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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to talk to MIL

219 replies

TheSilentBang · 19/10/2016 00:05

I may be being unreasonable here but thought I'd ask.

At the weekend DH and I had a long planned weekend away with friends, which had been organised since the beginning of the year. We don't often ask grandparents to have the DC, but obviously did for this occasion.

At the start of the week MIL mentioned that they (mil and Fil) were going to take DC (who is 3) to a rugby match played by BIL. She said that DC could play on tablet whilst there. After a chat DH and I decided that we'd actually prefer them to not do that. There were a few reasons for this, which I'm not really going to go into here. It wasn't an important game or local - a 3.5 hour round trip - and they'd only decided to go because FIL wanted to go have a few beers at the clubhouse basically.

DH had a word with MIL and she said that they wouldn't go. So we went away and tried to call them at home late afternoon Saturday. We didn't get an answer so I asked DH to call MIL mobile, which he did. MIL answered and when she did it was obvious they weren't at home. When DH asked where she was she replied 'Me and DC are just picking up FIL from watching BIL play - we only stayed for 5 mins then went to a play gym and now we're picking Fil up and will go out for tea before going home.' Now MIL has form for lying/being secretive. I'm not sure whether to believe that she did actually take DC to a play gym as the club house is in the arse end of nowhere. Plus we know what her 5 minutes is like..it really isn't 5 minutes. She later mentioned that DC had been running up and down the pitch.

I am really annoyed that MIL was asked not to do something and has gone and done it anyway, after telling DH she wouldn't. When DC came home on Sunday and we asked what he'd done at the weekend he did talk about watching BIL play rugby for 'longer longer mummy'. To maybe make things worse MIL then rang yesterday to say how well behaved DC had been on Saturday, as if possibly trying to prove some kind of point. DH isn't pleased that MIL has completely ignored us but hasn't said a word to her yet.

AIBU to think that DH should tell his mum how out of order this was? MIL is wanting to have the other DC (who are older) next week as its half term, but I think a chat needs to take place first. I don't know if she thought she'd be able to get away with it, she only had to tell us because we'd effectively 'caught' her out. How would you handle this?

OP posts:
ohdearme1958 · 19/10/2016 09:16

Ohdearme yes babysitting is a favour especially a full weekend just because your grandparent doesn't mean that you should automatically babysit it's a favour not a right that you can ask but not expect a grandparent to babysit they have lives of their own other commitments

I think we'll just have to disagree on it being a favour. Smile

pictish · 19/10/2016 09:18

Personally I wouldn't dream of dictating the plans of someone good enough to have my kids for the weekend like you did. It takes self-important and ungracious to a whole new level in my opinion.

My mil has had ours for weekends in the past and it never occurred to us to even ask what their plans were, never mind step in and control them! I trust them to take care of my children while being thoroughly grateful for the chance of a break.

I think you are being completely unreasonable in making a fuss about the rugby match in the first place...I cannot fathom what your problem is about that, and then in being pissed off because they went to see their son anyway despite your demands. If I was mil and you came to me complaining about it, I'd tell you to fuck off and find someone else to babysit next time.
What a cheek. So rude. Get over yourself!

BlancheBlue · 19/10/2016 09:20

whats with the hatred of rugby clubs?

pizzapop · 19/10/2016 09:23

I think we'll just have to disagree on it being a favour.* 

What is it then? An obligation?

I can't really get past why the rugby match was such a big deal tbh, you sound a bit precious. As lies go it was a bit of a harmless one, as in the match really wasn't going to harm him was it? Who actually got hurt in this situation?

LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea · 19/10/2016 09:27

The OP asked her PILs not to do something and they agreed but did it anyway (and lied to her about it).

I'd be pissed off too op, and it would have an impact on how much I trusted them in future.

pregnantat50 · 19/10/2016 09:29

LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea - Same

Phineyj · 19/10/2016 09:30

YABU. You need to play the long game here. I'm not into rugby, but as adult leisure activities go, it's quite family friendly.

Wallywobbles · 19/10/2016 09:33

I'm probably in the minority here but GPs rules at GPs house. With a few exceptions. They are banned from hair cutting (mostly they ignore this) and ear piercing.

They are kind, responsible and love their gcs. The discussion pretty much stops there. Why should I piss on their parade? If it doesn't work they'll have learnt their lesson and won't do it again.

Millymollymanatee · 19/10/2016 09:34

Yes, all very well coming over as all judgemental about the OP's MIL but we don't know the full story.

Perhaps she agreed to have the DGC but her DH insisted on still going to the rugby. It may have been the easy option for her to lie rather than let down her DIL.

