Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU my mum is no help whatsoever?!!!!

208 replies

scarlettsmama · 13/10/2016 18:22

Hi guys- basically my mum is being a bit of a tosser. I live about 4 hours drive away from her- she works 3 days per week- my dad is retired.. my partner often works away from home- and works every Saturday. We have a 4yo and a 5yo.
Last week I wanted to go on a training course on a Saturday- my mum and dad had been talking about coming down- as they've not been down to see us for about 4 months ( me and the kids have been there twice since then- by two trains) and they are constantly calling and texting about how much they miss the kids so I asked if they could do that weekend and look after the kids on Saturday between 10.00 am and 4.00pm? My partner had been out of the country for a fortnight and I was knackered ( I work four days a week too) and wanted help. Their answer 'no, darling- we would rather come down when you'll be there too and not on a course!!"
Er..... thanks. Not.
Fast forward to now- I had planned to take the kids down on the train the first weekend of half term- again partner out of the country. Also it's my birthday on the Monday so stuffed if I want to spend it on my own with the kids. All was going fine- mum ramps up the text messages about how she can't wait to see the kids etc.... then this: I get a call from her today- their friend is also coming to stay that weekend from Ireland. They are all going to a gig Saturday night and he will be staying Saturday and Sunday night. I had planned to stay from Saturday to Wednesday. She wanted to know if DD could share with me and their Irish mate ( 60yr old man who I've met once about ten years ago) could sleep in the room DD normally has?!!! I was a bit Confused as at home my kids share a room so it's a massive novelty to go to my M and D's house and have separate bedrooms which they LOVE. Also- it means there'll be this bloke there all weekend when I wanted to kick back and hang out in my pyjamas while the kids get quality time with Nan and grandad. Why the fuck could they by just have said 'sorry- our grandkids are staying that weekend!??'
I'm so cross I feel like pulling plug on whole visit even though that means having birthday on own with kids - and kids not seeing Nan and grandad. Again.
What would you do? I'm ducking fuming.

OP posts:
Original poster
scarlettsmama · 14/10/2016 17:01

I've said that- they've said 'he's booked his flight now!

OP posts:
BurningBridges · 14/10/2016 17:05

Well OP seeing as our parents are, apparently, NOT obliged to help you, love you, spend time with you, want to be part of your family (according to many posters saying OP is being entitled) they may just as well be random strangers so I certainly wouldn't bother trekking over to their house. After all, they didn't bother coming over to you.

You wouldn't put up with this in a mutually respectful friendship, so unless the OP has major self esteem issues, why should she put up with it from parents?

BurningBridges · 14/10/2016 17:07

Frazzled said earlier "I really hate the attitude on here that once you hit adulthood that's it, don't dare expect your family to help out" - do you think people have that attitude because they themselves fully intend to treat their own kids with less consideration than you would a casual friend, the minute they hit 18?!

SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys · 14/10/2016 17:13

You sound rather childish and spoilt. YABU.

Headofthehive55 · 14/10/2016 17:13

IT seems to be the thing here that grandparents have the grandchildren only one at a time.

I don't think you can expect your mother to babysit. It's lovely if she wants to, but I don't think you can be miffed if she doesn't want. Have you thought about sone professional care? A nanny agency might be able to help.

Headofthehive55 · 14/10/2016 17:17

There is a difference between an obligation and an actual desire to spend time with someone.

FrancisCrawford · 14/10/2016 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Headofthehive55 · 14/10/2016 17:45

I don't think it will be an option very much longer. My mum worked in a career job but none of my friends mums did. So I saw lots available to help. I think with women not giving up work as much when they have children they will be less available.

I intend to be very much working full time - gaining back those years when I was a part time worker when my children are perhaps having their own children.

Bitofacow · 14/10/2016 17:50

Bloody hell - OP next time I'll baby sit. It's what people do to help other people. Human beings who like each other help out. Let alone family.

There are some seriously miserable people who object to being asked to babysit ONCE. The op was not asking for a weekly commitment or indentured fucking servitude.

This one time could you help me please? Totally unreasonable.

I'm travelling with 2 young children to visit you but you want to go out and get pissed. Oh it's my birthday but don't bother making a fuss about that, you just sort yourself out - like you can every other weekend.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/10/2016 15:59

OP, sounds like you've made the right decision to stay at home.

Other people's comments are making me laugh so much! How dare you want to spend some time with other adults on your birthday! Oh of course, it MUSTmean that you just don't love or enjoy your kids as much as some other posters! Hmm (Let's forget about the fact that you're on your own with the kids every fecking day and night as well as working and you're asking for ONE measly day in the year that it should actually be all about you)

As for people saying that the GP need down time too. Well yes they do and they get it every single night as well as weekends and the days they don't work. Sounds like plenty to me.

People will insist on coming on MN and embellishing the original situation with preposterous invented details such as the GP must be old and infirm (because their OWN parents are and so therefore OP's must be too Hmm) and so won't manage to spend 4 hours driving 6 hours babysitting, then a return journey.

