to think I don't have to consult DH reg accepting a promotion?

[theramengirl]

Details slightly changed to avoid outing.

I have been asked by a government organization to act as its media representative. It came as a surprise to me, but not to my co-workers – seems that they always ‘knew I will go places’ (this quote is direct from the mouth of one). I was in a volunteer position so far. Now I will be in the forefront.

I will also be in the media a lot – giving interviews, opinions, taking part in talk shows etc. I will have to travel frequently, and will not be at home more often.

It IS a big honour, and something I feel is like a gift from the gods for all my hard work these years. I immediately accepted.

When I went home and told my husband, he said that I have been disrespectful to our marriage by not discussing with him about accepting such a different and full time responsibility in the organization.

My husband is generally a nice guy, but is from a culture which expects women to be seen and not heard (I am from the same culture too, but brought up by liberal parents – am very lucky that way). Initially there was great friction as he realised I was not going to be a 'homemaker' like his mother or sister, but we have worked around it. I own a business now, and we are now closer than ever (or so I thought!).

He is in a well-paying job and is very generous in sharing his money (for eg he helped out a cousin of mine when he was in financial difficulty, and didn’t even expect the money back). He also travels frequently, for weeks some time, due to the nature of his work. But I have always been there at home when he returns. Now the status with change.

He is upset now. I really didn’t think it would matter (it's not like we have any dependents), I thought he would be happy for me. He is, I think, but he is also acting like I have been massively insensitive.

AIBU to feel that I didn’t have to talk to him before accepting a promotion? Should I have told this government organization – "Thanks, but give me some time to give you an answer" – and then discussed with my husband about it all, and then given my acceptance?

Will be grateful for your thoughts.

Please take the job. You want the job, take the job and if he is worth staying married to, you will work through the details later.

It seems he has other plans for you, which he didn't view you as important enough to discuss with beforehand.

And didn't worry about you being there when he is away for weeks. He is just worried he will have to do some actual work at home. Shame on him.

your decision is not driving you apart.
you are already apart - it was just not as visible as you were 'compliant' so far.

As usual there are posters like piratefairy piling in without reading the thread and all updates, spouting dangerous bollocks.

My DH talked to me before accepting an assistant managers job and that didn't actually mean any change at all to our household (except from raised income)

So the OP should do something because your husband did? Whereas her husband doesn't?

Interesting. What else does your husband do that we should all follow suit with?

Take this once in a lifetime chance and live the life that will make you happy and fulfilled.

Ignore this weird thread full of controlling weirdos who are trying to justify their own need to control by advising you to be controlled by your husband.

Nobody who loved you and eanted what was best for you would be anything other than thrilled for you being offered this chance.

There is no reason not to take it.

None.

He is a controlling bully.

Your life and your choices come ahead of preservong a relationship with him.

A relationshio that can onle be preserved through acceding to being controlled and not living the life you want is not worth having.

If your married to someone I would presume you love them, care for their feelings and respect them and of course you would presume these feelings to be reciprocated.
I personally would care about the effect a huge change in career would make on our relationship and the existing dynamic between us and I would hate to think that something I did would make my husband unhappy, unsettled etc I also wouldn't like our relationship to change to much I like it as it is. So yes I would discuss this role with him, it's a fantastic opportunity but due to media coverage and working away would change the home life dynamic and could unsettle him, so at the very least I would discuss to allow any concerns of his to be addressed as I do care dearly about him and would hate to think he,s unhappy. If I weren't to discuss it would feel disrespectful to him and his opinions and feelings on us which he is quite entitled to have as he loves me, cares for me and will naturally want to be part of any big decisions I make.
To the poster who said that it doesn't matter the effect it has on him, why would you not be bothered about someone your supposed to love, why would you not want to address any of their concerns, what would that say about how you respect the people close to you in your life? It is not unreasonable to want a job like this, but it is selfish to do it not caring about the effects on those close to you, having made no attempt to address any concerns they have and reassure them. Would you not rather have their support?

A relationshio that can onle be preserved through acceding to being controlled and not living the life you want is not worth having

^This. With bells on.

That said, I would have discussed it with my husband, not because I'd expect him to be anything other than supportive, but because it's how our relationship works. And if it was important to me he'd tell me to grab it with both hands and we'd work the rest out together.

In the op's position where her dh makes unilateral decisions without discussion, yet expects to be able to approve any of her decisions, fuck that quite frankly.

Congratulations. And no, I don't think you needed your husband's approval. As you said, he doesn't ask for yours.

I know that my DH loves me enough to want me to grasp every opportunity that comes my way.

And I him.

Neither of us is so childish or insecure that we would be upset at the other being offered and amazing chance.

We would both be thrillee for the other.

We are in each other's corners.

Not fearful that anything might chsnge our fragile relationship, but confident in that relationship and in our love for each other.

If the person you call a partner get a life-defining opportunity and your reaction is fear for yourself and a wish for them not to take it, then you don't love them the way a person deserves to be loved - selflessly.

The very idea that DH would get a chance like this and I woukd stand in his way appals me.

I would be ashamed to be that kind of stultifying spouse.

This is a woman being limited and controlled by a bully.

Anyone coming on to defend his right to do that shoukd take a long hard look at themselves.

