AIBU my mum is no help whatsoever?!!!!

[scarlettsmama]

Hi guys- basically my mum is being a bit of a tosser. I live about 4 hours drive away from her- she works 3 days per week- my dad is retired.. my partner often works away from home- and works every Saturday. We have a 4yo and a 5yo.
Last week I wanted to go on a training course on a Saturday- my mum and dad had been talking about coming down- as they've not been down to see us for about 4 months ( me and the kids have been there twice since then- by two trains) and they are constantly calling and texting about how much they miss the kids so I asked if they could do that weekend and look after the kids on Saturday between 10.00 am and 4.00pm? My partner had been out of the country for a fortnight and I was knackered ( I work four days a week too) and wanted help. Their answer 'no, darling- we would rather come down when you'll be there too and not on a course!!"
Er..... thanks. Not.
Fast forward to now- I had planned to take the kids down on the train the first weekend of half term- again partner out of the country. Also it's my birthday on the Monday so stuffed if I want to spend it on my own with the kids. All was going fine- mum ramps up the text messages about how she can't wait to see the kids etc.... then this: I get a call from her today- their friend is also coming to stay that weekend from Ireland. They are all going to a gig Saturday night and he will be staying Saturday and Sunday night. I had planned to stay from Saturday to Wednesday. She wanted to know if DD could share with me and their Irish mate ( 60yr old man who I've met once about ten years ago) could sleep in the room DD normally has?!!! I was a bit as at home my kids share a room so it's a massive novelty to go to my M and D's house and have separate bedrooms which they LOVE. Also- it means there'll be this bloke there all weekend when I wanted to kick back and hang out in my pyjamas while the kids get quality time with Nan and grandad. Why the fuck could they by just have said 'sorry- our grandkids are staying that weekend!??'
I'm so cross I feel like pulling plug on whole visit even though that means having birthday on own with kids - and kids not seeing Nan and grandad. Again.
What would you do? I'm ducking fuming.

[daisypond]

Apart from the OP saying "tosser" about her parents, I don't think she's unreasonable at all. Families help each other out, not because it's expected, but because they want to. Not all the time, clearly, but sometimes. I think it's selfish and entitled not to help on occasion. My parents live over 4 hours away from me, and they definitely would have come and minded the DC for a few hours if I was on a course if I had no other options. In fact, they would have offered, even if I had other options, because they would have wanted to be the first option -
they want to spend time with the DC, they want to help me out. It all helps family bonding, but then we're a close family.

[diddl]

Tbh, you all sound about the same.

They want to visit when you are there & you don't want to visit when their friend is & have your kids have to share.

You all want it on your terms.

[DownTownAbbey]

YNBU OP! Not sure why pps are implying you're after constant or even regular babysitting .

[frenchielala]

Your mum is not being a tosser. Can't believe you'd call her that..

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

Four hours does seem a really long drive to look after your kids for six hours. I'm not sure you're entitled to that.

As for having someone over while you're there - why ever not? So you can sit in your pjs isn't a great reason. He might be great with the kids!

Asking you to share a bedroom with your dd is a total non-event.

[Owllady]

I've never had any help either, it doesn't me I've lost my ability to empathise
It's hard being on your own with young children. I found it relentless with the older two, though I still have the capacity to understand people found it easier too.
Generally though when someone is upset/angry/at the end of their tether, it's more humane to try to listen and offer advice. Sympathise, make that person feel better.
But this is the AIBU section of mumsnet so everyone is fair game and who cares. It's like UKIPToryLand

[Wrinklytights]

YANBU Agree with pp about the really weird MN attitude that being a parent is a responsibility that only lasts 18years. Yes the the OP chose to have children, but so did her parents, and having grandchildren comes along with that. It's not as if she's asking them to travel miles to do regular childcare - it was a request to help out on one occasion. And having another guest over and going out with them while their DD and DGC are staying is rude!

[228agreenend]

We are another family who didn't get help from family, despite inlaws living relatively close. I never thought I was entitled to free babysitting from them.

You mentioned how sometimes you are tired and want a rest. Unfortunately, being knackered is part and parcel of being a parent.

I think the type of relationship,you are seeking occurs when gp live close to the gran-kids, not four hours away.

You asked what's I would do? I would go and enjoy spending time with the parents, as a family, and not dump the kids on them.

[Bountybarsyuk]

I think it's a huge shame they couldn't have come on that occasion, or at least given it some thought. My mum is, if I'm honest, one of the main reasons I have a good career, because she comes and stays if I need to go to conferences, away days, work late. There's no obligation to do it, and sometimes she's not able to, but she helps when she can and that has been a huge reason I've been able to advance career-wise.

