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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is VERY weird behaviour?

225 replies

fruitysmoothie · 16/10/2016 21:20

PLEASE READ

I apologise in advance as this is a MIL and partly FIL thread!! I just have to get this of my chest!!

I'm so sick of feeling like there are 4 people in my marriage :(

Basically, MIL FaceTimes consistently everyday whilst my DH makes tea (he cooks most meals, I do majority of housekeeping as I'm rubbish at cooking). She literally is propped up in the kitchen watching him make tea, then she wants to speak to my DD, so all in all about a 30min video call, this is EVERYDAY and can often sometimes be more than once! It doesn't matter where we are either, we can be in Tesco and she'll FaceTime and then we will say 'we're just shopping at the moment' but she'll be like 'there's wifi isn't there'?! An example of this was the other day, we were waiting for a taxi and she FaceTimed, the taxi arrived, DH said he had to go because the taxi was here, she said 'you can still speak whilst your in a taxi'?! Well NO, no we cannot, we would like to run our errands in peace (or at least I would)! DH doesn't see a problem with this level of daily communication.... AIBU?

Then there is the CONSTANT asking for my DD to stay overnight.... my DD is 4 and has just started school... now, I wouldn't have a problem with this BUT we live 100 miles away and we DONT drive so basically, if anything happened to my daughter I have NO way of getting there and even if I did find a way, it would take an hour and a half to do so (3 hours and £80 later on a train) and at 4 years old, I'm just not keen on that idea.... plus when she did used to have her when we lived in the same town she did not follow any of my instructions in regards to DD.... I'm not comfortable with it at all quite frankly and so I have said no, maybe when she's a little older etc.... but because my DH doesn't have a problem with her going (which is fine, he's entitled to his own opinion) she deliberately talks to him when I'm not there, piling on the pressure, making plans behind my back which I just think is so so rude and sneaky. I'd say she starts banging on about it at least once a month and this has been for at least a year now Hmmit's bad enough that she won't take no for an answer but he sneakiness is just not on.... AIBU?

Then, I found out, when I was at the height of a previous mental illness (severe anxiety) and was actually having a panic attack, she was talking to DH and instead of offering support for him and me, you know like 'if you need to talk' or 'if you need to have an hour to yourself' blah blah blah... well instead of that, she basically was talking to him about maybe leaving me?! Bearing in mind we've been together for 6 years, happily married AND i stood by him through two separate addictions?! During which she was nowhere to be seen! In fact, she chucked him out?! So to find this out I was massively upset, disgusted rather... AIBU?

And to top everything off DH FIL rings MULTIPLE times a day?! Yes, multiple! On an average day he'll ring around 8am, 11am, 2pm, 5pm (this is a FaceTime call) and sometimes 10pm.... basically, he asks the same thing in each of these phone calls and it goes as follows -

What's the weather like?
What have you had for tea?
What are you having for tea?
Have you been out?
Are you going out?
How much did that cost?
Where's DGD?
Put DGD on?
What time were you up?

AIBU to think his level of contact each and everyday is excessive and unhealthy? AIBU to feel like I don't want DH parents to know the ins and outs of our daily life? AIBU to want some privacy? Especially when shopping, getting in a car, walking around town or eating my tea?! My husband doesn't see a problem with it which has in turn caused problems between us recently, in fact, we had a blazing row about his mum on Friday Blush we hardly ever row but when we do, it tends to be about this same situation... I have gone from absolutely loving his mum to still loving her but resenting her and not enjoying time spent with her knowing what she has said and knowing what that she will try and pressure me in regards to DD....

AIBU to just want a glass of Wine?!

Goodness, I feel so so ashamed for feeling like this, the guilt is eating me up but I'm just so fed up Confused of course, I love them all but blimey, they are driving me NUTS!!

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 16/10/2016 22:18

Bit of a cliche, but you don't have an in law problem, you have a husband problem! He needs to switch it all off, for time with you. Maybe facetime them once a day and tell them that is it. It is kind of sweet that they want that level of contact, but it is also intrusive.

I love my DD to bits, but we speak every other day-ish, be it text, facetime, FB,phone. That is it. I take 'we are busy' for an answer.

