AIBU my mum is no help whatsoever?!!!!

[scarlettsmama]

Hi guys- basically my mum is being a bit of a tosser. I live about 4 hours drive away from her- she works 3 days per week- my dad is retired.. my partner often works away from home- and works every Saturday. We have a 4yo and a 5yo.
Last week I wanted to go on a training course on a Saturday- my mum and dad had been talking about coming down- as they've not been down to see us for about 4 months ( me and the kids have been there twice since then- by two trains) and they are constantly calling and texting about how much they miss the kids so I asked if they could do that weekend and look after the kids on Saturday between 10.00 am and 4.00pm? My partner had been out of the country for a fortnight and I was knackered ( I work four days a week too) and wanted help. Their answer 'no, darling- we would rather come down when you'll be there too and not on a course!!"
Er..... thanks. Not.
Fast forward to now- I had planned to take the kids down on the train the first weekend of half term- again partner out of the country. Also it's my birthday on the Monday so stuffed if I want to spend it on my own with the kids. All was going fine- mum ramps up the text messages about how she can't wait to see the kids etc.... then this: I get a call from her today- their friend is also coming to stay that weekend from Ireland. They are all going to a gig Saturday night and he will be staying Saturday and Sunday night. I had planned to stay from Saturday to Wednesday. She wanted to know if DD could share with me and their Irish mate ( 60yr old man who I've met once about ten years ago) could sleep in the room DD normally has?!!! I was a bit as at home my kids share a room so it's a massive novelty to go to my M and D's house and have separate bedrooms which they LOVE. Also- it means there'll be this bloke there all weekend when I wanted to kick back and hang out in my pyjamas while the kids get quality time with Nan and grandad. Why the fuck could they by just have said 'sorry- our grandkids are staying that weekend!??'
I'm so cross I feel like pulling plug on whole visit even though that means having birthday on own with kids - and kids not seeing Nan and grandad. Again.
What would you do? I'm ducking fuming.

[minipie]

"they are constantly calling and texting about how much they miss the kids"

This is the bit that means they are BU.

They can't pretend to be doting GPs and then decide that (a) they don't want to come look after their GCs, they only want to come when their DD is there too and (b) they'll arrange to go out/have a guest when their GCs are coming to stay.

If they were just uninvolved grandparents that would be reasonable. Unfortunate but reasonable. But they want to have it both ways.

So YANBU.

[SienaSun]

Your mum does sound like a tosser. Families should help each other. They were perfectly capable of helping out with babysitting while you were on the course but they couldn't be bothered. Inviting a friend to stay when they'd already planned for you to visit is rude and selfish.
Ignore the nasty comments OP, YANBU at all

[RabbitsNap01]

yanbu, but i say from experience that rather than dwelling on it as i have, try and put money aside to hire babysitters or take days off when they're at school/nursery for a mental break or other ways to ease your life. I've spent too many years being resentful, especially as my own GP were wonderful and we stayed with them all the time. I feel sorry for my dc too that they have so few people in their life that care about them, and spend time with them, it's so sad that I'm always paying for childcare, my DC are going to realise at some point that nearly everyone they know is childcare I've paid for.

[PrimalLass]

*things

[memyselfandaye]

You made a huge mistake posting on here regarding Grandparents baby sitting. Most people will tell you that you are a spoilt entitled wanker for even thinking your parents could help you out.

Fwiw, I'm not one of them. My own Mother is my child minder while I'm at work, and has been for 5yrs, at her insistance.

All of my friends parents either were or are currently the ones that do the childcare and pick up and drop offs, lots of grandparents in the school playground too.

It just seems the norm around here.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

They live 4 hours drive away. 4 hours! I cannot remember the last time I drove 4 hours straight - probably our last holiday in Devon which was 5 hours and pretty arduous. As someone else has pointed out they would have to drive down the day before to be available. Presumably they don't see much of their dd as they live a long way apart so no, it is not unreasonable to want to spend time with her too in between two very long drives like that!

How can op think that these older people who live 4 HOURS drive away are the perfect ones to take care of her dc when she wants to go on a course for the day? It is not their fault either that the dc father is so unavailable.

[purplefox]

I know how you feel, there's been SO many times my mum has complained she never sees DS yet when it comes down to her actually seeing him she refuses. There's been countless times where I've needed her help for work training events, conferences and so on and she just point blank refuses.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Her mum does NOT sound like a tosser! Come on, how fucking rude is that?

[SienaSun]

Unfortunately, being knackered is part and parcel of being a parent
Not for me because I have loads of support from my family. This is good for everyone in the family. Grandparents enjoy spending time with the grandkids and vice versa. It's unfortunate that some people don't get any help from their families but it's not something to aspire to or be proud of.

[DoinItFine]

I think your mum does sound like a tosser.

Laying guilt trips on you the whole time is shite.

Refusing to visit for a weekend because you won't be at their beck and call constantly is just shite from parents.

Mist parents in a position to help would do that without blinkimg an eye.

