to think I don't have to consult DH reg accepting a promotion?

[theramengirl]

Details slightly changed to avoid outing.

I have been asked by a government organization to act as its media representative. It came as a surprise to me, but not to my co-workers – seems that they always ‘knew I will go places’ (this quote is direct from the mouth of one). I was in a volunteer position so far. Now I will be in the forefront.

I will also be in the media a lot – giving interviews, opinions, taking part in talk shows etc. I will have to travel frequently, and will not be at home more often.

It IS a big honour, and something I feel is like a gift from the gods for all my hard work these years. I immediately accepted.

When I went home and told my husband, he said that I have been disrespectful to our marriage by not discussing with him about accepting such a different and full time responsibility in the organization.

My husband is generally a nice guy, but is from a culture which expects women to be seen and not heard (I am from the same culture too, but brought up by liberal parents – am very lucky that way). Initially there was great friction as he realised I was not going to be a 'homemaker' like his mother or sister, but we have worked around it. I own a business now, and we are now closer than ever (or so I thought!).

He is in a well-paying job and is very generous in sharing his money (for eg he helped out a cousin of mine when he was in financial difficulty, and didn’t even expect the money back). He also travels frequently, for weeks some time, due to the nature of his work. But I have always been there at home when he returns. Now the status with change.

He is upset now. I really didn’t think it would matter (it's not like we have any dependents), I thought he would be happy for me. He is, I think, but he is also acting like I have been massively insensitive.

AIBU to feel that I didn’t have to talk to him before accepting a promotion? Should I have told this government organization – "Thanks, but give me some time to give you an answer" – and then discussed with my husband about it all, and then given my acceptance?

Will be grateful for your thoughts.

[CreativeBee]

It sounds to me like you're very much in love and have fought quite hard to be together. Personally I always discuss job opportunities or work related issues with DH but he reciprocates it and we do have 2 DC. However, you did accept the job change/promotion without asking him and imo it's no longer about who is BU but what is the next step. You could sit down and talk to him and as you said in your earlier post I am more worried about his feeling, explain to him how excited you were to be offered such a fantastic opportunity, tell him you now understand how he feels (if you don't ask him) and that you can now discuss it as you haven't signed a contract yet.
I think it's most probably a shock to him, I know it would be to me but congratulations on the new job!

[Dontpanicpyke]

Doin what kind of 'shitty relationship' has to refer to one of a couple as the 'free adult'

Wierd.

[HelenaDove]

How did it go at dinner OP.

[OlennasWimple]

OP, there are very few employers who would offer a new, very different role and expect a response on the spot. It's really OK - for any reason, including discussing it with your partner - to ask for a bit of time to think about it and be clear before accepting it that you will be able to fulfill all the requirements of the role.

I know it's too late for this instance, but it's something to bear in mind for the future - especially if you are doing media, where you will be pressed hard to respond to difficult questions. Learn a good deflecting / stalling technique!

[theramengirl]

Okay. Update.

He does not want me to accept the new role in the organisation. He feels it will ultimately drive us apart. Because once I became a media person I will only aim higher and higher and will not really care about having a family (??!!), because of the way I am - ambitious and ruthless (wtf?)

Apparently he was planning to talk to me this weekend about being ready to bring a child into our house, in fact a child younger than we had been discussing about. I have always been frank about my lack of interest in having biological kids, he has always known that, even when we were dating. And I had agreed fostering older kids only (10+ years old).

He says he really wants kids but so far didn’t dare to have biological kids because of the mental health issues running in the family. But he is now ready to start applying for fostering – I always knew he loved kids, as opposed me just enjoying their company – and he cannot believe I am so blasé about our fostering plans, that I blithely accepted this promotion without giving a thought to it.

He says he is not going to demand or tell me what to do. And then he called in the favour! He is calling in the favour. He said, “I chose you over my parents. I want you to chose us/our live over your new job/career. But of course - it's entirely your decision. I will respect whatever you decide.”

(This is almost verbatim of what I told him two years back – that I wanted him to choose me, because I am his future, not his parents, but that I'll never force him to choose me, he has to take the decision on his own)

I tend to clean when I am in shock/anger so the closet looks great now. Can't say the same about the state of my mind. And I was just thinking that things were finally going so alright in our lives…

He is 40, is this a mid life crisis??