Themore has also failed to read the thread.

Oh and OP, I hope you can see that the "favour" he is asking is non-equivalent.

His parents issued an ultimatum and you asked him to pick you.

In this case, he has issued the ultimatum.

It is very manipulative to issue an ultimatum and then try to emotionally bksckmsil you by pretending it is like the external ultimatum he was issued.

Well, what fabulous timing, ramen.

Now that you have been offered a full time job, he is more free to take on a smaller role at work, and can be the main career for those foster children he wants so much to take on!

*main carer

It seems he has other plans for you, which he didn't view you as important enough to discuss with beforehand.

Sorry, posted too soon. I meant to say "^^ this"

I chose you over my parents. I want you to chose us/our live over your new job/career

There you go.
You didn't force him to choose between his parents and you. They did. He chose what he wanted to be his own future, for himself. It wasn't a favour to you. And if choosing to stay with you is seen as a favour, then it's one I wouldn't want.

He won't respect your decision, though. He said it will drive you apart.

I'm afraid I'll predict he will undermine your new role and anything further. These men (people) follow very similar scripts.

As others pointed out, be extra careful with contraception and don't let him undermine you. He will be driving you apart, not you.

I think, when you talk about him with this on Sunday, you need to be really careful about how the discussion is framed. He clearly wants to make this a choice between your job offer and him/children - but that isn't fair.

You can be married and have a job that involves a lot of travel - as he knows well, because he does.

You can have children and have a job that involves a lot of travel - as he also knows well, because he was planning this for himself.

So, really, this choice that he's trying to make you make is artificial and basically invented by him.

I would try and reframe the conversation completely - I would point out that nothing is final/forever, you can take this job for now and re-evaluate how it works with your family life in the future, if you decide to have children and/or foster children, you can both look at your working commitments and whether or not they work or need adjusting. And I'd try appealing a bit to his better nature - telling him how sad you are that he's not supporting you in something that means a lot to you, ask him how he'd feel if you responded to him getting a promotion like this.

I was one of the ones who said that I thought you should have had a conversation about it and I stand by that - because now you've had the conversation you know exactly where you stand and you can start to plan your next move. Good luck in your new job - it sounds amazing

Normally I would say that I would discuss this with my partner before accepting - although I would probably have excitedly said "Oh fantastic, thanks very much thats a great opportunity. Will you let me have something in writing so I can see the details". Not particularly because they have the right to say "No" but just because I would naturally discuss stuff of this type with a live in partner.

But I can see that as he hasn't ever consulted you about changes to his job, you aren't in that kind of relationship and if that works for you both then that's fine (in both directions!).

I think it's perfectly possible that he genuinely does now want to consider fostering at this point (though the timing seems somewhat suspicious!) and he may also have rethought the age range he'd like to consider (though again somewhat suspiciously given the timing). But these things are not in fact linked. You can take the job you're so excited by AND plan to become a foster carer. It isn't a choice of one or the other, you can make plans to be a foster carer and get on with living your life as you choose at the same time.

I don't think you sound like you're interested in younger children at all so whether you take this job or not, that isn't going to change is it? It's a red herring.

It doesn't look great I'm afraid even in the best scenario - that he really was about to discuss fostering with you this weekend and he was caught on the hop when you announced your job.

So you are either living with a man who has different goals to you and would quite happily see you miss out on your dream job in order to fulfill his idea of family life. Or he is a controlling bastard who wants you at home looking after him and doesn't want to feel threatened by the fact you might have a successful fulfilling career.

So what would he say to this...

"I am not ready to foster now and I don't want to consider children younger than XXX, that will not change whether I take this job or not."

Take the fostering off the table and see if he really does object to you doing this job.

I suspect he does.

Regarding fostering, as he wants the children, and he wants younger children, tell him that you'll be happy to when he finds a position where he reduces his travel and work load.
He is the one who wants it and should work and benefit from it.
When he does it, then you may look into reducing your work load and your travel time.

It should be joint responsibility, not fall on your shoulders and for you to make all the sacrifices.

He should be happy for you. He shouldn't be emotionally blackmailing you in order to get something he wants. That's a major red flag, OP. It doesn't seem to me that he respects you as an individual, or your career and ambitions.

I agree with pp who said that it's good you have talked. You now know his intentions re the marriage and you have a choice to make regarding that.

PMSL at someone being horrified at discussing things with your husband. In our house that's what's called a relationships.

Having someone's opinion on something doesn't make it asking for consent. It's a discussion. What comes out of that discussion is what needs working on.

And yes, I have read the thread.

YANBU. You dont have children and I think that makes all the difference. He wont be taking on extra work because of your extra work. Its nice to dscuss things first, but I dont think its bad that you didnt.

he said that I have been disrespectful to our marriage by not discussing with him about accepting such a different and full time responsibility in the organization

Well he's right on that particular point, in a good marriage you discuss this kind of thing with your partner. But it doesn't sound like you have a good marriage and I think you have way bigger problems than your new job.

I'm horrified at having to discuss yoyr life choices with your owner before you are allowed to make them.

That is really fucking weird.

Choosing to discuss decisions you are free to make by yourself because nobody owns you is not the same as it veing compulsory to consult someine else before you make choices ab5oyt your own life.