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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU my mum is no help whatsoever?!!!!

208 replies

scarlettsmama · 13/10/2016 18:22

Hi guys- basically my mum is being a bit of a tosser. I live about 4 hours drive away from her- she works 3 days per week- my dad is retired.. my partner often works away from home- and works every Saturday. We have a 4yo and a 5yo.
Last week I wanted to go on a training course on a Saturday- my mum and dad had been talking about coming down- as they've not been down to see us for about 4 months ( me and the kids have been there twice since then- by two trains) and they are constantly calling and texting about how much they miss the kids so I asked if they could do that weekend and look after the kids on Saturday between 10.00 am and 4.00pm? My partner had been out of the country for a fortnight and I was knackered ( I work four days a week too) and wanted help. Their answer 'no, darling- we would rather come down when you'll be there too and not on a course!!"
Er..... thanks. Not.
Fast forward to now- I had planned to take the kids down on the train the first weekend of half term- again partner out of the country. Also it's my birthday on the Monday so stuffed if I want to spend it on my own with the kids. All was going fine- mum ramps up the text messages about how she can't wait to see the kids etc.... then this: I get a call from her today- their friend is also coming to stay that weekend from Ireland. They are all going to a gig Saturday night and he will be staying Saturday and Sunday night. I had planned to stay from Saturday to Wednesday. She wanted to know if DD could share with me and their Irish mate ( 60yr old man who I've met once about ten years ago) could sleep in the room DD normally has?!!! I was a bit Confused as at home my kids share a room so it's a massive novelty to go to my M and D's house and have separate bedrooms which they LOVE. Also- it means there'll be this bloke there all weekend when I wanted to kick back and hang out in my pyjamas while the kids get quality time with Nan and grandad. Why the fuck could they by just have said 'sorry- our grandkids are staying that weekend!??'
I'm so cross I feel like pulling plug on whole visit even though that means having birthday on own with kids - and kids not seeing Nan and grandad. Again.
What would you do? I'm ducking fuming.

OP posts:
Frazzledmum123 · 13/10/2016 23:12

Oh wow, I am really surprised you are getting so many people think it is unreasonable to ask for a little bit of help once in a blue moon from your parents and to actually expect them to spend the weekend with you and not a friend when it sounds like it was all planned?!!

Of course it is not their responsibility to look after your children but it doesn't sound to me like you think it is and I really hate the attitude on here that once you hit adulthood that's it, don't dare expect your family to help out. My parents aren't great at offering to help but if I ever need them, they are 100% there for me, it's called being part of a family! I have not had my children with the idea that once they are past a certain age they can expect no help from us at all - it would be one thing if you were moaning about them not offering to have them everyday while you work or every weekend to give you a break but when they are free and you needed them I agree it is a bit selfish of them to say no

As for the birthday thing I think that is crap of them. It's not spoilt to want to spend quality time with your parents and not expect them to double book you when it had already been planned, I'm sorry but that is just rude - I wouldn't expect a friend to do this let alone grandparents who apparently desperately want to spend time with you all. And I also wouldn't be happy having some virtual stranger (to you) sleeping in the same house as my kids. If they had made arrangements with you and the kids were looking forward to it then they should have stuck with it. Separate rooms may sound petty but if it part of the fun for your kids and they know it then it is just selfish

Definitely not being unreasonable in my opinion x

littleprincesssara · 13/10/2016 23:19

Vulty that's a pretty harsh comment you're making yourself.

All I can say is there is no way I could physically do what the OP expects her mother to do, my health would not be able to stand up to it. And I'm not an elderly person who works.

diddl · 14/10/2016 08:25

I think that it was mean of them not to come when you wanted to do the course, they would still have had some time with you.

That said, you're now not going exactly when you intended as they will have a friend there.

So I still think that you are pretty much cut from the same cloth.

You both seem to take it as an affront if things alter slightly!

ToastyFingers · 14/10/2016 08:36

I'm on your side OP.

They cancelled on you, as soon as your plans changed, so as to slightly inconvenience them (or not, depending on how much they actually want to see their grandchildren) and yet, you make plans to spend your birthday with them, they choose to fuck off to a concert and invite a virtual stranger to stay, and your supposed to just suck it up!?

I'd cancel to be honest, DP's side of the family are like this, they spend half the time whining that they don't get to see the kids but never EVER make the effort to come to us.

Penhacked · 14/10/2016 08:40

LittlePrincess is a perfect name for you if your health couldn't stand up to sitting in a cat for three hours. Could you really not sit on your bum from 8am-11am with a couple of wee stops?!

Headofthehive55 · 14/10/2016 09:39

No penhacked some people can't. Surprising I know when you are healthy, you don't realise what it's like to be unwell. A four and five year old are not easy to look after for six hours.

