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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to talk to MIL

219 replies

TheSilentBang · 19/10/2016 00:05

I may be being unreasonable here but thought I'd ask.

At the weekend DH and I had a long planned weekend away with friends, which had been organised since the beginning of the year. We don't often ask grandparents to have the DC, but obviously did for this occasion.

At the start of the week MIL mentioned that they (mil and Fil) were going to take DC (who is 3) to a rugby match played by BIL. She said that DC could play on tablet whilst there. After a chat DH and I decided that we'd actually prefer them to not do that. There were a few reasons for this, which I'm not really going to go into here. It wasn't an important game or local - a 3.5 hour round trip - and they'd only decided to go because FIL wanted to go have a few beers at the clubhouse basically.

DH had a word with MIL and she said that they wouldn't go. So we went away and tried to call them at home late afternoon Saturday. We didn't get an answer so I asked DH to call MIL mobile, which he did. MIL answered and when she did it was obvious they weren't at home. When DH asked where she was she replied 'Me and DC are just picking up FIL from watching BIL play - we only stayed for 5 mins then went to a play gym and now we're picking Fil up and will go out for tea before going home.' Now MIL has form for lying/being secretive. I'm not sure whether to believe that she did actually take DC to a play gym as the club house is in the arse end of nowhere. Plus we know what her 5 minutes is like..it really isn't 5 minutes. She later mentioned that DC had been running up and down the pitch.

I am really annoyed that MIL was asked not to do something and has gone and done it anyway, after telling DH she wouldn't. When DC came home on Sunday and we asked what he'd done at the weekend he did talk about watching BIL play rugby for 'longer longer mummy'. To maybe make things worse MIL then rang yesterday to say how well behaved DC had been on Saturday, as if possibly trying to prove some kind of point. DH isn't pleased that MIL has completely ignored us but hasn't said a word to her yet.

AIBU to think that DH should tell his mum how out of order this was? MIL is wanting to have the other DC (who are older) next week as its half term, but I think a chat needs to take place first. I don't know if she thought she'd be able to get away with it, she only had to tell us because we'd effectively 'caught' her out. How would you handle this?

OP posts:
pregnantat50 · 19/10/2016 10:25

i think this may be a reverse

SaucyJack · 19/10/2016 10:46

If you look at the username of the poster who suggested spending time with the GC was not done as a favour to the parents, then it's highly possible she's posting from the perspective of the grandparent herself.

wish she was my MIL

yes I'm projecting

BertrandRussell · 19/10/2016 10:49

I don't think it's a reverse. The same, or worse, appears on here every day. Usually with a crowd of people on the OP's side, advising them to never let the mil ever look after the child again.

JennyM9275 · 19/10/2016 10:58

I can't believe that pp are justifying MiL because she was "free childcare". It does not give carte blanche to go against parents wishes and then lie about it.
Regardless of being paid/unpaid care surely a parent has a right to request an active is not done if they don't think it's appropriate?
However the big issue here is that MiL agreed to the request and then took DS to the rugby match anyway, and then lied about it. That is wrong - free childcare or not!

Atenco · 19/10/2016 11:04

Honestly. I'm at a loss to understand when granny having the kids became doing a favor

I'm a grandmother and find this comment incomprehensible.

gotthemoononastick · 19/10/2016 11:21

What we would find most annoying as IL's is the deliberate' checking up' phone call in 'rugby time' to 'catch them out'.
If one of our sons were coerced into this it would be disappointing.

HazelBite · 19/10/2016 11:22

I think the Op is very lucky to have someone who is prepared to look after her DC's while she and her DH go away for the weekend.
DS1 was 19 and able and willing to look after his three younger brothers before DH and I had a weekend away to ourselves.
That's 19 years without a child free break, count yourself lucky OP!

TheDowagerCuntess · 19/10/2016 18:27

OK Jenny so it's easily fixed.

No more child-free weekends away for the OP and her DH. Sorted.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 19/10/2016 18:36

The fact that it was a rugby match wasn't a red herring, as to decide wether or not MIL was being unreasonable for going against your wishes, one needs to know how ridiculously precious your demands were in the first place.

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 19/10/2016 18:42

Please dont go to the rugby match because my child has croup - YANBU

Please don't go to the ruby match because I don't want my child to go on the tablet when they should be doing worthy activities - YABU

Madeyemoodysmum · 19/10/2016 18:46

I think you are being silly about the match. If they have him all weekend then within reason they get to plan activities and a rugby match tho boring is not dangerous. However it would majorly pee me off they went over my and dh wishes and did it anyway. So for that id be mad as hell and be making sure dh is very firm about what would happen if they did it again. A rugby match is not the occasion tho but that's my opinion.

WetsTheFinger · 19/10/2016 18:48

Ffs. Unclench Hmm

HardcoreLadyType · 19/10/2016 19:02

Sorry, YABU.

