SIL sent save date card only addressed to DH

[waybulooisbabycrack]

Post arrived this morning, including an envelope with what looked like a card addressed to DH. (He has no problem with me opening & sorting through the post, I have no problem with him opening my stuff either, no secrets).

It's a very posh A5 metallic save the date, fridge magnet from soon to be SIL who is having a swanky stylish very chi wedding in London next year.

AIBU to feel a bit miffed that she didn't address it to both of us, and only her brother.

It's probably an oversight, she is 11 years younger than him, but I do feel a bit hurt because his siblings have a habit of making plans for family get togethers and not including me, because we have 5 children and it's not always easy for me to get a sitter & go.

It comes after a phone call from his brother, trying to organise our Christmas and put pressure on us to go to his house over an hours drive away on Christmas Day. DH has 3 siblings, only 1 of whom has a (14 year old) child from an ex. In making all these Christmas plans they have just expected DH to go along with what they are doing and DH is happy too and thinks I am weird for thinking it's selfish and thoughtless for his siblings & their partners to impose a schedule on us.

So the timing/wording of the card rubs salt into the wound.

AIBU to feel hurt by it only being addressed to her brother? Should I drop a hint to MIL who would not be impressed at the thoughtlessness.

[Jaxhog]

SIL's invite probably a thoughtless oversight. But just in case, ask DH to check. Use the excuse of having to arrange babysitters, pet sitters, hotel etc. etc.

Christmas is easy. Don't go if you don't like it.

But it does sound like they're doing their best to find a reasonable way for everyone . When my parents lived in a small flat, we used visit family on Christmas day, and sometimes we'd stay in a hotel as there isn't enough room for us AND everyone else's kids. I was hurt the first time they suggested it, but it did make more sense for all the little kiddies to stay together. It's pretty expensive to rent somewhere nearby too. But worth it to have a full family christmas. (Fortunately, my mum now lives in a house near my brothers, where we can just about all squeeze in). I was very glad we did it, as we probably wouldn't still get invited if we hadn't.

[JustMarriedBecca]

She's addressed it according to Debrettes. It's not a slight, it's her being chi chi London!

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

I would feel offended. It's a pointed omission isn't it? You're his wife, not some girlfriend he's had five minutes and might not be around in the near future.

I think they think the Save the Date means the guestlist isn't confirmed but the reality is that most people don't want to save the date for something they're not actually going to end up being invited to. How fucking rude.

[LadyPeterWimsey]

They will never get it. (They probably think he only works half a day a week, anyway.)

You would absolutely not be unreasonable to tell them to do one you can't make it, and stay at home and let your DC have a lovely Christmas Day with their no doubt tired father, and the two of you have a drink. Or two.

Not that that was your AIBU, but I am feeling irritated about your Christmas Day on your behalf!

[Dontpanicpyke]

Bit confused op. Save the date is just that and no invites are sent.

As for Christmas if you don't fancy it don't go.

I always wonder about invite angst. Weddings etc! If you don't want to go don't go.

[tinkerella1]

SIL probably doesn't realise what she's done.
Leave it a day or so then phone her and ask if the kids are invited - that way you'll find out if you are too. Just tell her you'd need to organise childcare and its handy she sent the save the date!

To the BIL just point out how hard it is to move 5 kids across town on Christmas day - particularly after their Dad has been working all morning. Logistically its tough. Added to that Christmas is really for kids isn't it? A real family Christmas is a house full of kids not toy less flat. Ask if he will compromise and go to yours on Christmas Day? They probably only want to stay at home because neither of them wants to argue over who won't be drinking because they have to drive.... Leaves you to go with their plan on Boxing Day. Present it as a compromise! If they won't budge have Christmas at home and Skype them!

[redmimi]

Do you mean your name wasn't on the envelope, or that you're not invited to the wedding?

[waybulooisbabycrack]

DH says he is wishing for lots of children for her so she gets an insight into what it's like.

It's a sore topic because there has already been a sibling wedding this year which I couldn't go to because it was abroad. So it feels as though it's all of the siblings and spouses cosying up together (they apparently have a WhatsApp group) with muggins here left out because her job is to stay home with a floral pinny on & look after the kids.

Meh. Whoever said she doesn't like me is probably right. Oh well.

[mangocoveredlamb]

Actually according to Debretts invitations should be addressed (on the envelope) to the lady of the house only, so she's got that wrong for starters.

Can you decline Christmas Day OP in the grounds of work, and then just do the Boxing Day thing? Maybe staying in a hotel or an Airbnb or similar?

