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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to talk to MIL

219 replies

TheSilentBang · 19/10/2016 00:05

I may be being unreasonable here but thought I'd ask.

At the weekend DH and I had a long planned weekend away with friends, which had been organised since the beginning of the year. We don't often ask grandparents to have the DC, but obviously did for this occasion.

At the start of the week MIL mentioned that they (mil and Fil) were going to take DC (who is 3) to a rugby match played by BIL. She said that DC could play on tablet whilst there. After a chat DH and I decided that we'd actually prefer them to not do that. There were a few reasons for this, which I'm not really going to go into here. It wasn't an important game or local - a 3.5 hour round trip - and they'd only decided to go because FIL wanted to go have a few beers at the clubhouse basically.

DH had a word with MIL and she said that they wouldn't go. So we went away and tried to call them at home late afternoon Saturday. We didn't get an answer so I asked DH to call MIL mobile, which he did. MIL answered and when she did it was obvious they weren't at home. When DH asked where she was she replied 'Me and DC are just picking up FIL from watching BIL play - we only stayed for 5 mins then went to a play gym and now we're picking Fil up and will go out for tea before going home.' Now MIL has form for lying/being secretive. I'm not sure whether to believe that she did actually take DC to a play gym as the club house is in the arse end of nowhere. Plus we know what her 5 minutes is like..it really isn't 5 minutes. She later mentioned that DC had been running up and down the pitch.

I am really annoyed that MIL was asked not to do something and has gone and done it anyway, after telling DH she wouldn't. When DC came home on Sunday and we asked what he'd done at the weekend he did talk about watching BIL play rugby for 'longer longer mummy'. To maybe make things worse MIL then rang yesterday to say how well behaved DC had been on Saturday, as if possibly trying to prove some kind of point. DH isn't pleased that MIL has completely ignored us but hasn't said a word to her yet.

AIBU to think that DH should tell his mum how out of order this was? MIL is wanting to have the other DC (who are older) next week as its half term, but I think a chat needs to take place first. I don't know if she thought she'd be able to get away with it, she only had to tell us because we'd effectively 'caught' her out. How would you handle this?

OP posts:
someonestolemynick · 19/10/2016 01:17

Your MiL is an adult, why do you think you can tell her to do something?

Could the general problem be something like this.

I would hate to be spoken to like this especially when doing you a favour no matter how sound your reasoning. Your MiL may just not like confrontation and go for the nod and smile approach when she should simply be saying: " actually, that doesn't work for me. Would you prefer to sort a different childcare arrangement."

Essentially she is not your employee and it's not your place to dictate her weekend unless your ds would be in any actual danger.

lillybloom · 19/10/2016 01:18

I don't think you are being unreasonable.
Regardless of your reason, you asked mil NOT to take him to the rugby match, she agreed and then lied about it. Mil didn't discuss it with you, didn't share her viewpoint, just agreed to your face and did what suited her best. Seems obvious to me she cant be trusted. I wouldn't ask her to look after him again.
I wouldn't say anything as it will cause unnecessary arguments where the focus will be on the rugby rather than her lying.

Oswin · 19/10/2016 01:22

What's your problem with it not being an activity for your DC.
It's quite normal to do things where the kids can occupy themselves with a tablet.

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 19/10/2016 01:26

Yab Unreasonable and Ungrateful. Why don't you talk to your MIL about it, if you need to? Why are you demanding your DH gets involved?

coolaschmoola · 19/10/2016 01:26

You were unreasonable to ask them not to go, they were unreasonable to lie... Both as bad as each other.

I will happily look after anyone's children - on the understanding that if they trust me to have them at all, then they trust me to make decisions about what we do in that time. If people want to tell me what I can and can't do whilst I am doing them a favour, then they can pay an employee to do it instead.

My friends have met my child. They have seen me parent. They know that I am perfectly capable of looking after children.

You LIVE with a product of your IL's parenting - he clearly grew up to be a nice enough person for you to have children with. They managed to do that without you telling them what to do...

