AIBU my mum is no help whatsoever?!!!!

[scarlettsmama]

Hi guys- basically my mum is being a bit of a tosser. I live about 4 hours drive away from her- she works 3 days per week- my dad is retired.. my partner often works away from home- and works every Saturday. We have a 4yo and a 5yo.
Last week I wanted to go on a training course on a Saturday- my mum and dad had been talking about coming down- as they've not been down to see us for about 4 months ( me and the kids have been there twice since then- by two trains) and they are constantly calling and texting about how much they miss the kids so I asked if they could do that weekend and look after the kids on Saturday between 10.00 am and 4.00pm? My partner had been out of the country for a fortnight and I was knackered ( I work four days a week too) and wanted help. Their answer 'no, darling- we would rather come down when you'll be there too and not on a course!!"
Er..... thanks. Not.
Fast forward to now- I had planned to take the kids down on the train the first weekend of half term- again partner out of the country. Also it's my birthday on the Monday so stuffed if I want to spend it on my own with the kids. All was going fine- mum ramps up the text messages about how she can't wait to see the kids etc.... then this: I get a call from her today- their friend is also coming to stay that weekend from Ireland. They are all going to a gig Saturday night and he will be staying Saturday and Sunday night. I had planned to stay from Saturday to Wednesday. She wanted to know if DD could share with me and their Irish mate ( 60yr old man who I've met once about ten years ago) could sleep in the room DD normally has?!!! I was a bit as at home my kids share a room so it's a massive novelty to go to my M and D's house and have separate bedrooms which they LOVE. Also- it means there'll be this bloke there all weekend when I wanted to kick back and hang out in my pyjamas while the kids get quality time with Nan and grandad. Why the fuck could they by just have said 'sorry- our grandkids are staying that weekend!??'
I'm so cross I feel like pulling plug on whole visit even though that means having birthday on own with kids - and kids not seeing Nan and grandad. Again.
What would you do? I'm ducking fuming.

Yes, of course grandparents should be willing to help out and it would be lovely if everyone had GPs who are fortunate enough to be a) able bodied b)not working c) living nearby and d) financially solvent. But that's simply not practical for many people.

This black and white thinking is very odd. All the posters going "I am so shocked I have literally never ever heard of a grandparent who doesn't just sit in a box 24/7 waiting to be called to serve their previous kids." Are you really so sheltered the very idea that not everyone is well-off, able-bodied and in a functional happy family is shocking to you?? Do you know how hurtful and offensive that is for those of us who are not priviledged as you?

Surely GPs are people just as much as parents are, and thus have their own issues and problems?

This poor mother works, and she lives far away. Yet she's being castigated for not being willing to drop everything and drive 8 hours on her day off work to babysit! That doesn't mean she's some kind of ogre it just means she's a human being. We don't know what's going on in her life or why she makes the choices she makes. Maybe she's too exhausted to do so much driving on her day off work. Maybe her friend just got diagnosed with cancer. We don't know anything about her.

Some people really don't know how lucky they are.

My parents don't come tonsee me.

Because my Dad is really sick. Sick so he might never get better.

My parents tell me how much they miss seeing the kids.

And they do. They are missing so much because they can't come up because cancer.

They would give anything for my Dad to be well enough to come up and mind the kids for a day so I could go on a course.

But they can't.

They wouldn't (and didn't) squander their healthy years moaning about missing kids they couldn't be arsed driving a few hours to see.

Previous is autocorrect for precious in the above post fyi.

What Doin said. I was 32 before I had my first child. My parents are abroad. They do the best they can, but my dad is aged and infirm, my mother is slowing, too. DH's parents are in very ill health. They miss their surviving grandchildren so we visit as often as we can, so they can see them, not babysit or give us time off but so the kids can see their grandparents. Yeah, it's be nice if they could babysit, but they cannot so we never expected it.

I understand your upset OP. My mother doesn't help despite being 5 mins away. Although I know what she is like and am pretty immune to it nowadays, it still hurts when you feel bottom of the list.

