to think I don't have to consult DH reg accepting a promotion?

[theramengirl]

Details slightly changed to avoid outing.

I have been asked by a government organization to act as its media representative. It came as a surprise to me, but not to my co-workers – seems that they always ‘knew I will go places’ (this quote is direct from the mouth of one). I was in a volunteer position so far. Now I will be in the forefront.

I will also be in the media a lot – giving interviews, opinions, taking part in talk shows etc. I will have to travel frequently, and will not be at home more often.

It IS a big honour, and something I feel is like a gift from the gods for all my hard work these years. I immediately accepted.

When I went home and told my husband, he said that I have been disrespectful to our marriage by not discussing with him about accepting such a different and full time responsibility in the organization.

My husband is generally a nice guy, but is from a culture which expects women to be seen and not heard (I am from the same culture too, but brought up by liberal parents – am very lucky that way). Initially there was great friction as he realised I was not going to be a 'homemaker' like his mother or sister, but we have worked around it. I own a business now, and we are now closer than ever (or so I thought!).

He is in a well-paying job and is very generous in sharing his money (for eg he helped out a cousin of mine when he was in financial difficulty, and didn’t even expect the money back). He also travels frequently, for weeks some time, due to the nature of his work. But I have always been there at home when he returns. Now the status with change.

He is upset now. I really didn’t think it would matter (it's not like we have any dependents), I thought he would be happy for me. He is, I think, but he is also acting like I have been massively insensitive.

AIBU to feel that I didn’t have to talk to him before accepting a promotion? Should I have told this government organization – "Thanks, but give me some time to give you an answer" – and then discussed with my husband about it all, and then given my acceptance?

Will be grateful for your thoughts.

When you talk again on Sunday, you should remind him that him not discussing his promotions or trips is also disrespectful of your marriage.
You both have the same rights and obligations. It doesn't work only one way.

No kids? Amazing job offer?

He is being massively unreasonable.

Pre kids, the first word out of my husband's mouth would have been 'congratulations'.

And I still don't see what there is to discuss apart from the fostering.

Like I say, if DP or I informed the other that we'd been offered a job like that, the response would be "I'm really proud of you".

Since your DH has not discussed similar decisions with you in the past, YANBU not to have discussed it with him.

Though, I prefer a relationship where such big decisions are discussed both ways...

Without children I think it's fine to accept any job, that does not involve moving home. I would discuss with my DH but he would have no right to veto. he would also discuss with me. If one of us came home and had accepted the offer (out of excitement) we would celebrate.

With children it's a bit harder but DH is a sahd and if he was offered a great opportunity that he wanted to take we would do what we could to make it work. Same the other wAy round.

Maybe he is not the right man for you. You only get one chance at life - if you throw away this opportunity of the job you may regret it. I think it's sad that you are sharing your life, hopes and dreams with a man who is blocking something you want to do. Maybe you need to throw this fish back into the pond.

He says you are determined and wanting to climb higher as if it's a bad thing!

Good luck op - follow your dreams.

I find the notion that drastically changing the amount of time you spend together, as long as there aren't kids is fine. Spending quality time together is an important (and often neglected) part of a relationship. If anything is going to alter that balance of time, then of course it should be discussed. That's not to say that people should dictate to eachother, but part of being a couple is considering the other person's feelings, and how your decisions impact on eachother and the relationship.

OP, I'm so sorry that his reaction has been so far from what you would have hoped for and expected. Other posters have responded much better than I would, so I'll just add that "ambitious and ruthless" sounds like a bloody brilliant compliment to me

(also takethejobtakethejobtakethejob)

Yes, OP definitely take the job. Congratulations!

But Blueskyrain, it doesn't sound like it is anything like a 'drastic' change. A few evenings a month, when he's off travelling at a moment's notice without discussion so is likely to not be around anyway? Do you think if you wanted to take up an evening class you'd have to discuss it with your partner first?

It seems clear to me that despite the past he still has notions of the dutiful wife waiting at home for him. He is being a controlling twat.

I'm horrified at having to discuss yoyr life choices with your owner before you are allowed to make them

I don't have an owner. Do you?

I'm horrified at a couple NOT discussing their life choices with each other before they make them. Not much of a couple, are they? It's kind of the minimal level of interaction required to call yourselves any kind of unit.

I'm not half of a unit. I live with, and co-parent, with my partner because I choose to.

