To want DH to talk to MIL

[TheSilentBang]

I may be being unreasonable here but thought I'd ask.

At the weekend DH and I had a long planned weekend away with friends, which had been organised since the beginning of the year. We don't often ask grandparents to have the DC, but obviously did for this occasion.

At the start of the week MIL mentioned that they (mil and Fil) were going to take DC (who is 3) to a rugby match played by BIL. She said that DC could play on tablet whilst there. After a chat DH and I decided that we'd actually prefer them to not do that. There were a few reasons for this, which I'm not really going to go into here. It wasn't an important game or local - a 3.5 hour round trip - and they'd only decided to go because FIL wanted to go have a few beers at the clubhouse basically.

DH had a word with MIL and she said that they wouldn't go. So we went away and tried to call them at home late afternoon Saturday. We didn't get an answer so I asked DH to call MIL mobile, which he did. MIL answered and when she did it was obvious they weren't at home. When DH asked where she was she replied 'Me and DC are just picking up FIL from watching BIL play - we only stayed for 5 mins then went to a play gym and now we're picking Fil up and will go out for tea before going home.' Now MIL has form for lying/being secretive. I'm not sure whether to believe that she did actually take DC to a play gym as the club house is in the arse end of nowhere. Plus we know what her 5 minutes is like..it really isn't 5 minutes. She later mentioned that DC had been running up and down the pitch.

I am really annoyed that MIL was asked not to do something and has gone and done it anyway, after telling DH she wouldn't. When DC came home on Sunday and we asked what he'd done at the weekend he did talk about watching BIL play rugby for 'longer longer mummy'. To maybe make things worse MIL then rang yesterday to say how well behaved DC had been on Saturday, as if possibly trying to prove some kind of point. DH isn't pleased that MIL has completely ignored us but hasn't said a word to her yet.

AIBU to think that DH should tell his mum how out of order this was? MIL is wanting to have the other DC (who are older) next week as its half term, but I think a chat needs to take place first. I don't know if she thought she'd be able to get away with it, she only had to tell us because we'd effectively 'caught' her out. How would you handle this?

Pictish: This

Good Lord, I wouldn't dream of dictating what my mum does when she has the DC.

But surely the Mil could have just said " look - I can look after dc and scarfricve my weekend however we are going to the rugby so if your not happy with that you need to sort out other care" Rather than lying this is what i dont get!

I have never visited friends/family and thought 'oh while I'm here I'll just do my weekly shop thats a day out to my mil - my dd treat with her was going to cost co

But Jenny, if you have driven hundreds of miles to babysit, are you not doing someone a favour and therefore perfectly reasonable to do what you need to do whilst you do it?

grannytomine Thu 20-Oct-16 21:02:20

exactly you wouldnt lie!

re your situation its a two way street and you need to be un available for a while so they appreciate that or say how you feel.

If it was an essential errand then yes, definitely perfectly reasonable but I thought pp had said she had facilitated the visit rather than actually needed them to babysit? Let's face it, we've all had to take our DC on boring but necessary outings/errands. I just think if they can be minimised so much the better. I especially think this when it involves time with GP/relatives that perhaps they don't get much time with in the first place.

No, I had no need of babysitting. jenny you have read the situation correctly. I engineered an opportunity for them to be on their own with my children! They were always offering, and we never ever needed them. I took it as a sign that they wanted to!
I imagine what happened in the ops case, was that they tried to please everyone. The older member if the family would perhaps be a lot more vocal if support were not given.

My children used to adore going to the supermarket with their gandparents. Owing to the fact that said perfectly fit and healthy gps seemed completely incapable of keeping an eye on what went into the trolley. A very strange, selective eye problem

But this wasn't just any rugby match, was it? MIL and FIL went to watch their SON play. OK, so FIL wanted to avail himself of the bar too, but...this was their SON playing.... and yes, if I was looking after a grandson and his uncle was going to be playing rugby, then damn sure I'd turn up to watch him. After all, MIL and FIL are the ones that are going to bear the brunt of a toddler who's been sitting in a car for 3.5 hours, not you, OP.

I understand you being upset about the lie, but maybe MIL couldn't see the issue and just didn't want to upset you? Or maybe they weren't there that long, after all toddlers are not the greatest at assessing time passage... Maybe they just wanted to see their (other) son for a while.

Sorry, I just can't bring myself to care about your 'poor' DC being (perhaps) bored for half an hour while his grandparents stick some food on a trolley.

pastelmacaroons, we don't actually know if OP's MIL did lie. OP only says she's not sure whether to believe her.

God, this is so ridiculous.

I cannot believe that some people are so fucking dictatorial and precious about the 'right' way to spend time with their children.

Poor grandparents. Jesus.

I certainly hope my kids' spouses are not the sort to pull rank over so little anyway.
What the fuck can you do with that?
Nothing.

How sad.

pictish if MN is a true barometer for real life then on the balance of probability I am afraid that many of us must look forward to having DILs who feel entitled to pull rank (and 'pull rank' is an excellent choice of phrase because it sums up the attitude perfectly) over just about whatever the hell they like, just because they can. And they want us to know they can.

And reduced contact or even permanent withdrawal of access to our sons and our GC will be the penalty we will pay until we fall into line and acquiesce to all these (usually very petty) rules and demands. It's a fucking depressing thought.

Bloody Hell! I would love to see my mothers face or indeed my mother in laws face if I tried to dictate to them
Like this. I'm kinda hoping my sons are gay reading about these horrid DIL's.

I don't mean to be inflammatory but surely the emphasis should be on raising DS that are responsible and strong enough to maintain their own family relationships rather than blaming potential DiL who "pull rank"?!

Your right Jenny. Or raising our daughters to be respectful of other and grateful for help when it is offered.

Yes, agreed

Also agreed.

But it's reasonable to expect safety to be a concern, no? There is a difference between banning contact and not going out of your way to facilitate extra special time together.