You have to accept they're not to be relied upon for help and adjust your relationship accordingly so you don't get hurt.

While I love my mother, she is not really part of our daily lives.
Now she's getting older and she sees her friends getting such pleasure from their grandchildren I think she regrets it but she's made her own bed really.

'My partner is Spanish and they are absolutely shocked by the way some people think in this country.'

My family is Mexican. It's a two-way street, the abuela looks after the kids, but she usually lives with the family or in the same road. Then, when she gets infirm, the family looks after her. It's not all grandparents look after the kids in these cultures. That's what always crops up on MN. 'Oh, grandparents should do childcare.' Then, when the grandparents get dementia, it's 'Put them in a home.'

Hang on OP-dissers. I quite agree grandparents shouldnt be expected to babysit after a four hour journey while OP is on course. And dissing parents online not good. But it seemed to me OP had booked the long weekend with her DP (and it was her birthday on the Monday so they might have known?) and then she gets told lateish on they have a friend coming over on a (presumably booked trip to) gig (must have been with 3 tickets) - and clearly won't be around Sat/Sun, and OP's DM works three days so presumably will be missing for one of the weekdays? Feel very sad for OP. Clearly not a great relationship.

Selfish parents make selfish grandparents. This thread encapsulates that help cannot be taken for granted but how involved were the now grandparents when they were (young) parents with their own dc? If they aren't close to their dc they won't be close to their dgc. The double standard seems to be some of them felt entitled to have help from their own parents and now don't reciprocate.

I didnt get any help either and its hurtful. Are they playing tit for tat, mayabe trying to 'teach you a lesson' in some way?
You dont sound spoiled or precious, you sound like you are getting on with it.

Thanks guys- I wasn't ever expecting my mum and dad to do an 8 hour round trip to come and babysit- they had planned to come and spend two nights here ( fri- sun) my mum doesn't work Thursday or Friday - I hadn't booked a training course - the opportunity came up- fully funded so I asked if they wouldn't mind- they obviously did mind, didn't come down so I didn't go. Because of the 'we miss them so much' phone calls/ texts etc I thought they wouldn't mind having the kids all to themselves but fair enough- they didn't have to- and didn't.
This weekend was planned ages ago- they've now changed plans, I feel a bit let down and yes earlier I was cross- hence the 't' word in reference to my mum. I've never posted on mumsnet before- what an experience!!
I think me and the kids will get the train down there Monday when the friend has gone and stay two nights rather than four, but I'm probably doing that out of guilt and not wanting to upset my kiddies/ mum and dad as is quite a journey with the two young ones. I appreciate 100% that others aren't as lucky etc ( I don't have in laws, sadly) so am hoping not to come across as spoilt and entitled etc as has been said... and thanks for all the supportive comments..x

YANBU it's perfectly normal for GPs to help out if they are well enough to do so. I'm so glad I don't get to brag that we have no help from our parents. My in laws live 5 hours away and have the DC for a week st Easter and a week in the Summer.

Most GPs would love a few hours with the grandchildren to themselves and yours are hardly toddlers in nappies. They could just have timed a long weekend visit to you for the weekend you needed childcare for the course. If you can make the journey with young DC why can't they take a turn?

I'm not a selfish parent but don't particularly like babysitting. We've still got two children at home (one isn't even a teenager yet). Is it being selfish to actually want sometime in our lives that we're not responsible for children? My dh works 5.5 days, with absolute minimum 10 hour days in the week. I love my grandchildren but am much happier having them over with their parents, rather than be in sole charge of them. That does not make us selfish. Dh already had children when we met, so have had no time ever when we haven't had to consider childcare.

I'm in a similar situation, OP. My mum makes all the right noises about loving DS, and how fabulous he is etc etc.
He's nearly 7. She's looked after him for an hour once.
You just have to lower your expectations. Yes, lots of people have loads of help from their parents. And some people have none.
You can't change them but you can change your feelings about it.
For what it's worth, I think my mum does love DS as much as she says. And he loves her too. That's good enough for me.

