To think this is VERY weird behaviour?

[fruitysmoothie]

PLEASE READ

I apologise in advance as this is a MIL and partly FIL thread!! I just have to get this of my chest!!

I'm so sick of feeling like there are 4 people in my marriage :(

Basically, MIL FaceTimes consistently everyday whilst my DH makes tea (he cooks most meals, I do majority of housekeeping as I'm rubbish at cooking). She literally is propped up in the kitchen watching him make tea, then she wants to speak to my DD, so all in all about a 30min video call, this is EVERYDAY and can often sometimes be more than once! It doesn't matter where we are either, we can be in Tesco and she'll FaceTime and then we will say 'we're just shopping at the moment' but she'll be like 'there's wifi isn't there'?! An example of this was the other day, we were waiting for a taxi and she FaceTimed, the taxi arrived, DH said he had to go because the taxi was here, she said 'you can still speak whilst your in a taxi'?! Well NO, no we cannot, we would like to run our errands in peace (or at least I would)! DH doesn't see a problem with this level of daily communication.... AIBU?

Then there is the CONSTANT asking for my DD to stay overnight.... my DD is 4 and has just started school... now, I wouldn't have a problem with this BUT we live 100 miles away and we DONT drive so basically, if anything happened to my daughter I have NO way of getting there and even if I did find a way, it would take an hour and a half to do so (3 hours and £80 later on a train) and at 4 years old, I'm just not keen on that idea.... plus when she did used to have her when we lived in the same town she did not follow any of my instructions in regards to DD.... I'm not comfortable with it at all quite frankly and so I have said no, maybe when she's a little older etc.... but because my DH doesn't have a problem with her going (which is fine, he's entitled to his own opinion) she deliberately talks to him when I'm not there, piling on the pressure, making plans behind my back which I just think is so so rude and sneaky. I'd say she starts banging on about it at least once a month and this has been for at least a year now it's bad enough that she won't take no for an answer but he sneakiness is just not on.... AIBU?

Then, I found out, when I was at the height of a previous mental illness (severe anxiety) and was actually having a panic attack, she was talking to DH and instead of offering support for him and me, you know like 'if you need to talk' or 'if you need to have an hour to yourself' blah blah blah... well instead of that, she basically was talking to him about maybe leaving me?! Bearing in mind we've been together for 6 years, happily married AND i stood by him through two separate addictions?! During which she was nowhere to be seen! In fact, she chucked him out?! So to find this out I was massively upset, disgusted rather... AIBU?

And to top everything off DH FIL rings MULTIPLE times a day?! Yes, multiple! On an average day he'll ring around 8am, 11am, 2pm, 5pm (this is a FaceTime call) and sometimes 10pm.... basically, he asks the same thing in each of these phone calls and it goes as follows -

What's the weather like?
What have you had for tea?
What are you having for tea?
Have you been out?
Are you going out?
How much did that cost?
Where's DGD?
Put DGD on?
What time were you up?

AIBU to think his level of contact each and everyday is excessive and unhealthy? AIBU to feel like I don't want DH parents to know the ins and outs of our daily life? AIBU to want some privacy? Especially when shopping, getting in a car, walking around town or eating my tea?! My husband doesn't see a problem with it which has in turn caused problems between us recently, in fact, we had a blazing row about his mum on Friday we hardly ever row but when we do, it tends to be about this same situation... I have gone from absolutely loving his mum to still loving her but resenting her and not enjoying time spent with her knowing what she has said and knowing what that she will try and pressure me in regards to DD....

AIBU to just want a glass of ?!

Goodness, I feel so so ashamed for feeling like this, the guilt is eating me up but I'm just so fed up of course, I love them all but blimey, they are driving me NUTS!!

I would seize this opportunity of it all blowing up and some honest (though unpleasant) feelings being aired to call your DH out about not standing up to his mother.

He stood by and let her shout at you and accuse you of being a bad mother! Jesus! No way i'd be letting that go. He can't accuse you of stirring up trouble about the status-quo because this big row is happened now - and IMO is directly because of his unwillingness to sort the situation out, it's been brewing for ages - and needs addressing.

I'd seriously be saying it's me or her. And i'd seriously mean it. Who wants to be romantically involved with a bloke who can't/wont stand up to his mother FGS? Obviously that's not what a professional councellor would tell you to say but it's what i'd be bloody saying!