What it comes down to is trust. You either trust them to keep DC safe or you don't. If you feel like you have to dictate what they can or can't do then you don't fully trust them.

In that case what on earth would you leave your child with them?!

KC225 · 19/10/2016 01:26

I think I would be a bit miffed. Three and half hours to be stuck in a car is a long time when the end result is not really of interest to your DS. He's only 3. If they don't have him very often and have had plenty of notice, I'm sure you were hoping they would plan a petting zoo, soft play or an activity at home.

For all the comments about free childcare, it was pre-arranged and one off. I agree with the poster, who said to say something would be to accuse her of lying and won't end well. It's your DH's call but I would bear this in mind if asking her to babysit again.

BertrandRussell · 19/10/2016 01:28

She should 't have lied-if she did. But you shouldn't have told her what to do. So let the two shouldn'ts cAncel each other out and move on

BertrandRussell · 19/10/2016 01:30

And I am actually sad about the people saying "never let her look after him again" You'd really cut off a loving grandmother because of this?

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 19/10/2016 01:33

YABU

NavyandWhite · 19/10/2016 02:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PberryT · 19/10/2016 02:11

YABU

The people saying that you should never let her look after him again are being sarcastic. If someone is looking after your child, you dont get to demand what they do in that time. Mil has done you a huge favour.

MrsLupo · 19/10/2016 02:36

If she said they wouldn't go and they did anyway, how are you to trust her in future? I also think the rugby plan sucked. I love rugby and would happily take a 3yo, but a 3-4 hour journey, I'm betting also with the tablet for company, plus 80 minutes of matchtime, plus a bit of faffing about all adds up to nearly 6 hours on a tablet. For a 3yo. That's a bit crap in my book. I can't abide GPs who say they want to spend time with their GCs* and then just ignore them. My PILs are like this too. YANBU, OP.

*And yes, I know it was OP who asked in this instance, but she says they're normally the ones doing the asking.

RhiWrites · 19/10/2016 02:44

When DC came home on Sunday and we asked what he'd done at the weekend he did talk about watching BIL play rugby for 'longer longer mummy'.

Is this really how your child talks at age 3? What did you ask them to cause that reaction? Did you ask "how long were you watching BIL?" Children that age don't have a great sense of time. The word 'long' is a surprising one for a child that age to use.

It's not really fair to expect to dictate how your in laws babysit. Not when they're doing you a favour. It's also not reasonable to expect everything they do to be cold centred.

She shouldn't have lied (if indeed she did lie which hasn't been established). But don't legislate where you can't enforce. If you'd asked her not to let him wear anything green and shed lent him a green jumper it's understandable that she'd ignore a rule that seems to make no sense.

puglife15 · 19/10/2016 02:54

Well I think your MIL is VU for lying

But I also wonder if she is worried what would happen if she didn't lie?

Would you refuse her access to the kids/"punish" her if she had said she wouldn't babysit?

I also wonder what her relationship with her dh is like, you might not know what happens behind closed doors and perhaps she would have got grief or abuse from FIL if she hasn't driven him there? You said yourself she probably hasn't mentioned it to him at all...

I also think your are a bit U to expect you can dictate terms of your free childcare. DC1 is nearly 4 and we've never had a night off. No one has offered to have him in 4 years. We now have two (non sleeping) DC. I've cried and begged for a break to both DP and DPIL with both me and DH now suffering from depression caused by the lack of sleep and relentlessness of our situation and we've still not had one. You could do with a bit of perspective.

puglife15 · 19/10/2016 02:55

Rhi why is long a weird word to use?!

M0nstersinthecl0set · 19/10/2016 03:28

She lied about where the child was going to be/ was.
My ex did this frequently with his access time. A family Court agreed that was a potential risk to the children in an emergency / for contact etc.
I'm not saying cut this woman out of your life, but she clearly is not trustworthy for unsupervised responsibility for a child as she feels the whereabouts and activities a child is doing are none of the parents businessHmm.
Do not leave your child unsupervised with an irrisponsible liar again.

