To think this is VERY weird behaviour?

[fruitysmoothie]

PLEASE READ

I apologise in advance as this is a MIL and partly FIL thread!! I just have to get this of my chest!!

I'm so sick of feeling like there are 4 people in my marriage :(

Basically, MIL FaceTimes consistently everyday whilst my DH makes tea (he cooks most meals, I do majority of housekeeping as I'm rubbish at cooking). She literally is propped up in the kitchen watching him make tea, then she wants to speak to my DD, so all in all about a 30min video call, this is EVERYDAY and can often sometimes be more than once! It doesn't matter where we are either, we can be in Tesco and she'll FaceTime and then we will say 'we're just shopping at the moment' but she'll be like 'there's wifi isn't there'?! An example of this was the other day, we were waiting for a taxi and she FaceTimed, the taxi arrived, DH said he had to go because the taxi was here, she said 'you can still speak whilst your in a taxi'?! Well NO, no we cannot, we would like to run our errands in peace (or at least I would)! DH doesn't see a problem with this level of daily communication.... AIBU?

Then there is the CONSTANT asking for my DD to stay overnight.... my DD is 4 and has just started school... now, I wouldn't have a problem with this BUT we live 100 miles away and we DONT drive so basically, if anything happened to my daughter I have NO way of getting there and even if I did find a way, it would take an hour and a half to do so (3 hours and £80 later on a train) and at 4 years old, I'm just not keen on that idea.... plus when she did used to have her when we lived in the same town she did not follow any of my instructions in regards to DD.... I'm not comfortable with it at all quite frankly and so I have said no, maybe when she's a little older etc.... but because my DH doesn't have a problem with her going (which is fine, he's entitled to his own opinion) she deliberately talks to him when I'm not there, piling on the pressure, making plans behind my back which I just think is so so rude and sneaky. I'd say she starts banging on about it at least once a month and this has been for at least a year now it's bad enough that she won't take no for an answer but he sneakiness is just not on.... AIBU?

Then, I found out, when I was at the height of a previous mental illness (severe anxiety) and was actually having a panic attack, she was talking to DH and instead of offering support for him and me, you know like 'if you need to talk' or 'if you need to have an hour to yourself' blah blah blah... well instead of that, she basically was talking to him about maybe leaving me?! Bearing in mind we've been together for 6 years, happily married AND i stood by him through two separate addictions?! During which she was nowhere to be seen! In fact, she chucked him out?! So to find this out I was massively upset, disgusted rather... AIBU?

And to top everything off DH FIL rings MULTIPLE times a day?! Yes, multiple! On an average day he'll ring around 8am, 11am, 2pm, 5pm (this is a FaceTime call) and sometimes 10pm.... basically, he asks the same thing in each of these phone calls and it goes as follows -

What's the weather like?
What have you had for tea?
What are you having for tea?
Have you been out?
Are you going out?
How much did that cost?
Where's DGD?
Put DGD on?
What time were you up?

AIBU to think his level of contact each and everyday is excessive and unhealthy? AIBU to feel like I don't want DH parents to know the ins and outs of our daily life? AIBU to want some privacy? Especially when shopping, getting in a car, walking around town or eating my tea?! My husband doesn't see a problem with it which has in turn caused problems between us recently, in fact, we had a blazing row about his mum on Friday we hardly ever row but when we do, it tends to be about this same situation... I have gone from absolutely loving his mum to still loving her but resenting her and not enjoying time spent with her knowing what she has said and knowing what that she will try and pressure me in regards to DD....

AIBU to just want a glass of ?!

Goodness, I feel so so ashamed for feeling like this, the guilt is eating me up but I'm just so fed up of course, I love them all but blimey, they are driving me NUTS!!

Absolutely, should be the end of it.

Imagine if it were the dad not happy to have grandparent over-night-stays with other set of grandparents? I expect the MIL would be up in arms on behalf of her son.

What about parents who expect their own parents (the grand parents) to look after kids, have kids to stay or do childcare when grandparents don't want to. I am sure many would feel we should support grandparents right not to be involved beyond the level they are comfortable with, within reason. So it goes both ways.

Wow!
I've read some of the thread but not all.
My husband is a mammas boy so I get what you mean OP, he doesn't speak to his parents daily though but we do tend to have to see them weekly.
They also go on and on about taking him out for the day and I don't particularly trust them.
Now that I have a boy, I can understand wanting to talk to your child a lot when they've moved out but it really seems excessive.
Perhaps his parents have issues and their son is the one thing they have in common?
I would show this thread to your husband to show how serious you are and how upset you are. I'd agree a limit to when and how you contact them, if they don't stick to it then tell your DH he has to stick to the agreement.

I'd also be MAD AS HELL about her suggesting he left you and this is what I'd be focusing on and in fact this would be enough for me to cut contact from me and my child! Its disgusting in fact!

Good Luck OP!

I don't think DH speaking to his DM while cooking is excessive. I call my mum everyday in the morning while packing lunches, and DH calls his mum on the way to work for a 5-10 min chat most days.
BUT, its just individual chats while we're pottering about the kitchen or walking to the tube etc - not intruding on the other person in the house. YANBU at all to say the multiple phone calls and persistent calling by both MIL and FIL are excessive.
Add to it all the other things about trying to drive a wedge in your relationship or undermine your authority and it sounds painful.

But I agree you don't have a PIL problem you have a DH problem. He needs to view the 3 of you - you him and DC - as a unit and prioritise your collective wellbeing / privacy and quality time together. Nothing wrong if he chats with parents once a day, but it sounds like you have no time for any other "family time" without ILs disembodied heads being a part of the conversation!!

