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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU my mum is no help whatsoever?!!!!

208 replies

scarlettsmama · 13/10/2016 18:22

Hi guys- basically my mum is being a bit of a tosser. I live about 4 hours drive away from her- she works 3 days per week- my dad is retired.. my partner often works away from home- and works every Saturday. We have a 4yo and a 5yo.
Last week I wanted to go on a training course on a Saturday- my mum and dad had been talking about coming down- as they've not been down to see us for about 4 months ( me and the kids have been there twice since then- by two trains) and they are constantly calling and texting about how much they miss the kids so I asked if they could do that weekend and look after the kids on Saturday between 10.00 am and 4.00pm? My partner had been out of the country for a fortnight and I was knackered ( I work four days a week too) and wanted help. Their answer 'no, darling- we would rather come down when you'll be there too and not on a course!!"
Er..... thanks. Not.
Fast forward to now- I had planned to take the kids down on the train the first weekend of half term- again partner out of the country. Also it's my birthday on the Monday so stuffed if I want to spend it on my own with the kids. All was going fine- mum ramps up the text messages about how she can't wait to see the kids etc.... then this: I get a call from her today- their friend is also coming to stay that weekend from Ireland. They are all going to a gig Saturday night and he will be staying Saturday and Sunday night. I had planned to stay from Saturday to Wednesday. She wanted to know if DD could share with me and their Irish mate ( 60yr old man who I've met once about ten years ago) could sleep in the room DD normally has?!!! I was a bit Confused as at home my kids share a room so it's a massive novelty to go to my M and D's house and have separate bedrooms which they LOVE. Also- it means there'll be this bloke there all weekend when I wanted to kick back and hang out in my pyjamas while the kids get quality time with Nan and grandad. Why the fuck could they by just have said 'sorry- our grandkids are staying that weekend!??'
I'm so cross I feel like pulling plug on whole visit even though that means having birthday on own with kids - and kids not seeing Nan and grandad. Again.
What would you do? I'm ducking fuming.

OP posts:
Grammar · 13/10/2016 19:18

I think you whining about someone, an old friend, staying from Ireland for 1 night (?2) and you sharing for 1 night a bedroom with your DC is not unreasonable, esp as it could be an unmovable feast.
I meant IS unreasonable...you sharing with your DC for 1 night is not

pinkblink · 13/10/2016 19:18

Your not being unreasonable at all! Your mum won't watch your kids as she wants you to all be together yet when you travel to her the time isn't as special and she is happy to have someone else there, I'd be annoyed too

Owllady · 13/10/2016 19:19

After 17 years I have the flip side of having grandparents (and in turn parents) who expect a close relationship still on their terms with a family who they don't understand and who they aren't close to.

The, I've done my bit is just an excuse imo and I don't understand it. I don't understand how my parents haven't wanted to support their daughter, their only daughter left, even though they knew I struggled and was alone several hundred miles away and the friends who were so important 17 years ago have been replaced severAl times over.

It is up to them, but that doesn't make it any easier or straightforward

zoebarnes · 13/10/2016 19:19

My parents are a bit like this op. I understand that and so I don't really expect anything from them in the way of help/support. But it does mean we're not very close, which is sad, but entirely their choice.
To all the posters saying they don't owe you babysitting, of course this is true, but fuck me, what a mean miserly way to live life. I've babysat for my neighbour before to help her out and we're not even related. I can't imagine refusing to babysit much loved grandchildren which would help out my child and make their life easier, especially if I didn't have a good reason, just couldn't be bothered, or wanted to make a point that 'I've done my childrearing' Confused.

Re: the friend also staying on sat/sun, I would just say thanks but no thanks and reschedule. Setting clear boundaries like this has really helped with my folks. They don't mean to be rude, but constantly prioritise other friends and relatives, so I just don't engage with it anymore. They don't have any obligation to help me or be thoughtful, but if they were more attentive and considerate I know that we would be much closer Sad

CarrotVan · 13/10/2016 19:20

My parents have never provided any care for their grandchildren or visited their children. My mum is housebound and my dad is her carer.

My MIL has done the occasional afternoon or evening but she lives at the other end of the country

My husband works away a lot. I work condensed hours (5 days in 4)

I understand your frustration but you're being really horrible about your mum

GiddyOnZackHunt · 13/10/2016 19:20

Lots of people have no family to help or indeed family who can't or won't help.
You just have to deal with it and going round calling them names is a bit silly.
Presumably they'd need to travel up Friday to be there for Saturday morning so it isn't just 6 hours.
Can't you ask in-laws?

PeppasNanna · 13/10/2016 19:21

You sound like an entitled brat!!
YABVU!

Headofthehive55 · 13/10/2016 19:21

No its not the job of grandparents to help out. It may be their pleasure.

Ours live some distance away and they occasionally help. I don't like to ask to be honest - we all don't see it as their role.

I don't plan to help much when I'm a gran. See them yes, but not provide childcare.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 13/10/2016 19:23

People who have a lot of help from their parents generally live closer than 4 hours drive away. I think its a bit tragic that you can't organise a day's childcare for your 4 and 5 year olds without immediately thinking of your parents (who must live more than 150 miles away) as a first port of call.

