of your own. Entirely unthinking on your part but very significant when you look at the wider picture.

You mentioned your ex lives with his mum and when your girls sleep there, they sleep in their dad's room and he sleeps on the sofa. Interesting again because this is an example of a father there who puts his children's comfort above his own. And gives up his bed.

Your DP does not give up a bed. Ever.

Between you, you and your partner are teaching your children that women and girls provide and pander to the demands and whims of the boys and men. The house issue is just a symbol of the acquiescence of the females, which is the pattern of the whole relationship.

OP, you need to read this over and over again until it sinks in. Everything you have said in this thread indicates that you give in to EVERYTHING your DP asks of you, both on his behalf and his son, while you demand nothing at all on behalf of your own family.

Please don't move in with this man. He brings absolutely nothing to the table, and is expecting you to finance something for his son that he either can't afford for himself, or has no interest in providing. He doesn't save, he doesn't earn enough to pay for the things he demands of you, he pushes you around, he expects you to physically hold your own daughters back so that his son can push forward, and now he is expecting you to step up and provide for his son on top of everything else.

Someone upthread said that she felt sorry for the boy with a stepmother like this. The OP is NOT anybody's stepmother. She is the girlfriend of a lazy, grasping and selfish fecker who expects the women around him to pay to house and clothe him and his children while he Disney Dads around and expects everybody to fall at his feet. He does't have any equity in his marital home because he couldn't even pay for that himself.

He might be a lovely boyfriend, and you may well have a very happy and contented long term relationship with him (although I can't imagine your daughters ever thanking you for it), but moving in with him seems to be setting you up for being legally tied (through the house) to a selfish cocklodger, who will grind you and your girls down.

I wouldn't even be contemplating buying a home together tbh - you need to rent for at least 12 months, so you can decide if your mixed styles of parenting can work together. Getting out of a joint mortgage could be hellish, and you could end up with a big financial hit. He sounds like he is completely tiptoeing around his DS, and just imagine how that is going to be as he gets older - smoking weed in the house because he can at home, staying out all hours and bringing friends/girls home?? Your girls will end up hating him if you're not careful. Your DP doesn't sound like he is going to be able to set boundaries at all. Moving in with someone is a huge commitment both emotionally and financially, and you sound like you are having doubts already. I'd be more inclined to let him have his own place for his DS visits and stay well away from it all, personally including holidays.

I suppose I do allow them at times to be treated unfairly because I'm wary DP can be over-sensitive about me speaking up...
i admit I'm very much a peace keeper and do think twice about things now

This is from the first page and IMO is the most revealing thing the OP has said on the thread.

The partner throws a strop when he is challenged. The OP characterises it as being 'over-sensitive' rather than sulky and childish and usually one of the first hints of EA . You know, sensitive, like his son, who he seems to be trying to bring up to be a snowflake, just like his daddy.

She also recognises that she goes along with whatever unreasonable crap the partner wants, even when she knows it is unfair and to the detriment of her daughters, to avoid the strop. She knows this and still does it.

OP, stop trying to be reasonable. Stop putting yourself and your daughters last. Do not buy a house for with this man.

Everything useful has been said here, yay Mumsnet. I think it is an argument in favour of not blending your families. You are bending over backwards to be fair and he ..... he is not. He is out for his DS and , it seems, perfectly happy for someone else to fund it, first FIL and now you.

Curiously, not when he was financing his own flat.

Please don't do this to your daughters. In my mother's generation, boys were routinely favoured over girls. You are currently in a great position, financially secure: why would you give that up in order to pander to his desires for his DSS.

Blending at this point would not be doing any of the children any favours.

Based on the OP's posts, I'd say it's not even worth the ball-ache of renting for a year first. They'll still be paying a premium for the sake of one night a week, and the ability for the OP to save to move her and her daughters will be impacted between a deposit and the high cost of rent.

Mixed styles of parenting very rarely work together, and is it really worth the financial risk to see if with your own eyes?

"Someone upthread said that she felt sorry for the boy with a stepmother like this".

Yes, I saw that (expressed in a few comments) and I could not help but wonder why people feel sorry for the boy with the OP (who seems to go out of her way to keep the peace and be thoughtful) as step-mum, and what they were thinking of a step-dad who expected his DSDs to step aside for his holy sprog - to the extent of waiting until he was ready to eat and letting him win races!

Please, please heed the warnings.I feel you are me 10years ago and I am just going through a separation.I had a mortgage free 4 bed house, enough room for all the children.Stbex had 1dc who he and mum were incredibly indulgent to, similar pandering on food etc.He was restarting financially after divorce.

We moved areas to be closer to dsd (mistake nos1) and only place we could afford was 3 bed, with plans to extend.Massive resentment from ex over dsd not having her own room, despite ours being unable to share.