Absolute ludicrous.

OP, you sound like a lovely, reasonable, hardworking, warm, family-orientated woman. I hope you have a lovely birthday, however you end up spending it.Flowers

Original poster
scarlettsmama · 15/10/2016 16:07

CurlyhairedAssasin- thanks so much that's exactly how I feel!! Xxx

OP posts:
HuskyLover1 · 15/10/2016 16:16

They are being hypocrites. They don't want to visit you, when you will be absent for a while on a course, yet they expect you to visit them, when they will be distracted by another visitor and be out on the Saturday night. I wouldn't go. And yes, my parents have babysat for my children hundreds of times over the years - and we live 330 miles apart! They are grown up now and have a great relationship.

leaveittothediva · 15/10/2016 16:35

Yeah, it's taking the rise really that your mother invites a friend to her own home, when you were expecting to decamp their with the grandkids and slob around in your pj's for the few days being waited on hand and foot no doubt. She really some nerve. Newsflash. She has a life of her own. You sound like a child, whose planned in their head how something is going happen, and then throw your toys out your pram when it doesn't. Don't expect, you'll never be disappointed. Wow. Your poor Mum.

Original poster
scarlettsmama · 15/10/2016 17:36

We had actually been invited- had plans to visit my nan etc who lives her and they have changed plans for that weekend to have a friend over - which of course anyone is entitled to do- we do all have our own lives as you quite rightly point out - so is there never any need to stick to a plan or host anyone else in your home web you've planned to? Can we all do whatever we fancy at any time no matter how it affects our family or friends just because- ' newsflash- we have or own lives?' At no point did I mention being waited on hand and foot- I'm just a working mum who wanted to hang out in her childhood home for a couple of days with my kids and visit my nan as we had all planned.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 15/10/2016 18:23

YANBU. If they want a good relationship with her grandkids and miss them so much then they need to put the effort in. Theyre not obliged obviously, which theyre making quite clear, and noones forcing them, but im not surprsed you feel a bit hard done by

littleprincesssara · 15/10/2016 18:29

"I really hate the attitude on here that once you hit adulthood that's it, don't dare expect your family to help out"

I think it's very sad that's how people interpret "not being willing to drop everything, ever, at any moment to do anything your offspring asks, or daring to have any kind of life yourself."

Apparently GP should just sit in a box until they're needed. And GP who physically can't help out whoever because they are disabled or need to work are just plain evil, right?

littleprincesssara · 15/10/2016 18:31

I don't think the OP or her mum have been in any way unreasonable btw. It's just s case of, everyone has shit going on in their lives and sometimes it affects other people.

DoinItFine · 15/10/2016 18:35

My parents would never treat me that way, nor I them.

I think they sound really rude and horrible and I would not be making any effort for them from now on.

Elbekind · 15/10/2016 20:04

YABU in the way that you are talking about your Mum and the way you are presenting yourself, even though I agree with what you're saying.
YANBU to expect help IMO. In my family we all muck together to help eachother out and it sounds very, very tough to have your partner away for so much and I would expect my parent's to help me out because they are my family and if it were reversed I would more than happily return the favour.
I also think YANBU to be upset that your mum has said she misses the children so much, however she has surrendered half of her opportunity to see them by having guests over, being hungover and entirely absent for some of the duration you're there.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 15/10/2016 21:53

To tell the truth, I have never expected help (financial, or childcare-wise) from my parents since I became an adult and haven't had it. It wasn't until I started reading Mumsnet that it dawned on me that other people live quite so much in the pockets of their families. None of my 11 cousins, or inlaws, even, rely heavily on their parents for assistance.

So, I have very little experience of this "help" from grandparents in my real life. In all the time that my children were babies, toddlers, at nursery, pre-school and primary school, I have only had ONE friend with a local parent/grandparent who has been able to help with babysitting and childcare. I live in London, where most people migrate in. They somehow get by without grandparent care on tap. To me this is completely normal.

You forge better friendships if you don't spend all your time hanging out with your parents, imo.

Original poster
scarlettsmama · 15/10/2016 22:10

I'm clearly not spending all my time hanging out with my parents- read the posts!

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 15/10/2016 22:23

I've read the whole thread, I've been here from the start. You live 4 hours drive away from your parents. You aren't going to see them much. You need other childcare in place to give you a bit of a breather when your dh is away.

Original poster
scarlettsmama · 15/10/2016 23:05
Smile
OP posts:
MissHemsworth · 15/10/2016 23:25

YADNU for wanting a bit of support from your parents. It's not like you wanted to go out & get drunk, it was a training course ffs! Your DM would have seen you when you got back anyway.

ohdearme1958 · 16/10/2016 05:05

You forge better friendships if you don't spend all your time hanging out with your parents, imo

People can and do manage to have very good friendships with others whilst being part of a family that help each other out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread