SIL sent save date card only addressed to DH

[waybulooisbabycrack]

Post arrived this morning, including an envelope with what looked like a card addressed to DH. (He has no problem with me opening & sorting through the post, I have no problem with him opening my stuff either, no secrets).

It's a very posh A5 metallic save the date, fridge magnet from soon to be SIL who is having a swanky stylish very chi wedding in London next year.

AIBU to feel a bit miffed that she didn't address it to both of us, and only her brother.

It's probably an oversight, she is 11 years younger than him, but I do feel a bit hurt because his siblings have a habit of making plans for family get togethers and not including me, because we have 5 children and it's not always easy for me to get a sitter & go.

It comes after a phone call from his brother, trying to organise our Christmas and put pressure on us to go to his house over an hours drive away on Christmas Day. DH has 3 siblings, only 1 of whom has a (14 year old) child from an ex. In making all these Christmas plans they have just expected DH to go along with what they are doing and DH is happy too and thinks I am weird for thinking it's selfish and thoughtless for his siblings & their partners to impose a schedule on us.

So the timing/wording of the card rubs salt into the wound.

AIBU to feel hurt by it only being addressed to her brother? Should I drop a hint to MIL who would not be impressed at the thoughtlessness.

[MargaretCavendish]

Ah, I remember that thread! It sounds like you're blaming his siblings for things that are much more about your husband, though? Also, I do think that the fact that one of these siblings is visiting from Hong Kong is highly relevant - it is quite normal to prioritise family members who aren't around much. I don't think it's any sort of rule that those with children host - it's not how we've ever done it in my family.

[justgivemeamo]

DH sometimes makes me think I am being unreasonable & overtly angry.

so he doesnt rate your feelings or feel they are valid and you let him.

you not him are in the driving seat of your life. I know this is easier said than done and I know this as we have had same issues.

I am also dreading xmas - guilt trips little old grannies expecting to see great grandchildren.

I know this.

But you have done MORE THAN ENOUGH. its not fair and it sounds like your DH is having a high old time. I would also like to point out - its easier for them to leave you out - you are the odd one out.Its easier to leave you out...push you out and concentrate on themselves. I have seen this with larger families, they want the old growing up gang..free of annoying people like you.

On the other hand I have also seen globe trotting cousins - with many dc - being accommodated and invited to weddings no problem.
I think you need to tell your DH you do not feel welcome by his family and you will not spend your entire life sat at home while he sees his family, you are more than happy to go but THEY are not making that possible.

and you are not going for xmas. You just need to say NO.

[HereIAm20]

Definitely stand your ground. Family Christmas is what is best for YOUR FAMILY ie. you and your kids.

As regards the wedding so far it is a save the date - try not to over think it at this stage but when the actual invite comes make your actual decision then based on what YOU want to do but be prepared that your DH may want to go on his own (as per the HK wedding) if you are unable to find someone to mind your kids.

I have become a lot more at peace with myself when I make decisions based on what I actually want regarding my DH's family than what I think is expected.

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

You actually might be my SIL. If you are, sorry, I just forgot to add your name. You never talk to me so it's easily done.

[justgivemeamo]

I know I will have to stomach it, it's not about having the casting vote, but being included & consulted rather than presented with plans


no op you dont have to stomach anything! for goodness sake, and it sounds cruel to put your children through this so dh can have more fun.

tell him you and hte dc will stay at home over xmas, thanks - but your not putting them through what you described.

[MargaretCavendish]

Family Christmas is what is best for YOUR FAMILY ie. you and your kids.

And that's fine, but you can't see it like that and expect other people to plan around you.

[MargaretCavendish]

Also, when he said before that you could have gone to HK if you'd wanted to (which was nonsense) - do you think he told his siblings that without explaining the full logistics of what that would have entailed?

[waybulooisbabycrack]

Olivia Benson - my SIL never gave me her number and hasn't included me or DH in their WhatsApp group.

Glad you think it's all so hilarious though.

[justgivemeamo]

Op how would you feel about simply saying to your DH " I have had enough being involved in all of this or rather not involved make me feel miserable, so myself and the kids will be doing our own thing this xmas, I am happy for you to go to your barn parents - whatever"???

and do your own thing, be happy with your dc, see your own family etc?

[waybulooisbabycrack]

Yes Margaret, I think he probably did. He thinks of my decision not to go as a personal choice. We could have apparently scraped together the money for air fare, taken the toddler and left the other 4 behind. Including one who is August born not good at separating & was starting school just a few weeks later.

So siblings think I am miserable & unreasonable & why shouldn't their brother go and have a lovely time without me.

[waybulooisbabycrack]

If I did my own thing, it would be presented to me that I was being unreasonable and I would feel defensive and upset & made out to be histrionic.

