SIL sent save date card only addressed to DH

[waybulooisbabycrack]

Post arrived this morning, including an envelope with what looked like a card addressed to DH. (He has no problem with me opening & sorting through the post, I have no problem with him opening my stuff either, no secrets).

It's a very posh A5 metallic save the date, fridge magnet from soon to be SIL who is having a swanky stylish very chi wedding in London next year.

AIBU to feel a bit miffed that she didn't address it to both of us, and only her brother.

It's probably an oversight, she is 11 years younger than him, but I do feel a bit hurt because his siblings have a habit of making plans for family get togethers and not including me, because we have 5 children and it's not always easy for me to get a sitter & go.

It comes after a phone call from his brother, trying to organise our Christmas and put pressure on us to go to his house over an hours drive away on Christmas Day. DH has 3 siblings, only 1 of whom has a (14 year old) child from an ex. In making all these Christmas plans they have just expected DH to go along with what they are doing and DH is happy too and thinks I am weird for thinking it's selfish and thoughtless for his siblings & their partners to impose a schedule on us.

So the timing/wording of the card rubs salt into the wound.

AIBU to feel hurt by it only being addressed to her brother? Should I drop a hint to MIL who would not be impressed at the thoughtlessness.

[Onthecouchagain]

Don't back down you're completely in the right!

[midnightlurker]

What about your family? When are you seeing them? Could you have your family over on Christmas day, then do in-laws on boxing day? Once we had kids we told our parents that Christmas was about the children and we would do what was best for them. They were not happy at first but have got used to it!!

[RestlessTraveller]

I do feel sorry for you that your husband can be an arse where his family is concerned, but this....

"And yeah, the wedding is achingly chi, sorry if that's rude and judgemental but that's the way it comes across with a faux rusty brown and green slice of A5 metal stuck to the fridge and Pinterest boards of utter metal-themed 10 adult bridesmaids doom and a venue for 300 in central London"

I wouldn't want you at my wedding either!

[ParForTheCourses]

It's your dh who is the problem op. His siblings are thoughtless and selfish yes but ultimately he should be doing what's best for you and your family. Which he isn't by getting his own way all the time.

He wants Christmas his way with his wife and kids pushed to the background. More fool him since you are already resentful. If the other sibs have dc at some time you can guarantee that they will do what's best for them.

Your dh is weak. It's time you did what you want at Christmas rather then defer to his every want. So what if his siblings are pa, it's him that should point out 'actually this is best for my family' not happily let you take the crap.

This rubbish is just an extension of the dating Bollocks some women get when they are accused of not letting their oh out when actually it's their oh not wanting to go and often the women still going out and having fun!

All you can do op is:
Suck it up until the other siblings stop doing it. Leading to resentment and marriage issues because his priority is obvious.
Take a stand. Tell your dh he's had many a Christmas Dhis way and this Christmas is at home and/or seeing your family. Ignoring the siblings and cutting them off if they try guilting. If he doesn't want the dc away from both patents he knows what he has to do

Either way your husband needs to step up and think on why he gets to dictate and why he won't ever compromise and let his family have a nice chilled Xmas.

[Leeds2]

If you have been to DH's family last year, or even for the past few years, I wouldn't hesitate to say that this year I was staying at home with the DC. Up to your OH if he stays at home too.

Re the wedding, I don't think SIL is being unreasonable to not invite your DC if she is having a child free wedding. Does seem a little mean not to invite your 13 year old when her 15 year old cousin is going, but maybe they have a firm age limit which they don't want to deviate from as it will cause issues with other guests. Maybe too SIL thought it would be mean to invite only one child out of your four.

[BforBuckOff]

I'm sorry but you are still refusing to accept that your DH IS THE ONE WHO IS WRONG. You are pushing the blame onto his siblings but he doesn't put you first and gaslights you.

Why would his siblings really understand what it means to have 5 kids? Most childless people don't. BUT HE CHOSE TO HAVE FIVE CHILDREN WITH YOU. He doesn't get to "live in the past" and be wistful and resentful about it. Unless you drugged him and stole his sperm, you both chose a lifestyle where you'd be bogged down and constrained by 5 kids.

It's utterly pathetic and disrespectful of him to have chosen to have 5 kids and then to refuse to put them first. Open your eyes: he is selfish and childish... just like his siblings.

[BforBuckOff]

ParForTheCourses

Agree completely.

[AvocadoFlapjack]

If your DH had your back and put you and your DC first then you wouldn't have an issue with the siblings making you out to be the party pooper.

I know you don't want hear it but it's your DH who's the problem, not them.

[ParForTheCourses]

BforBuckOff sadly I saw this play out within part of my own family. Unsurprisingly the husband and wife's relationship is now in tatters because she wouldn't believe it was him and he wouldn't comptomise. They aren't divorced but there's real anger and toxicity there now.

They think they were staying together for children... they weren't. They used the children growing up as an excuse- her to resentfully accept it and him to do what he wanted. Too little too late now. They are both unhappy, almost all the kids are gone and the kids ( now adults) hate the dynamic and the way their dad bulldozed and mum let him.

I'd hate to see it happen to anyone else. Mum should have put her foot down at least once to try to highlight the dad was selfish. Not just gone along resentfully after words which meant nothing. At least then she'd have known for certain that we were never coming first (above these people) and could have been informed and possibly made different decisions.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Ask him why his children's childhood memories of Christmas should take second place to him recreating his childhood. When do his children get to have a family Christmas in their own home?

