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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is VERY weird behaviour?

225 replies

fruitysmoothie · 16/10/2016 21:20

PLEASE READ

I apologise in advance as this is a MIL and partly FIL thread!! I just have to get this of my chest!!

I'm so sick of feeling like there are 4 people in my marriage :(

Basically, MIL FaceTimes consistently everyday whilst my DH makes tea (he cooks most meals, I do majority of housekeeping as I'm rubbish at cooking). She literally is propped up in the kitchen watching him make tea, then she wants to speak to my DD, so all in all about a 30min video call, this is EVERYDAY and can often sometimes be more than once! It doesn't matter where we are either, we can be in Tesco and she'll FaceTime and then we will say 'we're just shopping at the moment' but she'll be like 'there's wifi isn't there'?! An example of this was the other day, we were waiting for a taxi and she FaceTimed, the taxi arrived, DH said he had to go because the taxi was here, she said 'you can still speak whilst your in a taxi'?! Well NO, no we cannot, we would like to run our errands in peace (or at least I would)! DH doesn't see a problem with this level of daily communication.... AIBU?

Then there is the CONSTANT asking for my DD to stay overnight.... my DD is 4 and has just started school... now, I wouldn't have a problem with this BUT we live 100 miles away and we DONT drive so basically, if anything happened to my daughter I have NO way of getting there and even if I did find a way, it would take an hour and a half to do so (3 hours and £80 later on a train) and at 4 years old, I'm just not keen on that idea.... plus when she did used to have her when we lived in the same town she did not follow any of my instructions in regards to DD.... I'm not comfortable with it at all quite frankly and so I have said no, maybe when she's a little older etc.... but because my DH doesn't have a problem with her going (which is fine, he's entitled to his own opinion) she deliberately talks to him when I'm not there, piling on the pressure, making plans behind my back which I just think is so so rude and sneaky. I'd say she starts banging on about it at least once a month and this has been for at least a year now Hmmit's bad enough that she won't take no for an answer but he sneakiness is just not on.... AIBU?

Then, I found out, when I was at the height of a previous mental illness (severe anxiety) and was actually having a panic attack, she was talking to DH and instead of offering support for him and me, you know like 'if you need to talk' or 'if you need to have an hour to yourself' blah blah blah... well instead of that, she basically was talking to him about maybe leaving me?! Bearing in mind we've been together for 6 years, happily married AND i stood by him through two separate addictions?! During which she was nowhere to be seen! In fact, she chucked him out?! So to find this out I was massively upset, disgusted rather... AIBU?

And to top everything off DH FIL rings MULTIPLE times a day?! Yes, multiple! On an average day he'll ring around 8am, 11am, 2pm, 5pm (this is a FaceTime call) and sometimes 10pm.... basically, he asks the same thing in each of these phone calls and it goes as follows -

What's the weather like?
What have you had for tea?
What are you having for tea?
Have you been out?
Are you going out?
How much did that cost?
Where's DGD?
Put DGD on?
What time were you up?

AIBU to think his level of contact each and everyday is excessive and unhealthy? AIBU to feel like I don't want DH parents to know the ins and outs of our daily life? AIBU to want some privacy? Especially when shopping, getting in a car, walking around town or eating my tea?! My husband doesn't see a problem with it which has in turn caused problems between us recently, in fact, we had a blazing row about his mum on Friday Blush we hardly ever row but when we do, it tends to be about this same situation... I have gone from absolutely loving his mum to still loving her but resenting her and not enjoying time spent with her knowing what she has said and knowing what that she will try and pressure me in regards to DD....

AIBU to just want a glass of Wine?!

Goodness, I feel so so ashamed for feeling like this, the guilt is eating me up but I'm just so fed up Confused of course, I love them all but blimey, they are driving me NUTS!!

