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Original poster

If you kept your name when you got married, how did you husband take it?

283 replies

WanderingNotLost · 12/10/2016 23:24

Because my H2B is taking it as a personal slight, apparently.

Had a lovely evening together, we're getting ready for bed and I mention to him that I was thinking I might change my name to his legally, but keep my own name for sort of every day life. He did not take it well.
Saying I want to marry him, have the nice church wedding, be his wife and everything that goes with it except taking his name. Apparently I'm BU because 'that's how it's always been done'. Double barrelling isn't an option (although I'm with him there, it would sound daft) and of course he refuses point blank to consider taking mine (not that I'd ever really ask or expect him to) saying 'show me a man who was happy to take his wife's name, and I guarantee he'll be a pussy-whipped Guardian reader.' He went to bed sulking.
He just doesn't seem to get what a big deal it is. Probably cos all his friends wives changed their names straight away when they got married. To me, my name is my identity, it's who I am, it's what binds me to my Dad (who died just shy of 2 years ago) and his side of my family. And after all, I have said that legally I'd take his!
It doesn't surprise me that we don't agree. After all, he's a right wing pro-Brexit Tory voter and I'm a liberal leftie feminist... we're doomed, aren't we??

OP posts:
Konyaa · 13/10/2016 07:44

Never in a thousand years would that man ever be my partner.

Thefishewife · 13/10/2016 07:44

poster BombayBonsai Thu 13-Oct-16 07:40:21
My h2b is taking my name and certainly isn't a "pushy whipped guardian reader" charming by the way.

He's secure enough in himself to recognise the reasons why it makes more sense for our family. He would have loved me to have his name but as I wasn't going to take it he took the steps to ensure that what was important to him happened. That was that we as a family share a name. Which name that was he didn't really mind.

Because you want somthing that is tradtioal and important to you and your family dosent make you insecure 😕

operaha · 13/10/2016 07:46

Pussy whipped ffs!!!! This would be the point I got out.... How can you bear that? And Trump tells you his opinion on women....
Married this year, didn't change my name, dh also didn't think I should as it's my name. I have his name on Facebook so I'm untraceable professionally.
We do both read the guardian.

TequilaBlockingBird · 13/10/2016 07:47

My husband wasn't bothered. His family were very relieved when the children got my husband's name though.

defineme · 13/10/2016 07:47

My dh didn't give a stuff. We double barrelled our kids. Nobody in our extended families has ever commented in nearly 20 years., my mum didn't really get why i even wanted to get married in this day and age, pil may have had misgivings being older and more traditional, but they are nice people and were just very grateful i married their son and produced grandchildren!
I have had the odd letter or person assuming I have dh's name, I couldn't care less about that either, I know what my name is, I am Ms too. I work with young people and I have met a couple of girls (now women) who specifically told me they followed my example when they got married, which made me very proudGrin

Konyaa · 13/10/2016 07:47

He sneers at the guardian and therefore possibly doesn't sneer at the daily mail
He would vote for trump
He thinks women should take a mans name
He equates equality with being pussy whipped
He would rather vote for a xenophobic bigoted male than a woman who he doesn't agree with

You're marrying THIS person?

BombayBonsai · 13/10/2016 07:51

In the context of the OPs partner I do think it boils down to insecurity. Not in all cases obviously, it's a personal choice but the pussy whipped comment suggests he would think it would make someone less of a man to take their wifes name.

Fortunately my fiance doesn't have that attitude.

And quite honestly I don't think a man should push a woman into changing their name based on tradition. If she wants to - great. If not - what's the problem?

The flipside of that is I would never have forced him to take my name. I was more than happy for him.to keep his name and our child would have been first name my name (as middle name) his name.

HyacinthFuckit · 13/10/2016 07:51

Mine didn't give any fucks. It's a useful test as to whether someone is worth marrying. Personally, I couldn't plight my troth to someone whose knowledge of history is so limited they think woman taking FILs name on marriage is how it's always been done. If your DHTB wanted to be really traditional, he wouldn't have a surname at all. Fortunately, my DH has a sufficient understanding of these matters that I can forgive his inability to concentrate long enough to get through the free paper on the bus, let alone a broadsheet.

allnewredfairy · 13/10/2016 07:51

My DH doesn't like the fact I haven't taken his name but ccepts it. It's never been an issue. When we first discussed it I asked him to change his name to mine and he was aghast. I told him that's how I felt about changing my name to his.

ProfYaffle · 13/10/2016 07:53

Dh would've been disappointed if I'd changed my name to his. He considered taking my name but was too lazy in the end. Dc have my name.

Fil was horrified and said "Do I not have a say in this?" My response was " Confused no". Pil still refuse to use any surname of any description on correspondence to me or the dc!

daisychain01 · 13/10/2016 07:54

Don't dismiss things like political alignment as not being relevant in your marriage/relationship OP. They are a significant indicator about your and your DPs deeply- held beliefs in life.

If your politics are as diametrically opposed as you say they are, you're setting yourself up for massive problems later on. Maybe you can brush them under the carpet now, but believe me they will be magnified x1000 during your marriage.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 13/10/2016 07:54

Sorry OP, my DH couldn't have given a hoot when I kept my name too. It was a non issue for him. I'm a bit concerned by your DP's response, and think you should think carefully.

