to think I don't have to consult DH reg accepting a promotion?

[theramengirl]

Details slightly changed to avoid outing.

I have been asked by a government organization to act as its media representative. It came as a surprise to me, but not to my co-workers – seems that they always ‘knew I will go places’ (this quote is direct from the mouth of one). I was in a volunteer position so far. Now I will be in the forefront.

I will also be in the media a lot – giving interviews, opinions, taking part in talk shows etc. I will have to travel frequently, and will not be at home more often.

It IS a big honour, and something I feel is like a gift from the gods for all my hard work these years. I immediately accepted.

When I went home and told my husband, he said that I have been disrespectful to our marriage by not discussing with him about accepting such a different and full time responsibility in the organization.

My husband is generally a nice guy, but is from a culture which expects women to be seen and not heard (I am from the same culture too, but brought up by liberal parents – am very lucky that way). Initially there was great friction as he realised I was not going to be a 'homemaker' like his mother or sister, but we have worked around it. I own a business now, and we are now closer than ever (or so I thought!).

He is in a well-paying job and is very generous in sharing his money (for eg he helped out a cousin of mine when he was in financial difficulty, and didn’t even expect the money back). He also travels frequently, for weeks some time, due to the nature of his work. But I have always been there at home when he returns. Now the status with change.

He is upset now. I really didn’t think it would matter (it's not like we have any dependents), I thought he would be happy for me. He is, I think, but he is also acting like I have been massively insensitive.

AIBU to feel that I didn’t have to talk to him before accepting a promotion? Should I have told this government organization – "Thanks, but give me some time to give you an answer" – and then discussed with my husband about it all, and then given my acceptance?

Will be grateful for your thoughts.

[DontMindMe1]

Because once I became a media person I will only aim higher and higher and will not really care about having a family (??!!), because of the way I am - ambitious and ruthless (wtf?

He's using emotional manipulation to try and control you. He has broken away from his parents controlling natures but he doesn't see that in himself - yet.

He's reverting back to stereotype so his ego can feel better. He doesn't want you 'working'. He'd rather you did something that keeps you at home, catering to his needs and putting him first. He probably viewed your freelancing as a 'hobby' and not real work.
Why has he never done anything about his frequent travelling if 'spending time together' was so important to him?

Plus i think there's also some jealousy there on his part - you're 'outshining' him professionally as he sees it and his macho ego can't handle it.
His ego also doesn't like competing for attention. If he can't handle you working how is he going to handle having a foster child? Cos you know - you still won't be able to give him ALL your attention and time.
He's acting like a petulant brat.

Also, dropping the fostering comment in was another attempt at manipulation. He hasn't thought about how he's going to spend more time at home in the future - but he was seriously considering taking on the responsibility of a child?

He's shown a very ugly side of his nature, OP. No matter all the good he's done - he should not be emotionally manipulating or blackmailing you! Calling in a 'favour' - ffs! What - he wants your permission to call the shots in your life?

He's got some growing up to do if he wants to be a foster parent.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Very pleased you've decided to take the job, I think it's absolutely the right thing for you.
Don't know how your DH is going to feel about it, especially when he realises you won't be moved on this - but I think his reaction at that point is going to tell you pretty much all you need to know about how the rest of your marriage is going to go.

Good luck, Theramen - the job sounds amazing and I'm sure you'll do it brilliantly

[JustWoman]

I can't add anything others have not.

If not seeing each other on evenings is bothering him to the point he doesn't want you to work, then I assume he's happy to give up his job too?

His being away is ok, and it can't have bothered him how you'd feel or he would have discussed it with you, but you can't possibly be away at all because he'll be on is own and spending time together is important plus fostering etc? I'm sorry but he thinks he and his wishes comes first without giving much consideration to yours.

You taking this job doesn't mean fostering can't happen either. (If that is what you want). He could reduce his own hours to be in the home more for example, or he could be the stahp while you earn the money. He should be willing to do what he's expecting you to do if he truly does think it's a reasonable suggestion.

His suggesting a younger child just as you've been offered this job makes me think it's because you'd be more tied to the home, an older child, you could still work, a younger child you couldn't. If he is seeing it this way it shows again that he's assuming you will be doing all the childcare etc without asking you first. You'd be dependant on him for money too and the cynical part of me thinks he actually knows this and is what he wants.

He's been your equal up to now because you've done as he wished, you've been where he wanted you to be and he probably thought your freelancing was just a little hobby to keep you busy while he had the real job. The fact he thinks you should have asked permission from him, but that he doesn't need yours shows on some level he thinks he's superior to you and in charge of your lives together.

I'd take this job no matter what. If you don't, you will regret it. I know you say he said he will respect your choice, but the manipulative language he is using makes me think he won't. He will sulk and strop and maybe resent you going against his wishes. If you don't take it, you'll resent him. I think it has potential to go wrong either way now, but in taking that job, you have your own security should it do so.

Your happiness should be as important as his.

[JustWoman]

I'd also be offended at the calling in a favour. His parents made him choose, not you. But he thinks he did you a favour?

[HelenaDove]

What culture is he from OP?

I agree with Just. Going by his manipulative behaviour so far he may begrudgingly agree to you taking the job but could try to make it difficult in other ways.

[butterfliesandzebras]

The thing is, if you throw out the sexist belief system, there not really a conflict here.

You want to work full time at you fab new job. He wants you both not to work full time so you see each other plenty, and because he is keen to foster. You are happy to foster older kids as long as it doesn't prevent you having your career.

Therefore the obvious solution is you take the job, he quits his to be main carer, and you go through the fostering process on that basis. Win-win.

If he's not happy with that, then it comes down to him wanting you to give up on everything you want to facilitate his wants (that he is carefully branding as 'our life' in his ultimatum, to make him sound more reasonable).