SIL sent save date card only addressed to DH

[waybulooisbabycrack]

Post arrived this morning, including an envelope with what looked like a card addressed to DH. (He has no problem with me opening & sorting through the post, I have no problem with him opening my stuff either, no secrets).

It's a very posh A5 metallic save the date, fridge magnet from soon to be SIL who is having a swanky stylish very chi wedding in London next year.

AIBU to feel a bit miffed that she didn't address it to both of us, and only her brother.

It's probably an oversight, she is 11 years younger than him, but I do feel a bit hurt because his siblings have a habit of making plans for family get togethers and not including me, because we have 5 children and it's not always easy for me to get a sitter & go.

It comes after a phone call from his brother, trying to organise our Christmas and put pressure on us to go to his house over an hours drive away on Christmas Day. DH has 3 siblings, only 1 of whom has a (14 year old) child from an ex. In making all these Christmas plans they have just expected DH to go along with what they are doing and DH is happy too and thinks I am weird for thinking it's selfish and thoughtless for his siblings & their partners to impose a schedule on us.

So the timing/wording of the card rubs salt into the wound.

AIBU to feel hurt by it only being addressed to her brother? Should I drop a hint to MIL who would not be impressed at the thoughtlessness.

Save the date- get dh to find out exactly who is invited (so you can plan childcare if required!) . If there is even a suggestion you are not invited the gloves should then be off!

Christmas- go to Wales after seeing your df on his birthday, rent a separate cottage as a break for you. The kids will manage small amounts of time on best behaviour but you will also have downtime.

can you afford to rent somewhere near by in Wales, maybe something on air b and b as people may be away to visit family. Then you can just visit them for meals if you wish and leave when kids are tired/bored?

That's the only way I'd agree to go to my dh.

The children are not invited. Apparently the groom's father did the invites from a spreadsheet at work but ours was handwritten and arrived after DH told his brother that he hadn't seen the 'cool' Save the Date cards.

So only dh can go then not you or the kids?
I would not be travelling to see any of them at Xmas. Or bothering with them at all really. Leave the relationship to your dh.

So are you saying you weren't on the invite list at all? In which case fuck 'em. Or did they not send save the dates to family?

Can you get babysitters for the DC and go?

Why would the op bother getting a babysitter for her five kids to hang out with people she doesn't like?

Stuff them.

Wow. So your children can't go to their Aunt's wedding and see their family in a big space and be fed and have fun but they're expected to squeeze into a tiny space for Christmas and follow strict rules. Don't understand why his parents cant just stay in their house and you barn share?? It seems to me you as a family unit are not being included properly. Your husband may be keen to see his family but you and the kids are his family too and they need prioritising. Maybe you want to see your Dad on his birthday and the kids their grandad? Maybe DHs siblings other halfs are happy to conform but it should be a balance. The whole thing isn't balanced at all. Time to speak up lovely, otherwise you'll have a lifetime of this and your kids will too.

I would be sending them a sack of horse shit for a wedding present.

Children aren't invited to swanky London wedding because it's a cost issue and she has been to too many weddings where children were not really taking part and the parents were not enjoying themselves thanks to having to look after the children.

Hey, it's her prerogative as the bride, I shouldn't get upset about it really, though I can't help but feel a bit hurt. If I can't get my mum to help (and she might not be around that weekend) then I will have to pay for childcare meaning I can't go.

Meantime the MIL has emailed me that SIL is very keen to have a family Christmas and they are renting a barn and can we go and stay with them. She doesn't want to put pressure on me though.

To clarify, I think I am invited but the kids are not.

So my DD who will be 13 isn't invited but her 15 year old cousin is. Which is nice.

If it's too far for them and there aren't enough bedrooms then it's doubly too far for you and not enough bedrooms, given you have kids and DH is working in the morning.

Get DH to see how unreasonable it is to go there, given they aren't prepared to come to yours.

Why do you need a big family get together when you are doing it in Wales anyway? One or other is all that is needed. The other half should be for your family.

I'd also be reluctant to put myself out if they don't value their nephews and nieces enough to invite the to their wedding. I'm all for child free weddings but not for close family children.

The children not being invited to their aunt's wedding it crap, but you're making a mountain out of a molehill about visiting your DH's family after Christmas.

I can see why Christmas Day doesn't suit so just don't go and see them the next day.

she has been to too many weddings where children were not really taking part and the parents were not enjoying themselves thanks to having to look after the children

This p's me off. If she doesn't want children at her wedding, it's her prerogative, but she should say that. To say this is infuriating. It's up to the parents to decide whether they are happy to look after their own children or not.