Original poster
scarlettsmama · 14/10/2016 10:17

My folks are perfectly healthy- so it wasn't me asking two very elderly and ill people to babysit while they were already down for the weekend anyway. I completely agree if they had any health concerns I wouldn't even be ok with them driving down here- let alone looking after my children for 6 hours.
It just makes me Hmm when they go on about missing them, thus putting me into a false sense of security to think that when I finally do take the children to stay with them that they would want to hang out and have some family time and not change plans and have a boozy gig weekend with their friend there who me and the kids have never met. I don't think that's going to work as it's a bit of an odd mix. So I'll go down there when their friend has gone- but I do feel a bit like they should have stuck to the plan and I can't help but think it's a bit weird. Not that they can't have a social life or any of that- they totally should! But not when the GC who they've been presenting as desperate to see have already been booked in for the weekend and mum had taken the Monday off work to see them!

OP posts:
Original poster
scarlettsmama · 14/10/2016 10:18

Thanks Toastyfingers.. my first mumsnet post has been a real experience! X

OP posts:
StrangeLookingParasite · 14/10/2016 12:52

So when your parents drive down to visit you it's ok for you to arrange to go on a course, but when you go to visit her she is unreasonable because she has a friend there and wants to leave you alone for one night?

No, because that's not what was happening.

FrancisCrawford · 14/10/2016 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redskytonight · 14/10/2016 12:57

I also agree it's nice for GPs to help out (though it shouldn't be expected). But I'm guessing most of the folks on this thread who have GPs who DO help out, have GPs that live closer than 4 hours away. You are just not going to get the same sort of involvement when the distance is so great!

Libitina · 14/10/2016 13:04

Does no one else have help from their folks?!

I never did and due to DH being in the armed forces we were usually hundreds of miles from family, plus he was often away for months at a time.

OP YABU to 'expect' the help. It is not a right.

IceIceIce · 14/10/2016 13:10

Since when do grandparents not have to babysit?!
That's a load of bullocks it's what they're for.

WOW I had no idea that the fact you fell out of someone's womb gave you rights over that whole entire person and control over what they do!

expatinscotland · 14/10/2016 13:18

'Of course it is not their responsibility to look after your children but it doesn't sound to me like you think it is and I really hate the attitude on here that once you hit adulthood that's it, don't dare expect your family to help out. My parents aren't great at offering to help but if I ever need them, they are 100% there for me, it's called being part of a family! '

It's a two-way street this 'being part of a family' but all too often on MN it means the parents babysitting, giving money, providing some sort of service and not the other way round.

If they 'miss' the GCs then they have an obligation to babysit on the adult child's terms.

IceIceIce · 14/10/2016 13:19

I think you're both being unreasonable OP.
You're complaining about your mum going out for one night because it's near your birthday (Try having jehovahs witness ILS.) Yet you were happy to do the same to her and swan off all day.

I don't think you're wrong for asking for help. I just think it sounds like you're both very alike and are clashing because of it.

FrancisCrawford · 14/10/2016 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemondropcake · 14/10/2016 13:29

YANBU
nothing like looking forward to a nice relaxing break with family and then be told actually someone else is staying in the house once it is all arranged.
I wouldn't be happy and not able to relax. I'm not a people person though and like my own space.
Nothing wrong with craving a bit of help with the kids when you work hard and have the kids all the time. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for it.

amicissimma · 14/10/2016 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 14/10/2016 13:58

How wonderful for you amicissimma. Tell me, is it your gear skill in empathy and compassion that makes you such a natural mother?

amicissimma · 14/10/2016 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
scarlettsmama · 14/10/2016 16:10

amicissima- what a silly thing to come up with - I'll be spending the week before half term and the week of half term with my children on my own- and it's like that a LOT of the time so of course it's completely natural to want family around on my birthday- my partner will be away- I had arranged to spend a weekend with my family- but now I can't. So that's it. So strange how you're judging my attitude to my children in one fell swoop over one comment on mumsney knowing nothing about me, my children, my job etc! Although there have been far more 'out there' comments on this board so maybe it's normal on here for that!

OP posts:
Original poster
scarlettsmama · 14/10/2016 16:14

FrancisCrawford- my parents get plenty of downtime- my two are their only grandchildren and they very, very rarely look after them without me there have never had them for a sleepover or anything like that. I wasn't going off to get my nails done or do something fun- it was a training course I had the opportunity to go on! 'When are they allowed downtime?!' Whenever they like, clearly!

OP posts:
LePetitPont · 14/10/2016 16:26

YANBU. If the plan was for them to be there the whole weekend and you asked for 6 hours support whilst you went on a course for work, it is not the same as demanding 2 x 4 hour journeys on the same day.

Equally the special birthday weekend now with extra random friend of your parents is not ideal... why would they think that was a good idea?! I like a pp plan of booking a babysitter and getting out with your friends!

Original poster
scarlettsmama · 14/10/2016 16:30

That's what I'm going to do- spoke to mum today- this guys flight back isn't till Monday night so I'm staying put- taking the kids out to the woods and then going out in the evening if I can get a babysitter x

OP posts:
MLGs · 14/10/2016 16:43

Yanbu.

I would be sad if my wouldn't help once in a blue moon after complaining about missing kids.

Also the mate staying is a big pain. Can you say that you aren't comfortable with this?