Thank you polarbearlover14

I'm starting to see what I need to do but having the guts to do it is another thing gosh... I can be a wimp sometimes!! I just hate confrontation

It's easier for him to upset you rather than his parents. You need to ensure it is the other way round!

Just speak calmly, and put your point across, if he rants, let him, but don't change your tune. Good luck OP, you never know, he too, may be secretly glad to address the situation.

Once you have pointed this issue out to your husband, it is up to HIM to deal with his parents and let them know that the concern over their behaviour comes from HIM. In fact he could present it as a concern about their lack of having a life and being so dependent on the contact and why don't they get out and do something instead of wasting hours of their lives on facetime

That would drive me bonkers and I'd have to do something about it.

MiL calls every day, often more than once and it does my head in. If we don't answer for whatever reason, she'll leave an anxious-sounding message asking DH to call her back asap. He gets worried thinking something's wrong, calls her back and she was just ringing to see how he was. Infuriating.

Bolivaratlastco I feel your pain

This sounds like he actually has an very unhealthy relationship with his parents, and I agree, I suspect they are in competition. How on earth does he manage to work with all these calls and interruptions? I would seriously worry that it will impact on his performance, unless of course they leave him alone when he is at work.

I think the only thing you can focus on is your relationship and your family. This appears to be seriously affecting it. With work/school etc the three of you will have little time all together, and the ILs are having a deterimental affect on this time. You really need to sit him down and explain that you cannot continue like this any longer. He needs to invest in his relationship and family and loosen the ties to his parents. Ultimately this is his decision to make. How old is he, out of interest? Otherwise I'm afraid you really have to consider whether you want to continue with this long term. You sound very unhappy.

Good luck OP.

There is no solution here that will not upset these overpossessive PIL. You need to reduce the contact by offering something better to your DH. He is in thrall to a mother who thinks she has rights over your family life. To get this reduced you have to change his mindset and this will upset her.

Is FIL calling you? If so I think you do not answer these questions more than once. Be busy,very busy and "we talked about this before."
Cut them short have wifi problems and password prolems and talk to your partner about how unhappy this is making you. Keep talking to him. If she rings keep talking so he is unable to answer if he is polite.
It will be a slow change but in time he needs to recognise that you are no 1 woman in his life.
It sounds horrendous and i think you need to be upset often enough for DH to put you first.

Good grief, that's a ridiculous amount of contact. I only speak to my parents every couple of weeks, but I do text my mum almost daily on a FB group chat with sis.

My 19 & 17 year old "children" are not in daily contact - too wrapped up with Uni life and friends etc. I wouldn't dream of contacting them this much.

I don't know what the answer is, because your DH doesn't seem to mind, but this would drive me insane!

Trulybadlydeeply - he's is 25....

*he is

Somehow the fact that he's 25 makes this all the more surprising. Most young men of that age are desperate to show their independence from their parents.

I'd be tempted to "break" the Facetime system on Christmas morning.

What on earth is wrong with the woman.
She doesn't need, and shouldn't want, to know the ins and out of your everyday life, it's not healthy.
Your DH needs to grow a pair.
He could chat with his Mum, in his lunch hour, or his own time.
He needs to install some boundaries.
Does she not like you OP ?

Sugarpie - she used to but I'm beginning to think not so much anymore as I've started to disagree with her

And say no to her on certain things

Ah, I see, the Matriarch, a bit of a control freak, perhaps !
Well good for you, but do push your DH forward.
Silly woman, this can't go on, especially every tea time, it'd drive me crazy.
The FIL also, maybe instead of all of his phone calls, you could make a deal with him, that he could come round for tea, once a week !
Or maybe not ☹️

fruity could you perhaps start small and suggest there has to be some time everyday that is just your little family time. Obviously it means that you'd have to also make sure your wider family don't call, or that you deal with them appropriately if they do. Maybe say he can FaceTime during cooking but then after that no more calls until dd is in bed maybe. not sure of your family timings but hopefully that makes some sense. And then make sure he sticks with it.

You have a problem with your DH not his parents.
They will continue as long as he is ok with it. He should be listening to you and dealing with it and if he refuses you need to really look at your relationship.
His parents may he lonely and can't let g of him but they won't suddenly change so it's up to their son to put a stop to it.
He doesn't have to answer every call. He can tell them what times are convenient.

Please do not sacrifice your special times like present opening to your on laws. just say (if you agree) that grandma and grandad can find out bout the presents after they are opened. They will get to see dd open the presents they give, in person or via screen at a suitable mutually agreed time. If Dh is not co-operative run down the charge on all devices or hide except for one emergency phone. It reallu is not necessarily to share everything!

If MIL moans ask her if her own parents or in laws saw every family activity? She will say no because they did n't have Face time! But you will never know how happy she would have been to share via social media with own parents or in laws!

And even if she did, you are different people and she needs to know things are changing. Dd is older now and needs some family privacy, IMHO.

I know you said it's your DH's phone, but if you're able to access it while he's in the bathroom or something, just go to Settings > FaceTime and switch FaceTime off. Plead innocence when/if he notices.

Oh. But then I guess MIL would just call in the normal way anyway. Hmm.

This whole thing would drive me crackers. I'd have to have serious words with DH because I don't think I'd be able to cope with this level of intrusion.

Your all right DH doesn't see an issue and everytime I bring it up it turns into an argument I'm just getting to the point now where I can't be dealing with it anymore!!!!