Original poster
fruitysmoothie · 16/10/2016 22:19

Zulieka & justjoseph - I wish I could limit the calls but i think he thinks I'm being controlling when I suggest it Sad

Rabbitssaywoof - yes, this was last summer, 5 years together and 3 years of marriage with a daughter!

OP posts:
Original poster
fruitysmoothie · 16/10/2016 22:20

Mama - yep, I'm starting to realise a lot of this lies with my DH but he just won't dare upset them Blush

OP posts:
ICuntSeeYourPoint · 16/10/2016 22:21

Yanbu that's ridiculous. How do you and dh ever get into a conversation, or have a random kiss or cuddle in the evening - or even a spontaneous shag?! You bringing up dd and he's just there narrating it to his parents - he needs to join in with the actual living, not just talking about it. He needs to see the problem though. If you wrote down exactly how much time he spent every day facetiming for a week, do you think he would be shocked or would he just shrug? I think you need couples counselling to see each other's perspective about this and agree a way forward. It's really serious, if you both value the marriage invest in a few sessions with Relate.

AnneElliott · 16/10/2016 22:22

That is so much contact op, I don't wonder that you are fed up. However, unless you can persuade DH that it's an issue, I'm not sure what else you can do.

Onedaftmonkey · 16/10/2016 22:23

Oh my God (worth the whole phrase ) completely over the top.. why can't your ds tell them to call tomorrow. A few "I'm banging the wife " will show them how inconvenient the calls are.
My fil also tried that leave her she's mentally unstable schtick. Thankfully he was strong and tit for tat as I supported him through a break down. Mine on the other hand just let me get on with it. They don't judge. Are just their . You know just in case.
Disable your WiFi for a couple of days. Unplug the phone. Be a Family. Don't let the in laws ruin things.

needmymouthsewnup · 16/10/2016 22:23

Just turning this round a bit, is your DH an only child? Is it possible she's just lonely and really misses him? Not suggesting her behaviour is normal, obviously, butjust trying to work out her reasoning.

I have to say, MIL threads where men who are in touch with their mothers are referred to as 'mummy's boys' make me a bit sad, as I have a son and would hate for a future DIL to not want him to have regular contact with me (esp as relationships between women and their mothers don't appear to have any restrictions), so I often sympathise a bit with the MIL. But yours seems extreme. Have you asked your DH why he needs to speak to them so often? Is it guilt? Maybe he feels bad they don't live nearer and can't see DGD often??

For the o/n stays, you're not being unreasonable if you can't easily get to them and she disregards your rules anyway. Do you all go and stay? Could you compromise and all go up, but let in-laws do all the tea time/bed time/getting up in the morning etc to make it feel more like a sleepover - you could even go out for a meal near them in the evening and get a night off?

Original poster
fruitysmoothie · 16/10/2016 22:24

icuntseeyour - your right, maybe I should look into counselling as if anything is going to ruin this marriage at this point in time, it's probably going to be this Sad

OP posts:
user1475440127 · 16/10/2016 22:28

There is an off button OP.

ScrambledSmegs · 16/10/2016 22:29

Next time he tries to instigate sex, ask him if he wants to FaceTime his mum.

evelynj · 16/10/2016 22:33

That's bloody awful,mid be doing my nut in. Can you at least tell him if he takes these calls to leave you & walk away somewhere else - I hate dh or anyone else on the phone when I'm there, it's just rude & FaceTime is even worse.

Show him this thread or every time she rings, call someone else & start talking about your periods or something that they'd find off-putting. Just reading this has made me angry on your behalf. So glad my in laws are good. Still nuts but not this kind of nuts.

