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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you kept your name when you got married, how did you husband take it?

283 replies

WanderingNotLost · 12/10/2016 23:24

Because my H2B is taking it as a personal slight, apparently.

Had a lovely evening together, we're getting ready for bed and I mention to him that I was thinking I might change my name to his legally, but keep my own name for sort of every day life. He did not take it well.
Saying I want to marry him, have the nice church wedding, be his wife and everything that goes with it except taking his name. Apparently I'm BU because 'that's how it's always been done'. Double barrelling isn't an option (although I'm with him there, it would sound daft) and of course he refuses point blank to consider taking mine (not that I'd ever really ask or expect him to) saying 'show me a man who was happy to take his wife's name, and I guarantee he'll be a pussy-whipped Guardian reader.' He went to bed sulking.
He just doesn't seem to get what a big deal it is. Probably cos all his friends wives changed their names straight away when they got married. To me, my name is my identity, it's who I am, it's what binds me to my Dad (who died just shy of 2 years ago) and his side of my family. And after all, I have said that legally I'd take his!
It doesn't surprise me that we don't agree. After all, he's a right wing pro-Brexit Tory voter and I'm a liberal leftie feminist... we're doomed, aren't we??

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 12/10/2016 23:57

And I have just had a thought.

His sister has just got married in a same sex relationship. If he brings it up again I may ask him whether he thinks his sister insisted her wife take their family name, or if his sister took her new wifes name.

I bet he will say that thats different, but wont be able to articulate why without resorting to outdated and sexist ideals.

EddieStobbart · 12/10/2016 23:58

My DH did not give two shits (nor did he give one shit).

You're doomed because your H2B is a twat.

PawWavingCat · 12/10/2016 23:58

My DH has no problem with me keeping my name - never been an issue for him, he's completely supportive of my choice. We've been married for 17 years so far.

Kids have his surname though. Kids and I have travelled together (without DH) and our different surnames have never been a problem for us (although obviously it can be an issue for some people.)

What else do you disagree about? If it were me, I'd like to know what other major issues are going to be difficult...

HeCantBeSerious · 12/10/2016 23:59

The reason I'd change it legally would be so I have the same surname as our children

Erm, any reason that couldn't be your name?

(Our children share DH's surname and have mine as a second middle name. They (7 and 6) love having both names and seeing the clear link to both sides of their family.)

Original poster
WanderingNotLost · 12/10/2016 23:59

Kittens well, politically speaking, we are polar opposites. He did say he'd vote for Trump if he was American- not because he likes him, but because he can't stand HC. But that's by the by...

He's not such a backwards-thinking buffoon all the time, and to be honest I didn't see this coming- I knew he was a traditionalist and that he'd assume I was taking his name, but I didn't expect him to be so offended when I suggested otherwise!

OP posts:
ImissGrannyW · 13/10/2016 00:00

About 2 minutes before my wedding, my work very proudly handed me 10000 business cards with "ImissGrannyW maiden name" and, (so pathetically) this is the only reason I didn't take his name when we got wed. He never batted an eyelid, or gave any indication he expected me to take his name.

However, after about 5 years in that job, I moved and got a new one (still had around 998 business cards left. I wasn't very good!) and when I did, I moved there as "ImissGrannyW His Name". He was just so fucking happy I'd taken his name, I wished I'd done it earlier. I understand if you're an academic (or similar) where you're known by what you've published. He was SO thrilled, and it was literally a nothing to me. I should have done it earlier. Bugger the business cards!

BTW, i consider his name v English and Upstanding, and am proud to carry it! Unlike my maiden name, which I never, ever liked.

LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 13/10/2016 00:01

Mine didn't give a shit. Mind you, if he'd ever used the term "pussy-whipped", he wouldn't be my husband.

BerylStreep · 13/10/2016 00:03

I can confidently say that in all the years I have been traveling with DC I have never, ever had an issue with having my passport in my own name and DC having a different name.

I do always carry a copy of my marriage certificate with my passport, but I have never had to produce it.

The only pain i have ever encountered is when people have given me cheques in married name and I have tried paying them into my account. Even then it is a fairly minor issue.

I would however take note of what other posters are saying about what this tells you about who you are planning to marry. I'd just tell him it's not up for discussion and stick to that. If that's a deal breaker for him then so be it. Better to find out now rather than later.

CannotEvenDeal · 13/10/2016 00:04

I did change mine but dh didn't care either way, except that I've raised his son as my own and if anything he (aged 4!) was the one who convinced me Smile

Princesspond · 13/10/2016 00:05

I didn't change my name, dh couldn't care less, and did not expect me to. Children don't mind. In laws always a bit unsure how to address the mail. That's it really.

