To think this is VERY weird behaviour?

[fruitysmoothie]

PLEASE READ

I apologise in advance as this is a MIL and partly FIL thread!! I just have to get this of my chest!!

I'm so sick of feeling like there are 4 people in my marriage :(

Basically, MIL FaceTimes consistently everyday whilst my DH makes tea (he cooks most meals, I do majority of housekeeping as I'm rubbish at cooking). She literally is propped up in the kitchen watching him make tea, then she wants to speak to my DD, so all in all about a 30min video call, this is EVERYDAY and can often sometimes be more than once! It doesn't matter where we are either, we can be in Tesco and she'll FaceTime and then we will say 'we're just shopping at the moment' but she'll be like 'there's wifi isn't there'?! An example of this was the other day, we were waiting for a taxi and she FaceTimed, the taxi arrived, DH said he had to go because the taxi was here, she said 'you can still speak whilst your in a taxi'?! Well NO, no we cannot, we would like to run our errands in peace (or at least I would)! DH doesn't see a problem with this level of daily communication.... AIBU?

Then there is the CONSTANT asking for my DD to stay overnight.... my DD is 4 and has just started school... now, I wouldn't have a problem with this BUT we live 100 miles away and we DONT drive so basically, if anything happened to my daughter I have NO way of getting there and even if I did find a way, it would take an hour and a half to do so (3 hours and £80 later on a train) and at 4 years old, I'm just not keen on that idea.... plus when she did used to have her when we lived in the same town she did not follow any of my instructions in regards to DD.... I'm not comfortable with it at all quite frankly and so I have said no, maybe when she's a little older etc.... but because my DH doesn't have a problem with her going (which is fine, he's entitled to his own opinion) she deliberately talks to him when I'm not there, piling on the pressure, making plans behind my back which I just think is so so rude and sneaky. I'd say she starts banging on about it at least once a month and this has been for at least a year now it's bad enough that she won't take no for an answer but he sneakiness is just not on.... AIBU?

Then, I found out, when I was at the height of a previous mental illness (severe anxiety) and was actually having a panic attack, she was talking to DH and instead of offering support for him and me, you know like 'if you need to talk' or 'if you need to have an hour to yourself' blah blah blah... well instead of that, she basically was talking to him about maybe leaving me?! Bearing in mind we've been together for 6 years, happily married AND i stood by him through two separate addictions?! During which she was nowhere to be seen! In fact, she chucked him out?! So to find this out I was massively upset, disgusted rather... AIBU?

And to top everything off DH FIL rings MULTIPLE times a day?! Yes, multiple! On an average day he'll ring around 8am, 11am, 2pm, 5pm (this is a FaceTime call) and sometimes 10pm.... basically, he asks the same thing in each of these phone calls and it goes as follows -

What's the weather like?
What have you had for tea?
What are you having for tea?
Have you been out?
Are you going out?
How much did that cost?
Where's DGD?
Put DGD on?
What time were you up?

AIBU to think his level of contact each and everyday is excessive and unhealthy? AIBU to feel like I don't want DH parents to know the ins and outs of our daily life? AIBU to want some privacy? Especially when shopping, getting in a car, walking around town or eating my tea?! My husband doesn't see a problem with it which has in turn caused problems between us recently, in fact, we had a blazing row about his mum on Friday we hardly ever row but when we do, it tends to be about this same situation... I have gone from absolutely loving his mum to still loving her but resenting her and not enjoying time spent with her knowing what she has said and knowing what that she will try and pressure me in regards to DD....

AIBU to just want a glass of ?!

Goodness, I feel so so ashamed for feeling like this, the guilt is eating me up but I'm just so fed up of course, I love them all but blimey, they are driving me NUTS!!

fruitysmoothie re "You all speak sense, so glad I haven't been being unreasonable which is how 'others' are making me feel, as though I'm in the wrong for having a problem with it etc." Who are the 'others', your parents in law or additional people who you have spoken to?

charlestonchaplin Re "If a man told his wife she shouldn't chat to her parents while making dinner Mumsnet would be awash with cries of 'controlling!'. Only women are allowed to stake their claim on a partner, like a spraying tomcat. If he's passing on private information that's one thing, but just chatting? What's the problem? You basically don't feel like you're top dog because he chats to his parents a lot."

That is a lot of tosh, he is not just chatting to him mum, his mum is calling all the time, in the taxi, in the supermarket and when he makes dinner! Every single day.

The MIL is discussing her son's marriage and encouraging a break up and putting pressure on the couple to allow their very young daughter to go up and stay with her despite the fact one of them feels very unhappy with that prospect. In fact one partner is very unhappy with the whole situation; while the other, despite having it explained to them, remains (I am guessing purposefully) oblivious.

