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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to talk to MIL

219 replies

TheSilentBang · 19/10/2016 00:05

I may be being unreasonable here but thought I'd ask.

At the weekend DH and I had a long planned weekend away with friends, which had been organised since the beginning of the year. We don't often ask grandparents to have the DC, but obviously did for this occasion.

At the start of the week MIL mentioned that they (mil and Fil) were going to take DC (who is 3) to a rugby match played by BIL. She said that DC could play on tablet whilst there. After a chat DH and I decided that we'd actually prefer them to not do that. There were a few reasons for this, which I'm not really going to go into here. It wasn't an important game or local - a 3.5 hour round trip - and they'd only decided to go because FIL wanted to go have a few beers at the clubhouse basically.

DH had a word with MIL and she said that they wouldn't go. So we went away and tried to call them at home late afternoon Saturday. We didn't get an answer so I asked DH to call MIL mobile, which he did. MIL answered and when she did it was obvious they weren't at home. When DH asked where she was she replied 'Me and DC are just picking up FIL from watching BIL play - we only stayed for 5 mins then went to a play gym and now we're picking Fil up and will go out for tea before going home.' Now MIL has form for lying/being secretive. I'm not sure whether to believe that she did actually take DC to a play gym as the club house is in the arse end of nowhere. Plus we know what her 5 minutes is like..it really isn't 5 minutes. She later mentioned that DC had been running up and down the pitch.

I am really annoyed that MIL was asked not to do something and has gone and done it anyway, after telling DH she wouldn't. When DC came home on Sunday and we asked what he'd done at the weekend he did talk about watching BIL play rugby for 'longer longer mummy'. To maybe make things worse MIL then rang yesterday to say how well behaved DC had been on Saturday, as if possibly trying to prove some kind of point. DH isn't pleased that MIL has completely ignored us but hasn't said a word to her yet.

AIBU to think that DH should tell his mum how out of order this was? MIL is wanting to have the other DC (who are older) next week as its half term, but I think a chat needs to take place first. I don't know if she thought she'd be able to get away with it, she only had to tell us because we'd effectively 'caught' her out. How would you handle this?

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 19/10/2016 22:47

Sorry op but yabu,

Mil was wrong to lie to you but your demands were a bit precious. And this is coming from someone who wont even let her child have a toy tablet to play with.

I hope you enjoyed your weekend Smile

pastelmacaroons · 19/10/2016 23:07

It's the fact that when asked not to do something they've done it anyway

I don't care about the rugby - no great shakes really or the car journey although not great fun for a small child.

Its the TRUST. If mil has ducked this - what else has she ducked? As for the smile and nod from mil the grown woman, we have had this too, when asking her to do or not do a few things over the years like Nappies! Keep DD in nappies please - we know the second she has her - she has put her in pants inspite of saying she wouldn't.

I dont trust her - its not just that but loads of things. I coldnt care less if when my DC see mil they spoil them, give them sweets ( they dont really) or cake - non of that bothers me - but TRUST is key.

pastelmacaroons · 19/10/2016 23:09

We were told yes that was ok but it was done anyway

^^ taking child over an hour and half away is also not safe when parents dont know where child is - what if there had been accident?

Madeyemoodysmum · 19/10/2016 23:56

Agree with pastel macaroons

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 20/10/2016 04:59

Oh for crying out loud, it's an hour and a half macaroons not another country! The OP was away herself so what difference does it make?!

I'm expecting my first son, absolutely dreading the whole being a MIL thing if mumsnet is anything to go by, literally cannot do anything right, even when sacrificing their own weekends to look after the grandchildren!

Clandestino · 20/10/2016 06:06

You had a great weekend and babysitting for free.
You are BVVU.
Your MIL probably lied because she was pissed off with you trying to dictate what to do. Honestly, I'd like to see her post here and reactions to it.
And if you bring it up, I'd never do anything like this for you if I were her. She's the one doing you a favour, not the other way round.

SlottedSpoon · 20/10/2016 06:45

It looks to be as though MIL didn't take the child to the rugby anyway. This is easily solved - the PFB in question is three years old. I'm sure he/she is capable of answering the question 'did you go to softplay with Grandma while Grandpa watched rugby?' And then the OP will have her answer. And if the rugby club is in the arse end of nowhere as the OP said then it's unlikely they just popped to a play area for a really short while and back to the rugby club again - they would either have gone or not gone.

I think the FIL wanted to have a few pints with his other son and was relying on MIL to drive, so to go on his own would spoil his day as no pints. MIL probably wanted to see her other son for a bit as well.

MIL did her best in awkward circs. She drove FIL to the rugby, stayed for a while so she could see her son, took PFB to a nearby play centre thereby fulfilling request from DIL to not have child hanging around at the rugby the whole time, then drove FIL home.

The request was don't take PFB for a whole day out at rugby, not 'don't take PFB in the car at all and don't drop off or collect FIL from the rugby.'

