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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU my mum is no help whatsoever?!!!!

208 replies

scarlettsmama · 13/10/2016 18:22

Hi guys- basically my mum is being a bit of a tosser. I live about 4 hours drive away from her- she works 3 days per week- my dad is retired.. my partner often works away from home- and works every Saturday. We have a 4yo and a 5yo.
Last week I wanted to go on a training course on a Saturday- my mum and dad had been talking about coming down- as they've not been down to see us for about 4 months ( me and the kids have been there twice since then- by two trains) and they are constantly calling and texting about how much they miss the kids so I asked if they could do that weekend and look after the kids on Saturday between 10.00 am and 4.00pm? My partner had been out of the country for a fortnight and I was knackered ( I work four days a week too) and wanted help. Their answer 'no, darling- we would rather come down when you'll be there too and not on a course!!"
Er..... thanks. Not.
Fast forward to now- I had planned to take the kids down on the train the first weekend of half term- again partner out of the country. Also it's my birthday on the Monday so stuffed if I want to spend it on my own with the kids. All was going fine- mum ramps up the text messages about how she can't wait to see the kids etc.... then this: I get a call from her today- their friend is also coming to stay that weekend from Ireland. They are all going to a gig Saturday night and he will be staying Saturday and Sunday night. I had planned to stay from Saturday to Wednesday. She wanted to know if DD could share with me and their Irish mate ( 60yr old man who I've met once about ten years ago) could sleep in the room DD normally has?!!! I was a bit Confused as at home my kids share a room so it's a massive novelty to go to my M and D's house and have separate bedrooms which they LOVE. Also- it means there'll be this bloke there all weekend when I wanted to kick back and hang out in my pyjamas while the kids get quality time with Nan and grandad. Why the fuck could they by just have said 'sorry- our grandkids are staying that weekend!??'
I'm so cross I feel like pulling plug on whole visit even though that means having birthday on own with kids - and kids not seeing Nan and grandad. Again.
What would you do? I'm ducking fuming.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 13/10/2016 18:45

YABU mostly.

Your kids, you look after them. They don't owe you babysitting.

Double-booking was quite inconsiderate but if friends are coming over from Ireland for a specific event then maybe their date wasn't movable, whereas yours is, so maybe that's what she was thinking.

AliMonkey · 13/10/2016 18:46

YANBU (except when you called your mum a tosser). If your mum didn't go on about missing them then I would have thought YWBU as whilst It would be helpful it is her choice. But she can't have it both ways.

My mum doesn't do any regular childcare for us but does help with the occasional night of babysitting and a couple of days a year in school holidays. And I am very grateful.

LunaLoveg00d · 13/10/2016 18:47

I think it depends very much on where you are in relation to your parents. We are a long way from both sets of parents and always have been, neither of us have any family close by so we just have to get on with it.

I help friends with babysitting, they help me. Very few of my friends have parents and siblings living close by.

redskytonight · 13/10/2016 18:47

If I was travelling 4 hours to visit my child and grandchildren, I'd want the child to actually be there too. Nothing to do with baby sitting.

I'm wondering if the Irish friend has announced he's turning up somewhat unexpectedly and your parents feel obliged to see him/offer him a place to stay. When we stay at my parents/in-laws we all squash into one room, or DH and I sleep on an airbed in the lounge - that's actually the situation with most people staying with relatives - not a room each! So the room sharing is really neither here nor there.
You've made it clear that you don't drop everything just to accommodate your parents' wishes so you can't really expect them to do differently.

HanYOLO · 13/10/2016 18:48

YANBU

I think it is entirely reasonable of the OP to ask for a little bit of help, because she needs it to something like a course after solo parenting two young children and working almost full time, and to be disappointed that it is not forthcoming. Of course they are under no obligation, but she could have done with a bit of a hand here, just the once.

I also think OPisNBU to think that if she is going to the effort to visit her folks for her birthday they could at least be in to see her.