VinoTime · 13/10/2016 00:06

pussy-whipped Guardian reader

He sounds delightful. Are you sure you want to marry this man, OP?

BerylStreep · 13/10/2016 00:07

What does being 'a traditionalist' involve generally?

Bleurgh at wanting to vote for Trump. Really Hmm

WilliamHerschel · 13/10/2016 00:08

Why not keep your name and give any children your name too?

stitchglitched · 13/10/2016 00:08

Why can't your children have your name? I won't be changing my name when we marry, our 2 kids both have my surname. DP knows me, so never thought for a second that I would change my name anyway, he has no issue with it. If he did then he isn't the sort of man I'd be in a relationship with.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2016 00:10

I was going to say don't marry him, and then I read this:

"He did say he'd vote for Trump if he was American- not because he likes him, but because he can't stand HC."

OMFG DON'T MARRY HIM

I'm not even joking, he clearly has no respect for women in general or for you in particular.

Trump is a misogynist and so is your fiancé.

If you do marry him, for the love of God keep your surname so you don't have to go to the trouble of changing it back when you divorce him.

And in the same vein, don't have children with him, but if you do, give them your surname. Double barrel (it cant be THAT bad) or just relegate Mr Sexist's surname to middle name.

I'm not even joking about the Trump thing, i don't know how you could marry someone with such extreme opposite politics. I think it's important to share key values with a life partner. And not being a misogynist is a pretty basic value.

Bogeyface · 13/10/2016 00:13

Wandering How old are you?

NoBetterName · 13/10/2016 00:13

Married long after dc came along (11 years to be exact). DH always knew I wouldn't take his name. I'm his wife, not his property and he doesn't get to dictate to me how things will be done.

My dc have dh name (only because he has dc from a former marriage and we wanted the dc to have the same name), but I've never had an issue when travelling alone with them, even as recently as this summer. Having the same name as your dc doesn't make them any more or less your own. They are "yours" to introduce to the world and show them how things work until you've done a good enough job that they can manage on their own.

KittensWithWeapons · 13/10/2016 00:14

'He did say he'd vote for Trump if he was American'. Oh dear. That would be a total deal braker for me. I couldn't look my DP in the eye if he suggested supporting such an odious, misogynistic, disgusting fucker.

What does being a 'traditionalist' entail?

Original poster
WanderingNotLost · 13/10/2016 00:14

I'm 31.

And if I stop replying it's cos I've fallen asleep, getting up at 5:20 and was supposed to be having an early night but this has got me too wound up!

OP posts:
FlyingElbows · 13/10/2016 00:15

Mr Elbows couldn't give a shit. Not only do I not have surname but.. shock... horror... neither do our children! Nobody has suffered any ill effects. I was the last of my name and Mr Elbows is one of a million in a large Catholic family (you can guess how much they approved). I had a perfectly serviceable name and saw no reason to get rid of it. Mr Elbows has never read the guardian and he's not "pussy whipped" he's just a decent bloke with bigger things to worry about.

TheNaze73 · 13/10/2016 00:16

I think you're doomed. If it's important to both of you & neither of you will budge, there's no answer here

April229 · 13/10/2016 00:20

Suggest that if it's tradition he's after there should be no further sex or living together before the wedding, you will likely have to downsize after the wedding because you won't be working and that the engagement ring will need to have cost two months salary. Guessing he's not up for those aspects of martial traditions......?. You can't pick and choose - 1950s or 2016, pick one and stick to It I say.

postitnotes · 13/10/2016 00:24

Yeah, I'm a wife-not-property type person. Would have thought it weird if my DH had asked my dad's 'permission' etc.

My husband took my name. Bit of a back story re family relations, but I'm pretty chuffed it wasn't an issue at all. He thinks his new surname is 'exotic' (forrin) Grin

kissingJustForPractice · 13/10/2016 00:24

My husband was a bit disappointed, but it really wasn't a big deal - we didn't get married til the kids were a few years old, so everyone was used to me having a different surname and I was nearly 40 and really couldn't imagine living under a different name after being Miss Practice for so long. Plus I don't see why I should give up my name and take up someone else's, the marriage is the commitment, not me giving up my identity. If it was a deal breaker for you, would he just walk away, or is he committed to you, rather than tradition?

EddieStobbart · 13/10/2016 00:26

I've only been aware from MN that there might be issues with my travelling alone with the DCs as we don't share a surname. However, both DCs had been given my surname as a second middle name (so they have three names then a surname), it's not double barrelled but it does at least mean my surname also appears on their passport. I've never actually experienced a problem in RL.

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