Strawberry90 · 19/10/2016 03:34

YAbu - if you leave them to babysit then you leave them in charge to make their own judgements. You are taking them for granted tell them to. babysit whilst you go off on a jaunt and then tell them what to do with their time. They are doing you a massive favour - they are not paid employees. Look after your own DC if you want to dictate what they do or don't do.

Strawberry90 · 19/10/2016 03:37

And rhi it sounds very normal for a 3 year old to talk like that...

GinIsIn · 19/10/2016 03:55

Well, it IS about the rugby match, because you were being a bit of an arse to demand they not go in the first place. You were unreasonable there, and perhaps MIL just didn't know how to raise it with you, so she picked the wrong course of action?

I think you need to re-evaluate your childcare as you seem to have some arbitrarily high standards that aren't really fair to foist onto your PILs when they are doing you a favour!

DeathStare · 19/10/2016 04:07

Maybe the rugby match is a bit of a red herring because it's not even about the rugby match, it's about doing something even after being asked not to

But you don't have the right to control your ILs lives just because they are also doing you a favour.

When you hand your child over to someone else to be looked after you have to accept that they are not going to do exactly the same things or make the same decisions that you do. And you have no right to demand that they do - especially when they are providing childcare for free.

You have a right to expect that they keep your child safe, and that they don't do anything that is going to throw their routine for days ahead but that's about it.

When people were asking why you didn't want your DS going to the rugby I suspect (because I thought the same) that they were expecting a drip feed about how the ILs get blind drunk at the rugby or how BIL has form for violence after matches. If there was no such back story then you were being beyond unreasonable asking your MIL to rearrange her plans for the weekend because they weren't to your taste.

And you don't know MIL is lying. Ok so saying they stayed 5 minutes probably isn't literally true - maybe it was 15 minutes - but I don't think you have any right to be at all cross with her because while she was doing you a massive favour she didn't have her stopwatch out.

Plenty of three year olds go to watch a rugby match every week. They are all fine and well. Your DS has come back fine and well and has happy memories.

So no your DH shouldn't be having a word with his DM. He should be having a word with you. And if I was your MIL and these are the kind of controlling unreasonable conditions you lay down, I would never agree to do you any kind of favour again.

Jupiter2Mars · 19/10/2016 04:12

I don't think you can dictate what people who babysit as a favour can and cannot do (up to the limit that its harmful).
You put your MIL in an awkward situation by making an unreasonable demand. Maybe she should have stood up to you instead of just ignoring you. However, before you "let" her help you out by babysitting again, you need to get your head straight about the level to which you can control how other people go about doing you favours.

DeathStare · 19/10/2016 04:15

but she clearly is not trustworthy for unsupervised responsibility for a child as she feels the whereabouts and activities a child is doing are none of the parents businesshmm
Do not leave your child unsupervised with an irrisponsible liar again

monsters Maybe in your case there were specific reasons why this was an issue, but in general with good grandparents taking care of a grandchild for the weekend this is ridiculous

What would you expect them to do? Phone the parent every ten minutes.....
going to the park now. Is that ok?
started raining. Going to the museum. Is that ok?
museum is shut. Going to soft play. Is that ok?
going to the supermarket. Is that ok?
stopping at the petrol station on the way. Is that ok?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 19/10/2016 04:17

This is clearly another wind up, no one would seriously think that they have the right to dictate what the grandparents can and can't so whilst babysitting, not unless they were ridiculously precious.

Since when have kids always had to have an activity to do?! It's perfectly OK for kids to fit in with what their caregivers are doing, mine certainly do Confused

MsJamieFraser · 19/10/2016 04:18

For me you Yabu, you cannot dictate what people do, even if it's your own child when it's you who has asked them to babysit.

toopeoply · 19/10/2016 04:21

Yabu - she's an adult and doing you a favour. You shouldn't have told her what she was and wasn't allowed to do with her time.

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