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AIBU?

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Original poster

If you kept your name when you got married, how did you husband take it?

283 replies

WanderingNotLost · 12/10/2016 23:24

Because my H2B is taking it as a personal slight, apparently.

Had a lovely evening together, we're getting ready for bed and I mention to him that I was thinking I might change my name to his legally, but keep my own name for sort of every day life. He did not take it well.
Saying I want to marry him, have the nice church wedding, be his wife and everything that goes with it except taking his name. Apparently I'm BU because 'that's how it's always been done'. Double barrelling isn't an option (although I'm with him there, it would sound daft) and of course he refuses point blank to consider taking mine (not that I'd ever really ask or expect him to) saying 'show me a man who was happy to take his wife's name, and I guarantee he'll be a pussy-whipped Guardian reader.' He went to bed sulking.
He just doesn't seem to get what a big deal it is. Probably cos all his friends wives changed their names straight away when they got married. To me, my name is my identity, it's who I am, it's what binds me to my Dad (who died just shy of 2 years ago) and his side of my family. And after all, I have said that legally I'd take his!
It doesn't surprise me that we don't agree. After all, he's a right wing pro-Brexit Tory voter and I'm a liberal leftie feminist... we're doomed, aren't we??

OP posts:
OnlyHereForTheCamping · 13/10/2016 08:20

He sounds v mysogonistic, i would not want to marry and have children with a woman hater

OnlyHereForTheCamping · 13/10/2016 08:21

Real reason he would vote trump http://www.huffingtonpost.com/larry-womack/stop-pretending-you-dont-bb_12191766.html

HeCantBeSerious · 13/10/2016 08:32

Because you want somthing that is tradtioal and important to you and your family dosent make you insecure

Ah, tradition. Cool.

I assume you apply the same thinking to men being legally able to beat and rape their wives, children leaving school and working when barely teenagers and women not being allowed to vote too?

HeCantBeSerious · 13/10/2016 08:34

I changed mine on passport, driving licence and our joint account for convenience since I kept being asked for proof we were married

That doesn't make sense. You can legally change your name to anything you like - it's not proof of marriage!

LordPeterWimsey · 13/10/2016 08:34

I didn't change mine or consider changing it. DH was fine with it - didn't bat an eyelid, and would have changed his to mine if I'd wanted him to. We did toy with either both using my name or both changing to something entirely new, but decided it was too much hassle (and would have upset MIL).

This was twenty years ago, by the way.
Run for the hills and don't look back. You're 31, you have time to find someone who isn't a misogynist.

Ifounddory · 13/10/2016 08:37

You lost me at brexit voting trump supporting Tory... seriously just run. It sounds like you have some major differences of opinion in important things. This never bodes well.

I would expect that if something was important to me that it would be important to him. The fact is he sees all the reasons for keeping your name and thinks they are valid (because he wouldn't change his) but they are only important FOR HIM.

EmzDisco · 13/10/2016 08:37

Not married yet but when we get round to it we will both keep our own names. Already have a DD who has both our names. Absolutely no issue for my DP at all. Wouldnt want to marry him if it was tbh, or be with him at all really. Wouldn't want to be with someone who expects me to do things that they themselves aren't prepared to.

I don't think he cares about it all, it's just not important to him what I call myself, especially when what I want to call myself is just my actual name.

TheProblemOfSusan · 13/10/2016 08:43

Mine couldn't have cared less, and I think would probably have had the gp check my sanity if I'd suggested changing. I was always very clear. And my kids will be double barrelled or they'll have my name.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 13/10/2016 08:43

I realise the main point here is that you are about to marry a weapons-grade misogynist shitheel and you really shouldn't.

In fact thinking about it, letting him stomp his feet and call his bluff about calling off the wedding isn't a bad tactic. It will be fun letting him humiliate himself explaining to everyone why it's off: 'Dear Aunt Maureen and Uncle Trevor. Sorry to let you know, the wedding is off, I hadn't realised that women have opinions and that it isn't the 1850s any more.'

But I digress, there's no such thing as a legal name, you can call yourself whatever you like so long as you don't do it for fraudulent purposes.

popcornpaws · 13/10/2016 08:46

Yes, you're doomed!