OP posts:
Thetruthfairy · 16/10/2016 21:59

Some of this would drive me nuts.
I think you need to sit down with dh and compromise on the FaceTime. I'd let them FaceTime every day while he cooks but he must be the one to call, so it is him in control. No other calls from his mother.
I would maybe say to mother in law that you will work up to a full sleepover. Dh takes her to sleepover, and stops himself maybe a few weekends in the next 6 months. Working up to a sleepover if all goes well.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/10/2016 21:59

She wants to facetime whilst shopping? That's like carrying your mother in law's head around Tescos Shock No thanks! Is she commenting on your purchases?

The key to resolving this is of course your dh. He needs to made aware how much of an intrusion into your daily lives this is and how unhappy it is making you. Then you need to come to a compromise and limit the calls from his mum and dad.

As regards to your dd's overnight stay, could you have pils to visit overnight instead so they feel more involved?
It's always going to be difficult as you rightly have issues with Mil's past behaviour but perhaps you can bite your tongue and be civil for a short visit?

DownWithThisSortaThing · 16/10/2016 22:00

Your DH can talk to his family as often as he likes but it does seem to be encroaching a bit on your family life in general.
Could you talk to your him about having 'just us' days? Like you want to go out for the day at the weekend and maybe a meal and cinema on the evening (for example) with no interruptions and ask him to just not answer the calls when you're busy or in the supermarket or whatever. All he has to do is text later and say 'oh sorry, we were busy'
It's way to drop the hint that you're busy doing your own thing without falling out with them over it IYSWIM

They can't expect you to drop everything every time they call.

228agreenend · 16/10/2016 22:00

That makes it trickier. Can you talk to him and have a compromise and do the above as a compromise? Or get him to leave his phone at home when you are out together?

dangerrabbit · 16/10/2016 22:00

Yeah, I'm in the same situation OP so you have my sympathy. I do find it intrusive. Is your DH from another culture to you by any chance (I ask because mine is and I wonder if it is a cultural thing)? Not sure what the solution is really if he is used to speaking to them multiple times a day he may feel YABU for asking him to cut down contact. Can a compromise be reached?
My MIL speaks on FaceTime every day not only to all her children but also to her sisters who live abroad in a completely different time zone and rings multiple times of an evening.

Optimist3 · 16/10/2016 22:00

Put your phones on silent and tell them you're having some quiet time if they ask in a later call. I'd wean them down to one contact a day

GabsAlot · 16/10/2016 22:01

tell your dh not to answer everytime they ring-its not convienient u dont have time for so many calls a day

co9uld u go there with dc overnight maybe instead of them alone

AyeAmarok · 16/10/2016 22:02

Could you disconnect the WiFi at home at the times they ring?

Original poster
fruitysmoothie · 16/10/2016 22:02

I know ageingrunner!! I literally feel like I have no privacy, they know what the weather is like, where we have been, what we have bought, what DD has done.... it goes on and on, it just feels so intrusive and unnatural.

MIL has now thrown her toys out of the Oran and is giving DH the silent treatment because I politely, in fact really really politely and nicely asked her not to keep asking to have DD overnight or for us to come up to see them and that we will let them know when we are thinking of coming up or when/if I decide DD can stay overnight....

OP posts:
Ditsy4 · 16/10/2016 22:03

That is excessive. I haven't had contact with my sons for a couple of weeks. My daughter I have had a couple of emails but that is because she is arranging for someone to pick up some work from our house.
It would drive me nuts. In fact DH always phones at mealtimes when he is away( he has a chef to make his meals) it doesn't matter what time I eat between 6-8pm he rings just as I get it to the plate. It drives me nuts but I don't like to say anything as it is the only time we speak and he can't always ring back.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 16/10/2016 22:04

Next time he tries to instigate sex tell him not tonight dear - your fucking parents will prob want to face time!! Omg I would have left him by now if he thinks this is acceptable!!

TrinityForce · 16/10/2016 22:05

hahaha no way
I'd leave him, let him go back to mummy and daddy where they can't annoy the fuck out of you

RandomMess · 16/10/2016 22:08

TBH I'd be booking you into couples counselling so an outsider can explain to him the principle of marriage - leaving your parents & cleaving to your partner...

It is way too excessive and intrusive.

