To think this is VERY weird behaviour?

[fruitysmoothie]

PLEASE READ

I apologise in advance as this is a MIL and partly FIL thread!! I just have to get this of my chest!!

I'm so sick of feeling like there are 4 people in my marriage :(

Basically, MIL FaceTimes consistently everyday whilst my DH makes tea (he cooks most meals, I do majority of housekeeping as I'm rubbish at cooking). She literally is propped up in the kitchen watching him make tea, then she wants to speak to my DD, so all in all about a 30min video call, this is EVERYDAY and can often sometimes be more than once! It doesn't matter where we are either, we can be in Tesco and she'll FaceTime and then we will say 'we're just shopping at the moment' but she'll be like 'there's wifi isn't there'?! An example of this was the other day, we were waiting for a taxi and she FaceTimed, the taxi arrived, DH said he had to go because the taxi was here, she said 'you can still speak whilst your in a taxi'?! Well NO, no we cannot, we would like to run our errands in peace (or at least I would)! DH doesn't see a problem with this level of daily communication.... AIBU?

Then there is the CONSTANT asking for my DD to stay overnight.... my DD is 4 and has just started school... now, I wouldn't have a problem with this BUT we live 100 miles away and we DONT drive so basically, if anything happened to my daughter I have NO way of getting there and even if I did find a way, it would take an hour and a half to do so (3 hours and £80 later on a train) and at 4 years old, I'm just not keen on that idea.... plus when she did used to have her when we lived in the same town she did not follow any of my instructions in regards to DD.... I'm not comfortable with it at all quite frankly and so I have said no, maybe when she's a little older etc.... but because my DH doesn't have a problem with her going (which is fine, he's entitled to his own opinion) she deliberately talks to him when I'm not there, piling on the pressure, making plans behind my back which I just think is so so rude and sneaky. I'd say she starts banging on about it at least once a month and this has been for at least a year now it's bad enough that she won't take no for an answer but he sneakiness is just not on.... AIBU?

Then, I found out, when I was at the height of a previous mental illness (severe anxiety) and was actually having a panic attack, she was talking to DH and instead of offering support for him and me, you know like 'if you need to talk' or 'if you need to have an hour to yourself' blah blah blah... well instead of that, she basically was talking to him about maybe leaving me?! Bearing in mind we've been together for 6 years, happily married AND i stood by him through two separate addictions?! During which she was nowhere to be seen! In fact, she chucked him out?! So to find this out I was massively upset, disgusted rather... AIBU?

And to top everything off DH FIL rings MULTIPLE times a day?! Yes, multiple! On an average day he'll ring around 8am, 11am, 2pm, 5pm (this is a FaceTime call) and sometimes 10pm.... basically, he asks the same thing in each of these phone calls and it goes as follows -

What's the weather like?
What have you had for tea?
What are you having for tea?
Have you been out?
Are you going out?
How much did that cost?
Where's DGD?
Put DGD on?
What time were you up?

AIBU to think his level of contact each and everyday is excessive and unhealthy? AIBU to feel like I don't want DH parents to know the ins and outs of our daily life? AIBU to want some privacy? Especially when shopping, getting in a car, walking around town or eating my tea?! My husband doesn't see a problem with it which has in turn caused problems between us recently, in fact, we had a blazing row about his mum on Friday we hardly ever row but when we do, it tends to be about this same situation... I have gone from absolutely loving his mum to still loving her but resenting her and not enjoying time spent with her knowing what she has said and knowing what that she will try and pressure me in regards to DD....

AIBU to just want a glass of ?!

Goodness, I feel so so ashamed for feeling like this, the guilt is eating me up but I'm just so fed up of course, I love them all but blimey, they are driving me NUTS!!