You won't change them though, I think you have to accept they don't want to do childcare, nor do they want to put you first when you do visit. I would cancel the visit anyway as I wouldn't be sharing a room with a strange man for anything!

I find all this talk of entitlement, not being owed anything, not relying on others very sad, lack of social support and social networks is a big factor in depression, anxiety and stress. So many people on Mumsnet have a really hard life, juggling a lot with no family support, even when the family could offer a bit of a helping hand, not even anything regular. It does all seem to be connected to me, and that's why I hope that my desire to do pretty much anything for my children that I have now doesn't just wear off once they move away/have their own children. I can't imagine it.

[Liiinoo]

I feel sorry for you. Sorry that your parents are applying a bit of a double standard -they want you to be around when they visit, but can go out when you visit. And sorry that you are getting such a hard time on this thread.

It sounds like a lot of time and expense to go down for just two nights. Stay at home that weekend. Have fun with your DCs. Are there any local friends you could invite over for wine and cake. Arrange to visit another time when it will just be family.

[KayTee87]

Only on mumsnet have I heard of grandparents not wanting to help out
Op yanbu (except tosser is a bit strong!) it seems they're not prioritising you and your kids at all. Yes they don't have to but do families not like to help each other out and prioritise each other?
I'm a married mother of one and I know I'm still one of my mums top priorities and she would always help me out and vice versa.

[WallisFrizz]

I don't get why people are so proud that their parents never help. It's a shame. Don't get me wrong, I think some people take advantage expecting daily or even weekly child care but, unless there is a backstory of abuse/bad feeling, then it is surely normal to ask your parents for help occasionally with childcare if you are in a pickle. I would expect that most gp would want to help in those situations as well.

[diddl]

Op, did you not go on the course then-was your husband still away?

[Wheresthewine36]

Whilst it isn't their duty to babysit (as I'm sure OP appreciates), it is nice to be supported, and sp chalky by your in parents. It's not as if they're being asked to babysit regularly.
Also, as your mum wanted to ensure you'd be present for the whole of their visit to your house, OP, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that they will be present for the whole of your visit to them, even more so as its your birthday. I don't think you're being unreasonable and as they don't get to see their grandchildren that often, I think it's pretty unreasonable of them to be hosting another guest at the same time as your visit,which will divert their attention from your children. Not much you can do about it but I understand why you're a bit miffed.xx

[BlackeyedSusan]

ah, you see your problem is that your friends parents help out. this just highlights the fact that your parents do not. It is always worse when there is a stark contrast.

mum is too old to help now, my dad used to help before he died. fil was good with ds but has got ill and is no longer capable after mil died. ex can't manage their disabilities. my neighbour has moved 100 miles away. the person who lived near school and could do emergency pick up has moved too far away... and basically I am up shit creek with no paddle if it all goes pear shaped. but, I do not have loads of people around me with masses of help. they are all cobbling together childcare as well. this makes it feel less bad as we are all in the same boat.

oh and I would be really pissed off with the double booking at your mothers.

I would sing but it would clear the thread..

[ScaredFuture99]

YABU and your mum IBU too.

I think lik it's fair that, is she comes over, it's to see the dcs AND you. She isn't just coming as childcare and that's it.
It also fair that when you come down to see her, she is making an effort for it to be about you and not have a mother friend staying over, plans etc... at the same time.

Fwiw, I appreciate my parents stepping up and helping in looking after the dcs. But I also make sure I do spend time with them (because I want to see them an I know they want to see me too). And I make sure that I'm not calling them ONLY when I need help.
On the other side, I also try and help as much as I can. So we've done work in the garden for them, helped with different bits and poieces etc...
It's a two ways process iyswim.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Oh, OP, sometimes I think I'm reading this on another planet.

As an example, someone wrote:"Sorry op but you sound like a spoilt entitled brat. I never had ANY help with my dc at all. Your kids, your responsibility."

This is the main problem on MN when it comes to do with childcare. People want to deny others the things that they themselves never got. It's pure jealousy. That's all. If people who say those things HAD had parents who helped more with the kids, I doubt very much they'd feel the same way.

You're really not asking for much, OP. You work 4 days a week, your other half works away (been there done that, it ain't great, you have my total sympathy) and you're asking for a bit of babysitting for a few hours no more than what, 3 times year? For work reasons. You don't want to go and have a spa day somewhere, or even go away for the night with your DH
for some much needed couple time. You are asking for them to look after THEIR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD for a few hours on a Saturday when childcare is kind of non-existent! And your DH is away working! Not on a stag do!

