SIL sent save date card only addressed to DH

[waybulooisbabycrack]

Post arrived this morning, including an envelope with what looked like a card addressed to DH. (He has no problem with me opening & sorting through the post, I have no problem with him opening my stuff either, no secrets).

It's a very posh A5 metallic save the date, fridge magnet from soon to be SIL who is having a swanky stylish very chi wedding in London next year.

AIBU to feel a bit miffed that she didn't address it to both of us, and only her brother.

It's probably an oversight, she is 11 years younger than him, but I do feel a bit hurt because his siblings have a habit of making plans for family get togethers and not including me, because we have 5 children and it's not always easy for me to get a sitter & go.

It comes after a phone call from his brother, trying to organise our Christmas and put pressure on us to go to his house over an hours drive away on Christmas Day. DH has 3 siblings, only 1 of whom has a (14 year old) child from an ex. In making all these Christmas plans they have just expected DH to go along with what they are doing and DH is happy too and thinks I am weird for thinking it's selfish and thoughtless for his siblings & their partners to impose a schedule on us.

So the timing/wording of the card rubs salt into the wound.

AIBU to feel hurt by it only being addressed to her brother? Should I drop a hint to MIL who would not be impressed at the thoughtlessness.

[Hippee]

Waybaloo - I'm guessing that your husband is Father Christmas.

[FlamingoSnuffle]

Re the Christmas thing, we used to drive over 2 hours to spend time with family for Christmas day and drive back the same day. And intially with one child. Now we do it with 2 children but it is an hour away.

I think you should "muck in" more. My sister used to host birthday parties for her son in her 2 up 2 down terrace with at least 15 children plus all the parents (friends or relatives) all staying. It was madness but also lovely, friendly, and most importantly, welcoming.

My children are now 13 and 10 but they know that we do Christmas morning at home, then visit my sister and my family all at my sister's house for Christmas lunch, (much bigger house than my Dad's so we can all fit) then open presents.

We travel on to my ILs where we have a buffet dinner and open presents. Then we drive home in the dark. When the children were younger they would get changed into their pyjamas for the journey home.

My children play with the presents they are given by the family of the house we are in. Or take some with you.

Re the save the date, maybe they are used to you saying no.

[MrsGwyn]

Ring and ask SIL are you invited are the children.

But Christmas I'd put my foot down. I've had to do it with my IL - children are not accessories to be ferried round the country when weather is bad and expect to perform and behave for other people special Christmases.

I'd be firm with DH and with his family it's not happening - but if they really are welcome say they can come to you.

If DH has something on they could attend Christmas day and he wants them there - do a strong suggestion of that and put the ball back in their court.

Same for trip to IL - make plans that suit you or go another time.

Made me unpopular with IL - they got over it and we have many fewer problems since plus we get Christmas we want - at least for now.

[waybulooisbabycrack]

Hippee - like Raymond Briggs?! Blooming Christmas.

If he was, we wouldn't have any children. Long white beard. Shudders.

[justgivemeamo]

Sorry that your dh wants to join in but unfortunately he is not a free agent to run off and enjoy shin digs all the time with his other family

and leave his wife at home.

re the invite just get HIM to ask her. cancel all xmas plans with them and say this year you will be staying at home, you simply cant do it

[mouldycheesefan]

If it's just the envelope addressed to your dh you are making a massive hoo ha about nothing. No need to list every person on the envelope. Don't be silly.

[justgivemeamo]

children are not accessories to be ferried round the country when weather is bad and expect to perform and behave for other people special Christmases

what a joy to read those words, re in laws even had the cheek to say they missed our jolly dc at xmas nothing to my dh about missing him!

[justgivemeamo]

Yes mouldy in a normal situation but not in ops /

[MrsHam13]

The invite will be for all of you. Just easier to write her brothers name only on envelope.

Christmas day I don't see the need for you to spend with the siblings an hour away after your dh has worked, meaning you can't have a drink when you will spend boxing day with them. Christmas day your dad can come to yours to celebrate his birthday a day early.

Stay at the in laws it's only one night without modcons (do you mean tv and internet by that) then go home the 27th.

[MorrisZapp]

If you have five kids then inevitably there will be occasions when one of you stays home while the other socialises.

If the event involves his family, then the stay home person would be you, surely? I don't see the pink pinny part of it.

[waybulooisbabycrack]

No mod cons, means no shower and only one bathroom including loo. No hot water on demand either and making sure that you clear with everyone else that it's fine for you to have a bath at x time, making sure no-one will need the loo at that time and being parsimonious with the water.

It also means 1 TV situated in the tiny living room which everyone is in all the time so it's not practicable or allowed for the kids to quietly watch a DVD, an outside area which the children aren't allowed in due to it being farmland with dewponds, animal troughs, cowpats, wells and rusted machinery & equipment and tractors who previously reversed over FIL's dog.

We are supposed to be staying there for 3-5 days post Christmas. Children are supposed to amuse themselves tidily & quietly with lego & board games and not help themselves or pester for Christmas choc, which must only be eaten sitting nicely at the table.

But all the millennial siblings will be off in some nice rented barn somewhere & coming to pay us visits for meals.

And no, not once in their planning have they factored in that I might actually want to see my parents or siblings too. And DH just wants to collapse in peace while being looked after and having a nice time with the family who he doesn't get to see that often.

All understandable but grrr. Plus I know the wedding talk is going to get on my wick. Alcohol is the only answer.

[MrsGwyn]

what a joy to read those words, re in laws even had the cheek to say they missed our jolly dc at xmas shock nothing to my dh about missing him!