Whether the unhappy parent were a male or female, I think most people would feel the same - the MIL is a very toxic influence in their marriage.

The MIL may well end up causing a break up; which I would guess will mean she sees a whole lot less of her grandchild and a little girl grows up seeing a whole lot less of her dad.

I can't imagine anyone approving of this situation, whether it were the husband or the wife who had posted here.

If there were no conversations in the taxi or supermarket would the OP be happy? No. If he restricted the chats to when he's preparing dinner while she's doing other things, presumably, would she be happy? No. That she doesn't like the woman because she believes she's tried to split them up doesn't give her permission to put controls on his relationship with his mother. Her choices are negotiation, ultimation or leave. But I don't think starting off your negotiation by saying, 'Mumsnet thinks it's weird' is the best tactic.

charlestonchaplin not sure you can say you know how the OP would feel in all those situations.

I doubt if she will say Mumsnet thinks you are weird, but it is weird.

And the problem with it (IMHO) is not that he talks to his mum a lot, but that his wife has problems with a variety of things in their married life to do with her in-laws and it is impacting on the OP but her husband does not really seem to care, or even seem to notice, and continues to do it anyway. And that would be exactly the same if the poster were female or male.

It's not weird, it's different. Most people are sheep but not everyone is. The OP's unhappiness with her MIL cannot be cured by speaking less on the phone. The critical conversations have happened and cannot unhappen. Clamping down on the conversations with MIL is just a way of showing her disapproval of her MIL and trying to assert her dominance over a woman she doesn't like. If her husband is happy with the situation, and there is nothing objectively wrong with it, she would be better off detaching from the situation rather than getting increasingly worked up about the calls. Unless she is prepared to take the ultimate step, and her posts suggest not.

Oh and by the way, DH gets a call from her today and because he didn't answer her call yesterday she said 'oh, so your allowed to talk to me now' implying that I am controlling him?!?! Words surpass me!

I think your problem here lies with your DH. If they're ringing as much as you say they are, then HE needs to be able to not answer as much.
I don't mean not answer at all, as he obviously wants to keep in contact.
Once a day would suffice though. He needs to put his phone on silent after speaking to them for the day, as the level you're saying though is insane! Nobody needs four phone calls a day. That's just not a healthy amount.
It sounds like you can't even get on with day to day life without being talked through it.
Explain it to him. Say it's nice that he wants to keep in contact with his parents, but you all have the right to family life too. One phone call a day is still keeping in contact and a LOT more emotionally healthy!

charlestonchaplin I thought I made it clear that IMHO what is weird about it is the fact it is making his wife unhappy, yet he seems oblivious to this. That to me is weird. How often he speaks to his mum is up to him, as long as it doesn't break up his marriage, because that would be unfair to his wife and child and ultimately to himself. If his mum really cared about him, she would not jeopardize her son's marriage in this way.

Gosh. They actually sound codependent. Not healthy at all.

Its not about the mother in law really. It's about her DH's inability to have normal boundaries with his parents.

i suspect op would be very happy if her husband had just one call a day. Would be a huge improvement and less intrusive. A more normal balance.

Fixating on contacting someone and not reading social ques about what's reasonable could be indicative of ASD. In which case it might be worth reading up about ASD and suggested tools. Comprehension helps.

Charleston I would definitely think someone insisting on talking to their mum in a taxi and shop was behaving strangely, whether they were a man or a woman!

OP I think counselling would be a good idea as any counselor would tell him that it's not on.

I personally don't see anything wrong with your DD staying with them every now and then (mine stay at my parents five hours away and I don't drive) but it's your DD and your call.

That sounds completely awful. Intrusive and rude. I can't comprehend how you got into this situation without DH seeing how weird it all is.

One thing you said later on in the thread jumped out at me. PIL are separated. Could this be a bit of a competitive - "I know more about DSs life that you do?" between them? at least that would be a reason for the insanity.

For comparison. My DH makes one weekly, long phonecall to his DP. I probably speak to my DM 1-3 times a week but it varies. Always once, more if there's an actual reason or to let the DDs chat to them.

Other than that we use email a lot to both sets of parents since having DC. I just fire off an email to both sets of GP every time I have a few nice photos and anecdotes from a day with the DC as we also don't live close. This way they know lots about what the DDs are doing and we can communicate at convenient times for all of us. Worth a suggestion?

And I agree with other posters that overnights with GP should be fine for a 4 year old, whether you drive or not.

