Details slightly changed to avoid outing.
I have been asked by a government organization to act as its media representative. It came as a surprise to me, but not to my co-workers – seems that they always ‘knew I will go places’ (this quote is direct from the mouth of one). I was in a volunteer position so far. Now I will be in the forefront.
I will also be in the media a lot – giving interviews, opinions, taking part in talk shows etc. I will have to travel frequently, and will not be at home more often.
It IS a big honour, and something I feel is like a gift from the gods for all my hard work these years. I immediately accepted.
When I went home and told my husband, he said that I have been disrespectful to our marriage by not discussing with him about accepting such a different and full time responsibility in the organization.
My husband is generally a nice guy, but is from a culture which expects women to be seen and not heard (I am from the same culture too, but brought up by liberal parents – am very lucky that way). Initially there was great friction as he realised I was not going to be a 'homemaker' like his mother or sister, but we have worked around it. I own a business now, and we are now closer than ever (or so I thought!).
He is in a well-paying job and is very generous in sharing his money (for eg he helped out a cousin of mine when he was in financial difficulty, and didn’t even expect the money back). He also travels frequently, for weeks some time, due to the nature of his work. But I have always been there at home when he returns. Now the status with change.
He is upset now. I really didn’t think it would matter (it's not like we have any dependents), I thought he would be happy for me. He is, I think, but he is also acting like I have been massively insensitive.
AIBU to feel that I didn’t have to talk to him before accepting a promotion? Should I have told this government organization – "Thanks, but give me some time to give you an answer" – and then discussed with my husband about it all, and then given my acceptance?
Will be grateful for your thoughts.
AIBU?
to think I don't have to consult DH reg accepting a promotion?
theramengirl · 19/10/2016 12:30
Very pleased you've decided to take the job, I think it's absolutely the right thing for you.
Don't know how your DH is going to feel about it, especially when he realises you won't be moved on this - but I think his reaction at that point is going to tell you pretty much all you need to know about how the rest of your marriage is going to go.
Good luck, Theramen - the job sounds amazing and I'm sure you'll do it brilliantly 
Because once I became a media person I will only aim higher and higher and will not really care about having a family (??!!), because of the way I am - ambitious and ruthless (wtf?
He's using emotional manipulation to try and control you. He has broken away from his parents controlling natures but he doesn't see that in himself - yet.
He's reverting back to stereotype so his ego can feel better. He doesn't want you 'working'. He'd rather you did something that keeps you at home, catering to his needs and putting him first. He probably viewed your freelancing as a 'hobby' and not real work.
Why has he never done anything about his frequent travelling if 'spending time together' was so important to him?
Plus i think there's also some jealousy there on his part - you're 'outshining' him professionally as he sees it and his macho ego can't handle it.
His ego also doesn't like competing for attention. If he can't handle you working how is he going to handle having a foster child? Cos you know - you still won't be able to give him ALL your attention and time.
He's acting like a petulant brat.
Also, dropping the fostering comment in was another attempt at manipulation. He hasn't thought about how he's going to spend more time at home in the future - but he was seriously considering taking on the responsibility of a child? 
He's shown a very ugly side of his nature, OP. No matter all the good he's done - he should not be emotionally manipulating or blackmailing you! Calling in a 'favour' - ffs! What - he wants your permission to call the shots in your life?
He's got some growing up to do if he wants to be a foster parent.
theramengirl I am really pleased you are taking the job.
I've tried to read several comments but not all.
I am curious why your husband is interested in fostering and not adoption, I also think it is worth noting that children who come through the care system may have mental health issues, I think one in three of us does anyway, and caring for a child with issues can put a strain on any issues we have ourselves. So you and your husband will need to be in a 'good place' to take on that challenge.
It also sounds like your 'not talking to him before making the decision' was really not based on not thinking about consulting him, as in not caring what he thought or simply overlooking him; but rather being aware he would not 'approve' and not wanting to have to deal with that disapproval. Even that fact, to me, means you really are not in a position to consider fostering at this time. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. Children really can drive a couple apart. It is easy to think that a child will unite a couple but actually I think the strains of parenting in any circumstances can put additional strain on a marriage.
I was coming back from yesterday to say that fostering isn't something you can get into quite as easily as wanting to do it, and then doing it. Which I am quite sure you know but I wonder if your husband has realized there may be a time gap between wanting to do it, and doing it.
We adopted a few years ago and between the time we talked to a social worker about it seriously (which was quite a few months after we went to an open evening about it, and several years after first talking to each other a lot about it) there was a gap of 20 months. I am not sure how long it takes to get approved as a foster carer, I would imagine it is quite a bit less than for adoption, but still a period of time of selection and preparation. So you could work at your job for a period of time and if you want to pursue fostering, you can do so together.
We also have a birth child and parenting together has been a wonderful thing for our marriage, with both our kids, but I think the fact we both wanted to do so has been key. It sounds like you and your husband are not on the same page about these things and that really is key (in my humble opinion). 
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Good for you! Sounds like you absolutely have your thoughts together and are approaching it the right way - and congratulations again on your fantastic new role 
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