I'm not a complete cow - we do travel up at Easter and summer to them - the weather better and the trains run - and we aren't all in a much smaller than used to house as weather is too awful to go out and having to lug loads of presents both ways as well as everything else or facing a hotel in middle of nowhere expected to get where we are summoned when transport is not working.

We do go round and GC get shown off - but again they can go in gardens or playgrounds or pub gardens so don't have to sit and be quiet plus they aren't all super hyped up about Christmas.

[Eminado]

Where is your DH in all this? Why does he agree to things that don't suit his immediate family unit?

[NothingMoreThanFelines]

Crikey - like so many threads on AIBU, this could be resolved swiftly by just asking. The name on the envelope may well have been an oversight - but you won't know unless you or your DH actually ask.

The Christmas Day summons sounds well-meaning but thoughtless. Your DH needs to explain in no uncertain terms why it isn't going to fly, and suggest a compromise where you all get together some other day over the festive season.

Why aren't you on the sibling WhatsApp group if the other spouses are? I'd be asking my DH to add me (assuming you want to get involved - WhatsApp is a blessing and a curse, IME...)

[LadyPeterWimsey]

I'm a firm believer in compromising at Christmas but it sounds like all the compromise is on your part. If your DH has five children then he needs to accept he won't be able to relax at his parents, without it being horrible for you. It sounds like a miserable holiday for all of you, tbh.

There's no way my DH would agree to that, because the children wouldn't have fun, and therefore we wouldn't have fun. Ok for an afternoon, or a day, but not for 3 to 5 days. Do you know any Welsh clergy? Could you houseswap with someone closer to your IL after Christmas and just go and see your IL for the odd afternoon?

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

Don't be a martyr for the sake of the bloke op

[ThatStewie]

Say no to Christmas Day and the Boxing Day stuff.
But you need to have these conversations with your DH. He needs to understand that your family is equally important as his and that unilaterally acquiescing to plans that result in you stuck trying to entertain 5 kids in a crappy place with little to do or nowhere safe to play outside is not fair. It's not fair on you. It's not fair on the kids. But your DH needs to understand this.

[BaggyCheeks]

As someone who falls into the millennial age bracket (barf), I'd say that the sibling thing isn't so much their age as them being selfish and a bit knobbish. The Save the date thing would be easy enough to dismiss without the rest of their behaviour, but all combined YANBU.

I wouldn't be going to the proposed In Law Fest over Christmas, as you've described it. It sounds massively unfair on you, your DC and your DH. Does he often get pressured into things by his siblings, who, it sounds like, fail to understand that he isn't just their brother any more? I'd speak to your DH honestly about it - including how you feel about seeing your own family - and get that expectation changed.

[averythinline]

I'm not sure why you dont just say No to Christmas - there is a well worn MN phrase 'sorry that doesn't work for us'
Same with the wedding DH needs to get clarity....and then you both decide...

you are a grown up women with 5 kids you must be an amazing manager of stuff and things ...why are you being such a martyr/doormat - I'm wondering what sort of behavioural message you're giving your children - daughters especially, that their needs and wants come after everyone elses...as they are mums ?- hello welcome to the 21st century....
.
sorry if sounds harsh but my mum was a martyr and I still have to fight the tendency in myself -it is not a good role...please teach your children to be assertive....

[waybulooisbabycrack]

DH gets all that. He gets that the proposed Christmas Day isn't very practical or fair on anyone.

He would have liked the family get together on Boxing Day, but they are all traveling down to Wales then.

He loves his family & believes that Christmas is about spending time with them. It's understandable, as is the fact he wants to see his parents who are not getting any younger.

It's just never easy on the children or myself going there (though they love their GPS dearly, they just get bored and the whole experience is less than relaxing for me) and I am a bit sad that coming to us appears to be out of the question. We could easily accommodate all the siblings for dinner etc, they could probably all kip in the adjoining hall. I like his siblings TBF, it's just that they are hip, busy childless metropolitan professionals wanting everything on their terms.

Then the Save the Date card comes with just his name on the envelope

[averythinline]

Well if he's offered them all to stay and your and they've said no - that's their choice....it sounds miserable for the children and you ... why does he think his children and you should have a crap Christmas...
why cant you rent your own place in Wales and go down after you've seen your family??? where are they in all this lovely family xmas dh family have planned???

[MrsGwyn]

It's just never easy on the children or myself going there (though they love their GPS dearly, they just get bored and the whole experience is less than relaxing for me) and I am a bit sad that coming to us appears to be out of the question. We could easily accommodate all the siblings for dinner etc,

Why can't you go for a shorter stay when the weather is better - your DH can see them at a less busy time of year - try and see it as a bit more of a negotiation - try and think of a way it works for you.

Go down later after seeing your relative on their birthday - go for less time - is there any thing in local area to visit to break it up a bit? Book a meal go to a local pub to get out the house a bit. Buy a dvd player so kids can watch in a bed room?

[ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout]

Why don't you text her and say, Hi SIL, we got your save the date card this morning. It looks amazing/cool/so stylish! Is it a small soirée with just DH invited, or are we all to come (the card didn't say).

Put the ball in her court and let her clarify rather than worry over it.

[defineme]

If I was in your situation, I would politely decline xmas day on the too far not enough time or room excuse. I would go to ilaws but 3 days would be ample i would take my mini dvd player that only comes out for holidays. I would also factor in time to see my parents but I would do the wales thing if siblings are coming from abroad. If funds are not an issue then i would rent a cottage in wales as near as poss to other siblings and explain you wanted to treat yourselves. I think just husbands name is pretty normal id careless but you do need to check if you are all invited as it might be child free. You do sound a little unreasonable. ..why should allowances be made for your circumstances, having children doesn't make you most important or anything.