to think I don't have to consult DH reg accepting a promotion?

[theramengirl]

Details slightly changed to avoid outing.

I have been asked by a government organization to act as its media representative. It came as a surprise to me, but not to my co-workers – seems that they always ‘knew I will go places’ (this quote is direct from the mouth of one). I was in a volunteer position so far. Now I will be in the forefront.

I will also be in the media a lot – giving interviews, opinions, taking part in talk shows etc. I will have to travel frequently, and will not be at home more often.

It IS a big honour, and something I feel is like a gift from the gods for all my hard work these years. I immediately accepted.

When I went home and told my husband, he said that I have been disrespectful to our marriage by not discussing with him about accepting such a different and full time responsibility in the organization.

My husband is generally a nice guy, but is from a culture which expects women to be seen and not heard (I am from the same culture too, but brought up by liberal parents – am very lucky that way). Initially there was great friction as he realised I was not going to be a 'homemaker' like his mother or sister, but we have worked around it. I own a business now, and we are now closer than ever (or so I thought!).

He is in a well-paying job and is very generous in sharing his money (for eg he helped out a cousin of mine when he was in financial difficulty, and didn’t even expect the money back). He also travels frequently, for weeks some time, due to the nature of his work. But I have always been there at home when he returns. Now the status with change.

He is upset now. I really didn’t think it would matter (it's not like we have any dependents), I thought he would be happy for me. He is, I think, but he is also acting like I have been massively insensitive.

AIBU to feel that I didn’t have to talk to him before accepting a promotion? Should I have told this government organization – "Thanks, but give me some time to give you an answer" – and then discussed with my husband about it all, and then given my acceptance?

Will be grateful for your thoughts.

[ImperialBlether]

The thing that jumps out at me here is that your husband travels and basically does whatever he wants to do with his job, but expects you to sit at home alone for yours?

You were offered the job and jumped at the chance. I would have phoned my husband (if possible) immediately after with the good news, but would have expected him to be thrilled. I certainly wouldn't have said, "I can't accept until I've spoken to my husband." Obviously that would be the case if the job was based in another country or if I had children, because of the childcare implications, but as it is, with you not having children and with him off abroad a lot, no way would I have hesitated.

[Notonthestairs]

Its not just a promotion is it? Its a career changing opportunity.

If you had children and it required different childcare or you needed to move house or whatever then I would expect a conversation first. But here, where his life will continue as before, then no, I'd ring and expect wild applause!

Congratulations BTW - you are clearly doing an amazing job at whatever it is you do!

[SirChenjin]

It might carry on as before, but their plans to foster will have to be put on hold. Surely that's worthy of a conversation at least?

[Lweji]

As the husband travels quite a lot, responsibility for fostering would fall on the wife. That means she gets to decide whether to foster or to get on with her career.
Unless he'd be willing to give up his own commitments to make it equal.

[Thatwaslulu]

I read this to my DH to gauge his reaction. I am the main earner in our family - he works full time but I earn double what he does. He was incredulous that your husband would be upset by this. I recently was offered a new role which involves travelling three times a week, and I did tell him about it before accepting but only because I wasn't sure it was right for me - I didn't consult him, just discussed what it would mean for me and then decided independently to accept it. Ifor he came home tonight and said he had been offered the chance of a lifetime I would congratulate him and open the bubbly, I wouldn't expect him to have to ask permission!

[SirChenjin]

That's right - and the decision to foster was made on the basis that the OP was at home and therefore they were able to apply. Now that she won't be at home their ability to foster will be severely curtailed, if indeed they will be able to proceed at all - so a conversation about whether or not it can be facilitated in some other way (him changing his hours might be one) or whether they shelve the plans for the time being doesn't seem at all unreasonable.

I can't imagine being in a partnership where you wouldn't have that conversation.

[WildDigestive]

Exactly what Topseyt said. Pre- DS, it would never have occurred to either of us to discuss promotions in anything other than a 'Congratulate me!' way. Now it would only be up for discussion because of childcare falling more heavily on the other partner. As the OP and her DH are child-free, this is irrelevant. His only role is to help her celebrate.

[Lweji]

But did he when he started travelling?

[SirChenjin]

I have no idea! The OP would have to confirm whether their fostering conversation took place before or after he started travelling - as I said, I can't imagine being in a partnership where that conversation didn't take place, or indeed a conversation about any other life changes which would impact on previously agreed plans.

[BowieFan]

I do think it's something you should consult him about.

I mean, I'm a union rep and have represented my union on TV. I discussed this with DP first though. Why? Because DP didn't know about that before we got together (neither did I) he's a very private man and I was going to become a very public person very suddenly. He was fine with it, but I think to just accept it would've been disrespectful to our relationship.

You don't have to get your husband's permission, but you should at least talk about it.

[DoinItFine]

so a conversation about whether or not it can be facilitated in some other way (him changing his hours might be one) or whether they shelve the plans for the time being doesn't seem at all unreasonable.

Indeed not.

However that conversation can happen after her unilateral acceptance of her opportunity.