The people who have called you spoiled have left a really nasty taste in my mouth. They're all so cold and unfeeling. I'm glad they're not my parents.

And I'm saying this as someone who was a SAHM when my kids were little so that I wouldn't have to ask my parents or IL to child mind during the day as a regular arrangement. I realise it's harder for older people to mind kids. We were so skint because of it. My mum picks up DS2 after school one day a week now he is older and I'm grateful for that because after school care is nearly £12 per session. But they do go away themselves regularly and the agreement is that they should not restrict themselves because of picking DS2 one day a week, so they don't. Instead DH picks DS2 up from school when they are on holiday.

They have the kids overnight every 3 months or so and all enjoy the benefit. It's called being a close and loving family and sharing warm relationships. I just don't get the MN stance on this at all.

I've never asked my mum to babysit so that I can go on a shopping trip, or on any kind of pampering session for me - DH does that. But she acknowledges that every couple of years DH and I feel the benefit of 2nights away in a hotel and happily has the kids for us, as she remembers what it's like to be a parent! She will also happily babysit for any appointments I have eg smear and mammogram where it's awkward to take kids.

I do not take the piss. I do not want to take advantage of her. But when your own DD asks for help with a difficult childcare and situation and you turn them down, then you have to be a special kind of selfish.

I CAN understand your mum wanting to host the visitor from Ireland. As has been suggested, I would just compromise and o when the visitor has left, that's all. Your mum and dad DO still need their own life and interests especially if your mum still works (mine is retired and hasn't worked for years anyway before that), and it's important that they keep up with friends. So, if this were me, I would gladly let my mum and dad enjoy their visitor without me being there, and then go after he's gone. Don't forget the visitor might also feel awkward if you are there with your kids when he is.

[camtt]

YANBU I think it's part of the social contract, and unless there are reasons such as abuse, if the parents are able they should help out. My parents have helped out, even though they are elderly and quite far away, as their parents helped them. My DM cared for her parents when they were elderly, and if at all possible I will do the same. I don't think every woman for herself is the ideal social model.

[wornoutboots]

I get it, OP.
my mother is very much "oh I would love to see more of my grandkids" yet has yet to meet my almost 4 year old (I can't afford the train fare - it would cost less than a third for her and her husband to drive up and they're retired so have the time. It's a 4 hour hassle by train or a 3 hour drive for them directly)

and never phones for no reason, usually to thank me for a present. So 3 times a year for mothering sunday, her birthday, and Yule.

Yet I hear via friends from back home that I am keeping them away from her. I'm not.

But yep, she'd love to see the grandchildren more (has only met 1 out of 3 and he was only 1 year old at the time so doesn't remember)

it's very frustrating!

[LillianGish]

You are as bad as each other - she doesn't want to see you unless she has your undivided attention and are not on a course and you don't want to see them unless you have their undivided attention and they have no one else staying.

[FrameyMcFrame]

Yanbu
I'd cancel, you won't be able to just chill. Life is hard with 2 kids and grandparents should be prepared to step in from time to time to give you a break. They get to spend time with their grandchildren so the arrangement is reciprocal

[ohdearme1958]

Does no one else have help from their folks?!

Yes they do. And I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about what should have been an exciting visit home to your parents where you'd get mollycoddled for a few days.

I have 5 children and 6 grandchildren. I love looking after all of them and making them feel special.

[tempester28]

I think that some parents are not very helpful at all and as some people on here say - they don't have to be. However, in my case my mum is helpful to a point but she often makes me feel that she has much better things to do and maybe she does. However I remember that when I was a child my grandmother (who was older than my own mother as a grandmother) was always looking after us and I remember my parents dropping us off for the weekend (quite regularly) and they would go out. They were good parents I hasten to add, however my grandmother was a very traditional kind old lady who enjoyed being with her grandchildren (or so I believed!) and she allowed my mum to have plenty of time without her children. I suppose the point I am trying to make is that this generation of grandparents don't seem to have the same attitude to kids and some even seem, dare I say, not to even like children!

[Mishaps]

Speaking as a grandmother.........

I love my GC with all my heart, but they are not my responsibility and my DDs know that. I look after them a lot, but my DDs ALWAYS respect that I have my own life to lead; that if I have other engagements those should be respected. I would always be there in an emergency and they know that - the family would take precedence. But otherwise they respect our lives and do not feel entitled.

They chose their lives and to have children and they see that as their prime responsibility and not ours. We are there to back them up when needed, but we are not at their beck and call, and they have no problem with that.

[PrimalLass]

Yabu expecting them to watch your dc for you. Their your responsibility not your parents.

Fuck that. Most normal families do these hings for each other.