[theramengirl]

Somebody had written about how people raised in a controlling environment can never let go of control and how their parents may speak from their subconscious. It was very chilling to read it. I am really feeling rotten, as some one said, at the rocky road ahead. I really thought I had all this - expectations, control/cultural issues, what I want vs what I ought to do etc - behind us.

He was not loud or passive aggressive or even persuasive/cajoling. He spoke very softly. Spooked me a bit, to be honest.

Feeling exhausted. I just read all responses. I know I have to handle this carefully, as someone else had said. I did tell my husband how much I would love this new role, and I also told him that I need some time to think. We have decided not to talk about it until sunday.

Thanks again, everyone. Good night.

[HelenaDove]

OP DOUBLE UP ON YOUR CONTRACEPTION. I do not like the sound of this man.


And re. fostering..........hes hoping the younger the child the more likely you will be "tied to the kitchen sink"

He sounds more like his parents than he cares to admit.


Im childfree by choice too and a man like this would scare me.

[TotallyOuting]

is this a mid life crisis??

No. This is a crisis of control.

If he wants kids and you don't, he can have them and facilitate their care himself. In or out of this relationship. He does not get to decide your life for you.

because of the way I am - ambitious and ruthless (wtf?)

This is an attack on your identity and self-esteem. Do not believe a fucking word of it.

He was not loud or passive aggressive or even persuasive/cajoling. He spoke very softly. Spooked me a bit, to be honest.

Is this because he is used to calling the shots? Certain of getting you to do what he decrees eventually? Or is he aware of the need to use a softly, softly approach? Either way, you can bet your arse he's not going to stick to this tactic if you 'defy' him.

[TotallyOuting]

Also I suspect he thinks that the age group you were looking at re. fostering would have come with an expectation of you both being able to somehow work your new job into the picture. Suggesting a younger age takes this off the table.

[Sprinklestar]

Sorry, OP, but he sounds like a prize control freak and you'd be well rid. What a coincidence! He suddenly wants to foster now you've been offered a big break. Or not... Your job won't drive a wedge between you, but his archaic attitudes will. So - he chose you. As would any man in UK culture. He didn't give up money to be with you. His parents, rather nastily, tried to bribe him and he didn't take that. His choice. You don't need to be eternally grateful. Take the job, save some cash and when you need to leave him, you'll be able to. This won't end well.

[Topseyt]

HelenaDove is right there.

This man is very very controlling. He isn't free of the shackles of his parents, if in fact he ever intended to be.

I am honestly horrified at those saying you should have discussed it with him. I always thought that it was likely he would lean on you to back out of taking this golden job opportunity. I said so in my previous post.

Now he is trying blackmail. He is cold, calculating and controlling. He wants you under his thumb, shackled to the kitchen sink and needing to ask his permission for everything.

Seize this job opportunity with both hands now and RUN LIKE THE WIND. Don't wait until Sunday to tell him you are doing it. What's so special about Sunday other than that he maybe hopes that waiting will grind you down enough to follow his orders??

I hope those who said you were being unreasonable see this now.

I wouldn't consult him over what to have for dinner, never mind this.

Don't do something now that you know you will seriously regret forever. I am worried he will lean on you to do exactly that. I think you are too. Stay strong.

[UptownFlunk]

This marriage sounds like bloody hard work to me, marriage is supposed to make you happy. I think you want to take the job and if I were you I'd grab it with both hands. You don't want to foster younger children - do you really want to foster at all or is this a compromise because you don't want your own children and you think that deep down he does? I think it's very telling that as soon as you are offered this great opportunity he is trying to weigh you down with his expectations and wants. This is not love. Take the job, it's what you want.

[Italiangreyhound]

theramengirl congratulations on the great opportunity.

Personally, I would discuss with DH but whenever work took me away from home, but then we have dependent children and SH always runs past me any time he will need to do anything different. He has never said no to my doing stuff nor have I said it to him.

theramengirl re "Just to make it clear, he has never discussed with me about his job. He goes where he takes him, whenever he is needed (usually once a month). He just lets me know a day earlier, if I am lucky, two days early!"

If he does not feel the need to discuss any job details with you, why does he feel you should discuss these things with him.

I am guessing you were just so excited to offered this opportnity that you jumped at it.

Are you sure that this is the whole issue and the past (the issue with his parents) isn't part of this? EG he thinks having given up so much for you (his family) that you should not be doing XYZ?