Your inlaws sound absolutely crackers.
I'm in a slightly similar boat to you. My DP parents constantly want to see us (twice a week in fact) along with a phone call each day to just talk about the bloody weather and tea, it drives me around the bend. I'm also now pregnant and they already have grand expectations, DP of course lets them continue with delusions as she too seems to think we will be going round every Sunday and Thursday, allowing them to baby sit and come round to ours to see the baby. I've tried to make it clear that we aren't going to be doing that but I think they choose to be deaf (the three of them) when they want to be. Families are odd!

Make sure you put your foot down your DH is being just as ridiculous allowing his parents to behave like this. I hope things improve for you soon and are less stressful.

Burningbridges - if I'm to be honest, I have no idea what I should do, or rather I know what I should do but am scared of the outcome

Lemonwhacker - thank you and I'm sorry your in a similar situation!! I do need to put my foot down, this has been going on for far far to long now, I guess I'm just scared of the outcome, mainly because I think DH is terrified of upsetting his mum but the problem is, he's upsetting me in the process

Did they forget to cut the umbilical cord when he was born?

The best bit is MIL and FIL are separated and live separately so how they are so alike in terms of contact is beyond me

Do you think perhaps they are being competitive?? Are they speaking to each other? Maybe it's a case of 'I speak to our son 3 times a day'.... 'well I speak to our son 5 times a day'..??

I'm assuming that Face time means you all have apple devises?
Get rid of them and get android she won't be able to do it then ;)

Myshinynewusername - ahaha! That's a strange thought!

Watchingfromthewings - that makes sense but I doubt that's what's going on as they don't really speak to one another and MIL doesn't like FIL

Raspberry - if only it were that simple!! Before FIL got an iPad he would Skype instead

This isn't a problem per se. It is a problem for you and you are free to say that to your husband and try to reach a compromise, but he doesn't have to conduct his relationships and life according to what other people do. There are too many brainless sheep in this world, blindly following someone else's blueprint.

My ex's mum was like this, right down to coming to our house and taking all his clothes to iron! She's still the same but thankfully I now have nothing to do with her. I really feel for you, especially since DH won't backbyou up.
Good on you for saying no to sleepovers. Your DD is only 4! When they ring can you suddenly have urgent chores/appiintments/hairwashing to do with DD and just leave DH to it?

You have my sympathy. My MiL, I think, aspires to reach your MiL's skill level with communication devices. She goes through periods where it seems she can do nothing without dh's opinion. I am still mystified as to why she once phoned three times to ask him what he thought about cooking a fish. In a decade of marriage he has never cooked a fish.

It's very wearing and then you have to be the 'nasty' one who puts your foot down when the poor woman just loves you all so much...but for your own sanity, you have to. Tot up the time he spends on the phone. Ask him how he thinks the household would run if you spent that much time on the phone. If he can't see it, I'd be tempted to do the same he does. Rope in you mum or a friend and spend that time on the phone and see how he feels about it.

Strawberrylime - the problem is they tend to ring DH phone

Ah sorry, missed that. If it's him they're ringing, and not yourself, he obviously likes that much contact so there's not much you can do about it.
Let him blather on and try to just ignore him. Easier said than done, I know!
You can't tell him to stop talking to his parents as much if he wants to do that even though it would drive anyone sane round the twist
Put some loud music on to drown him out and shut the door on him.

No no no this is completely unacceptable.
What is your dh thinking ?
I'd be hysterical too

Unicorn - thank you and yes, I may start conveniently having things to do when she rings with DD and perhaps she'll give up over time.... I wouldn't mind if it was say once/twice a week but everyday is just excessive, especially when it's the both PIL's. It's got to the point I now feel my blood boil when I hear the phone going

Phones are there for your convenience. They have off buttons, can be disconnected and get bad signals. When all else fails employ a remote doorbell - when turned off and on at the plug the ringer ding dongs and oh gotta go someone is at the door.

Your DH issue is another thing altogether - some rules need drawn up, no phones at the dinner table, no interruptions during family time etc. Leave phones on silent when not being used.

You could even propose a guardian reader style technology cold turkey weekend.

I happily holiday in a place with no mobile reception, it is lovely.

