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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you kept your name when you got married, how did you husband take it?

283 replies

WanderingNotLost · 12/10/2016 23:24

Because my H2B is taking it as a personal slight, apparently.

Had a lovely evening together, we're getting ready for bed and I mention to him that I was thinking I might change my name to his legally, but keep my own name for sort of every day life. He did not take it well.
Saying I want to marry him, have the nice church wedding, be his wife and everything that goes with it except taking his name. Apparently I'm BU because 'that's how it's always been done'. Double barrelling isn't an option (although I'm with him there, it would sound daft) and of course he refuses point blank to consider taking mine (not that I'd ever really ask or expect him to) saying 'show me a man who was happy to take his wife's name, and I guarantee he'll be a pussy-whipped Guardian reader.' He went to bed sulking.
He just doesn't seem to get what a big deal it is. Probably cos all his friends wives changed their names straight away when they got married. To me, my name is my identity, it's who I am, it's what binds me to my Dad (who died just shy of 2 years ago) and his side of my family. And after all, I have said that legally I'd take his!
It doesn't surprise me that we don't agree. After all, he's a right wing pro-Brexit Tory voter and I'm a liberal leftie feminist... we're doomed, aren't we??

OP posts:
Eolian · 13/10/2016 19:39

I took dh's name for convenience and because people always misspelled mine. I didn't feel particularly attached to it tbh.

In your situation though OP, the question wouldn't arise, because I couldn't possibly marry anyone who talked about pussy-whipped Guardian readers or said they'd vote Trump.

WilliamHerschel · 13/10/2016 19:42

Op this will probably get lost in the replies (or kill the thread) but you haven't responded to any of the posters asking why you wouldn't give any potential children your surname not his. I am a bit confused about this. If you don't marry or do choose to keep your surname on marriage, why would you give your children the father's surname?

paxillin · 13/10/2016 19:45

I think DH would have been hugely surprised had I taken his name. Your DH is presumably aware of your personality and political views. You should express your surprise at his surprise.

Somerville · 13/10/2016 19:57

I'm glad that this is a discussion that not just many couples have now, but that women (and men) have amongst themselves.

I got married more than 15 years ago, straight out of university and the first to marry in our friendship group. I thought I was a feminist but didn't even consider not changing my surname. Using Ms DHSurname rather than Mrs felt subversive enough.

I really started to understand feminism when I was trying to juggle my Masters and first child. I realised that there were good reasons for returning to my birth name but I didn't want to have a different surname to DD1.

DH was perplexed by me wanting to change hers and mine (I offered my surname to him too Grin) but said he'd consent, but for a variety of reasons I didn't go through with it.

Anyway, DH passed away a few years ago. I obviously cannot now take his name away from my children - it would be hurtful for them, for his extended family, and disrespectful of his memory. But I'm getting remarried and whilst I will not change my name again it leaves me with a dilemma if we have a child. Give them mine (DH1surname)? How would the child feel about sharing a name with Dh's extended family who they are not related to and with my late husband rather than their own father? My fiancé's surname - how will the child feel about being the only sibling not to have the same surname as me? Me and the child switching to my family name - how will my other children feel about me no longer sharing their name with me? It's impossible without even starting to consider the feelings of the adults involved. (Primarily mine, as my fiancé may be the kindest man in the world, and says if we're lucky enough to have a child together he doesn't mind what names s/he has.) I guess the least-worst option would be hyphenating, though we both have long surnames that start with the same letter, so rather a mouthful.

Anyway, perhaps a bit off topic, apologies OP. But I wanted to explain why I think that discussions like these are so valuable. Thankfully young widowhood is rare, but 50% of marriages end in divorce and numbers of blended families are rising fast. A likely result will be more women keeping their birth surname, and giving them to their DC, which I recommend!

leedy · 13/10/2016 20:03

" I am a bit confused about this. If you don't marry or do choose to keep your surname on marriage, why would you give your children the father's surname?"

