SIL sent save date card only addressed to DH

[waybulooisbabycrack]

Post arrived this morning, including an envelope with what looked like a card addressed to DH. (He has no problem with me opening & sorting through the post, I have no problem with him opening my stuff either, no secrets).

It's a very posh A5 metallic save the date, fridge magnet from soon to be SIL who is having a swanky stylish very chi wedding in London next year.

AIBU to feel a bit miffed that she didn't address it to both of us, and only her brother.

It's probably an oversight, she is 11 years younger than him, but I do feel a bit hurt because his siblings have a habit of making plans for family get togethers and not including me, because we have 5 children and it's not always easy for me to get a sitter & go.

It comes after a phone call from his brother, trying to organise our Christmas and put pressure on us to go to his house over an hours drive away on Christmas Day. DH has 3 siblings, only 1 of whom has a (14 year old) child from an ex. In making all these Christmas plans they have just expected DH to go along with what they are doing and DH is happy too and thinks I am weird for thinking it's selfish and thoughtless for his siblings & their partners to impose a schedule on us.

So the timing/wording of the card rubs salt into the wound.

AIBU to feel hurt by it only being addressed to her brother? Should I drop a hint to MIL who would not be impressed at the thoughtlessness.

[waybulooisbabycrack]

Sure. The HK wedding was unavoidable, it was just the assumption that all our money for a family holiday would be spent on DH going, that rankled.

Maybe I just need to arrange a holiday for myself soon. I feel exhausted, in need of a break and not really looking forward to any sort of respite or relax at Christmas either.

It's hard because DH is always exhausted post Christmas too and we never get any quality family time in the run up because it's one of his busiest times of year. Then afterwards he wants to collapse and finds it easier to relax when he's not over the shop.

[justgivemeamo]

MIL just told me she thinks they are all being completely thoughtless

Ah - but they are her children. Why isnt she saying something? Why isnt she coaching them - " x have you thought about ds wife, dont you think it w0uld be nice to invite her" these are her dc whom she has raised.....all very well her thinking its out of order but whats she doing about it?

[justgivemeamo]

Waltermittythesequel Thu 13-Oct-16 12:00:57

I agree, your coming across as a bit of a martyr op. But although I feel for you and your dh sounds selfish and his siblings awful, this isnt even about you but your DC - it sounds like a miserable xmas for them.

[justgivemeamo]

Sure. The HK wedding was unavoidable, it was just the assumption that all our money for a family holiday would be spent on DH going, that rankled.


^^ it seems to me your dh acts like and you accept - anything for and to do with his family is un avoidable, at all costs no matter what they are ££/emotional etc is worth it for his family.

just his family he grew up with - not however the family he has now, those same rules dont apply.

[Saffronesque]

Thoughtless gits.

Have experienced similar.

Withdrew massively, whilst trying to hide it from kids, who luckily are fairly oblivious to the undertones.

But they do see the thoughtlessness and assumptions more as they get older.

I've been like you, suckling it up for the benefit of kids. Also DH thoughtful & mostly on same page. Wouldn't dream of swanning off to a distant wedding without my real support.

[RestlessTraveller]

I think there's a few different issues in play here.

I think you do really need to talk to DH about how the treatment from his family makes you feel.

Regarding the wedding in HK it's a shame you couldn't all afford to go. But I think you did the best you could by just sending DH. If it was your sibling getting married would you want to miss it?

It's the bride and grooms prerogative to invite who they want.

I think you've been a bit rude and judgemental about the wedding, calling it 'chi' and 'achingly on trend'. It'a their wedding they can have it how they want.

[justgivemeamo]

If it was your sibling getting married would you want to miss it?


^^ there is no way I would deny my dh and my children a holiday that year for a wedding over seas no.

[justgivemeamo]

DH will say that it's not fair on DC to have their parents in 2 different places and will point out that they normally quite enjoy Wales despite everything



SO!!!!! YOU say - sorry but I think they would have a far better time at home enjoying the day how I want. They can see your dp at another time of year or your dp can come to me?