Just for one week do the same. Before they call you call someone so that you are always having a parallel conversation when they call. It is abnormal brhaviour.

If I was you I would have snapped by now and chucked his phone in a pan of boiling water as he was cooking dinner.
It isn't normal to have this level of voyeuristic intrusion into your life. As others have said, your DH is the problem as he allows it

Really abnormal, I feel your pain. He should be putting you and your children first, not his needy parents. He needs to grow the fuck up. Sorry I haven't got anything constructive to say.

MIL and FIL being competitive about this sounds about right.

Plus the fact they are not together means that you will need to have each conversation twice - once with each of them (then repeated on the hour every hour by the sound of it).

And of course they will no longer have each other around to talk to instead so whereas previously even if they shared a conversation with your dh they could have then discussed it between themselves for a good while (I'm guessing!) - whereas now they don't which means that they have that much more spare time in which they want conversation but don't have the other IL to have it with - which means they turn to your dh...

And then this is repeated on both sides so the amount of time they expect to interact with your dh in order to get their same quota/expectation/hit of talking to and about him means that your dh ends up talking to them several times more than he would have needed to previously...

Oh good grief it sound horrendous! I just don't understand why your dh doesn't appreciate that it encroaches in your family time. How have your conversations gone? It's just far far too much!

I'm not a phone call type of person really. I tend to whatsapp my dad and sisters a lot, but speak only every few weeks ish. I never speak to in-laws on the phone thank god. My dh is a bit of a mummy's boy as he goes round for tea and a poo every morning before work as he works close by.

Oh my goodness. I think I need a glass of wine too! We had facetime with FIL and MIL every Sunday for years and one day a week was more than enough for me. I can't imagine how intrusive this is for you.

You all speak sense, so glad I haven't been being unreasonable which is how 'others' are making me feel, as though I'm in the wrong for having a problem with it etc

I'm not surprised you sound hysterical - I would be, too.

Give us their number 😬
We'll FaceTime em every minute of every goddamn day. We could all ask fil what he had for tea and tell him it's raining.

If a man told his wife she shouldn't chat to her parents while making dinner Mumsnet would be awash with cries of 'controlling!'. Only women are allowed to stake their claim on a partner, like a spraying tomcat. If he's passing on private information that's one thing, but just chatting? What's the problem? You basically don't feel like you're top dog because he chats to his parents a lot.

Fruitysmoothie YANBU at all.

This is appallingly intrusive.

Re "Goodness, I feel so so ashamed for feeling like this, the guilt is eating me up but I'm just so fed up confused of course, I love them all but blimey, they are driving me NUTS!!"

STOP feeling guilty this minute. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I think you may need to pursue counselling with your DH so that a third party can tell him what total nuts this is.

If your parents in law are in their 50s (I am EARLY 50 something!) they have plenty of time and energy to pursue lots of other interests and they have other kids so it seems crazy your FIL wants to ask the same questions repeatedly.

I think if you DH is happy to talk to his dad daily to this extent I would leave him to it, although it seems odd and unnecessary.

I think your husband should have enough respect for you that when you are out shopping or taxi journeying (is that a word) then his attention should be on you and not his mum.

The fact that your MIL has discussed the break up of your marriage with her son shows that she is really a very damaging person for your marriage and your husband should understand this.

You have stuck by your dh through thick and thin and he is repaying you by discussing your marriage with his mum?

Your husband may say his chats to his mum does not affect you but it does, it does if:
it intrudes on time for your as a couple or time for you as a family on a regular and inconvenient basis
it causes conflict between you and your dh
it makes you feel uncomfortable and like you do not have any privacy, even in your own home

There is absolutely no way on earth my four year old would be going to stay 100 miles away if I did not drive (or even if I did). Children are not some sort of accessory we should be required to lend out to people, even close relatives, who would like them to visit.

In your shoes, I would simply say 'Our daughter will be visiting when we do, and you will see her when you come here, she won't be visiting you alone for the foreseeable future."