SIL sent save date card only addressed to DH

[waybulooisbabycrack]

Post arrived this morning, including an envelope with what looked like a card addressed to DH. (He has no problem with me opening & sorting through the post, I have no problem with him opening my stuff either, no secrets).

It's a very posh A5 metallic save the date, fridge magnet from soon to be SIL who is having a swanky stylish very chi wedding in London next year.

AIBU to feel a bit miffed that she didn't address it to both of us, and only her brother.

It's probably an oversight, she is 11 years younger than him, but I do feel a bit hurt because his siblings have a habit of making plans for family get togethers and not including me, because we have 5 children and it's not always easy for me to get a sitter & go.

It comes after a phone call from his brother, trying to organise our Christmas and put pressure on us to go to his house over an hours drive away on Christmas Day. DH has 3 siblings, only 1 of whom has a (14 year old) child from an ex. In making all these Christmas plans they have just expected DH to go along with what they are doing and DH is happy too and thinks I am weird for thinking it's selfish and thoughtless for his siblings & their partners to impose a schedule on us.

So the timing/wording of the card rubs salt into the wound.

AIBU to feel hurt by it only being addressed to her brother? Should I drop a hint to MIL who would not be impressed at the thoughtlessness.

[PikachuSayBoo]

I would be saying bollocks to those xmas arrangements.

For me Christmas is about kids. So kids getting to stay in their own house, eating chocolate, playing with their toys and presents, watching TV. Anyone who wants to come is welcome but for the last 15 years I have refused to go anywhere!

[ParForTheCourses]

That's great. Keep sticking to your guns. He may not like it but he'll have to get used to it. Let him field any sibling moans and comments, if he tries to moan along with them and guilt you ask him why in a family of your size he is the only one who ever gets what he wants. Ask him why his wants matter more especially when they put a strain on his family. And ignore his siblings.

I'll cross my fingers for you, I hope that by sticking firm you can break this selfish tradition and make this selfish man and thoughtless family see reason.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Retrolmp. Wow. You're an amazing person. What a low life your ex and his family is.

Waybuloo. Sounds like you have a plan. After you get back, can you have a couple of down days seeing as dh will get them with his family? Sounds like you need it.

And regarding SILs number. When I want someone's number, I either ask them for it or I ask someone, who has their number. If you want her number, ask for it

Stand up for yourself. You sound like a martyr and a victim.

[DontMindMe1]

OP, it sounds like your self confidence had been ground down over the years by the il's deliberately thoughtless, ignorant, rude and selfish behaviour. Factor in the lack of support from your dh and his constant gaslighting whenever you try to assert yourself - i can see why you give in so easily.

But you are NOT a doormat, a second class person and neither are your dc. I can guarantee you once they have dc it will be all about them.

You can't make them like you but you can make them respect you, and the only way to do that is to stand up for yourself in the face of all they throw at you. When you find yourself in a position where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't - do the thing that's right for you.

Of course your dh wants to be with his other family on xmas day etc....he can 'collapse' and get waited on hand and foot - whilst you carry on doing the childcare.
In future, speak with the siblings yourself re invites etc, your dh could very well be presenting things in a different light because he wants a child free holiday/piss up.

It seems like the siblings look down their noses at you and treat you as 'little wifey', whilst they glory in their 'professional/important' status.
Even your dh to some extent.
What do they think? That you don't have a professional 'job' and so that means you have no credibility/authority/whatever, that you don't need to be treated with any respect?

Cut out dh the middle man and make sure you get involved.
The leaving you out of the whatsapp group is so hurtful, just proves that they don't really see you as 'family'.