Original poster
fruitysmoothie · 16/10/2016 22:09

Ilostitintheearlyninties - they come to visit at least once every two months but for some reason, MIL isn't content on just that and wants even more.... Hmm

Downwiththissortathing - unfortunately DH doesn't see my issue at all, he doesn't see how it affects me because 'I'm not the one answering the phone' Sad

228 - I have tried to compromise with him and it did work for a while but the calls have slowly increased again... I have however banned FaceTime from Tesco!! That was just ridiculous... I think the problem is is that DH doesn't see a problem Hmm

Dangerrabbit - nope, he's from the same culture as me. I'm sorry you are going through similar!! I feel your annoyance and pain!

Optimist - yes I would tell them that but then MIL will go in a sulk with us which in DH's eyes will probably be down to me being unreasonable Sad

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/10/2016 22:10

Mil is..now giving dh the silent treatment

Well that's a silver lining Grin. You need to stand up to her more often.

myusernamewastaken · 16/10/2016 22:10

You must be on edge all the time waiting for the phone to ring....what happens if you are out for dinner...clothes shopping...cinema etc....do they still do it?
I agree you have 4 of you in the marriage and your dh is going to have to man up and put you and your family first or your marriage will not survive.

NataliaOsipova · 16/10/2016 22:11

What's the weather like?
What have you had for tea?
What are you having for tea?
Have you been out?
Are you going out?
How much did that cost?
Where's DGD?
Put DGD on?
What time were you up?

Oh God - the crap phone call. This would drive me insane once a week. Several times a day? I would lose it spectacularly with someone. And your DH is very wrong to say it doesn't affect you when it's his phone. Can you get a mate to phone you that many times one day so he can see what it's like on the other end of it?

MitzyLeFrouf · 16/10/2016 22:12

I felt so suffocated on your behalf reading your OP that I had to loosen my top button.

Original poster
fruitysmoothie · 16/10/2016 22:12

I think he is definitely a mummy's boy and honestly, it upsets me to say it but I honestly feel like his mothers feelings come before mine SadSad

Randomness - i just don't know why he can't see it Sad

Mybeardeddragonjust..... - HAHAH! That made me giggle about the sex!!

OP posts:
ZuleikaDobson · 16/10/2016 22:13

This is ridiculous. When do they have time to live their own lives? But of course the trouble is that they are preventing you from living yours.

Can you suggest to your husband that he asks his friends and colleagues how much time they spend on the phone/facetime etc with their parents? Maybe he will then realise that this is way over the top. Alternatively, can you sit down and agree that he will only have one FaceTime session with his mother per day, and one phone conversation with his father? Even that is way more than most people do.

I think whatever else happens you need to get him to agree that no arrangements for your child will ever be made without your agreement, and that the more they pester for her to stay overnight the longer it will be before you agree.

Original poster
fruitysmoothie · 16/10/2016 22:14

Ilostitintheearlyninties - hahahahaha!!!

Myusernamewastaken - yes I am, your bang on the money there! And yes, even then they still ring, it doesn't matter where we are or what we are doing, they even did it on my 21st birthday knowing we were having a meal!!

OP posts:
Justjoseph · 16/10/2016 22:14

It would just have to stop.
I would be banning all but one call per day. He would have to leave otherwise. It's very intrusive, God I hate FaceTime.
They need a life.

RabbitSaysWoof · 16/10/2016 22:15

You know you're not obliged to love them despite of this?
I wouldn't at all I would be really pissed of, especially at the suggesting he leaves you bit. Did you have your DD at this point?

Original poster
fruitysmoothie · 16/10/2016 22:15

Oh and by the way, DH gets a call from her today and because he didn't answer her call yesterday she said 'oh, so your allowed to talk to me now' implying that I am controlling him?!?! Words surpass me!

OP posts:
1frenchfoodie · 16/10/2016 22:16

Good grief, that is a lot of contact. The MIL chat when your DH is making tea sounds fine but calling no matter where you are and the multiple FIL calls sound suffocating.

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