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Original poster

If you kept your name when you got married, how did you husband take it?

283 replies

WanderingNotLost · 12/10/2016 23:24

Because my H2B is taking it as a personal slight, apparently.

Had a lovely evening together, we're getting ready for bed and I mention to him that I was thinking I might change my name to his legally, but keep my own name for sort of every day life. He did not take it well.
Saying I want to marry him, have the nice church wedding, be his wife and everything that goes with it except taking his name. Apparently I'm BU because 'that's how it's always been done'. Double barrelling isn't an option (although I'm with him there, it would sound daft) and of course he refuses point blank to consider taking mine (not that I'd ever really ask or expect him to) saying 'show me a man who was happy to take his wife's name, and I guarantee he'll be a pussy-whipped Guardian reader.' He went to bed sulking.
He just doesn't seem to get what a big deal it is. Probably cos all his friends wives changed their names straight away when they got married. To me, my name is my identity, it's who I am, it's what binds me to my Dad (who died just shy of 2 years ago) and his side of my family. And after all, I have said that legally I'd take his!
It doesn't surprise me that we don't agree. After all, he's a right wing pro-Brexit Tory voter and I'm a liberal leftie feminist... we're doomed, aren't we??

OP posts:
Marynary · 13/10/2016 09:09

My DH said that it was a "stupid tradition" and that he wouldn't want to change his name either. My MIL was another matter and kept saying that "you will still be Mrs [married name] to us though, won't you?" When I said that no it wouldn't be my name she was very put out.
I don't think I would want to marry someone who felt as your DH does.

fakenamefornow · 13/10/2016 09:09

Fine.

I think secretly he really wanted me to take his name, but never voiced an opinion because he knew it was my decision and didn't want to influence me. I think now, 20 years on, he's quite proud of my independent mind and the example I have set for our daughters, and son. The children have both our names, hyphenated, mine first but just because it flows better that way.

Comtesse · 13/10/2016 09:09

When I said I didn't think I wanted to change my name, my now DH said "oh" a bit sadly, looked thoughtful for 10 mins then never mentioned it again. 9 years ago, and that was it. Your partner is being a knob sorry.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 13/10/2016 09:10

I don't get why the Tory but comes into it

On it's own, it isn't or shouldn't be a problem, so long as they're tolerant of difference and respect your right to disagree. The misogynist and proTrump views I couldn't get past though.

fakenamefornow · 13/10/2016 09:13

After all, he's a right wing pro-Brexit Tory voter and I'm a liberal leftie feminist... we're doomed, aren't we??

I think so, sorry.

SpecialStains · 13/10/2016 09:14

My DH didn't mind, and on our wedding day, asked the registrar to omit a bit of wording from the service that he knew I wouldn't like for similar reasons. He's such a kind, thoughtful person, and has made me very happy in the 7 years we've been together. And yes, he's a lefty, guardian reader (so am I).

With our child's name, he did originally hate double barrelling it and said he would be happy for baby to take my name, but I loved the idea of the fairness of double barrelled names. Genetically baby is half me and half dh and I like that it's reflected in ds' name.

I didn't loose my identity on getting married, and I really like my name and feel it is a part of who I am. Dh could have changed his to mine but didn't want to for the same reason.

CockacidalManiac · 13/10/2016 09:15

I don't get why the Tory bit comes into it

Depends on whether it's Anna Soubry or IDS.

carmenta · 13/10/2016 09:16

DH is of the opinion that he doesn't want to change his name therefore he doesn't see any reason why I would. And I haven't.

But then, if DH used terms like "pussy whipped" he wouldn't be my DH so it wouldn't be an issue...

Dontfencemein · 13/10/2016 09:19

Arrrgh. Pussywhipping. What a horrible expression!

I kept my name. For me it symbolised hanging on to my identity. I'm not saying that people who change their names loose their identity but that's what it meant to me.

Good luck!

Careforadrink · 13/10/2016 09:19

This is a disaster waiting to happen.

Run away op

passingthrough1 · 13/10/2016 09:19

Oh I agree LikeDylan and Cockacidal the Trump bit is a bit Shock but I just don't get why the being Tory would come into a name change? Maybe if this was 1950..
All these name change threads make me sad to be honest.
My partner can express a preference and expect an equal say on anything concerning both of us but why he'd get a say (or care?) what name I went by I just don't understand? I really would judge a man who would expect their partner to change their name.

Bountybarsyuk · 13/10/2016 09:19

My husband offered to change his own surname to mine! In the end we stuck with our own. I guess you have to battle this out somehow, he sounds very reactionary. I guess you might also want to start discussing mothers working, who cares for the children (equal?), whether he would move for your work, where they go to school, as if he is equally reactionary about these topics, then it will make for many more occasions where you are essentially told you are second-class in your own household.

eyebrowsonfleek · 13/10/2016 09:20

Ex and I both changed our surname to something completely different before marriage.

The surnames were subject to ridicule at school. We didn't want this for the kids.
Double barrelling was ridiculous.

Bonus- we are divorced but the kids and parents still have the same surname.

