SIL sent save date card only addressed to DH

[waybulooisbabycrack]

Post arrived this morning, including an envelope with what looked like a card addressed to DH. (He has no problem with me opening & sorting through the post, I have no problem with him opening my stuff either, no secrets).

It's a very posh A5 metallic save the date, fridge magnet from soon to be SIL who is having a swanky stylish very chi wedding in London next year.

AIBU to feel a bit miffed that she didn't address it to both of us, and only her brother.

It's probably an oversight, she is 11 years younger than him, but I do feel a bit hurt because his siblings have a habit of making plans for family get togethers and not including me, because we have 5 children and it's not always easy for me to get a sitter & go.

It comes after a phone call from his brother, trying to organise our Christmas and put pressure on us to go to his house over an hours drive away on Christmas Day. DH has 3 siblings, only 1 of whom has a (14 year old) child from an ex. In making all these Christmas plans they have just expected DH to go along with what they are doing and DH is happy too and thinks I am weird for thinking it's selfish and thoughtless for his siblings & their partners to impose a schedule on us.

So the timing/wording of the card rubs salt into the wound.

AIBU to feel hurt by it only being addressed to her brother? Should I drop a hint to MIL who would not be impressed at the thoughtlessness.

[RetroImp]

Unless you stand your ground with people and set boundaries, they will walk all over you. I learned it. The hard way! My ex dumped his entire extended family on me for Christmas, without ever asking me. I put up with it for some years. But then, the numbers started growing each year, he invited a huge bunch of people without consulting with me and expected me to pay for all the food and cook the Christmas dinner and buy all the drink. Until then, I never celebrated Christmas, as I'm Jewish. I laugh about it now as it was so absurd and outrageous. I had about 23 people turn up and only knew about 7 of them. Basically, his siblings brought assorted stragglers and friends with them, as they had all raved about my cooking. I worked up right till Christmas Eve and was exhausted. They descended on my house like a swarm of locusts. No one offered to help, least of all my ex. And no presents come to think of it. Then some people started smoking cigarettes and cigars in my house. I begged my ex to please ask them to smoke outside, as I have severe asthma and smoke makes me super wheezy. He said it was rude and people should feel relaxed on Christmas. As I walked into my living room, there was literally a thick cloud of smoke, even my ex had lit up. His family knew about my severe asthma. The stress, anger and smoke made me choke and very wheezy. I grabbed my hospital emergency bag, books, magazines and drove myself to A&E. By the time, I got there I had a full blown attack. I ended up staying there till the New Year. Neither he nor his family visited. They were apparently outraged by my rudeness for just leaving, with the food half prepared. At least that's what he claimed. When I got home, he was out and the house was a tip with much of the Christmas stuff not cleared away. I changed the locks, packed up his things and left them with a friend. Don't be an idiot like me OP! Sod what anyone else thinks, this is your and your kids Christmas above all.

[DontMindMe1]

OP, it sounds like your self confidence had been ground down over the years by the il's deliberately thoughtless, ignorant, rude and selfish behaviour. Factor in the lack of support from your dh and his constant gaslighting whenever you try to assert yourself - i can see why you give in so easily.

But you are NOT a doormat, a second class person and neither are your dc. I can guarantee you once they have dc it will be all about them.

You can't make them like you but you can make them respect you, and the only way to do that is to stand up for yourself in the face of all they throw at you. When you find yourself in a position where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't - do the thing that's right for you.

Of course your dh wants to be with his other family on xmas day etc....he can 'collapse' and get waited on hand and foot - whilst you carry on doing the childcare.
In future, speak with the siblings yourself re invites etc, your dh could very well be presenting things in a different light because he wants a child free holiday/piss up.

It seems like the siblings look down their noses at you and treat you as 'little wifey', whilst they glory in their 'professional/important' status.
Even your dh to some extent.
What do they think? That you don't have a professional 'job' and so that means you have no credibility/authority/whatever, that you don't need to be treated with any respect?

Cut out dh the middle man and make sure you get involved.
The leaving you out of the whatsapp group is so hurtful, just proves that they don't really see you as 'family'.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Retrolmp. Wow. You're an amazing person. What a low life your ex and his family is.

Waybuloo. Sounds like you have a plan. After you get back, can you have a couple of down days seeing as dh will get them with his family? Sounds like you need it.

And regarding SILs number. When I want someone's number, I either ask them for it or I ask someone, who has their number. If you want her number, ask for it

Stand up for yourself. You sound like a martyr and a victim.

[ParForTheCourses]

That's great. Keep sticking to your guns. He may not like it but he'll have to get used to it. Let him field any sibling moans and comments, if he tries to moan along with them and guilt you ask him why in a family of your size he is the only one who ever gets what he wants. Ask him why his wants matter more especially when they put a strain on his family. And ignore his siblings.

I'll cross my fingers for you, I hope that by sticking firm you can break this selfish tradition and make this selfish man and thoughtless family see reason.

[PikachuSayBoo]

I would be saying bollocks to those xmas arrangements.

For me Christmas is about kids. So kids getting to stay in their own house, eating chocolate, playing with their toys and presents, watching TV. Anyone who wants to come is welcome but for the last 15 years I have refused to go anywhere!