She wants this chance and it is hers to take. At the time and manner of her choosing.

Nobody else needs to be consulted in advance.

[SirChenjin]

That's not the way my partnership works thankfully. If one of us is offered an opportunity which impacts on previously made and agreed plans we have a conversation about it. That's not to say that we ask permission but we certainly discuss whether those plans are on hold, or whether we need to change existing arrangements or whether we need to look for some other solution. I can't imagine either of us taking on something major and then announcing that the really important thing we agreed to on the basis of our current situation no longer exists, end of. Just wouldn't happen.

[DoinItFine]

But it would and does happen in this relationship.

It's also kind of grim that you would force someone to have a "conversation" before they could oull out if an arrangement that benefitted you at their expense.

Less partnership than exploitative domestic arrangement.

No less nasty for being extremely common.

Like the men who think they get a say on whether "their" SAHM is allowed to take a job.

It's pretty scummy that we have a thread with a woman from a misogynist culture with a husband who has given her grief for choosing to work and she is being told that it is "disrespectful" not to have given him a say on the biggest opportunity of her life. That he wants her to turn down.

Slow hand clap MN.

Men have important jobs that mean they are excuses from all domestic chores and basic kindness.

Women must run their plans past men. Even just so the man doesn't feel sad when back from his latest business trip. (No, of course he doesn't consult her. Don't be silly. He has a n impirtant man job. Not like this silly noodling about she is doing to distract her from being a loyal companion and domestic servant.)

[SirChenjin]

We are so far apart on our take on this that we'll have to agree to disagree massively.

[DoinItFine]

Weird to "disagree massively" that the most important thing is that this very talented woman should take this wonderful opportunity despite her controlling husbandcand abusive background.

[Dontpanicpyke]

Well as posted upthread of course a partnership is about talking through issues together and I am quite surprised the op was happy her dh didn't discuss job changes with her just as I am she didn't discuss her offer with him.

What a strange relationship where 2 people don't discuss such big issues and listen to each other's opinion and concerns or indeed support and encouragement.

Those who wouldn't do this arnt really in a relationship in my view.

Still in this case op I think you didn't tell him precisly because you knew he wouldn't approve , and he doesn't and won't approve because deep down he agrees with his parents.

I think you have a rocky road ahead.

[DoinItFine]

You can discuss things fully after the free adult has chosen to take the amazing opportunity.

What kind of shitty relationship requires discussion before people can make choices?6

[SirChenjin]

As I said Fine our take on the OP is obviously very different.

[BuggersMuddle]

I can see both sides, although in your case I think YANBU because he is expecting a courtesy he doesn't afford you.

In my relationship we would and do expect to discuss these things. We don't have children but we do have a shared view of what we want our lives to look like. Of course we would discuss a career change that was likely to have significant impact on that (in fact have done so recently). We also value each other's opinion on these things.

I appreciate children change the dynamics of this type of discussion hugely, but would still expect some kind of discussion on changes which could carry risks or have significant impact in my relationship.

That's me though and fortunately DP is on the same page. I appreciate not every couple works like that.

[FlabulousChic]

Sorry if you have been volunteering are you now going to be in a paid job?

[DropZoneOne]

I recently had the opportunity to apply for a new role that would impact on my home life. I spoke to my husband about it, he knew how much it would mean to me and fully supported my application. When I was offered, I called him to let him know and to check it was still ok. Not seeking his approval but certainly support. And I'd expect him to talk to me about major changes too.

[DoinItFine]

So now imagine that when you "phoned to check it was OK" your owner husband said no.

Despite you having no children and him travelling extensively with work, he expected you to turn down the amazing opportunity because he wanted you at home all the time.

Also imagine that your husband basically thinks you have no business having a job and should devote your entire life to his comfort.

Then imagine that you come to MN to ask whether youbshoukd take the opportunity and have lots of women tell you that your husband shoukd get a say over any chsnges in your lufe thst impact him in the slightest.

[nooka]

I can see why there might be issues in the OP's relationship that mean that she didn't think to discuss her opportunity with her dh, and it is concerning that he hasn't been supportive when told the news. However given what she said in her OP it doesn't seem too surprising, hopefully he just needs some time to adjust.

In my own relationship I would be extremely unhappy if my dh made a big decision without discussing it with me, and I am not his owner. I am however his partner and I expect to be a part of his decision making. In fact he has been looking at jobs that involve being away from home and we have discussed the possible benefits and impacts at some length. He'll make the final decision, as have I on previous job opportunities.

[DoinItFine]

I expect to be a part of his decision making

How is that expectation anything to do with a partnership of equals thatvare still individuals.

You expect a say on how he lives his life (beyond how it affects joint children).

What does that involve?

What if he wants to pursue something you would prefer he didn't do because you woukd find it socially embarrassing?

You insist on being part of his decision making.

Why can't he decide things on his own?

How weird and stifling.

Don't you trust him to make good decisions?

[HillaryFTW]

Both DH and I would discuss a decision like this.