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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to talk to MIL

219 replies

TheSilentBang · 19/10/2016 00:05

I may be being unreasonable here but thought I'd ask.

At the weekend DH and I had a long planned weekend away with friends, which had been organised since the beginning of the year. We don't often ask grandparents to have the DC, but obviously did for this occasion.

At the start of the week MIL mentioned that they (mil and Fil) were going to take DC (who is 3) to a rugby match played by BIL. She said that DC could play on tablet whilst there. After a chat DH and I decided that we'd actually prefer them to not do that. There were a few reasons for this, which I'm not really going to go into here. It wasn't an important game or local - a 3.5 hour round trip - and they'd only decided to go because FIL wanted to go have a few beers at the clubhouse basically.

DH had a word with MIL and she said that they wouldn't go. So we went away and tried to call them at home late afternoon Saturday. We didn't get an answer so I asked DH to call MIL mobile, which he did. MIL answered and when she did it was obvious they weren't at home. When DH asked where she was she replied 'Me and DC are just picking up FIL from watching BIL play - we only stayed for 5 mins then went to a play gym and now we're picking Fil up and will go out for tea before going home.' Now MIL has form for lying/being secretive. I'm not sure whether to believe that she did actually take DC to a play gym as the club house is in the arse end of nowhere. Plus we know what her 5 minutes is like..it really isn't 5 minutes. She later mentioned that DC had been running up and down the pitch.

I am really annoyed that MIL was asked not to do something and has gone and done it anyway, after telling DH she wouldn't. When DC came home on Sunday and we asked what he'd done at the weekend he did talk about watching BIL play rugby for 'longer longer mummy'. To maybe make things worse MIL then rang yesterday to say how well behaved DC had been on Saturday, as if possibly trying to prove some kind of point. DH isn't pleased that MIL has completely ignored us but hasn't said a word to her yet.

AIBU to think that DH should tell his mum how out of order this was? MIL is wanting to have the other DC (who are older) next week as its half term, but I think a chat needs to take place first. I don't know if she thought she'd be able to get away with it, she only had to tell us because we'd effectively 'caught' her out. How would you handle this?

OP posts:
Sadsnake · 19/10/2016 08:28

This is the sort of thing mine did....I gave up after a while and realised when they have my kids they do as they please..they once fed them meat when they were vegetarian..I soon learned to not ask for them to have kiddies..and accepted they would do as they please with them when they did

ohdearme1958 · 19/10/2016 08:28

I don't think it's fair to ask someone a favour and then dictate what they can do.
Next time I'd stay at home with the DC yourself

Honestly. I'm at a loss to understand when granny having the kids became doing a favor?

carmenta · 19/10/2016 08:32

I think you have a problem bigger than the rugby and the related conversations.

If you don't trust your PIL to the point where you try to control what they do with your DS to that extent then I think you have to look at the trust issue as a whole. Not this one thing. Is it a personality clash? Is it something else they do that makes you defensive? Is it a collective pattern of behaviour? Is there a reason you feel very protective of your DS?

Until you sort out the underlying problem these kinds of surface symptoms will probably just keep happening.

reddotmum · 19/10/2016 08:34

Simple thing to do is don't go away with out the kids. If you trust Grammy to mind the child when ur away then trust her judgement. I suspect there are thousands of us who would love a grandparent happy to have the kids for the weekend. Be grateful.

Starryeyed16 · 19/10/2016 08:36

ohdearme1958 yes babysitting is a favour especially a full weekend just because your grandparent doesn't mean that you should automatically babysit it's a favour not a right that you can ask but not expect a grandparent to babysit they have lives of their own other commitments.

LagunaBubbles · 19/10/2016 08:40

I'm own mouthed at never letting GPs babysit again because they took them food shopping! I've never read anything so ridiculous here about in laws and that's saying something. And if they didn't have a car seat the normal thing to do would be to give them one or ack them to get one - not ban them from babysitting! That's so sad.

Oysterbabe · 19/10/2016 08:40

Of course looking after someone else's 3 year old for a whole weekend is a favour!! It doesn't matter who you are, it's a massive imposition. Especially if the mother is a nightmare and dictates how you're allowed to spend that time.

Somerville · 19/10/2016 08:46

I'm staggered by the self-importance inherent in telling somebody kind enough to look after your child for a weekend how to spend their time. Or rather, how not to spend their time. Confused

If your MIL didn't take him to soft play or whatever then, sure, she shouldn't have said that she did. But how nice is she for still having him for the weekend after getting told off for wanting to go to the rugby?!

My parents are having my DC this weekend - I'll be reminding them (the DC!) to be polite, helpful and not moody if grandad takes them to church. Then handing them over with a big bunch of flowers, cash for treats/excursions in case it's needed, and eternal gratitude.

Did you even thank your PIL?

rollonthesummer · 19/10/2016 08:47

Honestly. I'm at a loss to understand when granny having the kids became doing a favor?

A grandparent having a three year old for an entire weekend so the parents can go off on a child-free weekend is most definitely a favour.

reallyamazeballs · 19/10/2016 08:55

Op you sound like a PITA and a terrible DIL. Your poor dh. Does he have to put up with this crap all the time from you.

Your PIL on the other hand sound lovely.

HTH

Headofthehive55 · 19/10/2016 09:01

I did give them a car seat but "they don't believe in them" . The park was across the road, plenty of baking ingredients available, games also.

