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Original poster

If you kept your name when you got married, how did you husband take it?

283 replies

WanderingNotLost · 12/10/2016 23:24

Because my H2B is taking it as a personal slight, apparently.

Had a lovely evening together, we're getting ready for bed and I mention to him that I was thinking I might change my name to his legally, but keep my own name for sort of every day life. He did not take it well.
Saying I want to marry him, have the nice church wedding, be his wife and everything that goes with it except taking his name. Apparently I'm BU because 'that's how it's always been done'. Double barrelling isn't an option (although I'm with him there, it would sound daft) and of course he refuses point blank to consider taking mine (not that I'd ever really ask or expect him to) saying 'show me a man who was happy to take his wife's name, and I guarantee he'll be a pussy-whipped Guardian reader.' He went to bed sulking.
He just doesn't seem to get what a big deal it is. Probably cos all his friends wives changed their names straight away when they got married. To me, my name is my identity, it's who I am, it's what binds me to my Dad (who died just shy of 2 years ago) and his side of my family. And after all, I have said that legally I'd take his!
It doesn't surprise me that we don't agree. After all, he's a right wing pro-Brexit Tory voter and I'm a liberal leftie feminist... we're doomed, aren't we??

OP posts:
roasted · 13/10/2016 00:27

If you don't have children yet, you haven't given them a surname yet. Why does it have to be his? If having a different surname is a problem, let him change his surname, why does it have to be you?

I wouldn't change my name for anyone, I've built my career using my name. I believe in marriage, I do, but I don't think women should change their name as a matter of course - they should think about it, understand that there is a choice and then do whatever they're more comfortable with.

Of course, if I had an awful surname, I'd marry someone with a nice surname sharpish and change mine. ;)

SenecaFalls · 13/10/2016 00:32

I have been married for 30 years; I didn't take DH's name. He likes that I have my own name and always makes a point of introducing me with my first name and surname so that people don't assume I have his last name.

"He did say he'd vote for Trump if he was American

I am American and this would be a deal breaker for me. Any man who would be willing to vote for a man who has essentially advocated sexual assault would not be sharing my bed.

Bogeyface · 13/10/2016 00:34

I wondered if you might be closer to 40 than that, and it was a case of marrying this mysoginisitic git and having kids before the fertility window closes, rather than risk not meeting someone better in time.

However, as that is not the case I would suggest that you delve a little deeper before taking vows.

What are his views on the kids names, you working after having kids, sharing housework/childcaring duties after they are born, who gets the final say on issues like moving house/areas/jobs etc?

I suspect that this may only be the tip of a very very large iceberg of incompatibilities.....

Bogeyface · 13/10/2016 00:36

Also, what are his parents like? What are their core values? Does his dad ever make his own dinner or make a cup of tea for his mum? Did she work? Did he do any childcare? That kind of thing will tell you a hell of a lot about what his expectations are of marriage and family life.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2016 00:36

Yep, at 31 you still have time.
Run away from the Trump supporter while you still can!

groovergirl · 13/10/2016 00:42

Good point, Practice. Is he committed to you, or to tradition? A tradition that goes only as far back as the Industrial Revolution, when people moved into towns and cities and it was useful to know who was married to whom. A tradition that was blown out of the water by 1920s feminists and again in the 1970s. There's no legal requirement to change your name, OP. So do what you like. If you want to get rid of an original surname that you don't like, take this chance. If you like your name, keep it, and avoid changing name on driver's licence, credit and debit cards, passport etc, because it really is a hassle.

And don"t put up with any sulking or talk of being pussy-whipped. Seriously, this behaviour should be a great big RED FLAG.

Endoftheroad16 · 13/10/2016 00:48

My husband had the same attitude and essentially I felt forced into taking his name. He threatened to cancel our wedding if I didn't!

I regret marrying him ( for many reasons) but that was a big indicator of his attitude to me in a lot of ways and I wish I'd heeded the warning signs!

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 13/10/2016 00:52

I don't think we ever talked about it. I'm sure he just assumed I wouldn't change it and I didn't

NameChange30 · 13/10/2016 00:53

End Shock Sad

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 13/10/2016 00:54

I never had any problems travelling alone with my son and we have different surnames.

crossparsley · 13/10/2016 01:00

my husband asked me not to because he knew me by my whole name before we got together (work relationship). I wanted to keep my name anyway but it's a handy response at weddings (only time it comes up) when someone who changed her name says "ooh you didn't change your name?"

I don't ask anyone why she did. I do think a bit about someone who asks me why I didn't.

AntiHop · 13/10/2016 01:00

I didn't change my name and dp didn't bat an eyelid. I didn't expect him to change his name, or for us to make s composite name as we both wanted to keep our identity.

