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AIBU?

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Original poster

If you kept your name when you got married, how did you husband take it?

283 replies

WanderingNotLost · 12/10/2016 23:24

Because my H2B is taking it as a personal slight, apparently.

Had a lovely evening together, we're getting ready for bed and I mention to him that I was thinking I might change my name to his legally, but keep my own name for sort of every day life. He did not take it well.
Saying I want to marry him, have the nice church wedding, be his wife and everything that goes with it except taking his name. Apparently I'm BU because 'that's how it's always been done'. Double barrelling isn't an option (although I'm with him there, it would sound daft) and of course he refuses point blank to consider taking mine (not that I'd ever really ask or expect him to) saying 'show me a man who was happy to take his wife's name, and I guarantee he'll be a pussy-whipped Guardian reader.' He went to bed sulking.
He just doesn't seem to get what a big deal it is. Probably cos all his friends wives changed their names straight away when they got married. To me, my name is my identity, it's who I am, it's what binds me to my Dad (who died just shy of 2 years ago) and his side of my family. And after all, I have said that legally I'd take his!
It doesn't surprise me that we don't agree. After all, he's a right wing pro-Brexit Tory voter and I'm a liberal leftie feminist... we're doomed, aren't we??

OP posts:
HeCantBeSerious · 12/10/2016 23:29

Has never been a problem (married 12+ years).

(This comes up almost daily though. Seriously depressing. Are we in the 21st century or not?!)

HeCantBeSerious · 12/10/2016 23:31

And i haven't changed my name for any purpose. I don't answer to Mrs Hisname, because it's not me.

JulietteL · 12/10/2016 23:31

I didn't change mine. For similar reasons to you: my name is my identity and I saw no reason to change it. I'd had my name for 30 years, had built a career with it - I didn't want to lose it. Plus, the tradition of changing surnames has connoations around ownership whivh I find uncomfortable in the 21st century.

My husband was fine about it - said it was my decision. In fact, it was the older family members on both sides who pulled faces - including one or two who still jndist on sending Xmas cards to "Mr and Mrs".

JulietteL · 12/10/2016 23:33

So many typos... connotations around ownership which; and insist on sending Xmas cards

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 12/10/2016 23:34

I don't remember how he reacted, it was a total non-thing. It's possible I never even really told him. I just carried on using my own surname, there was no question of me changing it.

ThursdayLastWeek · 12/10/2016 23:34

My husband couldn't have given less of a shit.

Because his own identity isn't tied up in making women do what he wants, unnecessary traditions, or sulking.

RestlessTraveller · 12/10/2016 23:35

You're doomed.

sirfredfredgeorge · 12/10/2016 23:35

Whilst he's clearly a fool on many levels. Names are important, and as you say, it binds you to your dad, so he is entitled to feel the need for similar binding of you to him.

However his arguments are what mostly point him out as a fool, if he had good ones or could think of some sane suggestions as a compromise then it would be more reasonable.

I don't know of any man who's cared about their wives retaining their name of the few, my DP kept hers, I would've been quite thoughtful had she not, why would she want to give her own identity up? But of course other people do have different views on names so it's something I cannot actually have a view of.

DryIce · 12/10/2016 23:36

I never considered changing my name. I doubt my husband ever considered changing his. We have both got past this rejection of each other's family and honour.

WyfOfBathe · 12/10/2016 23:38

My OH didn't mind. I think he might have been a bit disappointed internally, but he just said it was my decision to make.

I did later change my mind and I have taken DH's surname, but I wasn't pressured into it by him or anyone else (I'm not sure I discussed it with anyone else except one colleague who was getting married at about the same time & was keeping her name)

MimiSunshine · 12/10/2016 23:39

Well we used to believe the earth was flat, that children didn't need to wear seatbelt a in cars and that it was a sin to live together before marriage.

There are lots of things that are now outdated concepts. Your name is your name and YANBU to decide not to change it.
It's not actually his choice so just do what feels right for you.

My friend added her husbands name on the end, day to day she is Mary Johnson but legally she is Mary Johnson Fletcher. So technically double barrled (with names that "don't go") but only on paper work etc

*not actual names

SixthSenseless · 12/10/2016 23:39

Unfortunately he is making himself look twice as pathetic as he imagines a 'pussy whipped Guardian reader' to be. Tell him you didn't realise his manhood was so fragile as to not be able to cope with a little C21st thinking .

MrsBobDylan · 12/10/2016 23:39

My dh was fine about me not changing my name legally and our kids having a double-barrelled name.

He is a wonderful husband and has made each of the 10 years we've been married an absolute joy.