ClaraLane · 13/10/2016 07:56

I'm going through something similar with my husband (of 3 weeks!) at the moment. I always assumed I'd change my name when I was younger as I got bullied terribly for it at school but over the years I've come to see it as a part of who I am and at 27 I don't feel the need to change it to his just because we've got married. It's caused quite a few arguments, mainly because he says it's tradition and I just should change itHmm We went to the bank the other day and I was asked if I had my marriage certificate to change my name and I told them I didn't and after we left he huffed and puffed about it all over again. I'm very stubborn and quite honestly the more he pushes me to do it the less inclined I am to want to do it.

I believe that the 100 odd people who came to our wedding are more than aware we're married, as are we, and I don't feel the need to change it on every single solitary piece of paperwork. Plus as the house is in my name all of the bills are in my name and I can't be bothered with the hassle to change it over. My passport won't expire for another 3 years so I shan't do that either. As it stands I'm happy to answer to his name or my name interchangeably and I'm going to see how I feel about it over the coming years. Any children would have his name not because of tradition but because I would like to give them a chance at school without the bullying I went through.

HyacinthFuckit · 13/10/2016 07:56

On what planet would your FIL think he had a say in it profyaffle?!

MouseholeCat · 13/10/2016 07:57

My DH felt a little sad initially, but then we talked it through and he understood my reasons.

Despite being very much for equality I don't think he'd interrogated the practice before and so just didn't yet understand how something so small could affect me.

Some difference in opinion is fine so long as there's respect... but for your DP to so flagrantly disregard your beliefs is worrying.

ProfYaffle · 13/10/2016 07:58

I've no idea hyacinth!

Beebeeeight · 13/10/2016 07:58

Run for the hills.

You aren't compatible with each other.

This is a disaster waiting to happen.

In a few yours you'll be on the relationships board, a forced sahm who's dh won't share his salary with and won't allow to work.

You are setting yourself up to throw away your life.

PoldarksBreeches · 13/10/2016 08:03

Why are you marrying a right wing, Tory, trump supporting brexit voting misogynist?

Serious question?

AndShesGone · 13/10/2016 08:07

I reckon with your politics so far apart you might need to know you're in for a life time of 'discussion'. As long as you're respectful i.e. No personal insults, it might be ok

But you're a better woman than me Grin

I never even considered changing my name. My dh would never have suggested it either as we're the same politically, small 'p' and large 'P'.

LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea · 13/10/2016 08:09

DH would have been surprised if I HAD changed it!

My name is my culture and my identity. I would never change it. The DC have DH's name and I carry their birth certs with me when we travel. Job done.

How do you think your partner will feel about things like nappy changes, op? Or PND? Or equal division of household labour? Or you looking after his mum/dad when they're older and he's too busy working to help (even though you have a job, DC and all the housework too)?

Think carefully. I've cancelled a wedding myself and it is not as overwhelming in retrospect as it appeared at the time....

appalachianwalzing · 13/10/2016 08:11

I don't think it ever occurred to my husband I might change my name, I'm fairly outspoken about the feminism and he didn't care, though initially was resistant to the idea he might change his name. What we have discussed most is future children- they'll be double-barrelled - and whether we should have the same name as them.

After talking it all through, he was up for us both double-barrelling, I was resistant. We'll now wait till they're actually here and see. We're both happy with this decision, it took a few discussions though: he went from assuming they'd probably have his name, questioning whether double-barrelled was awful, to feeling we should maybe both double-barrell ourselves so we all 'match'

Honestly though: the way we went about deciding was a series of respectful conversations where we both tried to see the others view. Don't dismiss how he argues now about important things, and how he considers or dismisses your needs- I can honestly say DH has never sulked, and we have a v equal relationship.

Politics underlie all our personal actions, really- it's a v convenient shortcut to see what you value in society. I know many die hard republicans voting for Hilary this time- it's somehow worse it's her given their general hatred of all things Clinton, but they recognise how abhorrent trump is. Think carefully about what his throwaway comments about things like that mean, what his actions are telling you and most importantly how he still shows he values you and sees you as an equal when you disagree. I think there are quite a few red flags in your post that suggest if you don't do some proper thinking and talking through, this might be a less happy marriage than you deserve.

Fourfifthsof · 13/10/2016 08:12

H2B sounds like a bit of a bellend.

Just don't change it - never explain, never justify. Wink

My DH isn't fussed and although MIL makes regular digs about it, I'm not married to her so just laugh at her and take no notice.

If your H2B can't discuss this with your and understand why it is important to you to keep your name, what's going to be next? He throws a strop when your want a say in naming your own child? Lots of things are traditional... Lots of them are rubbish too.

IAmNotAWitch · 13/10/2016 08:13

DH didn't care either way and he is a rugby playing banker, I don't think he reads newspapers at all if that helps?

The kids do have his name, he wanted them too and I didn't care.

He regularly goes by my surname as I make all travel arrangements and hotel bookings etc are in my name.

It isn't a big deal here, neither of us correct people anymore. It just doesn't matter.

PoldarksBreeches · 13/10/2016 08:13

You call yourself a feminist but you're marrying a man who believes that men doing what they expect women to do makes them pussy whipped...in fact a man who used the term pussy whipped full stop.
What are you thinking?

PenguindreamsofDraco · 13/10/2016 08:16

I changed mine on passport, driving licence and our joint account for convenience since I kept being asked for proof we were married for a variety of reasons, and kept my original name on all business related things (& the house Grin) I have cultivated the same signature for all docs and all names Grin

I don't remember ever having a conversation about it - nothing to do with him what I choose to be called.