Zikreetdreaming · 13/10/2016 09:25

I'd known I'd not change my name for years before I met DH so him not accepting it wasn't really an option Grin

However, we were actually discussing this last night (thinking about whether to have the kids names changed to include my surname as a middle name). DH said that in his first marriage his wife asked him what his thoughts were on her keeping her name and he said he didn't like it. She didn't push it and took his name. He said he now feels really guilty about this!

Just thought I'd share that story for all the 'he objects? LTB he's a chauvinistic bastard' lot - people can change/make mistakes!

HyacinthFuckit · 13/10/2016 09:28

STBDH here has said a bit more than he wouldn't like it, though...

PinkissimoAndPearls · 13/10/2016 09:50

I can imagine you're reading all this OP and thinking Shock. You may be thinking, I do love him but worrying about marriage to someone with values so different from yours.

I don't know if you want DC or not and please disregard if not, I genuinely don't want to patronise or offend you. I would however stop thinking about whether you should marry him and start thinking seriously about whether you would like your DC, especially daughters, parented by this man. Divorce, although traumatic is easy compared to the challenge of parenting for the rest of your life with someone you have grown to dislike and who you think holds opinions that are wrong.

Before our wedding my DH's only concern about my name is that I should do whatever made me happy. I knew then and now (over 20 years later! But we did marry youngGrin) that his main priority was that I should be happy. I am happy now, I know that he is a great father and passing on values that I admire, to our DC.

If he had even uttered the word "pussy whipped" even as in jest (and this jest is just pretended, your BF really thinks like this btw) and he thought he even had a say, let alone the ability to control my name choices, I would never have married him.

Lighthouseturquoise · 13/10/2016 10:04

I didn't take dhs name and he was upset. His reasons were it's tradition and we should all have the same name.

We had all of the usual old arguments but ultimately it just wasn't going to happen.

I was upset that he was upset, I was marrying him, why should he want me to change my identity? I honestly think dh doesn't think that deeply about these things and just goes with the masses.

Anyway I married him, I kept my name and double barrelled dc.

It's never even mentioned these days. The dc names were actually more important to me than anything. I felt quite strongly that I'd carried them, I'd be their main carer so my name should be acknowledged.

I'm shocked at your dh saying pussy whipped, absolutely horrible turn of phrase. I'm not going to say don't marry him but I think you should think very carefully about what he's telling you about himself and how your future might look once you have children.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 13/10/2016 10:04

My DH hasn't ever said that he has a problem with me keeping my name, and I've never sensed that there was a problem.

I'd love to see your stbdh tell my DH to his face that he's pussy whipped.

As for voting for Trump... really??? Shock

notinagreatplace · 13/10/2016 10:10

I didn't ask for my DH's opinion, to be honest, and he didn't give it.

I really wouldn't change it on anything, if you don't want to to use your DH's name at all in everyday life, I think it completely confuses the issue and it puts you in a weird position if you're objecting to being called the name that's on your passport.

Kel1234 · 13/10/2016 10:19

I couldn't wait to change my name when I got married, because I'm dead traditional about weddings and names and all that. So I took my husbands name and didn't think twice about it. I simply thought that I used to be Miss Myname, but as I was getting married it was only right I became Mrs Hisname, so together we were Mr and Mrs Hisname. And of course our children have our name.
However I'm sure if I'd wanted to keep my own name, and I explained this to him, after a while he would have understood.
So I think he is being a bit unreasonable

MargaretCavendish · 13/10/2016 10:22

I think a tiny part of my (Tory - though remain-voting, socially liberal and Trump hating) husband would have been pleased if I'd taken his name. But he has never said so because he recognises that it was my choice alone. Because he's not a dick.

Hassled · 13/10/2016 10:24

I have no recollection of even asking DH - and I think he knew me well enough to realise me changing my name wasn't going to happen. FIL didn't look too happy when he said "congratulations, Mrs Bloggs" after the wedding and I corrected him, but even as a very traditional man in his late 70s, he got over it straight away. We'd happily double-barrelled the DCs surnames before we even got married, which I suppose lessened the issue.

MargaretCavendish · 13/10/2016 10:27

I honestly cannot imagine how anyone can have a LTR with someone whose politics are diametrically opposed to their own.

I think it depends on the nature of the disagreement. My husband and I disagree entirely on economics, but I would say we're quite similar in our ethical and social outlooks. We argue about politics near constantly but that's always been part of our relationship - what I find impossible to imagine is being with someone who just isn't interested in news and current affairs.

spicyfajitas · 13/10/2016 10:32

Not a problem and I'd have run a mile of it had been. If I were to do it again, the kids would have my name too. I deal with most of the medical apts etc and find I automatically get Mrs hisname . It would put a stop to that.

GrendelsAunty · 13/10/2016 10:35

Me keeping my name wasn't really discussed; I was just never going to change my name, and nor was he. We did discuss the DC surname a bit more, but after about 20 mins we agreed my surname was easier so they took mine.
I'm not sure that legally changing your name but using your maiden name is a great idea. I think it might lead to lots of confusion.