[Croucher]

I had the same thing happen to me a few years ago. It was a free bar at the wedding so I just filled my boots and soon forgot about it!

[waybulooisbabycrack]

To clarify what the siblings have decided is to all get together at BIL's flat other side of London. They wanted us to drive there & back.

Then on Boxing Day (my dad's birthday) they want to drive to the parents in law in Wales, where they will be hiring a cottage nearby to leave the ILS house free for us. Which is both meant well & a bit meh due to ILS house not having mod cons. Probably suits them to have hot showers & privacy.

DH is being pressured by bossy older brother to commit. He understandably wants to see his family at Christmas and is happy to fit in.

I just feel like myself and DC are the afterthought. Then the Save the Date arrives in his name only and it rubs salt in the wound. Probably without the context I'd not feel so upset.

[SuburbanCrofter]

Slightly off-topic, but I'm trying to picture an A5 metallic save-the-date fridge magnet??

[winefairyagain]

I'd presume the save the date meant you all as a family but surely it can be clarified easily by a phone call? And not to the MIL.

I also think the Christmas invitation was meant with good will. An idea to all get together for Christmas which originated while your BIL was hosting your SIL and included the other siblings and all their family probably seemed to them like a nice gesture. And a generous offer considering BIL lives in 'a small, rented, 2 bed flat' no idea why you felt it necessary to include the word rented here

[M0nstersinthecl0set]

^^ me too. None of my mental images can conjure up one I would consider swanky or posh.
It sounds oversized. I guess they're going for obvious. Do you need to scale a hat to match

[LadyPeterWimsey]

It's tricky because there are two different lifestyles going on here (weddings abroad, small families, jobs with standard working hours vs (I guess) not as much money, lots of children, unusual and misunderstood job, which is a lifestyle all of its own). You may also have very different views of what life is all about, and so it is inevitable that you feel like you don't fit in with his siblings. So all this save-the-date stupidity is just the icing on the cake.

The fact that your DH doesn't seem to feel it as much as you makes it harder, particularly if as the younger brother he is just used to going along with their plans. I think he should prioritise his children on Christmas Day, tbh, and say, we're seeing you tomorrow anyway - although we would love to have you at our house if you'll come which they won't because they won't be able to drink.

[LadyPeterWimsey]

winefairyagain I'm sure it was meant as a nice gesture but it fails to understand what the OPs situation is, so at the very least it shows a lack of empathy.

[M0nstersinthecl0set]

And stuff them. If you're not invited/ don't want the hassle - DON'T GO. If you want to spend more time with this group then invite them to stuff that is dc friendly. If they turn you down then there's a clear message - get on with planning fun for you and dcs.

[waybulooisbabycrack]

Loving Croucher.

It's like a thin sheet of A5 metal. With a brown and green splotchy background. Like rust. All very chi. She works in fashion so everything is achingly on trend. I can see why she probably won't be wanting children at the wedding. But this thread has made me realise that if nothing else I need to clarify whether it's a child-free bash.

[AlpacaPicnic]

This happens to me occasionally - despite being the only 'official' spouse (by which I mean I'm the only one married into the family, the other two practical-DIL are engaged but not married yet) I'm left out of all sorts of 'family' occasions. They seem to be arranged when I'm working or otherwise difficult to ge to...
My tactic now is to let DH respond to invitations that are addressed to him only. DH couldn't find his way out of a dead-end tunnel with a map and a torch so you can imagine how much responding happens... I take part in zero planning, zero shopping, zero replying to invitations unless I'm named.

[waybulooisbabycrack]

Rented means I am paranoid about the kids doing any accidental damage with toy cars & the like, that's all.

[BingBongBingBong]

With regards to the save the date I wouldn't give that much thought. It's not actually an invitation so maybe she felt it was easier just to put her brother's name on the envelope. So don't worry about that.

With regards to Christmas I totally get where you're coming from.

[CaroleService]

Maybe it was addressed to him because she's hoping he'll officiate ...

[Aderyn2016]

Like most things on mn, this is a dh issue. He needs to not agree plans without discussing it with you first. Where do your parents come into this family Christmas? Does your dh not think that perhaps you'd like to see your own dad on his birthday? If he is blithely making plans without consulting you, then it is he who is giving his family the impression that yoy are the little woman whose job it is to stay behind with the kids or fall in line. Fix that and the rest will sort itself.

[LetsJunglyJumpToIt]

I agree it seems a bit strange to only put DH's name on the envelope. But it's only a save the date, not an invitation.