To think this is VERY weird behaviour?

[fruitysmoothie]

PLEASE READ

I apologise in advance as this is a MIL and partly FIL thread!! I just have to get this of my chest!!

I'm so sick of feeling like there are 4 people in my marriage :(

Basically, MIL FaceTimes consistently everyday whilst my DH makes tea (he cooks most meals, I do majority of housekeeping as I'm rubbish at cooking). She literally is propped up in the kitchen watching him make tea, then she wants to speak to my DD, so all in all about a 30min video call, this is EVERYDAY and can often sometimes be more than once! It doesn't matter where we are either, we can be in Tesco and she'll FaceTime and then we will say 'we're just shopping at the moment' but she'll be like 'there's wifi isn't there'?! An example of this was the other day, we were waiting for a taxi and she FaceTimed, the taxi arrived, DH said he had to go because the taxi was here, she said 'you can still speak whilst your in a taxi'?! Well NO, no we cannot, we would like to run our errands in peace (or at least I would)! DH doesn't see a problem with this level of daily communication.... AIBU?

Then there is the CONSTANT asking for my DD to stay overnight.... my DD is 4 and has just started school... now, I wouldn't have a problem with this BUT we live 100 miles away and we DONT drive so basically, if anything happened to my daughter I have NO way of getting there and even if I did find a way, it would take an hour and a half to do so (3 hours and £80 later on a train) and at 4 years old, I'm just not keen on that idea.... plus when she did used to have her when we lived in the same town she did not follow any of my instructions in regards to DD.... I'm not comfortable with it at all quite frankly and so I have said no, maybe when she's a little older etc.... but because my DH doesn't have a problem with her going (which is fine, he's entitled to his own opinion) she deliberately talks to him when I'm not there, piling on the pressure, making plans behind my back which I just think is so so rude and sneaky. I'd say she starts banging on about it at least once a month and this has been for at least a year now it's bad enough that she won't take no for an answer but he sneakiness is just not on.... AIBU?

Then, I found out, when I was at the height of a previous mental illness (severe anxiety) and was actually having a panic attack, she was talking to DH and instead of offering support for him and me, you know like 'if you need to talk' or 'if you need to have an hour to yourself' blah blah blah... well instead of that, she basically was talking to him about maybe leaving me?! Bearing in mind we've been together for 6 years, happily married AND i stood by him through two separate addictions?! During which she was nowhere to be seen! In fact, she chucked him out?! So to find this out I was massively upset, disgusted rather... AIBU?

And to top everything off DH FIL rings MULTIPLE times a day?! Yes, multiple! On an average day he'll ring around 8am, 11am, 2pm, 5pm (this is a FaceTime call) and sometimes 10pm.... basically, he asks the same thing in each of these phone calls and it goes as follows -

What's the weather like?
What have you had for tea?
What are you having for tea?
Have you been out?
Are you going out?
How much did that cost?
Where's DGD?
Put DGD on?
What time were you up?

AIBU to think his level of contact each and everyday is excessive and unhealthy? AIBU to feel like I don't want DH parents to know the ins and outs of our daily life? AIBU to want some privacy? Especially when shopping, getting in a car, walking around town or eating my tea?! My husband doesn't see a problem with it which has in turn caused problems between us recently, in fact, we had a blazing row about his mum on Friday we hardly ever row but when we do, it tends to be about this same situation... I have gone from absolutely loving his mum to still loving her but resenting her and not enjoying time spent with her knowing what she has said and knowing what that she will try and pressure me in regards to DD....

AIBU to just want a glass of ?!

Goodness, I feel so so ashamed for feeling like this, the guilt is eating me up but I'm just so fed up of course, I love them all but blimey, they are driving me NUTS!!

She is angry at you because she wants control of DH.
She is angry at you because she wants control of DD.
Tough shit. Why would you expose DD to this level of emotional abuse? Ignore.

I am definitely ignoring for the time being fc301

and to you.

I'm in a similar, but not the same position with my DH and his DM. He's gone no contact for the time being, with her and his stepfather.
sadly I didn't get to call her a bitch and tell her to fuck off though

This thread and the responses have been helpful to me too. I hope your DH sticks up for you in future more, and you remain a united front.

What a bloody nightmare family! I agree with pickled, MIL sounds very personality disordered and therefore incredibly unlikely to change. DH has grown up with emotional control masquerading as love and concern and seems to take the 'I'm not getting involved' route when things blow up (ie when MIL doesn't get her own way).

Imo you can tell a lot about someone by their behaviour when things don't go their way. And she is a controlling, aggressive, narcissistic woman. FIL sounds more like he makes the calls almost automatically, very strange. Any idea why MIL and FIL broke up?

I would be aiming to limit DD's exposure to this woman - she is clearly not a good role model in terms of boundaries, privacy or conflict resolution!

You've said a couple of times that you're afraid to push the issue with DH - is this because you think this could be a deal (marriage) breaker?