Why wouldn't you? Why is that confusing? The two aren't mutually exclusive. The children's relationship to their father is separate from your relationship to him, surely? I mean, the children have to have a surname and it would make sense for it to be one or both of their parents'.

(Personally am not married to DP, have my original surname, but our children have his surname with my surname as their middle name - which is something we did discuss as we didn't want to just blindly "do the done thing". Amazingly we are still identifiably a family.)

thisisafakename · 13/10/2016 20:19

Ridiculous that we still have different titles for marital status of women (but not men) in this country. Just get rid of it and do what they do in Germany where all women are Mrs (Frau) or France (Madame). Mrs, Ms and Miss are all short for the same thing anyway (Mistress). Or better still, just address people by their first names rather than this faux-polite crap.

Of course, part of my reason for doing a PhD (besides the fact that my job required me to do it) was that I now have a gender and marriage neutral title Grin. Although now I have to deal with the presumption that I am a man. I always used to think I would never change my bank cards and stuff to Dr but then I thought, no, I want to be able to tell those fuckers who insist on asking whether it's Miss or Mrs that actually it's neither.

MaudlinNamechange · 13/10/2016 20:36

"He's not such a backwards-thinking buffoon all the time, and to be honest I didn't see this coming-"

I think there is a lot you're not seeing coming.

A lot of men are much more reasonable in the way they treat other people (even other women) relative to how they treat their wives. I think this might be a hint of what he thinks marriage is and how his wife should relate to him.

TheRadiantAerynSun · 13/10/2016 20:37

There was a conversation where DH expressed that he was a bit sad we wouldn't all have the same name.

I said that he was welcome to take mine if he wanted.
He was horrified.
Why not? I asked.
It's my name! He says, it's part of who I am!
.... as is mine, says I.
Ooooh! He says. I see. No. Don't change it then.

He's now quite evangelical about not changing names on marriage and encourages all the women he knows to keep their name. They just roll their eyes and ignore him.

WilliamHerschel · 13/10/2016 20:47

Why wouldn't you? Why is that confusing? The two aren't mutually exclusive. The children's relationship to their father is separate from your relationship to him, surely? I mean, the children have to have a surname and it would make sense for it to be one or both of their parents'.

Sorry I was not clear. I do understand why children take their father's surnames. I have seen on mumsnet many times posters saying they have or want to change their name to their husbands so that they have the same name as their children and I have heard this in real life. Many of them do not seem to even consider that their children could just take the mother's surname.

I am not married. When I had a child pretty much everyone, friends and family assumed she would have her father's surname (her surname is actually our names double barrelled). I asked a few people why they assumed she would have his, and they said "it's tradition". This is not correct in the case of unmarried parents. (I realise I'm talking about two slightly different scenarios here, married and unmarried).

Some couples may have discussed this and decided for whatever reason to give the child the father's surname, but from people I know and some of the posts I've seen on MN, for many people it is taken as a given. Seeing as mothers are the ones who go through pregnancy and more often that not take on the majority of childcare, and seeing as both unmarried parents and those who kept their own names have broken tradition in a sense, I have been wondering why this is.

WilliamHerschel · 13/10/2016 20:49

And that genuinely isn't supposed to be a criticism, just something I have thought about since having dd.

Tunafishandlions · 13/10/2016 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Collaborate · 13/10/2016 23:33

FWIW my wife never took my name on marrying. She was up front about it from the start. That stuff wasn't important to me. The only thing I asked was that the kids have my surname. They have her surname as a middle name.

Each to their own.

LineyReborn · 13/10/2016 23:38

Well I wouldn't marry the twat, OP, but it's up to you.

LineyReborn · 13/10/2016 23:39

The only thing I asked was that the kids have my surname.

That's quite a big thing.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 13/10/2016 23:41

Fine or he wouldn't be my husband

judybloomno5 · 14/10/2016 00:59

I changed my name. It bothered my husband that I took it more than it bothered me that I didn't.

IAmNotAWitch · 14/10/2016 01:51

I use "Ms" for everything and assume all women do unless they advise me otherwise - which they rarely do.