[RetroImp]

Unless you stand your ground with people and set boundaries, they will walk all over you. I learned it. The hard way! My ex dumped his entire extended family on me for Christmas, without ever asking me. I put up with it for some years. But then, the numbers started growing each year, he invited a huge bunch of people without consulting with me and expected me to pay for all the food and cook the Christmas dinner and buy all the drink. Until then, I never celebrated Christmas, as I'm Jewish. I laugh about it now as it was so absurd and outrageous. I had about 23 people turn up and only knew about 7 of them. Basically, his siblings brought assorted stragglers and friends with them, as they had all raved about my cooking. I worked up right till Christmas Eve and was exhausted. They descended on my house like a swarm of locusts. No one offered to help, least of all my ex. And no presents come to think of it. Then some people started smoking cigarettes and cigars in my house. I begged my ex to please ask them to smoke outside, as I have severe asthma and smoke makes me super wheezy. He said it was rude and people should feel relaxed on Christmas. As I walked into my living room, there was literally a thick cloud of smoke, even my ex had lit up. His family knew about my severe asthma. The stress, anger and smoke made me choke and very wheezy. I grabbed my hospital emergency bag, books, magazines and drove myself to A&E. By the time, I got there I had a full blown attack. I ended up staying there till the New Year. Neither he nor his family visited. They were apparently outraged by my rudeness for just leaving, with the food half prepared. At least that's what he claimed. When I got home, he was out and the house was a tip with much of the Christmas stuff not cleared away. I changed the locks, packed up his things and left them with a friend. Don't be an idiot like me OP! Sod what anyone else thinks, this is your and your kids Christmas above all.

[BlackeyedSusan]

Darling, you have a dh problem. get him to read the marriage vows again and ask how he is fulfilling them to you by asking you to travel and do all the bloody childcare while at his parents.

ask him what is in it for the children.

ask him why he thinks that it is ok for him to see his siblings in his parents house but his children do not get to play with their siblings in their parents house. and get the fucking plank out his own bloody eye.

[BforBuckOff]

waybulooisbabycrack

So glad you said something!

I don't mean to be rude but I can't shake the feeling that your DH is happy casting you as the nag to his siblings whilst he gets to gallivant around. Part of the reason they are not fond of you might be because he says lots of not nice things about you to them.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Good for you. How did he take it?

[waybulooisbabycrack]

I've told DH that we are not going anywhere on Xmas Day.

Then on Boxing Day we will go to ILs but only for 2 days and then come back via my folks who live midway.

I think DH feels demob happy because Xmas Day is on a Sunday so that's 5 and a half days off, he is used to seeing his parents then, and is aware they aren't getting younger so wants to see them.

I also understand that when we stay here, it's difficult to get peace as someone is always knocking on the door or ringing up etc. You never quite get away.

Don't think there's any chance of a cottage though.

[ThatStewie]

As others have said, the problem here is your DH who doesn't sound a great husband or father. Gaslighting is emotional abuse. Refusing to acknowledge your feelings is shitty behaviour. Prioritising his idea of a perfect Christmas over one in which his children have a lovely time is selfish.

His siblings might be selfish knobheads too but the real problem here is your DH.

[ChangedMyMind]

TBH I'd be really hurt if my DH didn't prioritise his own DC at Christmas especially after he had a week long family holiday without them in the last year...

You really do have a DH problem tbh and it's really sad - he can't have everything wants because he has 5 DC, his wants needs to come 2nd/3rd/4th sometimes!

I would be tempted to let DH take most of the DC to Wales and you visit your parents etc.

[justgivemeamo]

Parforthecourse and Bforbuckup have written some good posts op.


I feel for you- I have been in a very similar situation as have many on MN who dread xmas for all sorts of horrid family reasons.

You are defensive and I dont blame you - but I would take a moment and think about what those two posters have said - they are not being horrible. You need to accept it sounds like your DH is not going to put you or the dc first. You have to accept this and either decide to start taking the driving seat of your own life and getting more out from it - or you suck it ALL UP and accept everything thrown at you - as Par said otherwise you will get more ad more bitter as more instances of flying off - leaving the family without a holiday - and shit xmasses mount up.

[justgivemeamo]

And in terms of being a martyr it's shite to be made to feel like you are ruining everyone's Christmas

They dont give one shite about your xmas or your children.


And in some respects why should they? Your asking quite a lot of them.

Its up to you to make your own case heard, and you can do this by simply asserting yourself but your too worried about how they will view you. They already see you as an irritating encumbrance.
Simply say to your DH - I do not want to spend xmas with your family, there will be no more discussion, the children will live seeing YOU after xmas and your own mother agrees with me that your neglecting us.

Do what you want - I am not standing in your way to spoil your fun but I am staying at home to give our dc a christmas they deserve.