Ultimately, you can't change another person's behaviour, no matter how much you want to. The only thing you can change is your response to their behaviour, and that can include refusing to engage in the messed up dynamics and game playing.

My guess would be that MIL behaves like this to demonstrate that she is still the most important person in DH's life and that her needs override anyone else's.

She is probably very insecure and fills her inner void with constant reminders of her own importance.

I would probably deal with it by absenting myself and wandering off every time she calls. If shopping I'd bugger off with DD and the trolley and just get on with the shopping. If in the house I'd find something to do in another room or the garden or go for a walk. Otherwise I would scream and scream and scream!

Oh no, sorry to hear that outnumbered, it's a very difficult situation to be in

and to you too

Thanks neuro, and you are right about me being worried to broach the subject with DH.... I often do worry whether it could break our marriage and of course I don't want that to happen but I can't just deal with this for the rest of my life either so I guess I have no choice but to start dealing with the situation for my own sanity and hope that DH stands by me...

Just an update for you guys....

We still haven't heard anything from MIL which I regret to say has been well needed and very refreshing although FIL has been in touch 3X a day still....

The biggest thing for me however is that since this all happened (the actual blow up a few weeks back where everything came to a head) I have felt SO depressed and confused it may sound silly but honestly, this has deeply deeply affected me on a massive scale.... perhaps this is because I have a history of anxiety/depression. And this is just making me so resentful I've been questioning everything... especially my parenting after the hurtful things she said about me as a mother everyday I'm questioning whether I could be doing more/need to do more/should've done more/should of read that book/watched that movie/should I have told her off for that etc etc etc.... it's horrible and I just feel like a sh** mum to be honest I've been questioning every little thing I do with DD ever since and have fell into this depressive and snappy mood.....

Don't know what to do to be honest....

You were doing an excellent job before that mean and spiteful woman had a strop. I know its easier said than done, but you've got to stop second guessing yourself. You're taking excellent care of your child.

Could you be feeling anxious because the situation isn't actually resolved? Sure, she's gone 'silent' but you don't really know when/if she'll pop up, do you? If there'd been a big blowout with her and she flounced away with 'Fine, I shall never speak to you again' or something then at least you'd have something to hang your hat on. As it is, you're waiting for the other shoe to drop (or phone to ring).

I know it's hard, but try to 'enjoy' this bit of peace a moment at a time. We none of us can control tomorrow, but we can enjoy today. You're a wonderful mum, but remember that all of us mum's have doubted ourselves at one time or another.

Do you think you'd find it helpful to have some short term counseling to help you find out and work through exactly what's bothering you?

Thank you for your kind words rumplestiltskin43

Thanks acrossthepond55 and yes, I think some form of short term counselling might be good for me... if nothing else just as an outlet!! I'm so stressed and tense at the moment :( and yes your right... I think it is to do with the tension of waiting for the phone to ring or for her to get in touch as I just don't know what to expect now as I never expected her to say the things she said...

Hey guys! Just an update... things are still sour with the MIL, she only rings once a week to speak to DD (I'm not complaining though, SO much better than once/twice a day) what I am bothered about however is her snide type remarks whilst she is on the phone to her (knowing I can hear her). A few weeks back she also rang DH and knowing I wasn't in at the time she started things up again, calling me names, saying I was doing this and that etc but luckily DH stood up for me and told her she was out of order and has said some really nasty things then put the phone down!! I was shocked to say the least! Especially as I wasn't in at the time. It's nice to know he stood up for me though... he's completely changed his tune...

However, it appears that the whole situation has triggered my Depression again, I'm currently scoring 72 out of 100 on the Depression scale so it looks like I have relapsed. I'm not blaming my relapse completely on what has happened but it has been a major trigger as I felt fine before it BUT I will get through it, I've done it before and I can do it again!! Hopefully it's just a short bout.

As for the FIL, he's still ringing just as often which is a pain. DH has started only answering once a day most days which has been a massive change however I still feel it's far to much but willing to compromise I've also started making a point to FIL when he asks personal things like how much something cost or where we want or how we afforded this/that... I've started saying 'never you mind' in a humorous voice so sort of making it a bit of a joke which seems to be working!

Gosh! It just seems so much effort all the time for really simple, silly things I can't help feeling like this is all just so stupid and childish and can't understand how these people can't see that

Sorry things are still a bit 'off' (to put it mildly). I hope you've seen your GP and/or a counselor about the depression.

OK, first off tell your DH that if his mother calls and rants about you when you are not there, you do not want to know about it. Your right to be peaceful and avoid depression trumps his need to 'vent'. And if you have been, don't ask him if she's called, ignorance is bliss. If you feel you need a 'middle ground', agree that he can say she called, she was a bitch, and that he told her off. NO SPECIFICS. "Don't ask, don't tell" as it were.

