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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New au pair staying out all night!

204 replies

LoisEighty · 07/10/2016 22:00

AIBU to be a bit concerned?

Au pair is young and only arrived this week - went out this afternoon and has texted to say she's staying out all night.

OP posts:
LookingOldBeforMyTime · 08/10/2016 10:45

Agree with PaulAnka put it perfectly

"Only 'just' an adult, happy to trust her with your child/ren but not to make a decision on staying out of she wants? I think you need to back off."

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 08/10/2016 12:27

Au pairs are like teenage babysitter type role. You need to leave them a fair amount of instruction and wouldn't leave the kids for prolonged time. Op is correct to check she's ok as in a new place/new culture etc.

You might leave your teenage dd with your younger kids for a few hours after school while you do work and then shopping. But you'd still want to make sure she was ok on a night out.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 08/10/2016 12:29

Op you have done the right thing. She's a young au pair not a Norland nanny!

honeyroar · 08/10/2016 13:53

I think you've done everything right. Was she apologetic when she was picked up? Mistakes can be made, if she was sorry and you can have a talk I think things will be ok.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 08/10/2016 13:58

You did the right thing last night. I have to agree with the other posters though. She sounds impulsive, flakey and naive. I would have concerns.

Original poster
LoisEighty · 08/10/2016 14:46

LookingOld - what exactly would 'backing off' look like in this situation? Confused

Haven't seen her yet today as we've been out, she did apologise for causing trouble last night though. DH didn't think she seemed drunk or anything.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 08/10/2016 14:54

If my daughter was away in a foreign country and got stuck in a town late at night with no way of getting home, I would hope her hosts would help her, just as you have done OP.

I would also hope that they gave her a massive bollocking and told her to start acting like the adult she is employed to be, as it would be for her own good...

witsender · 08/10/2016 15:57

I've gone and picked up my grown adult friends when they have misjudged buses, lost keys or whatever...isn't it just being a considerate person?

I think you did the right thing OP. She will probably be mortified, a gentle chat won't go amiss.

ChequeOff · 08/10/2016 16:05

One of the first rules of being an adult - always know how to get home.

What would she have done if you hadn't texted her on a hunch and your DH hadn't gone to pick her up?

Doesn't sound as though she's particularly clued up or street smart.

I think you did the right thing too. But a talk about looking after herself sounds like it's needed. You can't rescue her everytime.

Babymamaroon · 08/10/2016 17:42

I think it's lovely of you to care. YANBU.

Personally I don't care what my au pairs do or who with in their time off but I do expect to be told if they're staying out all night as I want to lock the house up properly.

She's been courteous in letting you know her plans too so hopefully a happy union you shall make!

diddl · 08/10/2016 18:28

"Oh don't question that diddl

It will doubtless be perceived as having a go Hmm"

How right you were!

Of course she had to be fetched, there was no option.

I just feel it's pushing the "being part of the family" a bit too far.

Still, hopefully she'll learn from it.

Tuktuktaker · 08/10/2016 18:47

I'll be honest, I assumed that the au-pair in question is foreign, possibly in England on her own for the first time, so would need more hand-holding than an English girl. I think there is a massive difference for a foreign girl as opposed to a girl from somewhere else in the UK.

HelloSunshines · 08/10/2016 20:55

OP, YANBU for being concerned and having your DH pick her up in the middle of the night.

But you are very likely to become your 18 yo au pair's surrogate mum. It's another responsibility/worry, surely you hired an au pair to help take care of your responsibilities not add to them?

Original poster
LoisEighty · 08/10/2016 21:01

That's part of the deal with au pairs though, isn't it? They aren't employees getting minimum wage, they are young people who live as part of your family and get pocket money.

OP posts:
Benedikte2 · 08/10/2016 21:24

Precisely Lois. It's an arrangement for mutual benefit. So many here seem to have a punitive attitude towards young people. I'm also sure your au pair's parents are concerned for her welfare and were reassured after they had contact with you. Maybe she needs to be a bit more careful about who she trusts after this experience.
Good luck Lois -- hope you enjoy her stay with you

Kabex · 08/10/2016 21:39

I'm not sure I would trust her to look after my children as I don't think she's had enough worldly experience to know what to do in different situations. It depends what work she does for you and how old your dcs are and maybe she's quite different in person but my 2 (1 and 3) are too young for a girl like this to look after

HelloSunshines · 08/10/2016 21:53

Lois but there should be an assumption that the au pair is capable of keeping themselves physically safe generally, as far as they can help it? Which the au pair did not in this case. It's not like she asked OP about train/bus times and then missed the last train home by accident. She had no plan of anything except to follow around a person she'd only just met, who was (it seemed) easily lost. Then so was she. I'd say it was a foolish strategy, except there was no strategy.

Totally different (and separate) to providing a hospitable and welcoming home for an au pair.

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 21:54

If it was a nanny I'ld agree Kabex, but it's an au pair.

I'ld give her another chance, but I wouldn't tolerate it if it was a pattern, not least because I wouldn't want to be breaking any sad news to their parents!

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 21:54

If it was a nanny I'ld agree Kabex, but it's an au pair.

I'ld give her another chance, but I wouldn't tolerate it if it was a pattern, not least because I wouldn't want to be breaking any sad news to their parents!

Original poster
LoisEighty · 08/10/2016 21:58

Well we've had a chat about always knowing how you're getting home, we've got bus and train timetables and I have made clear the DH won't be able to collect her again.

I've also spoken to the other au pair's host mum and have found out how they got separated and why they couldn't get in touch, so am sure there wasn't anything malicious going on. My au pair also met some other au pairs while they were out.

Fingers crossed for her first bit of sole charge, 90 minutes before school on Monday Shock I've written out very clear, minute by minute step by step instructions Grin

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 08/10/2016 21:59

next time, she should NOT think that your husband is her 'chauffeur'.

The OP told her to call if she was stuck...

ChequeOff · 08/10/2016 22:03

You sound like a responsible and caring employer OP. She is lucky to be in your charge. BrewCake

ssssm · 09/10/2016 17:40

I think you were right to feel concern and responsibility, regardless of the outcome. When I had au pairs - many years ago - my understanding was that it was part of the deal to take care of them as if they were a family member - the agency and their parents were entrusting them to our care. I can remember many conversations discussing their well being and safety. This reflects also on what is expected of them re their childcare responsibilities - they are not nannies and although usually extremely capable they need ongoing support and guidance.

Justaboy · 09/10/2016 17:44

And what if that girl was your DD and in a foreign land and more than likely being British had a non too wonderful command of the local language?.

Wouldn't we like to know that someone gave a hoot about our DD whilst away?.

Humm?.

Louchick · 09/10/2016 17:46

I feel your concern. We have an au pair. I had to tell her to let me know when she was staying out all night but like other people have said and DH set me straight- she has her own life to lead. Not my daughter and have enough on looking after my little ones x