Double standards or what. You must take the kids for a family Christmas as that is so important but they are not important enough for an exception to be made for the swank you family wedding.

Sounds like your MIL feels like she is stuck in the middle of it all. I feel a bit sorry for her.

I would be inclined to be willing to compromise a little to make her life easier. But not to the extent that I would go on Christmas day and you have to remember to prioritise your DF too.

Meantime the MIL has emailed me that SIL is very keen to have a family Christmas and they are renting a barn and can we go and stay with them. She doesn't want to put pressure on me though

YOU are allowing yourself to be treated like dirt. I think you need to step up here and say enough

Fuck sils desire to have a family xmas
" thanks Mil thats so kind and lovely sil wants a family xmas but this year we have decided to spend it at home. By the way - did you see our children are not invited to sils wedding and therefore I wont be able to go - shame. "

Sounds like your MIL feels like she is stuck in the middle of it all. I feel a bit sorry for her

is it easier for mil to talk to her own daughter and say " this is shit vite the kids" or for op to do this>

I would say the mil, if she wants to be passive and let op be side lined I don't feel sorry for her in the slightest.

It also means 1 TV situated in the tiny living room which everyone is in all the time so it's not practicable or allowed for the kids to quietly watch a DVD, an outside area which the children aren't allowed in due to it being farmland with dewponds, animal troughs, cowpats, wells and rusted machinery & equipment and tractors who previously reversed over FIL's dog.

We are supposed to be staying there for 3-5 days post Christmas. Children are supposed to amuse themselves tidily & quietly with lego & board games and not help themselves or pester for Christmas choc, which must only be eaten sitting nicely at the table

But all the millennial siblings will be off in some nice rented barn somewhere & coming to pay us visits for meals

Are you bonkers? Its your bloody xmas too FFS [anger] how lovely your dh wants to sit and relax, does he ever ask what you want? Mum to tons of kids? FFS.

Op for goodness sake get a back bone, say NO. plans sound lovely but this year NO> maybe you have low self esteem>

Look, maybe this is because I don't have children but I think you're reading a lot of malice into things that might be thoughtless but weren't meant to be nasty. The thing is, you have five children. That's lots, which is lovely and great but does make things harder. Re the wedding - be honest, SiL can't win here, can she? You're annoyed your 13 year old isn't invited but I bet you'd also have been pissed off if she'd invited some but not all of your children. You want her to have children at the wedding, her and her fiance don't - but it's their wedding. Re. Christmas - just don't go. In the nicest possible way, they probably won't be that sad about it. Don't go, but say how much you would like to host next year. Re the barn - again, there's seven of you. Do you know much harder that would make it to find somewhere? And expensive - if you were included you should really pay half the overall cost, but I wonder how happy about that you'd be? I can see why you staying in PiL's house (which is apparently good enough for them!) seemed like a good solution.

It just reads to me that you think you should always get the casting vote because you have children. If six out of eight adults like the current plan I think you have to accept that and either go with it or do your own thing.

op stop being a mug.

Maybe I do. DH sometimes makes me think I am being unreasonable & overtly angry.

To him Christmas is seeing the rellies (fair enough), it is to me too, but when I was young, we were always hosts.

He just doesn't realise what a faff and how unrestful Wales is for me (or at least he does a bit now) but he is very narked at the children not being invited.

It's a really sore topic, I posted earlier this year under a different name because he went off to Hong Kong for a week for his brother's wedding which we couldn't afford, leaving me with the kids and only the prospect of a wet week in Wales.

Then he sent cheeky videos telling me what a good time they were all having and how I needed to keep the house in a state so that should new SIL's family visit on spec we won't be embarrassed.

So it's no wonder I feel left out. I didn't as he said, choose not to go, it just wasn't feasible.

Now Hong Kong SIL is back over here for Xmas, all the siblings are making plans driven by her and other SIL, and PS your kids can't come to my wedding.

Sorry. It helps to vent.

Margaret, I would be really happy to pay to rent a barn. It's not easy in a house with 9 people, 2 elderly and 1 loo.

I know I will have to stomach it, it's not about having the casting vote, but being included & consulted rather than presented with plans.

Xmas day they come to you or you dont see them.

Wales I would compromise on 2 or 3 nights.

Vent away. It sounds as if your needs and wishes are irrelevant.