I know grandparents often like to spend time with their DGC, but this was arranged for a weekend convenient to you. It was therefore done as a favour to you.

Going to a rugby match was not a terrible thing for your DS to have to do. Maybe not the most exciting activity that could have been planned, but actually children often like to tag along to things adults are doing. I used to like to go and watch my DGP play lawn bowls, when I stayed with them. And I liked shopping at different supermarkets, and going to a different bank, and following them round when they were pottering in the garden. (Etc.)

The lie. Well, that's what is known as a social lie. A "what she don't know, won't hurt her" kind of lie. If you hadn't made an unreasonable request, she wouldn't have felt she needed to deceive you.

I find it's usually best to save putting your foot down over things that really matter. Like car seats. If you try to micro manage everything, people just switch off. If you're usually easy going, but have strict boundaries when needed, people tend to listen.

ohdearme1958 · 19/10/2016 19:10

If you look at the username of the poster who suggested spending time with the GC was not done as a favour to the parents, then it's highly possible she's posting from the perspective of the grandparent herself

Spot on. 😀 I'm a day to day hands on Nana to 6 and I don't be grudge my children, (and I include their partners in that) or my grandchildren a minute of my time.

And I'd mentioned being a grandma pages ago but I guess it was missed.

RitchyBestingFace · 19/10/2016 19:16

Good for you. My DM (like many grandparents) works full time in a physically demanding job. I'm sure she'd love to be 'day to day, hands on' she wouldn't but that's the reality.

RitchyBestingFace · 19/10/2016 19:19

YABU - and yes, I agree with PPs that the MIL felt torn between wanting to support BIL (her DS I assume) and also make sure you had your weekend away. So she told a white lie.

FlabulousChic · 19/10/2016 19:23

So when they put themselves out to have your kids they can't do anything other than what's acceptable to you? I don't see what your problem is as long as they are well cared for that's all that matters. Next time get a different sitter.

ANewStartOverseas · 19/10/2016 19:24

May I remind posters that it the OP's DH, aka the FATHER who told HIS mum that they didnt think the match was a suitable idea for a 3yo.

As far as I can see, The FATHER is just as involved in this as the OP. And he was the one who told his mum that he wasnt happy with it. NOT the OP.

It is not, in this instance, an issue between MIL and DIL but between mother and son.

Original poster
TheSilentBang · 19/10/2016 19:26

I said on the first page that I accepted that I was being unreasonable and neither of us will say anything to MiL about it. There were a few reasons why we didn't want DC to go but I've seen how these things go when you come back and are then accused of drip feeding, so I'm not going to go into it.

I think some of you have completely taken this all out of proportion - none of you know anything about me and yet I am being made out to be some nightmare of a DiL who makes lots of demands. This is the first time that we have ever asked if they wouldn't do something, normally quite happy for them to 'get on with it' and they (at their own request) take DC on little trips or whatever which we're more than happy for them to do. It was just this one time we had asked otherwise. We were told yes that was ok but it was done anyway. If we'd have been told that actually it was tough then at least it would have been mil being upfront about it. I haven't ever given mil any reason to lie or be secretive - that's the type of person she can be, mainly with Fil, and I mentioned it because I thought it was relevant. Yes I am very appreciative of any help that's been given and no I wouldn't ever stop the in laws or my own parents from seeing DC.

I'm leaving this thread now. Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 19/10/2016 19:27

"After a chat DH and I decided that we'd actually prefer them to not do that."

No idea who was taking the lead.

Trifleorbust · 19/10/2016 19:29

It is not 'odd' to take your grandchild with you to do your food shop FGS. It is a simple case of taking them with you whilst you get done what you need to get done. And yes, it is fine for them to be in the trolley Hmm

ohdearme1958 · 19/10/2016 20:26

Good for you. My DM (like many grandparents) works full time in a physically demanding job. I'm sure she'd love to be 'day to day, hands on' she wouldn't but that's the reality

I understand. Providing round the clock 2-1 care to my severely disabled son even with the help of 4 full time carers, and one part time carer working in shifts, is also very demanding.

pictish · 19/10/2016 21:02

I'm sorry we didn't know your reason for opposing the rugby match psychically. I know we should have engaged our mind reading powers before replying...how remiss of us.

As it is you haven't given us much to go on other than seeming disproportionately disagreeable. Maybe you should have let on in the first place?

Cherrysoup · 19/10/2016 22:06

Rugby match isn't a red herring, you decided after they said they were going that you didn't want him to. You sound a little PFB, sorry.

BlancheBlue · 19/10/2016 22:41

Another typical AIBU

Original Poster "I am pissed off with x, how dare they do this, pfb etc etc, dont you all agree with me?"

Replies: "No, sounds a bit mad"

OP: "Sobs, I am misunderstood, why aren't people backing me up, there are other reasons but I don't want to drip etc etc"