I would be thinking long and hard in your position about whether your fiance's stance on spousal ownership is going to mean you can say the same after 10 years of marriage. He sounds a bit of a pompous dick to me. Sorry.Sad

Fibbertigibbet · 12/10/2016 23:40

My DH and I had a discussion about what each of our names meant to us, how our families would feel, how practical each option was and how important it was we had the same name long before we got married, because why should it be obvious that I should take my DH's name just because I'm a woman? Names are complicated and important markers of identity- that's why we put so much thought into picking them for babies! The idea that my DH would want me to abandon that without a second thought would be very unsettling.

Choccywoccyhooha · 12/10/2016 23:40

My husband has never cared. He thinks it's an odd expectation. We thought about both changing our names to something totally a different, but nothing sounded right. My mother and Mil were pretty unimpressed and Mil still refuses to address labels in my name, though she has stopped sending them to Mrs T. She addresses them to "The birthday girl" or Christmas cards just addressed in our first names.

ConvincingLiar · 12/10/2016 23:43

I'd be rethinking marriage if my fiancé was such a dick. My husband didn't much care. He certainly never thought it was his decision to make.

Why change your name legally? Much easier to be consistent. In my profession it's often the case that people are maiden name at work and married name at home and it's a pain in the arse. I wouldn't want the hassle.

AdoraBell · 12/10/2016 23:46

No problem with my DH, the ILs is a different story. 17 yrs later they still can't accept it, but that's okay because I didn't marry them.

Canyouforgiveher · 12/10/2016 23:47

Apparently I'm BU because 'that's how it's always been done'.

Is his last name Van Winkle? Has he missed the last 30 years?

25 years ago Dh couldn't have cared less. Well he preferred that I didn't change my name but I suppose he'd have been fine if I wanted to change to his, if a bit bewildered.

you can think of this as a funny quirk but realistically this is saying something fundamental about how he views the relationship between husbands and wives. What is interesting is he isn't imposing an old-fashioned view that impacts husbands - he is imposing an old-fashioned view that impacts wives - in particular YOU. In my experience someone who can confidently tell another person how to behave in their personal life, especially something as personal as a name, against that person's wishes, is fairly ballsy in thinking his own views are the most important thing in the relationship (if not the world).

You aren't married yet and more importantly, you don't have children together yet. Think long and hard about what he is telling you about himself and his view of your relationship.

AdoraBell · 12/10/2016 23:50

My DH didn't object, ILs a different story Hmm after 17 yrs they still haven't accepted it. That's okay though because I didn't marry them.

Canyouforgiveher · 12/10/2016 23:50

He just doesn't seem to get what a big deal it is. Probably cos all his friends wives changed their names straight away when they got married.

No. He doesn't get what a big deal it is because he doesn't care how much it matters to you.

If all his friends wives didn't change their names would he be telling you to do the same? and if so, in the words of the song, "who died and made him king of everything?"

AdoraBell · 12/10/2016 23:51

Hmm my post definitely wasn't there a minute ago Confused sorry for repeating myself.

Original poster
WanderingNotLost · 12/10/2016 23:52

The reason I'd change it legally would be so I have the same surname as our children (when we have them)- my cousins kids have her DPs surname and she's had a couple of problems travelling abroad with them- and as I said, our names just don't go when double-barrelled. I just don't see why he's taking it so personally!

OP posts:
KittensWithWeapons · 12/10/2016 23:53

I have no intention of changing my name when DP and I get married. It was never even a question, he just (correctly) assumed that I'd keep my name. It's not an issue, at all.

To be honest, I'd be reluctant to marry a man who uttered the phrase 'pussy-whipped Guardian reader'. How repellent. Are you marrying Donald Trump?

BerylStreep · 12/10/2016 23:54

Complete non issue for us. I built a career using my surname so didn't change. As kids came along schools referred to me as Mrs Dh name, which doesn't really bother me, and in fact I changed my Name with the GP to make it easier.

Passport and driving licence are still in my name. Joint bank account still in my name. Married name on DC birth certificates. Married name on mortgage. Some bills in married name some in my name.

You do realise there is no such thing as 'changing your name legally'? You are entitled to use whatever name you want, in whatever combination and circumstances you want.

Bogeyface · 12/10/2016 23:54

Officially he is fine about it.

Off the record he still gets the hump. Its traditional and I should be proud to take his name Hmm. When I asked why he expected me to do that and why wouldnt he change his name to mine I got exactly, and I mean exactly, the same arguments I had for keeping mine! Its his name, his identity, his dads name, his family name etc.

I kept my name and DD is double barrelled. I had considered double barrelling mine as it sounds ok, but didnt on principle after he got so stroppy. He still makes the odd dig now, he said not long ago when someone asked me full name "Oh no (hisname) in there....." under his breath. I just said "No, because its not my name" cue minor sulk.

I think that it comes down to the fact that he is proud to be married to me and wants us to be Mr and Mrs Hisname, which I can kind of see,but that doesnt give him the right to be a dick about it.

But as I say, officially he is fine with it when he wants to look like modern man Hmm

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