If you read the OP again there is nothing to suggest she even did take the PFB to the rugby, this is all just speculation on the OP's part. She was clearly told by MIL that they went to softplay - the OP just doesn't believe her.

Headofthehive55 · 20/10/2016 18:00

trifle I consider it odd to visit someone who lives several,hours away and then spend your time food shopping for yourself!

Trifleorbust · 20/10/2016 19:35

Why? If you need food, you need it. You're still spending time with the people you love.

Msqueen33 · 20/10/2016 20:16

We moved to be nearer my parents. I have three kids two of whom have autism. For my middle dd's birthday (she's one of the two with autism) we asked my youngest to mind our at the time two year old (she has asd too) she's non verbal but not too much hard work so we could go to a theme park. Could we drop her off around half seven as it was over a two hour drive there. They said no. My dm also complained when we were slightly late back from the cinema with older two DC and didn't take youngest as she cannot sit still and will scream if maybe to. I have very little help and my dh works long hours as he's the breadwinner as I can't work. If my parents ever have any of the kids (very rare) I'm profusely grateful. Even if they've stuck them in front of the tv.

Maybe your mil was put in a tricky situation by bil who wanted to see his mum and fil who wanted to go. Maybe her and your son went to softplay and then to rugby. Does your son never have to fit in doing boring things for his siblings? I'd say it very much depends on your reasons. To me it seems extreme.

But then my mil doesn't bother. She won't see us unless her bf is free and my parents despite being retired and local don't bother hugely.

pastelmacaroons · 20/10/2016 20:23

even when sacrificing their own weekends to look after the grandchildren!

ha!!!! the innocence Smile

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/10/2016 20:24

Oh for crying out loud, it's an hour and a half macaroons not another country! The OP was away herself so what difference does it make?!

I agree.

If you don't like it don't have children free weekends away!

OhBigHairyBollocks · 20/10/2016 20:45

Good Lord, I wouldn't dream of dictating what my mum does when she has the DC. They often have more fun with her than they do with me, traitors

Yabvu. But you know this now!

grannytomine · 20/10/2016 21:02

I look after my grandchildren alot, sleep overs 2 or 3 nights a week, pick up from school 4 or 5 times a week, take them on holiday etc. I do it because I like to but I do think the parents should view it as a favour and not take it for granted (they do). If they started telling me what I was allowed to do with them I would be shocked, we do things the children will enjoy but they also have to come along to things we want/need to do. I would understand if they said make sure they are in bed by a certain time on a school night but I think they assume I can work that out, I have brought up 4 of my own afterall.

Having said all that if I was your MIL I would have said sorry but we are going to the rugby, do you want us to have him for the weekend? I wouldn't lie.

Headofthehive55 · 20/10/2016 21:48

trifle why did they need food? They were at my house. And no room in my freezer to store their food! perishables just don't keep.

Trifleorbust · 20/10/2016 22:11

I honestly don't get the problem. They took your son to the supermarket. Big wow. The storage of their food is another issue.

pictish · 20/10/2016 22:18

Yeah I'm not getting what your beef is with them going to the supermarket either. Please explain the harm because I'm not seeing it.

Headofthehive55 · 21/10/2016 06:55

The sheer refusal to use a car seat which had been provided for them.

There is no harm in going to a supermarket, but I found it disappointing and puzzling (given the storage issues) that is where they chose on such a rare occasion, which I had gone out if my way to facilitate.

Ooh we've friends coming for the weekend. I know lets make a day of it. Let's go to ASDA. Said no one ever. No harm no, but certainly an unusual choice!

Trifleorbust · 21/10/2016 07:31

The car seat issue is again separate. Didn't you ask them to come and look after your baby? I'm not trying to be rude here but it sounds like you think you did them some huge favour, whereas it sounds a bit like they were doing you the favour. Either way, it's not strange to take your grandchild with you while you run necessary errands.

carmenta · 21/10/2016 07:50

It's illegal, unsafe and highly irresponsible to take a small child in a car without a car seat. Unless it's a life threatening situation, which a supermarket trip isn't.

Trifleorbust · 21/10/2016 07:54

No one is saying they were not being irresponsible about the car seat. I am saying that the poster doesn't seem to object only to the lack of a car seat, but to the supermarket as a destination irrespective of whether there was a car seat.

carmenta · 21/10/2016 08:10

It's all on a continuum of not respecting the wishes of the parent. If they go as far as doing illegal and unsafe things then it's quite sensible to be wary of all of their choices. Who knows what else they will decide can be ignored.

pictish · 21/10/2016 08:38

So really, you're whinging because you don't think the supermarket was 'special' enough for the grand occasion of them being permitted to have the esteemed company of your child.

Ok then.

JennyM9275 · 21/10/2016 09:26

Isn't the issue that the PiL were visiting and chose to spend the time grocery shopping? Whether they had DGC with them or not that is an odd thing to do IMO. I have never visited friends/family and thought 'oh while I'm here I'll just do my weekly shop' Confused

pictish · 21/10/2016 09:28

Yes...we must all be the same.

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