And the massuve double standard that they can't even be atsed spending time with you as olanned because they now have a better offer.

Cancel going down altogether and face the fact that they just like talking about being grandparents.

4 hours is too far to drag children to see people who give so few fucks about any if you.

Stay at home and work on yoyr local relationships with people who actually care.

[ohdearme1958]

It just seems the norm around here

Here also. Thankfully.

[harderandharder2breathe]

My own parents had no help from either set of my grandparents when my brother and I were little. And we wouldn't expect help from our parents now. Mainly in all cases, due to distance, but also cause that's not what my family does.

Lots of people I know have close family who do lots of all childcare.

But OP, younlive four hours away from your mum! There's little she can do on a practical front. Your children have two parents, but YOUR parents are only grandparents, you and your kids are your own responsibility

[SienaSun]

Her mum does NOT sound like a tosser! Come on, how fucking rude is that?
Not as rude as making plans with to go out with a friend, when you'd already arranged to have your daughter and grandkids to stay. Especially since the OP has been to visit several times with young kids on the train and her parents can't be bothered to drive to see her. Yes, that makes her mum and dad both sound like tossers.

[AllegraAlmond]

YANBU op. I don't understand GPs who aren't willing to help their children, and in turn their GC. I would be upset if this was my DM, it seems very selfish behaviour imo. No other advice, but wanted to say I understand why you feel the way you do.

[SchoolTortoise]

I totally sympathise OP, why on earth shouldn't you be able to count on your family for some support? especially with the whole making a fuss about missing their GC thing. It sounds like it's very much about the appearance of things rather than the actual relationship with the GC and of course that is going to be hurtful.

[Mummyamy123]

Yes I'd be pretty annoyed if we had arranged to visit and they decided to have a friend to stay!
Also they chose not to come to you when you were on your course because they wanted to see you. But when you're going to them they're going out?!?
I wouldn't be going, rearrange for another weekend and maybe see about going to stay with a friend/another relative for your birthday if you don't want to be home with the kids (understandable). Good luck!!

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

SienaSun - this is a friend who lives in a different country and is coming over for a particular event, not just matey down the road who they can see any time. He will be there for two nights, op wants to be there for 4 or 5 nights. She is not being a bit of a tossers!

I can't get over the entitlement on this thread. Ugh.

You grow up, you go your own way, you make your own choices, you should just own it and get on with it. Especially if you live 4 hours drive away!!

[SienaSun]

All of my friends parents either were or are currently the ones that do the childcare and pick up and drop offs, lots of grandparents in the school playground too
My mum and dad have a group of friends who are all other GP they met at soft play . GP childcare is the norm here too, luckily.

[CaliforniaHorcrux]

Does no one else have help from their folks?!

No. My parents died many years ago and I live hundreds of miles from my home area and am a single parent of four with no friends or support around

People who have help and take it for granted just don't know how lucky they are and shouldn't be complaining when they don't get their own way every time

[SienaSun]

Bibbity - he's coming from Ireland, not Australia. Depending on where parents live it could well take him less time from Ireland than it will take OP on the train.

You grow up, you go your own way, you make your own choices, you should just own it and get on with it. Especially if you live 4 hours drive away!!
I think that's really sad and I'm so glad my lovely family don't think like that. If that is "entitlement" I can live with that

[KellyElly]

I haven't bothered to read the whole thread, because after eight years here I know how this goes.

YANBU at all, but so many people on here seem to think grandparents shouldn't have to help out and you have no right to ask or be pissed off.

In real life however, of course you do. Grandparents should want to help out their children and spend time with their grandchildren, that's what family is all about.

My partner is Spanish and they are absolutely shocked by the way some people think in this country.

[RumbleMum]

I do understand the MN line that GPs aren't obliged to help - of course they aren't - but I just don't get that they wouldn't want to help out sometimes, if they can, because isn't that what we do for the people we love - to help make someone's busy, tiring life a little easier? And have some quality time with the GC at the same time.

[KellyElly]

My grandparents brought me up; first my great grandparents, then my grandparents. My mum was a teenage mum and not a natural mother, so thank god for them. I cherish the relationship I had with them and them with me. I find it really sad the way people think on this website or even in this country. It's really not the same mindset the world over, thank god.

[Penhacked]

I'm on your side OP. I think they sound very self involved and haven't thought at all about the help you obviously would appreciate versus what fits in with their carefree and semi retired lives. And having some random bloke there stayingbabthe same time as the grandchildren is frankly just rude. I would have cancelled on that situation and written "no mum, I'd rather not come, we are coming to see you not your friend"

[Shakirawannabe]

Yanbu

You don't sound spoilt.
I think it's a bit hypocritical of your mum to say she will come another weekend because you are on a course but then when you arrange to go to her she invited another guest and made plans to go out!
My dh works away a lot and was away for my birthday this year so I know how much it sucks.

Can't you get a babysitter and go and have a good night out with your friends?