So I'll go, but I may just tell them all to their faces that their behaviour is thoughtless.

[MargaretCavendish]

Oh, waybuloo that's awful . It is entirely your husband's fault, though. I think it might explain the save the date - if I thought my brother's wife 'couldn't be bothered' to go to our sibling's wedding then I might think that I 'couldn't be bothered' to arrange my wedding in a way that makes it easy for her. I know that's mean and as I said I really think it's your husband's fault.

[justgivemeamo]

If I did my own thing, it would be presented to me that I was being unreasonable and I would feel defensive and upset & made out to be histrionic

So????

Who cares?

You will be at home with your dc having a lovely xmas...he is off where he wants to be - with his family!

You think they are going to be fond of you - going and telling them to their faces?
How lovely for your dc why dont you or he think of whats best for them???

[MargaretCavendish]

So I'll go, but I may just tell them all to their faces that their behaviour is thoughtless.

I absolutely understand why you feel like this today - but this idea (which I think you'll go off in time anyway) is a bad one. You won't come out of it well and that will make you feel all the worse.

[justgivemeamo]

margret do you really think no one not even mil could pipe up and put ops case forward?

Not a single soul to say " hang on - she has x kids, a toddler - x is abut to start school...."

wow.

they care even less then dont they!!! does mil just sit silently whilst all this is being discussed??????

[justgivemeamo]

I don't understand op why you feel having xmas alone will make you
defensive and upset but your happy to take flack for facing them down at xmas?

what do your parents do - why cant you involve your own and forget dh family>?

[waybulooisbabycrack]

DH will say that it's not fair on DC to have their parents in 2 different places and will point out that they normally quite enjoy Wales despite everything.

It won't be fair on his parents or family who want to see the children, so maybe he'll take them on his own if I steadfastly refuse. Then I can stay home, watch Telly & tidy up, but I think not going will cause huge resentment.

I just need to suck it up.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

OP - I'll come back to this later but we have a very similar dynamic with DH's family and have 3 DCs age 3 and under. SIL just got married and it was an identical situation. All very difficult. I've made some headway with DH on this though after a ridiculous stag and hen do for 5 days abroad where I was left at home with the DCs. We were also meant to abandon the DCs somewhere and go to the wedding 3 hours away in the middle of nowhere. Baby is 10 months old and had nearly died of sepsis but apparently it would be much more "relaxing" for me to leave her and go to the wedding where there is hardly any mobile phone signal .

I'llcomr back when I have more time later but just wanted to give you my support

[waybulooisbabycrack]

MIL just told me she thinks they are all being completely thoughtless. Not unkind but thoughtless and that they should know how I feel. She thinks their behaviour in organising Christmas and leaving me off Save the Date card, not inviting kids, is awful.

MIL is a good egg.

[MargaretCavendish]

Well, if the father of the kids was telling me it would have been viable for his wife to come but she chose not to I probably wouldn't have thought too deeply about whether or not this was true.

[S1lentAllTheseYears]

Sounds grim OP. I'd be putting my foot down but it sounds like you are going to go.

Can't you rent your own barn/cottage? And don't travel till boxing day. I might be doing similar - my parents love us to visit but we are now four adults and one late teen and, with the best will in the world, we just don't all fit in their house (two bedrooms, one bathroom complete with the dribbliest shower in living history one extra loo) especially if my sister and her dog come too! I love them all dearly but the maths doesn't work!!

Say you don't want to put pils out as it's a bit full on with seven of you but you'd love to see them in small doses !

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Sorry OP, was a bad joke. I can see this is really hurtful for you and I hope you and DH can find a way to resolve it.

[ohfourfoxache]

Your MIL sounds lovely

If you do go for Christmas, if nothing else then let if be for her benefit, no one else's. If you try to think about it like that then it might help get you through.

[EenyMeenyMo]

Family christmasses are a nightmare once siblings are married and live in different places with different commitments - I always feel that we are included as an afterthought in plans as we have the least number of children and are seen as easy to move around - despite the fact that we have elderly inlaws to accommodate and the rest of my family suit themselves. Pre children I always just travelled where i was told.

Some of it seems unavoidable- what could they have done about the Hong Kong wedding if this is where your SIL lives (rather than a trip just to have a wedding) I assume other people lived there? if you have 5 children some trips are going to be more difficult than with no children.
Boxing day/wales trip- they may have thought it was easier for you to stay in in laws and maybe cheaper for everyone not to hire bigger barn? - can you change it now? suggest everyone stay near you in a barn? what would you actually want to do?

[Waltermittythesequel]

People treat you how you allow them to treat you.

You're going to ruin your dc's Christmas Day then the rest of their break by squeezing them into a house they can't move in.

Why?

For the sake of people who clearly don't like you, and aren't bothered about you being there or not.

Your husband sounds like a selfish twat.