Once we had joint finances the imbalance tipped towards ex.His attitude changed from wanting to compromise to demanding what happened.Its only looking back that I can see he had refused to compromise on issues before such as ice cream incident.Dsd had priority over our relationship which never changed.When at 18 she had a tantrem over lack of private skiing lessons ex refused to rein her in.All his resentment came spilling out and I've had to walk away from the marriage.

Dsd feels heartbroken as she fully acknowledges her spoilt behaviour and doesn't understand why her dad is so resentful.Sadly it was never about fairness or what was reasonable, he wanted what he thought was right.

Judge his future attitude, on the big issues, on how he thinks about the smaller issues NOW.Does he consider the whole family or is it him and dss THEN the whole family?
I truly believed I put 'us' all first, at times that meant my dcs needs came first, other times it was dsd.For my ex it was dsd and him first.It's subtle so you have to observe the behaviour carefully.

Of course we had good times, that's why we married but looking back my uneasiness was there and I was trying too hard to see his point of view.

I do actually think a 4 bed is needed, especially for blended families.Territory and sense of belonging is more important than a blood family.Don't ignore this.Also teens need their space.Dss may choose to spend more time with his dad as he gets older.I also think you should expect your dp to want to spend more time with his son especially if your house is girl focussed.

You are in the "pre move in honeymoon period", it does get worst and only improves if you can genuinely resolve those parenting differences.You and your dp have to either fix the ice cream type incidents or YOU have to completely let it go and feel zero resentment.

I am now in a much worse financial situation than 10 years ago and wish I had been more cautious.

I wonder if you should even move in together once resentment has set in. If you feel you're paying more than your share and his DS will be favoured over your DDs that is not a basis for a happy home. It also sounds like you have to walk on eggshells re: DS, sod that. You should be equal partners, but you aren't.

I think you should keep your own home.

Few typos "It's subtle so you have to observe the behaviour carefully".

I would also add, my ex appeared to adore me, seems so reasonable and wanting to make it all work.I think a switch went on when he felt the loss of complete control that was needed to make a blended family work.I genuinely feel women are more able to balance the family's needs.Ex also needed adoration from dsd due to guilt, Disney parenting is much more common for fathers.

You have lots of red flags op, but I know that if you are reasonable you will feel there must be a compromise or solution.

I think everyone is being pretty harsh on the son here. Yes he sounds spoilt but he's 8 and is sensitive and emotional, I'm really uncomfortable with the way some posters are talking about him.

I think he should have a room but that you need to talk about the other issues with your dp's parenting so that it's fairer.

I don't think people are being harsh about the son. I think they are being harsh about how the OP's partner is parenting his son, and the effect this is having on him. That is criticism of the father, not the son.

The son really isn't the issue here, and there's no reason to criticise him or otherwise, but after another 10 years absorbing his father's entitled attitude, who knows?

Agree.
It's not about the ds but about his father.

OP please read what people who have been thee have posted.
This man will always put his ds first and foremost, even at the detriment of your own dcs or yourself.

If you were to try and move together, at least, start with renting something.

I am also really uncomfortable with the way people are talking about DSS, speshul snowflake etc, really mean about an 8 year old boy who is not to blame for his dad's parenting or lack of.

I agree with others though don't move in with this guy as it doesn't sound as though the blending of your families are working at the moment so living together will really shine a light on any cracks in the relationships. I have 2 teenage DS and wouldn't inflict a new man moving in to their house on them or inflict them on my DP.

Wow thank you so much for all the responses, and especially to posters who have been there and shared their stories.

I've said my piece to him about how I'm putting my foot down on this, more to see how he responds than anything else because the initial plan of moving in is all a bit up in the air after reading through this thread.

As I suspected, initial tantrum, and then slightly more reasonable explanations. He said if it was the other way around, and I'd said I needed a room for my 1 child who stays once a week that would be top of his priority list. Hmmm

Also as some PPs have raised, he then tried to argue that DS may well want to stay with us when he's a teenager. I agreed the DDs would obviously share if he was with us full time, or even half the time. But not for one night a week. He then said well DS may want to start coming over mid-week, this wouldn't happen, his school is over an hour away during rush hour and we both leave to head to work before 7am. He's clutching at straws.

The thing is, before his wife he was seeing a woman who had a teenage daughter, so he is therefore automatically the expert on how children feel left out, how X issue affects them etc. Forgetting completely the fact that actually, I was the one who grew up with a dad who genuinely did not care a bit, and his mum and dad are still happily married . Yes its shit feeling unwanted by parents, but 1) I've grown up to realise my DF was just a shit person in general and 2) on no planet would DS ever be made to feel unwanted. But he is obviously the expert, and this seems to have created this hard line that DS must always have a place with his father.

Bloody mess! Doubting everything, now I've written a lot of it down it's made it clear that I do need to stop trying to not rock the boat. It's never going to change otherwise. As PPs said, I think I'm very much a peacekeeper and absolutely hate conflict.