PenguindreamsofDraco · 13/10/2016 08:48

HeCan't, believe me, I know! The situation was fairly specific and extremely outing so you'll just have to take my word for it Grin So I switched purely for my own convenience to stop having to make the same points over and over again.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 13/10/2016 08:49

Switched the things that didn't matter to me, I should have said. Didn't care what name was on my driving licence. Very muh cared what name was on my business.

BertrandRussell · 13/10/2016 08:53

Please don't marry this man. Please.

DimsieMaitland · 13/10/2016 08:54

What a revolting turn of phrase he has.

I've been married nearly 20 years and didn't change my name. I don't think it ever occurred to DH that he would have a say in the matter.

We did have long conversations about the DCs' surname and eventually chose his purely for aesthetic reasons (my surname is the name of an actual flowery thing and the hippy-ish names we chose for the DC sounded ludicrous with it - imagine the equivalent of DC called Cherry Blossom and Guinevere Blossom; instead they got DH's much less flowery name so are the equivalent of Cherry and Guinevere Jones)

My FIL is 81 and as traditional as they come in many ways and yet he has been able to cope with the fact that his wife of 25 years didn't take his name on marriage - without the need to resort to nasty woman-hating language.

StrawberryQuik · 13/10/2016 08:56

I didn't change my name on anything, I'm still Ms Strawberry.
Just asked DH, he thought about it (okay checked bus time on his phone) then said 'I suppose I was a bit sad because my parents can be judgy but then I got over it'

He never tried to convince me to change it though, or really mentioned it at all really.

BertrandRussell · 13/10/2016 08:57

Dp and I have been together for over 30 years. We have our own names. I can't remember a single instance, apart from in social chit chat, when I've been asked if we were married or where it's mattered. Oh, except when making wills and so on, but I''m not sure having the same name as him on a driving license would have cut much mustard there.................

passingthrough1 · 13/10/2016 08:57

I don't get why the Tory but comes into it. Ours is a right-of-centre house .. we have a child and are not married (just can't see why we need to) and if / when we get married we'll both keep our names, that's a given.
I'm trying to imagine my DP's reaction if I said I was going to CHANGE my name..!

Somerville · 13/10/2016 08:58

Please don't marry this man. Please.

This.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2016 08:59

I can see that voting Tory wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker (although it would be for me) but voting Trump is definitely a deal breaker for most people, surely?!

Oh and the small matter of being a misogynist...!

raviolidreaming · 13/10/2016 09:02

show me a man who was happy to take his wife's name, and I guarantee he'll be a pussy-whipped Guardian reader

Maybe Simon Le Bon does read the Guardian, but he did not too badly for himself all the same.

PurpleWithRed · 13/10/2016 09:03

Late second marriage. I decided I was not going to take DHs name for personal and professional reasons. DH would have quite liked me to but accepted it was my decision. He did plan changing his name to my name and only decided against when he realised it would upset his parents and it wasn't a big issue for me.

He is a 6' 2" 16 stone paramedic, ex army, trains conflict resolution, wide newspaper reader, and absolutely not "pussywhipped". Does your DH plan to carry you over the threshold to emphasise you are now his chattel too (which is what it symbolised)?

jellyfrizz · 13/10/2016 09:03

I would expect that if something was important to me that it would be important to him. The fact is he sees all the reasons for keeping your name and thinks they are valid (because he wouldn't change his) but they are only important FOR HIM.

^^ This.

I didn't change my name. My husband would have liked me to and expressed some of the same sentiments as your partner but a name change would affect my life far more than his so sod that.

CockacidalManiac · 13/10/2016 09:06

A pro-Brexit, right wing, Trump fan? He sounds like a right catch.

CockacidalManiac · 13/10/2016 09:07

I imagine you'll be back on Relationships within a couple of years, saying how awful he is to the kids.

Brillig · 13/10/2016 09:08

It never occurred to me for one second to change my name. Dh never assumed I would either, but then we only got married for tax-planning purposes frankly, as we'd lived together for years anyway. Had a register office wedding in the town where I was born, mainly because they have a nice-ish town hall, and when the registrar coyly invited me to sign my 'maiden name for the last time,' dh and I exchanged forbearing looks. 13 years later I'm still signing it on a regular basis.

We both read the Grauniad and both loathe Trump with a passion btw. I honestly cannot imagine how anyone can have a LTR with someone whose politics are diametrically opposed to their own.