Also don't you want to see your parents over Christmas? What about your side of the family?

[rollonthesummer]

Your DH is being horribly thoughtless and very selfish.

[CookieLady]

He's incredibly selfish. Ha slighting you is disgraceful. Stand firm and don't alter your plans for Christmas Day.

[CookieLady]

*Him not ha

[waybulooisbabycrack]

I do want to see my family over Christmas. And I do see that DH is the problem.

Btw SIL who doesn't want my children there was one of my adult bridesmaids.

I am sure she is so justified in not wanting me Restless Traveller. Thanks.

[waybulooisbabycrack]

And I bet anyone who has ever been invited to a wedding has made some sort of judgement as to what kind of 'do' it is. All I am doing.

Fact is that it is achingly chi. SIL once said that she would never go out with or marry a man who didn't dress on trend. Men need to be fashionable and so does she. That's what is important to her and it's her job.

She tells off her DF for his dress sense. He's 75!

She told us she thought we didn't put enough effort or thought into our wedding. Probably right. We pitched up, then walked everyone down the street to a local restaurant and had a very loose seating plan with no theme. We liked it though.

[ParForTheCourses]

So if you see your dh is the problem waybulooisbabycrack, what are you going to do? For Christmas and in the long term?

[justgivemeamo]

and if I don't go along then I get cast into the role of the difficult one

You have made a reference to how you will worry about being perceived if you do ANYTHING AT ALL your way this xmas.

You need to stop worrying about what other people think of you.

Just imagine your dc - when older " mum we hated xmas - we sensed our aunts and uncles couldn't be arsed with us - we hated being made to sit round in silence playing board games"
You say " sorry I did THINK about having xmas at home but I worried too much about what OTHER PEOPLE MAY THINK OF ME" SORRY that was more important than making your xmas brilliant - and your dad was more worried about himself too and having Christmas of YORE.


I am actually standing up for myself, telling siblings that I am spending Christmas Day at home with the kids and by expressing my feelings, as I did earlier to my BI I am confused - are you or not falling in with a pre planned xmas.

Op I am sorry to sound blunt and I am pleased you are not bound to your DH in some strange - submissive wife way. But you really need to stop worrying about being the trouble maker - the akward one, the one who wont fall in.

[justgivemeamo]

And in terms of being a martyr it's shite to be made to feel like you are ruining everyone's Christmas

They dont give one shite about your xmas or your children.


And in some respects why should they? Your asking quite a lot of them.

Its up to you to make your own case heard, and you can do this by simply asserting yourself but your too worried about how they will view you. They already see you as an irritating encumbrance.
Simply say to your DH - I do not want to spend xmas with your family, there will be no more discussion, the children will live seeing YOU after xmas and your own mother agrees with me that your neglecting us.

Do what you want - I am not standing in your way to spoil your fun but I am staying at home to give our dc a christmas they deserve.

[justgivemeamo]

Parforthecourse and Bforbuckup have written some good posts op.


I feel for you- I have been in a very similar situation as have many on MN who dread xmas for all sorts of horrid family reasons.

You are defensive and I dont blame you - but I would take a moment and think about what those two posters have said - they are not being horrible. You need to accept it sounds like your DH is not going to put you or the dc first. You have to accept this and either decide to start taking the driving seat of your own life and getting more out from it - or you suck it ALL UP and accept everything thrown at you - as Par said otherwise you will get more ad more bitter as more instances of flying off - leaving the family without a holiday - and shit xmasses mount up.

[ChangedMyMind]

TBH I'd be really hurt if my DH didn't prioritise his own DC at Christmas especially after he had a week long family holiday without them in the last year...

You really do have a DH problem tbh and it's really sad - he can't have everything wants because he has 5 DC, his wants needs to come 2nd/3rd/4th sometimes!

I would be tempted to let DH take most of the DC to Wales and you visit your parents etc.

[ThatStewie]

As others have said, the problem here is your DH who doesn't sound a great husband or father. Gaslighting is emotional abuse. Refusing to acknowledge your feelings is shitty behaviour. Prioritising his idea of a perfect Christmas over one in which his children have a lovely time is selfish.

His siblings might be selfish knobheads too but the real problem here is your DH.

[waybulooisbabycrack]

I've told DH that we are not going anywhere on Xmas Day.

Then on Boxing Day we will go to ILs but only for 2 days and then come back via my folks who live midway.

I think DH feels demob happy because Xmas Day is on a Sunday so that's 5 and a half days off, he is used to seeing his parents then, and is aware they aren't getting younger so wants to see them.

I also understand that when we stay here, it's difficult to get peace as someone is always knocking on the door or ringing up etc. You never quite get away.

Don't think there's any chance of a cottage though.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Good for you. How did he take it?

[BforBuckOff]

waybulooisbabycrack

So glad you said something!

I don't mean to be rude but I can't shake the feeling that your DH is happy casting you as the nag to his siblings whilst he gets to gallivant around. Part of the reason they are not fond of you might be because he says lots of not nice things about you to them.

[BlackeyedSusan]

Darling, you have a dh problem. get him to read the marriage vows again and ask how he is fulfilling them to you by asking you to travel and do all the bloody childcare while at his parents.

ask him what is in it for the children.

ask him why he thinks that it is ok for him to see his siblings in his parents house but his children do not get to play with their siblings in their parents house. and get the fucking plank out his own bloody eye.