What lifestyle and job changes was he planning to make for himself to allow for the fostering of younger children as it is his idea not yours?

What he planning to cut down his hours and stop travelling so much?

I bet the answer to both questions in negative. He has slipped back into his family's pattern of thinking. Woman at home, with the children: man out earning to provide.

You both are not really on the same page at all in your marriage. You think he has escaped his family's conditioning and expectations but he hasn't. They are still there just buried a bit deeper.

I don't know where you go from here because if you don't take the job you will always resent him for undermining your opportunity but if you take it I think he will make life as difficult as he can for you. I think this is a bit like the moment when people put their foot on an snow covered crevasse and realise that the solid ground is not solid but a gaping hole. You have deeper cracks in your marriage than you realised.

Yes, because you choose to be part of a unit, a couple.

You can't use the term partner if you aren't linked as a unit, thats what a partner is!

We don't call ourselves a "unit".

We are two individuals who choose to live together because we love each other.

We discuss things because we value each other's opinions, not because it is The Rules.

If either of us got a massive opportunity like this there would be no requirement to discuss it before deciding, because we both make our own choices and can trust each other to be considerate.

You can keep trying to define relationships so that they necessarily involve lack of freedom to live the kife you choose, but you will still just be talking about your own control issues.

I am not part of a unit either. We are a team (sort of) but we are individuals in our own right.

I would never expect the right of veto over DH's job opportunities and nor would I give him that right over me. We do have three DDs so in years past discussion would have revolved around working out paid for childcare options for them. Nothing else. If I had wanted to take a golden job opportunity I would simply have done so.

OP's DH seems to be blackmailing her over it and that is totally not on.

With that attitude I would not consult him on anything.

What I might do in OP's position now would be to say that I was taking the job now and might review the situation again in a couple of years.

Then I would take the job, get money together and very likely plan my escape from such a controlling arse.

We don't call ourselves a "unit".We are two individuals who choose to live together because we love each

You can choose whatever word you like, unit, couple, family, team, partnership, committed codependents...whatever.
But the effect is the same. You may be two individuals but if you are in a relationship there is an element of togetherness that comes with certain minimum requirements.

Would you have taken a "golden job opportunity" which would have impacted on aspects of family life without discussing the ins and outs of it first?

You can keep trying to define relationships so that they necessarily involve lack of freedom to live the kife you choose, but you will still just be talking about your own control issues

Nothing to do with control issues, and nothing to do with living the life you choose. If the the live you have chosen is intertwined with someone elses life , each of you owe the other certain considerations.

Are people really finding the need to argue that individuality is so essential that couples have no expectation of consideration, respect or even discussion?
That may work for you, but I doubt thats how you actually live. You've just taken a stance and are arguing it to the point of ridiculousness.

We don't need minimum requirements.

Just love and mutual respect.

You've just taken a stance and are arguing it to the point of ridiculousness.

You mean like the people havw a preference for talking things through with a non-controlling partner and shared children, who are advising a childfree woman from an abusive family, with a controlling husband who is trying to manipulate her into passing up an incredible opportunity she wants to take, that she was disrespectful of her husband to imagine that she had the same freedom of choice he takes for granted?

That kind of arguing to the point of ridiculousness?

Love and respect are minimum requirements for any healthy relationship - but they don't appear out of nowhere. They develop over time as a result of building your relationship through communication, working together and looking for ways to help each other achieve what they want to achieve.

SirChenjin, yes.

There have been many times in my life when any job opportunity would have been the most welcome thing ever. That has been my life experience so far and it has taught me to look out for myself rather than allow myself to be pushed around by anyone at all.

I absolutely would take such a golden job opportunity. No question at all.

Not 'such' a golden opportunity - you talked about simply taking 'a' golden job opportunity. I'm asking if that golden opportunity affected things like previously made plans, income, childcare, your partners hours, time spent together as a family, ability to do hobbies etc etc if you would just take it with no discussion with your partner first?

Yes, I would take it.

That is the lesson I took from some extremely painful episodes in my life that I have no particular wish to describe in detail or revisit ever again.

I must say, If he cannot cope with this little issue, How is he going to cope with the both Happy and Complete madness of a rollercoaster of a ride that Is raising children .

And N ot raising them to be meek and obedient. But to teach them resilience and love of life and freedom