OP, I'd go up on Monday.

ilovesooty · 13/10/2016 18:49

It's not your mum's obligation to compensate for your partner's lack of involvement.

Original poster
scarlettsmama · 13/10/2016 18:54

Hmmm... many differing opinions... I'm now thinking that because the gig will be a late one- they'll be drunk/ hungover it's probably not worth me going down there until Monday when things are all back to normal. Then we can have two nights with them, then we will come back on the train on weds. If it wasn't for the constant reminders that they miss the kiddies- I probably wouldn't have felt so pissed off. Thanks all and goodnight..

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 13/10/2016 18:57

Han her dp are going out for a few hours on Saturday, not her birthday. If the gig is the reason for the friends visit and is a band they all like it's not something that can be rescheduled so the parents are trying to accommodate everyone and failing to make Op happy. If the friend is coming especially from Ireland it must be a big deal for them.

For everyone who thinks the GP should be available to help, they live FOUR HOURS away! Ok, the course request was disappointing but it's a very long trip for a weekend and not to see you so maybe it just felt too far. My parents are a similar distance and frankly we just don't see them that much because it's too far for all of us to do that often.

Mysterycat23 · 13/10/2016 18:57

OP, doesn't sound like you thought "babysitting" to cover your course, sounds like it was a good opportunity for GP to spend quality time with their GC.. whom GP keep saying they miss and want to spend time with! But clearly DM prefers saying she misses them, rather than the inconvenience of actually spending time with them! It is basic rudeness of DM to not simply say to her friend "actually our beloved GC are here that weekend and we are going to spend quality time together, can you come another time". How rejected and hurt would that make anyone feel! It's basically just incredibly rude and hurtful. YANBU.

MsJamieFraser · 13/10/2016 18:58

Not once have you considered your parents in any of this, its all Me, Me, Me Hmm and you say state your not spoilt Hmm

Iknowthisgirlcanx100 · 13/10/2016 18:59

This is a really distasteful post. Calling your mother a tosser on a public forum and whining about wanting to be spoiled because its your birthday. You really don't seem or behave in a loving daughterly fashion. Some might describe you as being the one behaving like a tosser.

ilovesooty · 13/10/2016 19:01

If it's a gig their friend can't rearrange the date.

Gottagetmoving · 13/10/2016 19:02

YABU.
Your parents don't have to do things the way you want and no one should expect their parents to help out unless they want to.
When they do help, they are doing you a favour.

NerrSnerr · 13/10/2016 19:03

I think YABU. Why can't your partner care for the children when you're on your course? My parents live 4 hours away and would feel cheeky making them come all that way to babysit.

We get no help from parents, it's all down to us.

Desperatemum4 · 13/10/2016 19:04

Sorry op but you sound like a spoilt entitled brat. I never had ANY help with my dc at all. Your kids, your responsibility.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 13/10/2016 19:04

I think you are been very unreasonable re the Saturday babysitting. You can't expect your parents to drive 4 hours to babysit when they live that distance. You need to arrange your own babysitter if your DH isn't available.

I would be a bit put out by the extra guest at such short notice, but I'd have got over it by now. It's really not something to throw your toys out of the pram over. It is just one night!

You seem to have a different expectation of your relationship with your mum from your mum! That doesn't make her wrong - she has no obligation to babysit, ever.

I've not been able to have help from my parents or my PILs through my kids' childhood. Both DM and DMIL were pretty much full time carers for their DHs who are both now dead, as is my vvvDMIL. My DM is in her eighties now. Cherish what you have OP, and please don't throw it away.

LuluNTutu · 13/10/2016 19:06

YANBU. Expecting occasional help with babysitting when your DP are saying they want to spend time with their DGC is not U.

Making alternative plans when you're making the effort to travel to see them (especially with 2 young children) is rude. I'm with you OP.

Paddingtonthebear · 13/10/2016 19:07

This is mumsnet.