On the subject of the "lie" it hardly really matters IMHO. They took DGC and it was pretty much ok. I think the OP is BU in expecting to dictate what's happening for the entire weekend.

It would be entirely different if the DGC was taken to an orgy, drug taking frenzy, (insert your own horrific situation), but get real, this was a rugby match.

pictish · 19/10/2016 09:35

I think we need to know why OP was so dead against the rugby match that she expected her in laws to abandon their existing plans and go along with her demands, even though they were doing her and her dh a massive favour.

I just can't get my head around that you see. I can't begin to imagine what OP's reasoning against the match was, that justified such audacity.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/10/2016 09:36

I think she was making a point to you. You were being utterly ridiculously PFB about the rugby. There was clearly absolutely nothing wrong with their planned day out and she knew it.

She lied because you were being bonkers and she knew perfectly well that DS would be fine. He was indeed fine. Lying was not the best approach but not horrific in the circumstances.

pictish · 19/10/2016 09:37

Without knowing what the big problem with the rugby was, I say so what if they lied. It was a bonkers ask in the first place. I might have lied too.

pictish · 19/10/2016 09:38

I agree Rabbit.

KERALA1 · 19/10/2016 09:40

Agree Pictish. Pick your battles - this definitely not one worth having!

My in laws agreed 6 months in advance to have our dds so Dh and I could attend my sisters child free wedding. At which I was a bridesmaid. All my family at the wedding obv. They pulled out a week before - reason given "we may have some paperwork to do".

ayeokthen · 19/10/2016 09:40

If they'd asked to have your DS because they explicitly wanted to spend time with him, I'd think ywbu.
But they had him so you and your DH could do what you wanted to do, so it's a bit rich dictating what they can do at the same time.

BlancheBlue · 19/10/2016 09:42

I dont think the OP is coming back

TroubleinDaFamily · 19/10/2016 09:43

Presents good side for Daily Mail shoot. Grin

I rather suspect that was click bait. Sad

diddl · 19/10/2016 09:44

I don't think that they should have lied.

MIL could have stayed behind & FIL gone to the rugby, or they should have said that they couldn't do it.

If Op didn't want her son at the rugby then I don't think that it's up to MIL to do it.

If you don't trust her, don't let her have the others.

What does your husband think about it all?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/10/2016 09:47

But they had him so you and your DH could do what you wanted to do, so it's a bit rich dictating what they can do at the same time.

Exactly.

Don't go away on your own and then dictate what MIL does whilst you are away.

If you are that bothered take your DC with you.

Justjoseph · 19/10/2016 09:58

I think it's about trust.
It's a big deal to leave a three year old with someone. You need to be able to trust them.
They lied to you, ignored you and you clearly can't trust them.

Oldraver · 19/10/2016 10:03

Yes your MIL was out of order for lying to you...but you had it coming. Totally ridiculous of you to tell them not to take him to Rugby, I think you should apologise to her for trying to set silly rules

Butteredpars1ps · 19/10/2016 10:05

BIL phones his Parents "do you want to come to the rugby match at the weekend?"

Parents "of course, we have grandchild that weekend, he can come too. Family day out"

DIL phones "you won't take PFB to the rugby will you?"

Parents "oh shit"

ShmooBooMoo · 19/10/2016 10:07

Pick your battles!

MIL shouldn't not have lied. However, she wouldn't have felt the need to had you been reasonable. Where was the harm in taking him to a rugby match to watch his uncle?
They freed you up to have an enjoyable break with friends. Your child was returned unscathed and no worse for the experience.
Your approach is making your MIL secretive to be honest.
If they are kind enough to babysit again trust them to do as they see fit with your DS. After all, you chose their son so they must have done something right.
I'd actually give your inlaws a little gift. They were very kind to have DS while you went away.

mrsm43s · 19/10/2016 10:12

You are being completely unreasonable to dictate what MIL does whilst she is babysitting. Rugby match seems a perfectly reasonable activity.

Whilst its not great that MIL lied, you'd forced her into a situation where she only really had two choices - lie, or confront you head on and point out your unreasonableness. She chose the path of least resistance, which was lying.

I'd have probably done what she did tbh.

I would never, ever, ever think I had the right to dictate what activities my parents/in laws are allowed to do when they are doing me the favour of babysitting my children. I either trust their judgement, in which case they get to choose the activities and plan their own time, or I don't, in which case I don't leave my children with them, and I make other arrangements for childcare.

Starryeyed16 · 19/10/2016 10:23

Babysitting not a favour? Course it is you have the child not your parents they had you or your DH. They are responsibility. If they are kind to look after them great if not you suck it up. Of course it's favour especially all weekend🙄

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