TheStoic · 13/10/2016 01:15

It would be a cold day in hell before I married a man who was upset about me keeping my own identity. Can't imagine a man like that getting to a second date, to be honest.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 13/10/2016 01:24

As a 'pussy whipped guardian reader©' who has the misfortune to be married to some dreadful harridan who had the brass neck to keep her surname ... didn't bother me in the slightest.

I don't think either of us thought it would do anything other than keep our own names. It would have bothered me far more if she'd wanted to change it. I think I'd have found it odd and slightly out of character.

porkandcheese · 13/10/2016 01:26

I didn't take DH's name and many years later, I wish I had paid a little bit more attention to his and his family's reaction and the subtext of their reactions rather than brushing it under the carpet. For years after we married I received my birthday cards from his family (not just PIL but also BIL , aunts, uncles, family friends) addressed using his surname not mine. My DC's - who became double barrelled - also received cards and letters from his side of the family completely ignoring my surname in their double barrelled surname. Despite DH knowing how much it upset me and my requests to him to remind his parents about how important it was for me and the DC's to be addressed using our correct names, he never said anything and let it go on for years. I finally lost it about three years ago when I began to refuse to open letters/cards to me and the DC, if they were incorrectly addressed. I threatened to start returning them to sender marked with 'not known at this address'. Now when we receive Xmas and anniversary cards, it is only ever made out to our first names which is progress. At least DC's now get mail from their grandparents which is correctly addressed to them. DH's choice to not defend me on this matter has pretty much been indicative of his general attitude toward me in relation to the PIL. He would much rather acquiesce to the PIL's demands than ever stand shoulder to shoulder with me on any issues where there may be conflict with his parents views/desires/wishes. And when this is raised in blazing rows heated discussions, I regularly get it thrown back in my face that any suggestion that DH puts his parents before his own family is rich coming from me considering I wasn't even prepared to take on a family name..... The whole in-laws thing is now so dysfunctional it is totally beyond repair as far as I'm concerned, and it started with this and terrible disagreements with them about the wedding. For this reason and from my experience, sadly I am inclined to agree with Bogeyface that it could be the tip of the iceberg in terms of incompatibility and could well be a sign of things to come. But I have everything crossed for you that this won't be the case.

BummyMummy77 · 13/10/2016 01:36

Dh has always said he'd change his to mine or double barrel all of ours. May do that. Waiting until my passport needs renewing though as I'm a tight cow.

TheSkyAtNight · 13/10/2016 02:52

What are his views on parenting, specifically his role? I think you should worry that your views/needs will be less important than 'tradition' there too. Does being 'pussywhipped' worry him? Does that really mean a relationship in which a woman is equal?

Bogeyface · 13/10/2016 03:26

A man who uses the term pussy-whipped hates women.

FACT.

LemonSqueezy0 · 13/10/2016 07:34

When someone tells you who they are, you should believe them.

Run.

Thefishewife · 13/10/2016 07:38

It causes problems is my bil marriage and the underpin thing seems to be lack of respect generally

He is hen pecked and sees this a a continuing of it he's gets teased by others often he got invited to a wedding they put Mrs and MR then her surname

She married into a old fashioned Irish family so new when he was floating the idea he would be teased unrelentlessly and still went ahead also

And I know when the row this often comes up

BombayBonsai · 13/10/2016 07:40

My h2b is taking my name and certainly isn't a "pushy whipped guardian reader" charming by the way.

He's secure enough in himself to recognise the reasons why it makes more sense for our family. He would have loved me to have his name but as I wasn't going to take it he took the steps to ensure that what was important to him happened. That was that we as a family share a name. Which name that was he didn't really mind.

BombayBonsai · 13/10/2016 07:41

Even my auto correct doesn't like that turn of phrase!

Thefishewife · 13/10/2016 07:42

If ifs important to you to have your own name and he wasn't a family with his it's likey your marrying the wrong person

Think of it like this a man who refuses to wear a wedding ring and the wife really wants him to its hurtful but it's likey to be just the tip of deeper differences it values and attatuides

CMOTDibbler · 13/10/2016 07:42

I didn't discuss it with DH until 2 weeks before our wedding when someone asked what my new name would be, I replied 'the same as it is now' and they asked how dh felt about that. It had genuinely not crossed my mind. Dh looked a bit confused and asked why it would be an issue. The subsequent 19 years of marriage have been respectful and equitable.

I couldn't marry someone who referred to anyone in the terms he used which are abhorrent to me.

80sWaistcoat · 13/10/2016 07:43

He never expected me to and I didn't. Second marriage, he already had kids and green wouldn't be any more. But whoever I'd married I wouldn't have taken their name, unless it was well ace and better than mine by far...

Agree with poster above, have the conversation now about expectations when you are married about childcare, house work etc in case he's 'old fashioned' about them too...

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