As far as speaking ill of you to your DD, the very first time I heard a snide remark, I would terminate the conversation immediately. A breezy "Ok, DD, that's all for now we must get busy with our day/go to the shop/whatever, tell Granny bye bye" and ZAP. The woman isn't stupid, she'll get why you're doing it. If she carries on despite this on future calls, then it's time to stop the contact. Your right to not have your relationship with your DD undermined trumps MiLs desire to have contact with DD.

I agree with how you two are handling FiL. Limit calls and no personal or financial ammunition information.

It may seem childish, but if it is childish it's because they are acting like children, not because of anything you or DH have done. And remember that things do become routine. Pretty soon it'll become simply the 'way things are' and you'll have your 'bag of tricks' to easily dip into to deflect them.

I agree, I would be monitoring every second of the calls between MIL and DD and ending the conversation immediately that she makes any snide comments or insults towards/about you.

Disgusting that MIL will use her GC to get at you and you must protect your DD from it and from MIL toxic ways. It will be very confusing for her as she gets older and her sense of loyalty to family members will be tested. It's not fair.

You are in the driving seat now with this - stay in control and don't let MIL trample over any boundaries now in place. Good luck OP.

That is a lot of contact but they sound like they mean well. I mean it's better than in laws that don't bother at all. Without trying to be horrible It sounds to me that you may be a bit of a control freak! When you say she doesn't follow your instructions with regards to the care of your dd , what sort of instructions are these? When my children go to stay with their grandparents I see that as a treat and the grandparents can care for my Dd's as they see fit (they have fantastic grandparents on each side of the family) whether that means staying up later than usual or chocolate for breakfast! It doesn't hurt does it?

RTFT. OP you are sooo NOT a control freak and your MIL doesn't mean well. How anyone could draw that conclusion is beyond me.

Thank you acrossthepond for your support and advice on how to deal with things... I agree with a lot of what you say!

Also thank you neefs for your support and I agree, it seems disgusting the way she is making snide remarks whilst on the phone to DD gutted but trying to ignore it where I can.... and thanks for your support RE the comment made by charlottelouisa... actually feel gutted someone would think that but trying to focus on the fact she is the only one who has said that out of hundreds of people!!

Charlottelouisa, sorry but I just do not agree one little bit, as you've said you've got 'fantastic' GP and in my opinion, if my DD is staying anywhere I expect rules and boundaries to be in place.... I'm not saying they can't treat her by any means (late bedtime, more chocolate than usual etc) but a line is drawn with certain things in my opinion and no, I don't believe they should be given 'free reign'....

I don't think you should ignore the snide remarks either. I know my nearly 5 year old would find them very unsettling. I think you/your dh need to tell her that her calls to your dd are conditional on her being pleasant about you.

I'm sorry it has kicked off your depression again 💐

Don't let her talk to DD. Next time she calls tell her, or tell DH to if he answers, that you (as in both of you) will not have her talking to DD like that. If she can't show you any respect, she doesn't get to talk to YOUR daughter.

She really hasn't learnt anything from this yet.

Thanks applemagic! And annieanonimouse you are so right, she hasn't learnt anything at all from this.... she still things she's done nothing wrong I can't begin to tell you how frustrating that is....

To make a point can you ask your mum to ring you as much as his does? So basically when one call ends, your mum's starts for the same length of time? Just for a week so basically he can see from your point of view?

You do need to speak to him. I'd be inclined to write down every bit of contact for 7 days. How many times certain topics have been raised and how long in minutes the conversations are taking up. Then when you talk to him about it you can say X many hours are spent of his 'free' non working time are spent speaking to his parents. This topic was raised 5 times when it only needed one phone call etc...
Work it out with a percentage of free time so take out working and sleeping hours. It may work if it's hard facts. He's probably be shocked by the sums.

Ignore above. Sorry I hadn't quite reached your update. Sorry you are suffering with Depression again. I hope this issue resolves itself and MIL gets a grip and stops being a Smother instead of a Mother to her son.

I had this with my aunt who faced time to speak to DS.At first it was fine but then like you it was daily and it was driving mad so I disabled video chat ( as she called via Facebook ) .

I can totally relate to how intrusive this level of contact feels. PIL call everyday and ask about every little detail - my family are close but don't need to know every little thing so I find it quite rude. FIL will recommend a film or something and then badger us til we watch it
"Have you watched it yet? So when are you going to watch it?"
MIL enjoys telling me things DH has told her in a "I want you to know I know this" kind of way. Does my head in.
Sorry to hear how things escalated in your situation

Thank you stripeyblanket and yep I totally agree!!

Ladygrinningsoul I wish I could do that sometimes! Ha! But they are quite tech savvy so would probably use another method

Anyfarrahfowler I'm so sorry to hear your in a similar situation I know how frustrating it can be. My FIL is exactly the same with things like that!! Sounds trivial to most people but when it's all the time it gets to a point you just can deal with it anymore! If you need to talk at any point feel free to PM me

Ladygrinningsoul did you find the issue resolved after doing that?