If you really feel the DC will suffer not having you pop in and out - over xmas ( as you will be popping in to see us - of course while you spend time with your siblings...) THEN SPEND IT AT HOME.

[BforBuckOff]

This sounds less like an in-law problem and more like a DH problem.

My guess is that the siblings don't care what you do. Not in a rude way but because they don't have martyrish tendencies and they assume that everyone is doing what makes them happy. They suggest stuff, you agree. They feel that is job done. You could disagree or say no but you don't. Instead you agree. You feel that after you've agreed, you should stew, cry, feel terrible, tell tales to their mummy (even though they are adults) and generally passive aggressively act out.

Frankly, you are following DH's lead in a very martyrish way, which makes you identical to every vicar's wife I've ever met. The problem is that you think of them as all very selfish because they are younger/career focused and well put together. Okay, then what's your DH's excuse? He's just as selfish as they are (if not MORE) and you seem to be giving him a pass.

[MargaretCavendish]

As I recall from the previous thread this question - whether or not you'd use family holiday money to go to a sibling's wedding - was the most controversial part, with lots of strong views on both sides. I don't think it's clear cut that it was wrong for him to want to use the money this way - but again, in any case, that was his decision, not his siblings', so he has to take any blame for it.

[justgivemeamo]

BforBuckOff Thu 13-Oct-16 12:40:09

Good post you have summed it up well.
I wonder if something else isnt at play here like op is one of the obedient wives? Submissive wives?

I don't think it's clear cut that it was wrong for him to want to use the money this way

Really, maybe you could look at your dc and say " sorry no holiday this year - mummy is swanning off to HK for a wedding" But I couldn't.
There may be circumstances where perhaps a parents has died - and her dh was like a father and wanted to walk her down the aisle sort of thing but otherwise - NO.

[CookieLady]

Time for you to stop being so accommodating for your husband. It's time to put you and you're kids first.

[MargaretCavendish]

Really, maybe you could look at your dc and say " sorry no holiday this year - mummy is swanning off to HK for a wedding" But I couldn't.

Well, again, I currently don't have children. I looked for that old thread but can't find it - I wonder if it was posted in chat? - but I can promise you there were plenty of people with children who said they'd rather go without a 'proper' family holiday for one year than miss their sibling's wedding.

[Memoires]

Well, I would not go to Wales. It sounds stressful and miserable. Or I would go to Wales if my lot were also staying in the barn. Perhaps another sibling could stay with the parents it's probably someone else's turn to do that.

What I would want to do is stay put, have my family over for Xmas. Maybe visit Wales for one night (at most) keeping it short and sweet for dc so they have positive memories of it rather than memories of boredom and having to behave stultifyingly. Drive down in the morning, stay for one night and leave the next morning. Or leave that evening, not staying the night at all. I have been the child in that situation - it's great, falling asleep in the car and waking up at home - and I've been the parent - exhausting but better than staying overnight. It gets the visit done, and then you can relax back home. Perhaps not so great for dh in this case, but it is a compromise.

As for the wedding, that would piss me off.

[timeisnotaline]

My dh would have gone for a few days not a week and been very sorry that we couldn't all go, and when second wedding came up would say we'll have to see, I've abandoned dw already for you lot so I am not sure we can manage it. I owe her a holiday.
Also, don't go on xmas day.
I'm biased because we turned up in Australia for bils wedding to find out our 6mo was not invited with no family available to babysit, all the friends who know baby are in London, and in any case he was ebf and wouldn't take a bottle .9 months later I am still quietly holding it against them!

[Highlandfling80]

I suppose they may have had an age cut off op. But didn't feel they could invite one of your children and not the others. We are in a similar situation but all the cousins 13 plus are invited. So my 13 year old was invited but my 11 and 4 year old not.

[waybulooisbabycrack]

Could you be any more judgemental B for BackOff?

I am not being passive aggressive. I am peeved because everyone has made plans FOR me and the children, without even consulting me, and if I don't go along then I get cast into the role of the difficult one.

