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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to talk to MIL

219 replies

TheSilentBang · 19/10/2016 00:05

I may be being unreasonable here but thought I'd ask.

At the weekend DH and I had a long planned weekend away with friends, which had been organised since the beginning of the year. We don't often ask grandparents to have the DC, but obviously did for this occasion.

At the start of the week MIL mentioned that they (mil and Fil) were going to take DC (who is 3) to a rugby match played by BIL. She said that DC could play on tablet whilst there. After a chat DH and I decided that we'd actually prefer them to not do that. There were a few reasons for this, which I'm not really going to go into here. It wasn't an important game or local - a 3.5 hour round trip - and they'd only decided to go because FIL wanted to go have a few beers at the clubhouse basically.

DH had a word with MIL and she said that they wouldn't go. So we went away and tried to call them at home late afternoon Saturday. We didn't get an answer so I asked DH to call MIL mobile, which he did. MIL answered and when she did it was obvious they weren't at home. When DH asked where she was she replied 'Me and DC are just picking up FIL from watching BIL play - we only stayed for 5 mins then went to a play gym and now we're picking Fil up and will go out for tea before going home.' Now MIL has form for lying/being secretive. I'm not sure whether to believe that she did actually take DC to a play gym as the club house is in the arse end of nowhere. Plus we know what her 5 minutes is like..it really isn't 5 minutes. She later mentioned that DC had been running up and down the pitch.

I am really annoyed that MIL was asked not to do something and has gone and done it anyway, after telling DH she wouldn't. When DC came home on Sunday and we asked what he'd done at the weekend he did talk about watching BIL play rugby for 'longer longer mummy'. To maybe make things worse MIL then rang yesterday to say how well behaved DC had been on Saturday, as if possibly trying to prove some kind of point. DH isn't pleased that MIL has completely ignored us but hasn't said a word to her yet.

AIBU to think that DH should tell his mum how out of order this was? MIL is wanting to have the other DC (who are older) next week as its half term, but I think a chat needs to take place first. I don't know if she thought she'd be able to get away with it, she only had to tell us because we'd effectively 'caught' her out. How would you handle this?

OP posts:
ThatGingerOne · 19/10/2016 07:26

YANBU about them doing something with your son you explained you didn't want them to do. However YABU about the rugby match - so he would be on tablet, at least he was outside - I'm sure he would have run up and down the side of the pitch and played around when he wanted to if he was bored.

I think the only way you could have told them what not to do while baby sitting is if they wanted to do something extreme with him like bungee jumping as NotWeaving said, not watch a rugby match.

Letseatgrandma · 19/10/2016 07:29

If my in laws had taken my child for the weekend so I could go away, I would just be grateful. I wouldn't be setting arbitrary rules to put them in a difficult position.

Maybe next time you should stay at home or take your child with you on weekends away.

Starryeyed16 · 19/10/2016 07:36

Yabvu as others said you cannot dicate where or what they do when they babysit for you for the weekend. You are extremely lucky to have them. My DC have two very poorly GPs and my inlaws who aren't as active in their lives. We rarely get time together but if we had the rare opportunity I wouldn't give a list of demands. Are you always this hard work? Do you give her a list for what DS can and can't eat aswell? If you want someone jumping to your tune I suggest you hire someone.

Your MIL may of handled it wrongly, if it was my DS or DIL they would of been told I'm not going to be dictated to and I'm doing them the favour. I also understand its can be hard to stand up and say that as a grandparent with fear of being stopped from seeing their grandchild, so I can understand the white lie but she didn't commit murder op. It sounds like you're looking for an excuse and massively ungrateful. This isn't one of those bad MIL threads just sounds as if your taking advantage of her and you want it on you're terms. I hope this thread gives you some food for thought and you realise how lucky you are, I never had GP growing up and my DF has been told he's got a year-2 years left. Two of my dcs will likely not remember him but he's is a bloody fantastic GF and my DC has a lovely relationship with him. If your DS had a fab time what does it matter?

SlottedSpoon · 19/10/2016 07:39

They wanted to watch a rugby match not part the child in the corner of the room at an S&M swingers party.

If they are babysitting for you, especially at the weekend when it's possibly the only free time they have together all week, then I'm sorry but you don't get to call the shots about how they spend their time.

If you don't like or approve of the way they spend their time when your child is with them then just don't ask them to babysit or allow them to have DC for extended periods of time when you are not present. That's really all you can do. Anything else is just controlling and precious.

SlottedSpoon · 19/10/2016 07:39

park not part!

SlottedSpoon · 19/10/2016 07:42

And if your MIL 'has form' for lying or 'being secretive' then that suggests to me that perhaps she feels the need to lie by omission because you are a micro-managing stress-head who tries to dictate how she should spend her time with her grandhchild, when she's doing you a favour.

Strawberry90 · 19/10/2016 07:45

You poor bil as well - you are basically saying his own parents should put your DS above him.

Honestly you are controlling and precious. A pp is right - a bit symptomatic of our geveration - our parents wouldn't have the same sense of entitlement and child focus and mine certainly didn't expect themselves and their children to be the centre of everyone's world because they wanted a weekend of fun

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 19/10/2016 07:47

What a horrible selfish, self righteous post.

They cared for your dc so you could go away. I don't think it's your place to dictate how she spends her time. If your not happy with it, don't use her again.

Your attitude does seem to reflect the usual MIL dislike on here.

If you want free childcare you always have to pay for it somehow, even if not by cash. I've had 2 Mil. And liked them both very much, l would never dream of telling them what to do with my dc.

I'm old enough now to be a MIL. I'd ignore what you said and just simply stop offering to look after your dc.

Coconutty · 19/10/2016 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Headofthehive55 · 19/10/2016 07:55

I understand. I once asked if my mil would like to to babysit this one day. (Instead of getting usual childcare). They decided to take DD weekly food shopping. I had rather hoped they might want to spend time at the park.

To top it all they didn't use a car seat. It is more than ten years ago. I've never "needed" them to babysit since!

DoinItFine · 19/10/2016 07:57

Never ask them (or anyone else) to banysit again.

Your child deserves to be the centre of the known universe, and only you can provide thst for him.

NapoleonsNose · 19/10/2016 07:58

YABU. You cannot dictate what you PiL do with your DC when you have asked them to do you a favour. Anyway, it doesn't seem like your 3 year old was glued to a tablet for hours as you mention that MiL let it slip that he was running up and down the pitch. Really OP, life is far too short to get hung up about stuff like that and I say that as a person who didn't always find my MIL's way of looking after my DC to fit in with my expectations.

DoinItFine · 19/10/2016 07:58

Bringing children to the supermarket is a child protection issue, what a wise Mummy you are.

BertrandRussell · 19/10/2016 08:03

"The people saying that you should never let her look after him again are being sarcastic."

They're not, you know! I wish they were but they're not.

DoinItFine · 19/10/2016 08:05

I think a lot of them are.

It's also the only solution to being this much of a fusspot about how your child is entertained.

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/10/2016 08:06

Oh my god how pathetic. If the world doesn't revolve around my three year old I'm going to have a paddy and be a total brat.

Why the fuck should she obey your ridiculous whims?! You do know she's not a child??

SaucyJack · 19/10/2016 08:16

Did your son have a good weekend?

Does any of this shit really matter?

Headofthehive55 · 19/10/2016 08:17

doin taking her in the car without using a car seat certainly is illegal, and us very much a child protection issue!

I had alternative childcare booked, and paid for but I thought, quite erroneously that they might actually want to spend time with her. On account of living far away so not seeing her much!

I'd be disappointed if they felt a rugby match was a suitable outing for a three year old.

Ohdearducks · 19/10/2016 08:19

Yabu for insisting they shouldn't go as they were doing you a favour (and it sounds like he had fun) but she was BU to lie about it.

GreenishMe · 19/10/2016 08:21

You clearly dislike your MIL and I suspect whatever she'd chosen to do with your DS, rugby or no rugby, you'd have found reason to be displeased or have a little moan about her to your DH.

Sadly, unless you decide to put your personal feelings out of sight, you'll taint your DC's relationship and childhood memories of their GP's who love them.

Have a little chat with yourself maybe?

Starryeyed16 · 19/10/2016 08:21

Headofhive55 you stopped you're inlaws from babysitting because they dare take the child to the supermarket that's beggars belief 😧 The car seat issue I understand but why did you not supply them with one, how would you expect them to go to the park? What is with having to take DC out all the time to fun? What happened to helping out in the garden, baking cakes, playing a board game? When did we become a society with such high expections that our DC must be stimulated constantly with activities.

inthenickoftime · 19/10/2016 08:24

You don't know for sure how lone they stayed at the rugby or if the went to soft play. Have you asked ds if they went to soft play?

Regardless I think you are massively overreacting. It sounds like he had a great time running around the pitch. Did he say anything to make you think that he hated it?

I would do your pils a favour and just pay a babysitter next time you want to dictate activities.

headinthecloud · 19/10/2016 08:25

I don't think it's fair to ask someone a favour and then dictate what they can do.
Next time I'd stay at home with the DC yourself.

TheDowagerCuntess · 19/10/2016 08:27

Headofthehives - you sure showed them!

P.S. Why the jeff didn't you give them a car seat?!

GerdaLovesLili · 19/10/2016 08:28

Can you imagine the AIBU?

My PILs offered to babysit so my DP and I could have a weekend away, but when I told her she couldn't take DS to a rugby match to watch her son play she chose her son over my DS and said they couldn't babysit after all.