Re "He is in a well-paying job and is very generous in sharing his money"

It's your money too, that's what marriage is about isn't it - sharing.

If he is so upset about life in some ways, would some counselling help?

[HelenaDove]

And FGS dont just rely on condoms when it comes to sex. He could prick a hole in them.

I really think reproductive coercion is something he could try.

[HelenaDove]

And congrats on the job offer. It sounds amazing.


TAKE IT

[Topseyt]

Italiangreyhound, read the thread and the OP's latest update!!

Dangerous advice there. He is already trying to blackmail her into not taking the job and now suddenly wants to start fostering much younger children than originally discussed anyway.

He means for the OP to do the fostering of course, not for his life or career to be disturbed in any way.

[HelenaDove]

Joint counselling is not recommended in a situation like this.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

OK - he doesn't want you to take the job because it will affect the future of the family he expected to have.
You are not on the same page when it comes to children, clearly.
You might have thought you were, but you're not.

In one respect, I can understand that he is disappointed to see that his hopes of a foster family will be rather changed/dashed by your new role; in another, it does just show that he fully expected YOU to be primary caregiver and do all the flexibility in terms of childcare etc.

Was this your plan too? Were you aware that bringing a foster child into your family would have meant you giving up your career dreams? Or were you expecting a rather different set-up?

I think you've both been travelling under a fair amount of misapprehension of what the other expects from this relationship, and you need to talk openly, honestly, bare-heartedly and cards on the table, NOW.

Totally get that you want this job, and if you want it, you should be able to take it. BUT you need to both agree that it can work AND you still be able to foster the children that your DH clearly wants (more than you do) - and if you can't find a way to make that work, then something has to give, and it's not going to be your DH's job (not saying it COULDN'T or SHOULDN'T be, just that it's not likely under current circs) so it's more likely to be either your job or your marriage.

I absolutely am NOT saying that you should just give in and do what he wants, absolutely not. Just look at the practicalities of how you can both get what you want for your family - and if it doesn't work out, then someone's job has to be re-prioritised. ASK him if he's prepared to change his working pattern/job - at least give him the chance. And if he's not - well then, your choice is going to be your family or your job.

Yes, it's blackmail - but he's also looking at the dooming of his hopes for children/family - so often we say "what if this were the other way round" and people would tell women that if they truly want children, and their partner isn't prepared to accommodate that wish, then they need to leave and find someone who IS prepared to have children with them.

[TheMaddHugger]

OP, he really didn't do a big huge sacrifice of choosing you over his parents. He, like his parents, need to control others. He would have cut off his parents anyway as he didn't want them to control Him .

He believes this is His turn to 'take charge'

Congrats on the Job. Take it and Run.

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) theramengirl

[TheMaddHugger]

Oh and theramengirl

he isn't being kind in giving you however much money you ask for.
Dammit, Its YOUR money too.

it's not just His money.

Im not saying this well. Someone help me out here

[saintagur]

I regret that I think your DH is right, that if you take this job, it will drive you apart. He will find someone else who shares the same life goals as he does - basically he wants someone who wants children and whom his family will approve of.

It doesn't make him a bad person and it was clearly a huge sacrifice for him to split with his parents over you, but he still mourns the relationship and I think that, at some level, he resents you for it. I also think that, deep down, you know this and you also knew what his reaction would be to your job offer, which is why you didn't tell him before accepting.

So do I think you should have accepted the job? Hell, yes!!

Congratulations and good luck!

[OliviaBenson]

Blimey.

I also think he has landed this fostering thing on you now as a measure of control. Is he expecting you to give up work completely to do it?

Also, there is so much to go through before you actually start fostering, it can take a long time.

We are child free by choice- something like this would knock me sideways.

Did you ask him why he gets to make decisions about his career himself but you can't?

How do you feel about what he said?

[PirateFairy45]

You should have spoken to him.

It's a massive change and you should have discussed it with your DH.

My DH talked to me before accepting an assistant managers job and that didn't actually mean any change at all to our household (except from raised income).

You are totally in the wrong here. No wonder he's upset.

[HillaryFTW]

You could do the job for a year, thenre evaluate where you are on the kids point and what it might mean for BOTH your jobs.

Abd agree, watch your contraception.

[CheddarGorgeous]

Congratulations. And no, I don't think you needed your husband's approval. As you said, he doesn't ask for yours.