You will be shot down in flames for thinking a grandparent should want to spend time with grandkids, or asking for some help with grand kids or any type of criticising of a grandparent. Grandparents have no obligation to you now that their parenting days are done. Etc.

Meanwhile elsewhere on Mumsnet are the many, many people who rely on grandparents for childcare every week.

Jagerbombfobreakfast · 13/10/2016 19:07

I mean this is a joke right?
Grow up and sort your shit out Hmm

GreekGod · 13/10/2016 19:07

YABU. It still amazes me why people have expectations from their parents when it comes to their kids. They are your kids. Our parents are older than us and maybe too tired and may simply not want to look after our kids - it's their right to feel that way.

I work hard too but have no expectations from either set of grandparents. if they want to help out, great; if not, its their life at the end of the day. Neither really helps out and I spend a fortune on childcare but they are my kids and i would expect to do that and just cut back on other things. i also wouldn't dare tell them who to have in their home, its their home and they can have who they like coming over to stay.

Even if they text to say they miss them, then so what ? Maybe they do miss them but just don't want to be unpaid babysitters.

Adnerb95 · 13/10/2016 19:08

I probably WILL babysit and help out (when gc eventually appear!) but I don't think you can expect it! Nor that they are going to put their lives on hold just because you are visiting.

DM babysat precisely zero times when DSs were little - she worked hard all her life, as I will have and when I retire, I don't expect to take on extensive child rearing again.

Owllady · 13/10/2016 19:13

Having been in the same situation, although your original post comes across - at first glance - as being a bit spoilt, I do understand you feel.

My parents have been exactly the same, despite them having alot of help off their own parents when we were little (they went out every weekend for example, went away on their own, had LOTS of help) They have babysat for me three times in seventeen years. Their visitation to our house has always been on their terms.

It's hard having young children, your partner working away and its hurtful to think they won't help you. Of course it's their prerogative not to help you and spend their time how they wish but never doing anything yo help you IS selfish and not the way I'd like to behave when I have my own grandchildren.

The best advice I was ever given was to accept that that is how things were and to not expect their help and to organise my own help away from them. In my case I paid for ad hoc help off a young woman when they were little, just the odd weekend for a few hours etc. Or you could swap with friends if you have the energy.

How you feel isn't abnormal though.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 13/10/2016 19:15

I mean this is a joke right?
Grow up and sort your shit out Hmm

This, with bells on!

Entitled and petty in the extreme!

Grammar · 13/10/2016 19:15

I'm really surprised. I NEVER expected my parents to babysit/ pull out any stops for me or anything other than loving their grandchildren when they could see them, even though they were retired when I had them. I too, had a partner often out of the country and dealt with 3 children with 2 years apart. Yes, it was often lonely, and most definitely hard work as I worked 3 long days a week. BUT...I saw my role as actually looking after my parents when they came to stay, making a nice meal and generally a good atmosphere where good relationships can thrive. To have expectations like this is to condemn your relationship with your DCs before it's had a chance. They are 4 hours away ! And they have their own life, and so they should. They have NO obligation to helping you out. Anything ONE get from one's parents should be seen as a bonus. I think you whining about someone, an old friend, staying from Ireland for 1 night (?2) and you sharing for 1 night a bedroom with your DC is not unreasonable, esp as it could be an unmovable feast.
Reframe how you think your parents. Think about what you could do for them first and stop calling your mother a tosser. How utterly entitled and unpleasant your post comes across .

Tryingtostayyoung · 13/10/2016 19:16

OP I think a mixture of things.

I think YABU to be annoyed about the babysitting, they don't have to BUT I do understand that you are massively disappointed that they can't help you out of their planning on coming down anyway. I would be really hurt.

In regards to your visit I think they ABU. They already had plans with you and now their changing because they've decided to double up.

Ultimately I think your main problem seems to be your not getting the support you need from you DH because of his working patterns. Your probably looking to your parents to pick that support up but they aren't.