You have no reason to feel guilty if you cancel your visit.

They have basically uninvited you.

The kids will have just as nice a time at home.

Deal with your reality - your parents don't care that much.

If they did they would drive to see you.

If they owe you nothing (and they don't) thrn it's a two way street.

Thanks dollywobbles x

I've brought my grandchildren up since they were toddlers. My mum helps me a lot. I can't understand why the family's children wouldn't be the most precious things in the world

Nobody comes across very pleasantly when they tell people they are not being pleasant. Does anyone need a stone for their glass house?

OP two trains, hard work, trying to do the right thing letting GPs spend time with their grandkids and then you get messed about. Don't go.

It sounds to me like all you want is a two way street. You take the kids to see them. Sometimes they babysit for you. They are changing the plans not you.

expatinscotland Mexican and Spanish are very different cultures. But in that point you are right. Yes, family look after family...grandparents, grandkids, kids etc. And your point is?

You're not coming over as spoilt OP, but a grandma four hours away will have a different relationship from a grandma five minutes away. Now I would be pissed off for you if your neighbourhood grandma cancelled helping at short notice, but you do end up having to create a different relationship with more distant rellies.

And so sorry you don't have PILs. Mine were so so lovely. We moved nearer them than my parents (350 miles apart!) and saw them a lot. It was lovely, but my MIL always felt sad she couldn't relish the care she'd given her first two with our kids, due to looking after PIL. Sadly the kids were too young to see what an amazing carer she was!

I hope you can manage to build a good, positive, distance relationship with your mum. I live even further away from my mum and you need to put effort (from both sides) into making it work. It's not always easy, but you will get there.

There's nothing wrong with relying on your parents, but an 8-hour drive and a full weekend babysitting, for a working person, sounds utterly exhausting. Especially having a long drive home on Sunday then having to get up the next morning to go to work.

And babysitting is work (and damned hard work, especially if you're not used to being around children). I don't think it's hypocritical to want to spend time playing with your grandkids, but be unwilling to drive a very long way to do an extended babysitting stint.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, but I wouldn't dismiss someone as neglectful or uncaring just because they're not willing to spend their weekend off from work driving very long distances and babysitting. Only you know what your mother is like and what kind of relationship you have with her.

Is there any possibility of talking to her, and telling her how it made you feel?

It would have been a 6 hour stint on a weekend they had planned to come down for anyway. Not a full weekend babysitting- I wouldn't mind if she didn't keep saying 'I must come down and help you one weekend when your DP is away, I miss the kids so much ' etc ..... I can't tell her- she goes on the defensive very easily.

I miss dgd so much. I am 4 hours away but any chance I get to be with her I grab it. I sometimes look after her all day while dd goes out because I want dd to make the most of some precious time to herself and because I love spending time with little dgd. It's a treat for us both. I'm retired due to health problems and travelling is bloody tiring but to me it's worth it. I'm happy to be able to visit or have dd to stay with.me. dd has it tough and I want to be able to give her support and some time to herself. I think the fact that OPs parents are going on about how much they.miss their DGC sounds a bit half hearted if they find reasons not to spend as much time as they can with them . No way would I want to go to a gig and have my friend stay over while I had dgd staying. I have a lot of time to do my own thing, see friends but time with dd and dgd is rare and precious to me.i agree GPs aren't obliged to babysit and provide childcare but if you love and say you miss your GCs then surely you'd make the most of time you do have together

Yanbu totally get your frustration, it's not like you call on them all the time!

I don't get why they wouldn't want to come and spend quality time looking after their grandchildren when they hardly ever see them and that aside its to HELP you!

Also I think any person who actually thinks you were being overly serious when calling your mum a tosser needs to get a life! Made me lol!

Tbh if they missed them that much they would jump at the chance to watch them for a few hours. My Mum and Dad love it when my DD goes to stay over. And happily watch her when I have to go to appointments and stuff. I thought it was just a Grandparent thing to do, my Grandparents used to watch me and my brothers now and then.

I've noticed a few harsh comments, what is the need?