Many of us raise our children without help from the grandparents. You just seem to expect it as some sort of right? Are you not a grown up who makes your own decisions?

Owllady · 13/10/2016 19:25

It's good to be in company zoebarnes :) !
I've also helped people out. I suppose at some point in my childhood I was taught not to put myself first. Funny that Wink

Headofthehive55 · 13/10/2016 19:26

owlady no I don't think it's an excuse. I could imagine thinking I've done my bit. I have put a lot of my wants, ambitions on hold for my children, so I want to fulfill them - for me - when they are older. I really really don't want to wrestle with a toddler ever again!

deathandtaxes123 · 13/10/2016 19:26

YANBU OP

I know what it's like to have a partner work away. I work 5 days and he world away for about a year. It's bloody tough going Flowers

I have help from my parents so it really does help. I know your parents are not obliged to helo but it gives you false hope when they're telling you how much they miss the kids.

Sometimes we need our parents and it can sting a bit if they don't help.

Try not to sweat it and remember YANBU - coming from someone who has been in your position.

deathandtaxes123 · 13/10/2016 19:26

*worked away for about a year

maisyanddaisy · 13/10/2016 19:26

Jesus! OP, you are neither a brat nor entitled- you just want your mum to be a nicer, more thoughtful person than she is. I find it hard to believe that people on here think her refusing to babysit for your course was perfectly fine. It was selfish and mean.

WallisFrizz · 13/10/2016 19:26

I think op is having a hard time. She essentially asked her family to do her a favour that is well within their capabilities to do and they turned her down. No, they are not obliged but it is mean, most of us would help out our child if we could especially if it was a rare ask.

diddl · 13/10/2016 19:27

I think that YABU.

They are 4hrs away, you & your mum both work, they want to see you as well.

Presumably your husband looked after the kids so that you could do the course.

A friend is going to an event with them on the weekend that you are visiting.

NumanoidNancy · 13/10/2016 19:28

I have never had ANY babysitting help from relatives in nine years, its not a big deal. Its not actually something you are entitled to to be honest, its something they offer if they want to do it.

ImperialBlether · 13/10/2016 19:29

OP, this is MN, the only place in the world which is both a place for mothers and a place where your own mother doesn't have to do a damn thing for you, otherwise you're entitled and spoiled.

Of course your mum and dad should help you - that's what normal grandparents do. And of course you don't want to visit when their friend is there - who would?

diddl · 13/10/2016 19:29

What's wrong with a bday of just you & the kids?

Does that mean if it wasn't just you & them you wouldn't have arranged to go to your parents?

DontMindMe1 · 13/10/2016 19:29

i think your parents are the selfish, spoilt and entitled ones.

They only wants to see you and the gc on their terms, *Their answer 'no, darling- we would rather come down when you'll be there too and not on a course!!"

Which is fine. It means that you also have the right to only see them on your terms. Not much of an enjoyable holiday if you're squished into sharing rooms and the gc don't get the quality time with gp's who have 'miiiiiiiiised them sooooooo much!'

Just tell them that doesn't work for you or the kids and re-arrange for when their guest is gone.
And the next time they start making the 'missing you' comments - just them straight that they're being facetious.

deathandtaxes123 · 13/10/2016 19:29

bibbity

Your word choice is appalling.

Tragic? What kind of word is that to describe another mother?

I always think this is a supportive site then I see comments from posters like you and my heart sinks.

Original poster
scarlettsmama · 13/10/2016 19:30

I think the course was a bit of a disappointment at the time- I wasn't expecting it but they did say they wanted to come and visit so I then asked if it was ok for me to do it 10.30 till 4pm on the Saturday. Which was a 'no' then they didn't come down. This time I feel a bit like- as we've planned to visit them etc and now they've changed plans - just makes me feel a wee bit rejected and yes- on my first post I was cross and used the 't' word about my own mother- sorry to have offended anyone! Ok- I'll just go down there on the train with the kids Monday and stay two nights instead of the planned four. Thanks folks x

OP posts:
honeyroar · 13/10/2016 19:31

So when your parents drive down to visit you it's ok for you to arrange to go on a course, but when you go to visit her she is unreasonable because she has a friend there and wants to leave you alone for one night?

NoFuchsGiven · 13/10/2016 19:32

I have never had any help with 'childcare' as you put it, for 20 years from family, I don't want it, I don't expect it.

They are my dc not theirs. I also live 4 hours away from my family, it was MY choice to move 4 hours away. I presume it was yours too op?

Headofthehive55 · 13/10/2016 19:34

When you are older, you get more tired. Four hours each way is a long way. It isn't so much when you are younger. My parents don't drive in the dark so much and find the busy roads just so much more stressful than they used to. My dad used to drive all over Europe, now it's not so easy.

When you work you need to get yourself sorted out for the next week too. I wouldn't be keen about doing that task myself, bouncing straight back to work on Monday.

I understand your tiredness. My DH works away too.