To want DH to talk to MIL

[TheSilentBang]

I may be being unreasonable here but thought I'd ask.

At the weekend DH and I had a long planned weekend away with friends, which had been organised since the beginning of the year. We don't often ask grandparents to have the DC, but obviously did for this occasion.

At the start of the week MIL mentioned that they (mil and Fil) were going to take DC (who is 3) to a rugby match played by BIL. She said that DC could play on tablet whilst there. After a chat DH and I decided that we'd actually prefer them to not do that. There were a few reasons for this, which I'm not really going to go into here. It wasn't an important game or local - a 3.5 hour round trip - and they'd only decided to go because FIL wanted to go have a few beers at the clubhouse basically.

DH had a word with MIL and she said that they wouldn't go. So we went away and tried to call them at home late afternoon Saturday. We didn't get an answer so I asked DH to call MIL mobile, which he did. MIL answered and when she did it was obvious they weren't at home. When DH asked where she was she replied 'Me and DC are just picking up FIL from watching BIL play - we only stayed for 5 mins then went to a play gym and now we're picking Fil up and will go out for tea before going home.' Now MIL has form for lying/being secretive. I'm not sure whether to believe that she did actually take DC to a play gym as the club house is in the arse end of nowhere. Plus we know what her 5 minutes is like..it really isn't 5 minutes. She later mentioned that DC had been running up and down the pitch.

I am really annoyed that MIL was asked not to do something and has gone and done it anyway, after telling DH she wouldn't. When DC came home on Sunday and we asked what he'd done at the weekend he did talk about watching BIL play rugby for 'longer longer mummy'. To maybe make things worse MIL then rang yesterday to say how well behaved DC had been on Saturday, as if possibly trying to prove some kind of point. DH isn't pleased that MIL has completely ignored us but hasn't said a word to her yet.

AIBU to think that DH should tell his mum how out of order this was? MIL is wanting to have the other DC (who are older) next week as its half term, but I think a chat needs to take place first. I don't know if she thought she'd be able to get away with it, she only had to tell us because we'd effectively 'caught' her out. How would you handle this?

Did your son have a lovely day?

Let's be clear here - So he was out in the fresh air, running around a sports pitch all the while, spending time with his grandparents? Sounds awful

OP - think you have some control issues, that need dealing with pronto!

Yabu.

Much more unreasonable than your mil.

I think you think the rugby is a red herring, but it's not. Because if your in-laws thought you were being over=protective, or whatever, then they've just gone ahead and ignored you.

In an ideal world , in this circumstance, they'd assert themselves rather than being sneaky, but I think the rugby match is NOT a red herring

YABU And tbh you don't know you're born.

You say you're grateful, and maybe you think you are, but you absolutely don't come across that way.

If I was lucky enough to have parents or in laws who could or would look after my dc I would be so delighted. I don't think it would occur to me to start dictating what they did. I'd trust their judgement to make sure the dc were loved, looked after and fed. If they fed them stuff I wouldn't normally get, you know, I'd be happy they were having treats that they otherwise normally wouldn't. It's little things like this that form sweet memories in a child's mind.

If your son was running up and down the pitch (presumably after the match!) and saying he was watching BIL play rugby then he obviously wasn't sat on his arse staring at a tablet the whole time anyway. And if he had been, so what? As a one off it's ok.

My mil died when my boys were v. small. She was a brilliant granny. She loved them. She occasionally annoyed me buying crap for them (teddy bear shaped ham ) but I sucked it up cos it made her happy and once in a blue moon wouldn't kill them. They lost their lovely granny when they were so young, they can't remember her, and my dd wasn't even born. My own DM is useless and has never babysat and rarely sees them.

You are so incredibly lucky. You just need to see it (and acknowledge it) - did you get them a little token thank you for enabling you to have a weekend away?

BTW

Children do sometimes have to do stuff that's not primarily focussed on them Sometimes they hate it, but sometimes they do have bits of it that they enjoy - it does not sound as if the rugby was that terrible for your DC

I am surprised that you think it's reasonable to dictate to your MIL how she spends her weekend when you have asked her for a favour in minding your DS. Why should her weekend be completely about entertaining him exactly?

I agree with others that it was u to ban the rugby. They were doing you a favour-- why should they have dropped their weekend plans?

However, if you actually think they just went to the match and mil is lying about having gone to soft play, yeah that is pretty serious. If you think they did go to soft play but just also they spent longer than 5 mins at the match... I wouldn't get worked up about that. A day including soft play and a bit of outside time is fine and saying they went to rugby for 5 mins when it was actually 20 isn't a lie, it's just how people talk.

YABVU! You can't ask someone to look after your child and then dictate what they do with them (unless they're put in danger).

Children have to fit in with adults as much as adults have to adapt to them.

3/4 hours of doing something not predominately child focussed isn't much out of a whole weekend.

I would be careful of saying anything to your MIL unless you don't mind taking your child away with you next time when she refuses to have him!

If I asked my mum to mind my baby and then told her she couldn't clean her house, read a book, go to visit friends or do whatever else she had planned to do with her time during the time in which she was doing me a favour, she would laugh her little arse off. And I wouldn't blame her. Someone up thread actually suggested they would 'expect' activities like soft play to be booked - serious confusion between grandparents helping out and paid help going on!

Yes, it's unreasonable. Do you plan every minute of every day around your child and his entertainment, or do you do stuff that he has to come along to but would rather not be there? If the former, then you're setting yourself up for a long childhood of disregarding your own needs. If the latter, then why is this any different?

Your son would probably have been happy just to be in granny's company, tablet or not. I know my son has always loved staying with my parents and my grandmother because it's a treat.

My dad can't babysit for my kids as she has a short temper and I don't trust him.
My mum would never offer. She has two other grsndchikdren who are FAR more important.

You have no idea his lucky you are.

Actually I think YANBU. The babysitting was arranged first so why plan something so boring / unsuitable for a three year old? You said you could come back early rather than him going but they didn't give you that option they just lied. I'd be unimpressed.

I'd be pretty mortified if I were your DH, and you were expecting me to tell my parents off for something so (in the grand scheme of things) minor, when they'd just done us both a massive favour.

This is the very definition of a 'little white lie' - your DC was just fine - he probably actually enjoyed himself, and your PIL didn't have to drastically rearrange their weekend / not do something they'd been looking forward to, in order to accommodate you.

I'm a little bit amazed that you even posted this - you must have done so under the assumption you'd get a sympathetic reaction.

Rugby clubs are usually full of young children running around having a great time, eating bacon baps and drinking hot chocolate. Best days of my dcs life. If you asked me to look after your dc and then told me that i couldn't take them to a rugby match i'd probably tell you exactly where to stick your precious snowflake

Chased: Because not every aspect of their lives is dictated by a 3 year old. Sometimes kids have to fit round what you are doing, and when you are doing someone else a favour, that is even more reasonable. The OP didn't hire the MIL as a child entertainer, she asked her to look after her son so she could go somewhere herself with her DH. She had no right to insist on vetted 'activities'. If her MIL had wanted a quiet weekend at home in front of the TV, that would be equally as valid as sitting in the car for a couple of hours and then watching a match.

It's fine for a child to fit around adult plans (including car journeys). As long as any plans are age appropriate - which rugby is. And it sounds like he had a good run round.

Obviously lying isn't on. I would keep a close eye on that but as it stands you can't prove its a lie/the truth.

Gosh some harsh responses

I would be really upset if my ILs (or parents) said yes to my face and then went ahead and did whatever they wanted, this is wrong regardless of how reasonable your request is and whether they are doing you a favour

It's fine to make requests. mIL could have negotiated, or said she is doing it anyway and op would have the option to change her weekend plans, instead mil just nodded and lied

Although mil may have found this difficult, she is an adult and should be able to deal with tricky situations in a grown up way

I don't see how sitting with your DS whilst he plays on a tablet "isn't really watching him". Are they supposed to gaze at him all the time? You don't know she was lying, it really doesn't hurt your son to go on a car journey. Leave it.

Jesus they must think you're a fucking nightmare.

Yabu for treating them like employees when they were doing you a favour. Going to the rugby was a perfectly appropriate thing for them to do with him. They could have just plonked him in front of the TV all day.

Only someone who has grandparents on tap would think the OP was in any way reasonable.

I bet mil had pressure from fil to go to the match and it would have caused conflict to say no, because he wanted to go to his club, and he probably didn't see the problem with taking your ds along. She took the path of least conflict. She would have felt really bad cancelling on you, but she didn't feel she could say no to fil.
Realistically,you can only really expect them to follow your parenting decisions if they at least mostly agree with them. But I'd bet it's fil you should be speaking to. Doesn't sound like mil was the driving force behind going. She's stuck doing whatever makes everyone else happy, or least unhappy.

You were wrong to tell them they couldn't take your child to the rugby match and she was wrong to lie. It's a matter of trust: you showed her you did not trust her to look after her grandchild properly by making it clear you disapproved of her intentions for the weekend, which is frankly a little bit offensive; and she showed you she could not be trusted by ignoring your wishes rather than having an honest discussion about it. She was very childish to go behind your back with something she was bound to get caught out on, but you did really set the situation up to be likely to end in confrontation or evasiveness. If you know she is the sort of person who would rather lie than face up to people, you need to learn to handle her a bit more intelligently, I think!

They are not your staff. If it is so important to you that you control where your d's goes to this degree then you don't have weekends away and you don't ask family to babysit. She gave up her whole weekend to look after your ds and you are still not pleased because she didn't do as you asked! I find the cheek of your post quite breathtaking tbh. If she had taken him somewhere dangerous then you would have a point. Lots of three year olds go places with their parents that are not for them ie shopping, to DIY shops, to look at houses etc etc. this is part of family life and as long as they're supervised that's fine. Three year olds like to run up and down so this is not such a terrible idea anyway. I think I would be thanking MIL for having him and keeping my mouth shut. You may well need her again and then you will look like an idiot for making such a fuss about this.

Our generation - us included - have gone too far with being child focussed IMO. I had a very happy childhood but as kids we spent most of our lives playing in house or garden or in gardener Haskins or supermarkets. Very occasionally would we have a child focussed day out.

When our kids small it was much more about doing things aimed at them our peers were the same. We would feel guilty about kids being taken along on errand days / doing adult dull stuff in a way our parents generation didn't seem to.

Your son went on a day out with his granny and grandad. He spent time running about in the fresh air. Probably with other children.

I'm really thankful that my lot trust me enough with my 6 grandchildren to let me plan their time with me and just get on with it.