AIBU my mum is no help whatsoever?!!!!

[scarlettsmama]

Hi guys- basically my mum is being a bit of a tosser. I live about 4 hours drive away from her- she works 3 days per week- my dad is retired.. my partner often works away from home- and works every Saturday. We have a 4yo and a 5yo.
Last week I wanted to go on a training course on a Saturday- my mum and dad had been talking about coming down- as they've not been down to see us for about 4 months ( me and the kids have been there twice since then- by two trains) and they are constantly calling and texting about how much they miss the kids so I asked if they could do that weekend and look after the kids on Saturday between 10.00 am and 4.00pm? My partner had been out of the country for a fortnight and I was knackered ( I work four days a week too) and wanted help. Their answer 'no, darling- we would rather come down when you'll be there too and not on a course!!"
Er..... thanks. Not.
Fast forward to now- I had planned to take the kids down on the train the first weekend of half term- again partner out of the country. Also it's my birthday on the Monday so stuffed if I want to spend it on my own with the kids. All was going fine- mum ramps up the text messages about how she can't wait to see the kids etc.... then this: I get a call from her today- their friend is also coming to stay that weekend from Ireland. They are all going to a gig Saturday night and he will be staying Saturday and Sunday night. I had planned to stay from Saturday to Wednesday. She wanted to know if DD could share with me and their Irish mate ( 60yr old man who I've met once about ten years ago) could sleep in the room DD normally has?!!! I was a bit as at home my kids share a room so it's a massive novelty to go to my M and D's house and have separate bedrooms which they LOVE. Also- it means there'll be this bloke there all weekend when I wanted to kick back and hang out in my pyjamas while the kids get quality time with Nan and grandad. Why the fuck could they by just have said 'sorry- our grandkids are staying that weekend!??'
I'm so cross I feel like pulling plug on whole visit even though that means having birthday on own with kids - and kids not seeing Nan and grandad. Again.
What would you do? I'm ducking fuming.

[PhilomenaCatLover]

Wow OP I really feel for you. I suppose many people didn't read your OP properly + AIBU is quite harsh but this is ridiculous.

"My parents are coming down for a 3-4 day stay and I asked if they'd help out babysitting for six hours so I can do a training course, when my mum keeps saying she misses GCs and wishes she could do more?"
MN: grow up sort your own shit out how dare you ask that of GPs

"Ok they invited me to come spend my birthday with them and now have changed plans to have a friend over instead and go drinking so I'm not sure I want to go do that"
MN: oh you're a horrible person who hates her kids.

Whew! You made the right call, and sure you've learned your lesson that your DM is all talk but doesn't mean any of it. So I wouldn't expect any help from her, and next time she texts saying she misses her DGC etc I'd be inclined to say something snarky in return like I'm sure she'll enjoy their company a lot more once they're grown up and can drink and go to gigs etc

[Scarydinosaurs]

I think the negative posts came because you conflated two different examples of their flakiness, the first of which wasn't actually that unreasonable of them.

Your mum is unreasonable to constantly moan about missing you when she then alters plans once they're made to minimise her time with your DC. I would ignore all her texts about how much she misses them. She misses the idea of them.

[Optimist3]

I am about to read the whole thread but my initial thoughts are. It's fine do them not to travel 4 hours each way to cover one days childcare. Maybe use friends or babysitters for that? Although it would have been super kind if they had helped out then.

Secondly I would not Want to visit your parents under such circumstances and would cancel.

I would let let them learn to alternate visits so you don't have to always travel. It might mean waiting it out a bit or texting back saying 'feel free to visit us'

[Optimist3]

We had a huge gap when they didn't see our kids because we were waiting for them to come and see us. It took them a bout 8 months for them to grasp the alternating visits thing.

[Agerbilatemycardigan]

I'm a bit torn on this one really. On one hand I'd agree with PPs that your mum's done her bit, but as a GP myself who until recently worked full time and still had my grandchildren to stay every other weekend, I don't understand why they can't be more flexible. I also don't have a partner to help out with my DGC when they stay.

[tralaaa]

Goodness I feel for you I don't think your spoilt at all if you parents had come down for the weekend and you went on your course I would have seen that as a win win situation. They were unkind most grandparents would like to help. Go to your parents and all sleep together you probably will have a fun time and the children spoilt by the other guests, you can still lay about in pyjamas. Go and have a nice birthday

[scrumptiouscrumpets]

You were bound to get loads of "suck it up" responses, people who don't get any help from their parents and get by obviously envy who has help and try to convince themselves it's normal for GP to not want to babysit. Which it isn't.
of course there isn't a law obliging GP to babysit, but it is what most GP happily do. Unfortunately, your GP don't seem to be that interested in your kids, so you'll just have to give up on the idea of them helping. They're entitled to not wanting to help and enjoying their retirement without having to look after their daughter's kids, but yanbu about being annoyed. You don't sound spoilt or entitled.
I'd cancel the trip and ignore all future texts about how they'd love to see you and your DC, they're obviously meaningless.

[daisypond]

I'm in London and my parents and my ILs would come and childmind occasionally - hundreds of miles they had to travel. This wasn't for regular childminding or babysitting, but for special events - a few days in the summer of Christmas holidays each when I had to work, a wedding away where children weren't invited, for a day-long course, these sorts of things. They were arranged some time in advance, and my parents and ILs came because they wanted to see the GC and wanted to help me. My grandmother now dead, always remembered when she was a young mother with little children and she once asked her ILs (lived around the corner) to babysit one evening so she could go to the cinema with her husband, their son. She got the reply, "They're your children, you look after them." Her own parents would happily babysit occasionally and did so. She never asked her ILs again. Even when my grandmother was very old with severe dementia she remembered all her life the time when the ILs refused to babysit for a couple of hours and the comment they made.