Perhaps you could say you've realised that you've BU about not allowing that and think about extending the offer of a monthly sleepover in return for a reduction in FaceTime? That way you are being gracious but might be able to negotiate...

How does your H have time for all these calls, doesn't it negatively impact on his job?

MIL face timing every evening - YABU (I do think if it was a mum and daughter face timing while she was cooking it would be seen as ok/normal)

MIL wanting to have 4 year old for sleepover - YABU (my in laws live further away than yours, our three often stayed there from babyhood, you can't be worrying that something 'could' happen all your life)

PIL ringing that many times a day/MIL getting involved with your marriage - YANBU! That's so claustrophobic and inappropriate. Definitely turn phones off, get dh to have a word, put your foot down.

Have you tried broaching the subject in a:

The level they contact us is inappropriate, I am asking you to bring it down to a more appropriate level. This doesn't mean no contact, but it does mean you need to find a compromise where they are not constantly in our lives.

If he won't then tell him to go live with them.

I'd have taken the battery out of his phone by now. It sounds like they think you live in the Big Brother house with 24 hour coverage. And MIL tried to vote you out! I'm afraid DH needs to understand this excessive intrusion is souring your marriage.

Alternatively could you accidentally break his iphone then get him to buy an android/other type instead?

YANBU I would stop answering her FaceTime calls.

• I think YABU about a 30 min per day phone/facetime. That's a reasonable amount. If she calls at inconvenient times get your DH to agree a time each day.

• YANBU to say no to overnight stays for the moment. However, I think your DD is getting to the age where she could get a lot of it and you would be U to prevent it.

• YABU to resent your DH's mum for wanting to support him. I get its embarrassing because its your MH problems, but loved ones' MH problems CAN be exhausting. I wouldn't judge their behaviour during his addiction. I'm sure they had their reasons.

• FIL's calling several times a day... yes annoying. Again, I think your DH needs to set aside sometime each day to call him.

Overall, I think YABU to be as bothered as you are about this. It seems likely to me that your DH's parents are worried about him as a former addict and you with MH problems and are trying to be supportive and make sure their DGC is ok.

I agree, it sounds awful & YANBU. Do you think that your DH is unwilling to rocome the boat with his parents because of the period when they cut him off? He is probably so glad to be in favour again.

Could you talk to mil about your fil's constant phone calls & content; explain that it's driving you mad and the 3 of you have no family life? She may start to realise that she is doing similar.

Do they do it whilst he is at work?

I would not be letting my child stay with anyone who tried to break up my marriage! And I would not be using my child staying as some sort of a bargaining chip to reduce call time.

Not wanting the child to stay at Granny's is only not unreasonable if the OP is really OK with it. and she has said she is not.

I agree with Daisies and others this may be MIl and FIL competition!

You really need to sort this OP.
Your husband is at fault here, a compromise needs to be reached.
Speaking on the phone to your DM everyday is fine, but face timing every teatime, is definitely not on.
Nip this in the bud, no need for counselling, sit down and have it out, lay your cards on the table. It is only once to do.Speak to each other.
If you don't, then your daughter, will be her future target!

Wicksend - oh my days!! Could you imagine?! Haha! That brightened my morning!

Charlestonchaplin - yes he is passing on private information and telling them practically everything that we do on a daily basis.... and if it was the other way around, I would be considering his feelings and realising perhaps it was unhealthy... I only speak to my mum around once a week....
As for the 'I wouldn't be happy if' comments... you are right! I'm not going to lie! I feel like saying 'ring your mother on a normal, average basis like everybody else'

Italiangreyhound - thank you and your right, perhaps I shouldn't feel guilty anymore.... and the 'others' are DH and PIL's.... and could I just say, everything you have said is basically how I'm feeling, especially the bit about her being toxic to our marriage (in my opinion) and feeling like DH doesn't care very much for my say/feelings in the situation.

Daisiesinherfootsteps - I wish I had your level of contact, that seems way more appropriate. PIL's insist on FaceTime every Birthday and Christmas morning too I'd just like to watch my DD open a few of her presents and cards without them... maybe I'm being unreasonable but I really feel like they are CONSTANTLY there... nothing is private and nope, I'm putting my foot down on the overnight stays, as you can see from this post, it is mixed on whether i should let DD stay or not let her stay.... I really don't think I'm being unreasonable in regards to that as she's my daughter and if I don't feel comfortable with it at this time then that should be the end of it in my eyes....

That is an excessive amount of contact, yes.

When I was in a similar (but not the same) situation, I did what myusernamewastaken suggested and subtly unplugged the phone to get some peace.