I told MIL because I don't have SIL's number and she actually gets it. Basically if my DH doesn't go & meet up with the siblings over Christmas then muggins here gets a load of emotional blackmail and make to feel unreasonable by both him & his siblings, who want the cosy family Christmas as of yore, drinking, board games, chat etc but without the encumbrance of children.

My MIL actually said that they are all living in the past a bit including my DH and need to accept the reality of kids. She had 4, not so close in age as mine, so gets it.

I am annoyed because siblings haven't factored in my family, that I might have different plans and basically I am the spoilsport. I do actually have a job too, to whichever person said they have their lives together and I don't.

And yeah, the wedding is achingly chi, sorry if that's rude and judgemental but that's the way it comes across with a faux rusty brown and green slice of A5 metal stuck to the fridge and Pinterest boards of utter metal-themed 10 adult bridesmaids doom and a venue for 300 in central London. I get it's her prerogative not to invite children, but it maybe would be nice if my 13 year old could feel a bit grown up and special and go with her cousin whom she really looks up to. It just didn't occur to me not to invite children to our wedding, but I know some people want to make it an adult only thing.

I am not a submissive wife but I think I am being gaslighted by him on occasion because he tries to spin this about me not wanting him to spend time with his family and my being unreasonable, hence the question.

I would just like us to be put first. And the whole wedding situation touched a raw nerve. Just addressing the invite to him, sums up what's going on in a nutshell.

And in terms of being a martyr it's shite to be made to feel like you are ruining everyone's Christmas. Whatever I do will be wrong.

[waybulooisbabycrack]

Point is that I am actually standing up for myself, telling siblings that I am spending Christmas Day at home with the kids and by expressing my feelings, as I did earlier to my BIL, quite strongly, it's all "poor DH", isn't she being difficult, our family Christmas isn't going to be the same, with DH feeling a bit wistful & resentful that I can't be more accommodating and do what he wants with good grace. Which is what some replies here seem to be suggesting.

[auctionnightmare]

Having a fancy wedding in a huge venue with 10 adult bridesmaids and then saying that your children aren't welcome due to the expense (no booze cheaper meal) seems very mean.
Your DH seems lacking on the empathy front where you and your children are concerned.

[LadyPeterWimsey]

Your DH needs to ally himself with you much more firmly - rather than giving the impression that it is you that is the problem. It should be 'waybuloo and I have decided that this suits our family best, and I want to make sure the children have a great Christmas' rather than giving the impression that he would be all for it if he didn't have such a difficult wife. If they think badly of you, it's because he allows it to happen by not taking responsibility for the decisions the two of you make for your family.

I like the sound of your MIL.

[waybulooisbabycrack]

DH is very peeved about the wedding. Re Christmas - it's just because given the choice he'd happily fall in with everyone. So I think they pick up on that.

[LadyPeterWimsey]

They shouldn't be able to pick up on that - he should be utterly loyal to you.

[mickeysminnie]

But why is it so important for him to have the Christmas HE wants but your wants are not considered at all?
If you do choose to go along with these plans that's fine but that is YOUR choice! Your husband gets away with this shit because he makes you feel bad and you buckle.

[mickeysminnie]

Cross post! Stick to your guns. Family dynamics change, his siblings will get used to it!

[Minisoksmakehardwork]

People with no or less children, or older and easier to entertain dc don't understand the angst surrounding days out to families, especially around holiday seasons. As a family of 6, 4 dc, I feel your pain at the thought of the Xmas plans. I would, and do refuse. We have Xmas at home whether dh is working or not - some years his shifts fall on feast days, others we luck in and he doesn't have to work at all. We are happy to have people drop in on us for a drink and mince pie, and to do the same in return. But mass catering or being catered for has been ruled out until the kids are much older. Currently there are age and behavioural issues which make travelling and flexible plans harder to manage when all they want to do is play and chill out.

Re the save the date, I don't think sil is wholly unreasonable as it is just a magnet reminder. But I'd get dh to check now it's been received with the very valid reason that you need to know who will be invited ie him, just adults or all of you so you can make plans. If those plans mean not going, so be it.