Laiste, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about doing that I'm so sick of the whole situation and feel like it's a three way marriage

Well, y'know, what would he say? If you calmly told him it really was beginning to feel like a her or me situation for you. And that you were hoping he'd come to a compromise because you definitely weren't prepared to go on as things are.

Well, a good hard storm clears the air, doesn't it? And I don't think you could have made your point any other way.

I agree with Laiste. Use this opportunity to make your position very clear.

I do wonder how your DSIL feels that her mum is so much more invested in her older brother and niece - does MIL even notice she exists and has needs? Is your DH the golden child?

The dynamic is just so unhealthy and abnormal, it really is.

RandomMess, no, SIL gets bought everything and anything she wants, she is the most spoilt person I have EVER met and as a result is a very ungrateful person who things the world revolves around her, she is money obsessed and has no concept of real life....

Although she is lovely underneath all that I might add...

Being materially spoilt means nothing if you don't have time and love invested in you though.

Is MIL one of these people who just can't bear to be in her own company? I just can't get over that anyone thinks it's appropriate to encroach on their DCs lives so much even pre-teens need to start having some space in their lives!

Being materially spoilt means nothing if you don't have time and love invested in you though.
That's very true. One of the worst people I ever befriended was materially spoiled rotten but she was exceptionally jealous of the praise (nothing more than pride in the sibling's achievements, like any parent would be) lavished on her sibling to an irrational point. She couldn't cope with the fact sometimes her DPs would buy they sibling something, she would kick off majorly and then wonder why they preferred the sibling's company.

Both MIL & SIL are materialistic in my ingest opinion.... I personally prefer above all else to be happy, I don't care if I've not got this or that as long as I'm happy

Honest not ingest

This would drive absolutely round the twist.

This would drive absolutely round the twist.

That is just weird, controlling and intrusive. Your MIL is a dangerous trouble maker. I would NEVER allow your children to stay with her.

Covert narcissism springs to mind here.
Don't worry about the fall out with MIL. Now it's time to pull up your big girl pants and tell your DH you are no longer having contact with MIL or FIL - your FIL is enabling and also seems to have adapted similar behaviours to MIL (or he is possibly narcisstic himself)

Keep your child away from both, they are toxic and your child will grow up to wonder why you put up with all of it. Does your MIL say snidey remarks to your child about you? Or does she influence your child to do things he/she wouldn't ordinarily be interested in?

Your DH has FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. Please go and google that, I think you will find that it relates. You can find ways of breaking this cycle.

MIL will never change. These people have personality disorders so do not change, they are right after all. They see no wrong.

End your contact with her now tell DH to respect your wishes. Let him choose what he wants.

Thanks for your advice guys

fruity how's your FIL behaving in all this? Is he still calling to discuss the weather, etc constantly?

You know if you both stand up to her and tell her what's acceptable or not, she will sulk for a while or even ages but she will eventually realise you are united in this and she cannot win.

Currently your h is the weak link. He's not worried about her feelings or yours. He only worried about himself and making sure nobody gives him a hard time.

How the hell does he get anything done????

Seriously, it's not normal behaviour. It's controlling and boring and it needs to be stopped.

Magik - yep, FIL is just the same, his phone call yesterday morning went like this..

Are you going out? Oh, have you been out? What's the weather like? It's cloudy here. You watching owt? Ah right, load of rubbish that is. Right then, I'll catcha later, bye

Winky - I would LOVE to be a united front in this situation!! Apparently we now are but time will tell....

Not sure that bodes well for your DH setting boundaries. At the moment he appears to get that MIL has been a bitch, but not the concept of overbearing contact.

Hmmm... time will tell Magik

Thank you for all of your support by the way, massively appreciated

I will add that imho people like your MIL will never change. It's up to u to make changes in your home. Don't expect ur OH to understand or be on your side either. Like everyone says, he's in the FOG.

It's your home and your kids. U decide what goes on it your house. And how much interaction ur kids have with anyone.

You can't stop how many times ur OH speaks to MIL but u can't take the kids and go to another room and play with them. Make a clear statement to your husband that you are not going to accept any interruptions during ur family time. Don't ask just tell.

Omg. That's a ridiculous amount of contact. Your DH needs to cut the apron strings I feel. I have an issue with feeling smothered sometimes by my mil and fil but it is about a hundredth of this. I won't complain any more!!! Difficult to sort without hurting feelings though. Good luck.

Thanks guys things are still raw at the moment....