Put it this way I didn't go out of my way to facilitate them having time with them on their own again. They see them, but as we live a long way away we are there also.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 19/10/2016 09:03

I have a grandchild. She's delightful and lovely, and I like spending time with her. But delightful as she is, l do see having an entire weekend of her as a favour. Doesn't mean l don't want to do it, but it does mean suspending your own life to some extent.

ANewStartOverseas · 19/10/2016 09:05

I don't think I would have an issue with them taking the dc to a rugby match tbh.
But I can see why it is an issue for you that 1- your MIL didnt follow what you asked her to do and 2- your MIL thought it was Ok to lie to you and she would 'get away with it'.

If the lying and the not listening to you wishes is something that has happened before, then yes, by any means, have a word with her. This time it wa a rugby match (not such a big deal) but it could be anything else (lets say diet related or doing an activity that you find unsuitable for safety reason).

dalmatianmad · 19/10/2016 09:06

You sound so ungrateful op!
I would be so grateful if my children were loved and cared for so I had a nice little break!

ScaredAndStressedOut · 19/10/2016 09:07

I wouldn't say anything. They babysat for the weekend and your children seem happy and well cared for. If you're going to say anything just say thank you.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/10/2016 09:09

Of course looking after someone else's 3 year old for a whole weekend is a favour!! It doesn't matter who you are, it's a massive imposition. Especially if the mother is a nightmare and dictates how you're allowed to spend that time.

I agree

ANewStartOverseas · 19/10/2016 09:09

I also think that its not because you are giving someone 'a favour' that you are allowed to do whatever pleases you or lie and disregard the other person.
Surely you still neeed to show some respect for the other person.

In that case, it would have been different if the MIL hadnt been told NOT to take the child to the match and the OP had discovered that afterwards. Then no, she couldnt have grumbled about it.

But the disrespect coming from lying, yes.

Millymollymanatee · 19/10/2016 09:11

We obviously don't know the full story here, however if anyone volunteered to have my child for a weekend I would be so grateful for the break.

Grandparents are people in their own right who have raised their own children. They don't automatically qualify as babysitters.

ANewStartOverseas · 19/10/2016 09:11

If it's such an imposition, why on earth do you still look after the child then?

AND, its not the OP that said to the MIL she wasnt happy. Its the OP AND her DH. If the OP is a pain, then surely her DH is as much of a nightmare to 'impose so many restrictions'??
Or is that restricted to the mother and/or DIL?

JustSpeakSense · 19/10/2016 09:12

I don't see why the rugby match was an issue....however, that is besides the point.

You asked her not to do something with your child, she agreed, and then did it anyway.

However, you are very lucky to have a MIL who is prepared and able to babysit for you so for the sake of family harmony I would probably say nothing.

But if she has form for disregarding your wishes for your own children I would be thinking very hard about leaving them in her care again.

This time it was harmless and worked out fine, but next time overriding you might have other consequences.

Headofthehive55 · 19/10/2016 09:13

laguna I have no need for babysitting, so it wasn't doing me a favour rather it was entirely to facilitate them having special time with her. Which they decided to spend doing their own food shop. Disappointing, but I was more concerned by the sheer refusal to use a car seat for very young toddler.

Millymollymanatee · 19/10/2016 09:13

Qualify was possibly the wrong word. What I mean was, it cannot be taken for granted that grandparents either can or want to babysit our children.

pregnantat50 · 19/10/2016 09:13

I do understand your point on this Op at the end of the day its not about whether it was appropriate for your son to go to watch the Rugby, this is about trusting your in laws to follow your wishes and respecting them.

You asked them not to take your son, & they ignored you, took him regardless and lied about it. How can you trust them again? I think the fact she lied to you is worse than the fact she took him, to be honest. Do you know if they asked your son to lie about his activity's too? That would be very wrong.

I compare this to an incident when my daughter was little, she was 3 and my Sister in law kept on and on about getting her ears pierced and I said, "No not until she is old enough to make a choice for herself"...she took her to town a couple of weekends later and came back with them done, declaring how nice they looked. (I was furious)...my dd incidentally hated them, removed them and still to this day (21) hasnt worn ear rings.

PinkFreesia · 19/10/2016 09:15

You are being unreasonable. why would you tell GP what activity to do with your child? or in this case what not to do? they are babysitting your child, obviously took great care of him and you're pissed because they don't follow your instructions? you need to pick your battles. There are lots of times GP absolutely need to follow mum AND Dad's instructions but this is just childish. You are coming across as high maintenance and spoiling the relationship.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 19/10/2016 09:16

Our generation - us included - have gone too far with being child focussed IMO. I had a very happy childhood but as kids we spent most of our lives playing in house or garden or in gardener Haskins or supermarkets.

But children of yesteryear would have been outside playing in the street or running round the neighborhood. There was no need to take them to soft play and other childrebs' spaces as they could run around and play unsupervised in the neighborhood. Sadly that isn't usually possible anymore (in large part due to the dangers of cars).

I'd be very happy for my ILs to have my kids at home or in the garden, to take them to the garden centre or supermarket (if they weren't sitting in the trolley the whole time). They are being active, interacting, involved in things.

Sitting in a car for 3.5+ hours then on a tablet sounds really crap. Going to a local rugby match would be OK, it's the long car journey to sit around which I'd have an issue with!

Sometimes we have crap days if we're unwell, things need to get done etc, but to plan a day in the car when you only have a toddler for two days is pretty odd.

Obviously it depends what your ILs are like. My ILs are really keen to have our kids and ask way more than we ask them. It sounds like the OPs in-laws are similar.