[justgivemeamo]

and if I don't go along then I get cast into the role of the difficult one

You have made a reference to how you will worry about being perceived if you do ANYTHING AT ALL your way this xmas.

You need to stop worrying about what other people think of you.

Just imagine your dc - when older " mum we hated xmas - we sensed our aunts and uncles couldn't be arsed with us - we hated being made to sit round in silence playing board games"
You say " sorry I did THINK about having xmas at home but I worried too much about what OTHER PEOPLE MAY THINK OF ME" SORRY that was more important than making your xmas brilliant - and your dad was more worried about himself too and having Christmas of YORE.


I am actually standing up for myself, telling siblings that I am spending Christmas Day at home with the kids and by expressing my feelings, as I did earlier to my BI I am confused - are you or not falling in with a pre planned xmas.

Op I am sorry to sound blunt and I am pleased you are not bound to your DH in some strange - submissive wife way. But you really need to stop worrying about being the trouble maker - the akward one, the one who wont fall in.

[ParForTheCourses]

So if you see your dh is the problem waybulooisbabycrack, what are you going to do? For Christmas and in the long term?

[waybulooisbabycrack]

And I bet anyone who has ever been invited to a wedding has made some sort of judgement as to what kind of 'do' it is. All I am doing.

Fact is that it is achingly chi. SIL once said that she would never go out with or marry a man who didn't dress on trend. Men need to be fashionable and so does she. That's what is important to her and it's her job.

She tells off her DF for his dress sense. He's 75!

She told us she thought we didn't put enough effort or thought into our wedding. Probably right. We pitched up, then walked everyone down the street to a local restaurant and had a very loose seating plan with no theme. We liked it though.

[waybulooisbabycrack]

I do want to see my family over Christmas. And I do see that DH is the problem.

Btw SIL who doesn't want my children there was one of my adult bridesmaids.

I am sure she is so justified in not wanting me Restless Traveller. Thanks.

[CookieLady]

*Him not ha

[CookieLady]

He's incredibly selfish. Ha slighting you is disgraceful. Stand firm and don't alter your plans for Christmas Day.

[rollonthesummer]

Your DH is being horribly thoughtless and very selfish.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Ask him why his children's childhood memories of Christmas should take second place to him recreating his childhood. When do his children get to have a family Christmas in their own home?

Also don't you want to see your parents over Christmas? What about your side of the family?

[ParForTheCourses]

BforBuckOff sadly I saw this play out within part of my own family. Unsurprisingly the husband and wife's relationship is now in tatters because she wouldn't believe it was him and he wouldn't comptomise. They aren't divorced but there's real anger and toxicity there now.

They think they were staying together for children... they weren't. They used the children growing up as an excuse- her to resentfully accept it and him to do what he wanted. Too little too late now. They are both unhappy, almost all the kids are gone and the kids ( now adults) hate the dynamic and the way their dad bulldozed and mum let him.

I'd hate to see it happen to anyone else. Mum should have put her foot down at least once to try to highlight the dad was selfish. Not just gone along resentfully after words which meant nothing. At least then she'd have known for certain that we were never coming first (above these people) and could have been informed and possibly made different decisions.

[AvocadoFlapjack]

If your DH had your back and put you and your DC first then you wouldn't have an issue with the siblings making you out to be the party pooper.

I know you don't want hear it but it's your DH who's the problem, not them.

[BforBuckOff]

ParForTheCourses

Agree completely.

[BforBuckOff]

I'm sorry but you are still refusing to accept that your DH IS THE ONE WHO IS WRONG. You are pushing the blame onto his siblings but he doesn't put you first and gaslights you.

Why would his siblings really understand what it means to have 5 kids? Most childless people don't. BUT HE CHOSE TO HAVE FIVE CHILDREN WITH YOU. He doesn't get to "live in the past" and be wistful and resentful about it. Unless you drugged him and stole his sperm, you both chose a lifestyle where you'd be bogged down and constrained by 5 kids.

It's utterly pathetic and disrespectful of him to have chosen to have 5 kids and then to refuse to put them first. Open your eyes: he is selfish and childish... just like his siblings.