Original poster
fruitysmoothie · 16/10/2016 22:34

Needmymouth - nope, she has him, another son and a teenage daughter who lives with her. And no I don't think the reason is because of missing him, although I'm sure she does, but i don't think it's that as the level of contact was the same when we lived in the same town, just more physical.
He gets annoyed himself when his dad rings repeatedly but for some reason won't say anything? He just won't be straight with them! And yes, we have all been to stay, sometimes for a few days... she gets plenty of time with DD whether it be her coming here, is going there or a day out somewhere etc... in fact, she wants to be here practically every school holiday which is also a nuisance as I would like just one holiday MIL free!! She also turns up at the door unannounced and we are just expected to drop any plans we may have had..... she's also been talking about taking DD abroad?! Fat chance!! AIBU to think it should be her parents who take her on her first holiday? And at 4 she is too young to be swanning off without her parents for a week?! She just wants more and more all the time, nothing ever seems to be enough AngrySad

OP posts:
Original poster
fruitysmoothie · 16/10/2016 22:34

Scrambled - HAHA!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
fruitysmoothie · 16/10/2016 22:35

Evelynj - thank you Flowers

OP posts:
neveradullmoment99 · 16/10/2016 22:38

Sounds like my mum...
My dh gets SO pissed off. It is annoying like today when she phoned for no reason but she is lonely. I forgive her because she is old and i think one of these days i wont have her around.
My mum is in her 80's though. Sometimes i think she needs to get something to do like a hobby.

EweAreHere · 16/10/2016 22:38

You need to tell your DH that this level of communication, invasion of privacy, nosiness and pushiness by his parents is threatening your marriage. All the time he spends letting them be on the phone with him is time he's supposed to be spending time with your DD and you, his family. They are intruding on your family life, and it is affecting you not in a good way.

YOu have a DH problem, not just a PIL problem. It sounds like they have too much time on their hands, and it even sounds like they would love for your son to move closer to their home, with your DD perhaps?

You need to sit DH down and tell him this isn't working for you.

ZuleikaDobson · 16/10/2016 22:39

If he thinks you're controlling in suggesting he cut down contact down, again I suggest you get him to ask his friends and colleagues how long they spend on the phone to their parents every day - or better still, to tell them how long he spends. I suspect their reactions might make him think again about who is being controlling.

Goodasgoldilox · 16/10/2016 22:40

You could always try the response that often works for a clingy child... cling back harder? You need to phone before she does - often - so often that it could even become well - just a little inconvenient? I don't think that it would take long but you would need to devote some serious time to it for a while.

Original poster
fruitysmoothie · 16/10/2016 22:42

Neveradull - she is only 50 and works Blush

Ewearehere - yep, I think they would love to just adopt my DD, have DH live next door and be rid of me!! Ha!

Zulieka - I think I may just try that, thanks!

Goodasgoldilox - do you mean with DH or PIL?

OP posts:
Original poster
fruitysmoothie · 16/10/2016 22:43

The best bit is MIL and FIL are separated and live separately so how they are so alike in terms of contact is beyond men

OP posts:
Original poster
fruitysmoothie · 16/10/2016 22:43
  • me not men!
OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 16/10/2016 22:47

Face Time takes a bit of attention (more than just a phone stuck to your ear) because you're also looking at the screen as well as talking. You have to (usually) slow down walking (ok, at least I do)and pay attention to the person you're talking to. If you're out in public can you walk off briskly with DD and continue shopping or whatever when they call, and leave him 'alone' with them to trail behind? Maybe DH will get the message that you are not going to be held hostage to them. I might do the same at home, after 5 minutes get up and walk out saying "Oh dear, I think I left the bath running/kettle on the hob/hear the mailman/need to poo" and then don't come back.

Counseling is a good idea, for both of you.

RoseGoldHippie · 16/10/2016 22:47

Does this remind anyone else of the parents from Everybody Loves Raymond?

OP YADNBU you were saying you are hesterical I would be too if would drive me up the fucking wall! Good luck!

BurningBridges · 16/10/2016 22:48

OP, why did you say you love them - do you genuinely like these people? FiL sounds a bit odd and lonely, for a man I presume is in his 50s too, but MiL goes beyond that, I think you have a real problem there, and its one your DH needs to deal with. She's controlling and manipulative.

I don't quite understand your position as everything posters say you either respond with ha ha ha and a funny face, or you say oh no I can't do that, no he won't do that. So what do you think might happen next?

LuluJakey1 · 16/10/2016 22:49

DH speaks to his parents about once a week. I ring once a week during the day and DS gabbles down the phone to them. We see them about once every couple of months (they live about 130 miles away). They are lovely but I would not think so if I had to put up with what you are describing.

Just refuse to talk to her more than once a week and do the same with DD.It is ridiculous, controlling and intrusive.

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