I have a different surname to the kids - no one cares at all, sometimes I am referred to as Mrs "DHLastName" as that is the kid's last name, again it doesn't matter.

Kids have first and middle names from my family's side and his surname, so we were both happy with that.

Inlaws did struggle a bit initially with the idea, but they got over it.

Only weak men need weak women (not that changing your name or otherwise indicates weakness).

Blueskyrain · 14/10/2016 07:56

I use my name for work (with Miss) , and for our merged name, I use Mrs.

MitzyLeFrouf · 14/10/2016 10:39

The only thing I asked was that the kids have my surname.

Only? That's the biggie!

NameChange30 · 14/10/2016 10:45

My thoughts exactly!

leedy · 14/10/2016 10:55

"Some couples may have discussed this and decided for whatever reason to give the child the father's surname, but from people I know and some of the posts I've seen on MN, for many people it is taken as a given. Seeing as mothers are the ones who go through pregnancy and more often that not take on the majority of childcare, and seeing as both unmarried parents and those who kept their own names have broken tradition in a sense, I have been wondering why this is."

I suppose in general just because people have broken with one or two traditions it doesn't follow that they want to or have even thought about breaking with any more of them.

In our case one of the reasons why I was happy to go with DP's surname for the kids is that I am part of a large, loud (and lovely, obv) family, many of whom live near me, and I thought it might be nice for him to not feel quite so outnumbered. :) But yes, I do sometimes wonder as well why "not giving children their father's name" seems quite so remarkable. I suspect it might be lingering unconscious cultural traces of the stigma once attached to being "illegitimate".

DryIce · 14/10/2016 11:02

The only thing I asked was that the kids have my surname.

The only thing!

You make it sound like your wife owed you for your kind lack of pressure in allowing her to keep her own name...just as you did

LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea · 14/10/2016 11:22

Did anyone feel weirdly possessive over the idea of their DH taking their name? I haven't actually discussed it with current DH, but my ex (when he realised that I absolutely didn't want to change my name to his) enthusiastially suggested that he take mine. I was a bit Confused and Hmm at that; my knee-jerk response was 'Get your hands off my name - you have no link to my culture or background!' I may be a bit weird.

Of course, part of my reason for doing a PhD (besides the fact that my job required me to do it) was that I now have a gender and marriage neutral title grin. Although now I have to deal with the presumption that I am a man. I always used to think I would never change my bank cards and stuff to Dr but then I thought, no, I want to be able to tell those fuckers who insist on asking whether it's Miss or Mrs that actually it's neither.

^^This. 'Actually, it's Doctor.' Best feeling ever Grin

myownprivateidaho · 14/10/2016 11:28

OP your H2B sounds awful frankly. I never considered changing my name, it was a complete non-issue. I think I once suggested that my DH could take my name, but he didn't fancy it. I have a male friend who took his wife's name was never made a big thing of, just announced as what they were doing. He is fantastic def a guardian reader type but a really cool, funny, popular, confident bloke.

Threetoedsloth · 14/10/2016 11:30

My husband was happy to change his name to mine. The only problem with that was that I'd retained my married name on divorce because I liked it much more than the name I was born with which was unusual, I always had to spell it and it was rarely ever spelt correctly and (shallow) I didn't like its"sound"
Also I had built a professional standing under the married name and I really didn't want to lose that. I am old and grey so I reverted to Miss Ex Husband's surname.I was only ever content to be Miss Ex Husband's surname because I was a solicitor and courts and judges, were in my day, and probably still are, pretty conventional.(aka stuffy)
I said it was very lovely of him to suggest taking my name, but on balance I thought we'd be better off being known by his surname. Not for any grave and weighty, patriarchal, hierarchical stuff, just because it was what I was happy to do. I am now a Mrs, but I rarely ever either call myself Mrs Married name.I dislike the "sound" of Ms. I always introduce myself as First name Surname and when appropriate prefer to be addressed by my first name(at the doctors etc). Not fond of "titles"

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